Immature text games you find yourself playing with new boyfriends (light-hearted)

[SilentTreatment]

Background: I've been casually dating a bloke for about 2 months: see him once per week, agreed we won't see other people, etc.

Sometimes our texting interactions make me feel as though I'm back in teenhood. 2 examples:

1. Most of the time I abide by the '10minute rule' whereby a minimum of 10mins must pass before I can reply to his text. He does the same. If I leave it longer, say 20 minutes, he'll leave roughly the same gap.

1. Habitually we'll exchange numerous texts per day, then suddenly he'll go silent for a few days. In this situation, I abide by 'the tennis rule' and never text twice. Then, when he eventually texts, I dish the silent treatment back to him for the same or longer period to show that 'two can play that game'. This happens every fortnight or so.

It's fucking stupid and exhausting. We're in our 30s! This setup was initiated by him, so rather than seem over-keen I have to go along with this game-playing.

Anyone else found themselves caught in similar shenanigans? I am currently caught in a game of chicken whereby texts have not been exchanged since Sunday but IT'S HIS TURN DAMMIT!

I like him, and (I think) he likes me. So I'm not going to LTB

Found it on reddit. Worth keeping an eye on, it makes the tactics easier to spot and avoid in real life.

I've been seeing a guy for a similar length of time, also exclusive though fairly casual.
We don't text like that. We exchange messages as and when we're free, depending on what we are doing. Some days it's a quick "Morning, have a good day" from both of us all day but usually multiple short conversations. We don't talk on the phone but I'm happy with that.

OP, if you really want to talk about this with him, you need to do it face to face and if you feel that you can't do that, then I don't think your relationship has any future, sorry.

The fucker has literally just texted, acting like nothing happened.

Oh god I can't be doing with games. How on earth have you kept things going this long?!

If you're feeling nice, text him a "look I don't think this is really working. I've been thinking about our messages and it all seems so forced and regimented. I'm looking for a relationship that flows a bit more naturally." If you're feeling less nice just never reply ever again.

let me just tell you

the men know nothing about this rule.

it is you and your friend over analysing absolutely every character on each text trying to find some hidden meaning.

believe me I have been there.

it feels good to be finally free.

and btw, why not try being yourself and not conforming to what you think his expectations are? if being yourself puts him off then surely that's ok? move on to someone who won't be put off by you.

text the bloke when you damn well want woman

I've had this game playing too but I just confront them and 9 times out of ten I get rid cos there is no excuse for it! If it's real it won't happen I'm afraid

Maybe, from his point of view, nothing has happened? What did he say?

I dated a guy whom I felt was playing 'text games' and like you, I got suckered in trying not to be the over-keen one. It didn't start like that of course. He was very keen in the beginning, constantly asking me if I felt the same as he did etc. but I suspect when he felt he had me, the texting calmed right down. It drove me mad after a couple of months so I bit the bullet and called him out on it.

What I actually did was call him and ask him how he felt things were going. He said he felt they were going well and I admitted that I had noticed a shift in his behaviour (ie the frequency and length of texts/contact/wanting to see me) and that I actually felt he was losing interest and I wanted to know where I stood. He said he needed some time to think about it . So he went away and I presumed that was that. I carried on dating in the meantime. When he did get back in touch, he was upset that I had carried on dating and called time. At the time I was really upset and felt I had ruined things by pushing him too fast. In hindsight, he just wasn't that into me and was toying with me.

A month or so later I met a great guy who I'm still with and there are absolutely no games at all. It's how it should be. He texts, I text back as soon as I've seen it and read it. There is rarely a delay to his replies unless he is working but I never feel anxious about when he'll get in contact because I know he's not playing games. Incidentally, the first guy got back in touch after a while. I didn't at all take pleasure in telling him it was too late as I'd met someone else .

If I was you op, I would call your bf out on this behaviour. It will be very revealing one way or the other and then you aren't wasting any more time over analysing this.

That's precisely why I'm apprehensive about pulling the plug BornToFolk

Interestingly, rather than making me keener (as prescribed by the technique), his behaviour is actually turning me off. I feel less bothered/hurt today as I did yesterday and also less affectionate towards him.

IneffectiveHuman good advice. The thing is, rather than his behaviour being like the the downward spiral you describe (loads of contact and then dwindling over time), there's actually a clear pattern to his behaviour whereby he'll do this silent treatment every fortnight or so, and then the regular texts will recommence.

I think you all could be right - he's not that into me, but he wants to keep the booty on the backburner, so to speak. Dick.

Actually some men do play text games, I have just dumped one because of that v reason. He made it SO bleedin obvious as well. Pathetic.

NoImSpartacus what happened? Tell the tale!

Jeez...who needs that crap in their life! I've only very recently started seeing someone and for the first time ever, it's someone who refuses to text! He'll phone and actually talk!! It's very refreshing now I'm used to it

Sounds exhausting, honestly two months in you two should be having a lot more fun than this.

there's actually a clear pattern to his behaviour whereby he'll do this silent treatment every fortnight or so, and then the regular texts will recommence.

ah...cherchez la femme.

Personally I think he goes quiet when he's shagged someone else.

I don't know why you're wasting your time on this OP.

Xpost with Bobby - exactly.

OP, I'm a man and am utterly bewildered by the whole idea of game playing with text messages. Life really must be too short for you to give any headspace to it. If you're not happy, just say so (give him a chance to buck his ideas up if you must) and then move on.

I do wonder, though, how you can start a post by saying (as you did in your OP) that you both really like each other so didn't want LTB responses. To then within a few posts asking does he even deserve a face-to-face dumping!

I've got no idea if this bloke is a dickhead or not (it sounds very much like he might be). But I genuinely don't understand why you aren't just speaking to him, in person, and challenging him directly on it and, if you don't get the answer you want, getting rid and moving on. I will say (again in my experience of dating) that you shouldn't necessarily assume that most men spend ages analysing text messages in the way that you are.

it sounds exhausting and I know what you mean, some men and women seem to subscribe to this...

some men and women are also game players, and can't be changed overnight, you either go along with their games or you end the games or the relationship.

I would do as pompodd says, speak to him in person and don't analyse every text message. I've done this the analysing stuff and really on the whole it doesn't work. at all. either someone likes you and wants to be with you or they don't.

Bobby and Twinklestein I suspect you're right.

pompodd Do you agree?

Oh Bobbi I think you may have it there... oops

OP - then either ask him (he'll deny) or ditch the idiot. Most men I know seriously (I'd ask my brother but he's busy) would say leave well alone. and/or he's up to something. sorry OP.

Silent - I genuinely have no idea (but I'm sure some of the posters on this thread who have much more recent dating experience than me and have actually dated men are to be trusted!). I hope my post didn't come across as harsh - when I read it back to myself I thought it might sound that way.

If he is a genuine bloke who is just a bit crap with texts I suspect he would be utterly amazed to discover you've been introspecting in this way about it all.

And (again without wanting to sound harsh) I guess you need to take some responsibility for the game-playing too with the 10 minute rule and tennis rule you seem to be following (neither of which I'd heard of before now and which sound utterly bonkers to me!).

Talk to him and get it out in the open. I hope it works out for you.

Aw Jesus does that game playing shit still go on. One of my best friends was big into it and guess what when she found the 'one?' he was totally not into it because he was really into her. I was never into it at all and maybe I got dumped a few times for be over exuberant I will never know but tbf I would not have been interested in someone who played games either.

Either stop it yourself and see what the fall out is or call him out on his blowing hot and cold.