Immature text games you find yourself playing with new boyfriends (light-hearted)

[SilentTreatment]

Background: I've been casually dating a bloke for about 2 months: see him once per week, agreed we won't see other people, etc.

Sometimes our texting interactions make me feel as though I'm back in teenhood. 2 examples:

1. Most of the time I abide by the '10minute rule' whereby a minimum of 10mins must pass before I can reply to his text. He does the same. If I leave it longer, say 20 minutes, he'll leave roughly the same gap.

1. Habitually we'll exchange numerous texts per day, then suddenly he'll go silent for a few days. In this situation, I abide by 'the tennis rule' and never text twice. Then, when he eventually texts, I dish the silent treatment back to him for the same or longer period to show that 'two can play that game'. This happens every fortnight or so.

It's fucking stupid and exhausting. We're in our 30s! This setup was initiated by him, so rather than seem over-keen I have to go along with this game-playing.

Anyone else found themselves caught in similar shenanigans? I am currently caught in a game of chicken whereby texts have not been exchanged since Sunday but IT'S HIS TURN DAMMIT!

I like him, and (I think) he likes me. So I'm not going to LTB

Take my advice, don't use texts to replace actual conversations. Text if you want to see him, answer him when you want to. None of it means anything, it's how he treats you as a girlfriend in your company that counts. It's two months in and still quite casual, you'd do yourself a favour to treat it so, too. Been there and done it. As women we do overanalyse so if he's game playing let him carry on, you just go ahead and communicate when you want to and respond when you want to, if he's into you , you'll not be able to do him any wrong at this stage either way

Hang on a minute.

As a male that dates online this is very common. I mean texts V calls.

Its by no means only men that Text or take ex amount of time between texts. Sure, you have some men that are absolute dicks. Not every male is playing some game via text.

Nor it it a lazy form of communication its simply the times we live in. I've dated women that refuse to talk on the phone due to time constraints or they just text.

In this instance, you're not happy with the way he interacts with you, you have every right to ask him to contact you in a way you're happy with.

The fact you've timed your replies to seem less interested is nuts. You should be able to text as you want too.

Just dump him, he sounds like hard work. I seriously couldn't be in a relationship where my DP didn't see a problem with going days at a time with zero contact. If this 'pattern' is deliberate, it's extremely childish...and if it isn't he's incompatible with you. Get rid.

About 7 years ago, I was with a guy who started out this way for 3 years. The game playing took over our whole relationship, constantly chasing/pulling away. It was fucking exhausting and it took me a long time to get over that relationship (I'm not sure I even am now)

A couple of years ago, I met a guy who showed similar traits. I tried to speak to him about it, he just kept saying he wasn't very good at communication and said it was my problem. I ended it within a few months. I don't have the energy to waste on that kind of crap anymore.

More recently, I was involved with a guy who sent me a text/email each morning to say hello, a text/email to say goodnight, and any number of texts/emails full of flirting and lovely words throughout the day. It didn't work out for other reasons, but I wouldn't settle for anything less now.

What I'm saying is - ditch him, you can and should expect better.

I don't think the amount of texts you get a day should be the measure of a good relationship worth having.. to me the measure that my relationship being healthy is the opposite, we text/call when we feel like it in between time we spend together. There is no expectation of a morning or evening text - in fact there is no expectation at all. Sometime he will text and I wont answer for hours because I'm busy and vice versa - to become fixated on such a trivial thing could easily kill what could be a brilliant healthy relationship. Just my experience.

luckycornish WTAF was that text exchange you posted?!

Tell him to take a trip to Coventry..

MyChild... I thought that was the sort of banter/immature text games OP meant!

I agree with you binklesback. That third situation I was talking about was different as our time together was fairly limited due to distance/kids. What I think I was trying to say is that there should be no waiting to text or call, no leaving it for a couple of days because they did. If you're in something really good, communication should flow very naturally. It shouldn't be a game.

I disagree with no expectations. If you have certain (realistic) expectations and the other person can't meet them in a way that makes you unhappy, it's probably best to accept that you are incompatible. Communication can be such a big thing for some, not such a big thing for others. But it's a thing that you need to be on a similar footing with otherwise one person ends up feeling needy and the other overwhelmed.

I reckon he's just not that into you. If he wanted to contact you, he would, regardless of how long had passed after each text. I went out with a couple of guys who did this and found it hard work. Then I met my husband and there was none of this nonsense at all - he wanted to text/phone me so he did.

Yes agree with you totally cleanmyhouse. By no expectations I meant the whole texting thing. With my ex of four years it was a big issue I would hang on his texts and read all sorts into them, I now realise the insecurity that mode of communication caused me was just indicative of the relationship as a whole. so I went into it with my current partner who lives 60 mIkea away at present with a very purposefully laid back and restrained approach to texting and I've found it works for me, if you allow it, as you say, it flies naturally as it should.

Flows naturally not flies ha

I came on here to post about the game my boyfriend and I play via texting. I will text 'guess what?' Ad he comes up with some of the funniest, most ridiculous guesses. I honestly thought that was the sort of thing you meant!
OP ditch him, 2 months in and he's being an arse. He's not worth it.

Update: I told him I was done playing games, that I was pulling the plug. He said he was 'cut up', that he loved me (first time he's ever said that) and that it makes him feel 'deeply sad' that I thought he was playing a game.

What now?

if you want him drop the fixation with the texts and go forward communicating properly. As I just said similarly on another thread we would NEVER analyse the frequency and meaning of texts off our friends we just accept they are our mates and care about us even if they are not in contact. Treat your man like your mates and give him the same slack re texting you'll not go far wrong.

Sorry, I haven't RTFT yet as I have to go out, but just wanted to say that I experienced something like this with a guy and in the end I sent him a message (after a particularly long spell with no reply) saying "Right, bored of waiting for a reply. You're rubbish at texting, if you want to speak to me you know where I live". He apologised (by text!) and said he would do better. Then nothing. 6 months later - yes 6 months! - he sent me a message asking how I was doing. Blocked and deleted instantly!

With my current DP I said straight from the start that I wasn't playing games, if I wanted to call him or text him I would, I'm not messing about with how many days, whose turn it is etc. He said that made a refreshing change and that he felt the same. Bingo. Happy relationship!

Watch/read "he's just not that into you".

If he's into you, you'll know about it. No excuses. The fact that he's cut up because YOU ended it after his half-hearted communication means nothing. He just didn't want to be dumped.

If you're not feeling cherished, you're not.

True Amy true.

Texting a lot or a little isn't a measure of a happy healthy relationship though. It really isn't. If you're in one, it never crosses your mind about texts. I've been in a crap one where texts became and fixation and now I'm in a brilliant relationship where texting is a nice surprise, not a demand or expectation, as it is with every other person in your (my) life. It's not a reflection on the relationship it's a reflection on different communication styles/being busy/hating texting.

If you reframeyour thought process about the priority of texts you will save yourself a lot of meaningless angst and it will become clear very quickly if he's arsed or not. Texting every day does not a relationship make.

He dropped he L word to hold onto you. He doesn't sound like he even knows you tbh. And he certainly isn't desperate to see you.

^the

I'm very sad about the closure of this relationship. Text issues aside, when we're together he's a gentleman, albeit not forthcoming of his emotions. He's this way with everyone and has been nicknamed 'the mouse' for his quietness.

Whether he intends to hurt me or not, the bottom line is - he has, on multiple occasions, by being full-on and then pulling away, in a constant cycle. Maybe he's got issues, maybe he's just a dick, who knows. My gut instinct is telling me that I've made the right decision by letting him go, too many red flags.

Seems a bit of shame if he genuinely didn't realise he was doing it. Can't you just have an honest conversation 'I thought you were playing games, I feel rejected when you ignore me for a weekend every 2 weeks, can you not do that?' 'I didn't even realise I was doing that, sorry' - relationship saved! By talking!! By all means ditch him if you do think he's pissing you about and game playing, but if you think he deserves a chance to prove himself, then give him that chance.