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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sooo confused! is he messing me around or am I asking too much?!

57 replies

olympicsbaby · 16/03/2015 18:04

Ok 2 weeks ago I met a guy offline... First date was a drink in a pub, he then suggested lunch, then a drink then coffee then as said bye he said he had a great time and would love to meet again. I txt him later that say to thank him and again he said we should do it again. I agreed. Then silence for two days so I txt him, short chat and I asked if he wanted to meet again. He agrees. Date number two was 4 days later and the same as first date! A long date with lots of chatting and him saying at the end he would love to do it again.

Again I had nothing more for two days so I txt him first and we agrees on a third date. Unfortunately it was a busy bar, awkward and ran out of things to say! Nevertheless he invited me to his for coffee, had our first kiss then he tried to get me into bed!! It was v late and I did stat but no actual sex!!

Again, after this date 2 days would pass and no contact. Every 2 days he'd txt to say hi but not much more.

Yesterday a week since our last date he txt small talk! No mention of another date so I asked him... I mentioned he seemed v.busy as I don't gear from him much/i usually initiate contact after 2 days not gearing from him. His reply was he's been quiet as v busy work and he thought he rushed things last Fri (which was true!) he then said he does like me and does want to see me again but doesn't feel like doing anything atm!! He then asked if I'm free this Fri. I said yes so meeting this Fri.

I've not had any tcts/calls since sat so 48 hours...i know its v early days and I wouldn't want constant txting but to go two days and no Hiya txt really makes him seem uninterested?!

I know he works long hours and don't think hes dating others altho he does log onto Pof daily!!

Should I forget him given his lack of enthusiasm?! I'm just confused as on the dates he seemed very keen!

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Dahliad · 21/03/2015 11:47

If it were me, I would stay away. My personality and thus situation are a toxic combination. It starts to feel like a challenge, and any slight perceived rejection adds to it, and then I MUST have him and only-just-met becomes the love of my life overnight!
Anyway...he sounds like he's looking only for sex on HIS terms. If that's what you want, stop texting, he'll find you and you can have a good time together. If that's not what you want then he's not the guy for you for now.

alphabook · 21/03/2015 12:43

He doesn't sound that into you, but I'm a bit confused about what it is you like about him. You ran out of things to say to each other? Whenever you text it's just small talk? It doesn't sound like you're very compatible.

korkycat4 · 21/03/2015 12:53

I'm sorry , but those who are reassuring you are giving you false hope. He's just not that into you.

Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 13:23

I went on a 4th date last night, he came in for coffee and we slept together. He left this morn and 10 mins after he would have arrived home he went online on Pof!! Was on for around 30 mins! How should I feel?? Forger him??

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Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 13:38

I forgot to say thanks for all your comments. A few things...hes not married etc, ive been to his place. His profile sats v clearly want longterm relationship.the first two datescwere amazing...chatted easily fir hours..it was just the3rd date was a bit awkward as was a busy bar. We do get on well but not surevwe majorly click... its hard to know but ive been on around 20 first dates and hes the first guy i really liked. Apart from the lack of contact....today ive nit hesrd from him ...surely after first time u have sex he should send you a message that day as rude not to? The whole logging in online to the dating site within 10 mins of getting home has made me think hes really not that keen

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Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 13:39

Sorry for sp mistakes etc....writing on my phone with 3 yr old helping!

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AcrossthePond55 · 21/03/2015 13:48

Again, depends on what you want. He obviously isn't looking for any type of serious (or even non-serious) relationship. If you are, then forget him. If you want a FWB, then fine. This is the reason I mentioned not getting 'invested' in one person at the get-go, but to keep your options open and see other people.

BTW, I wouldn't have slept with him but then I'm probably quite a bit older than you and may look at things differently. If he went home and got on POF, to me that speaks volumes.

stardusty5 · 21/03/2015 13:50

I think he's probably keeping you on the back burner, sorry. Sounds as though if he meets someone he prefers he'd be off.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/03/2015 14:03

Xposted with you. Naturally his profile says he wants a LTR, they all say that. Men have been saying that in one form or another since Adam. How much 'action' would they get if they said 'not interested in LTR, looking to shag as many of you as I can'?

Actions speak louder than words, though. So judge him by his actions.

It's been a looonnnggg time since I've been in the dating pool (like 30 yrs), so I don't know about 'post-coital contact' as it were. And there wasn't an internet so no way of seeing if a guy was looking for other women. But what I do remember is that it was pretty uncommon for any guy I was sleeping with to just get up and leave. Usually there was enough of a relationship that we spent the next day together, or at least a very good part of it.

What do YOU want? Do you feel enough that you want to continue to see him to find out if he IS interested in a LTR? It could be that early sex to him is just part of 'getting to know' someone and doesn't really mean anything as far as relationships go. As hard as it is to 'unring that bell', if you look upon sex as a 'step forward' in a relationship, then you need to tell him that you want to slow down and take a step backwards. That in itself will give you an idea how he's looking at things.

Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 14:10

Thanks your comments are really helpful. He had a tea then left...my little boy was here so maybe thats why he thought best to leave (please dont judge....hes the furst guy my lonhas met and yes way tomearly but my little one is 2 and has no idea he stayed...he thought he turned up this morn! And hes too young to understand anyway...he didnt even notcie him really!

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Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 14:15

Oh one other thing as he left he just said, right well im sure i will chat to u in the week then..... not, "i will message u later" i know i shouldnt get hung upmon the text thing its just after staying here i think he should have sent a short msg by now but maybe im over reacting....he prob has been busy (On that dating site ha ha ha)

this is all so frustrating as ive been single a year and i just wanna meet the right person and have a future eventually and after millions of first dates with no spark its fruztrtaing that this guy seemed like a great catch but is looking not to be the case

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Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 14:16

And in response yes i want to keep seeing him but only if hes really interested i dont want casual altho last night was nice

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KiteKit · 21/03/2015 14:39

I'd say you need to pull back a little and not be so available. Only time will tell if he is really into you or not and if he is willing to work for it a bit.

I am sorry because I know you have just spent the night with him and you would like to see this go further but my reading of what you pasted is that he is really not all that into it. I am sure he likes you but it doesn't seem like there is an instant chemical attraction (for want of a better way to put it)

I would try to put it to the back of my mind and get on with life. There are plenty more fish in the sea. And when you meet the 'right' one it will be so worth it!

Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 14:56

Yes I think you're right....unfortunately... Arghg I cant be bothered with dating...searching for the right one for so long and all these first dates are draining and disappointing ?? majorly fed up with it all to be honest

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KiteKit · 21/03/2015 15:08

I know, it must seem daunting and somewhat of a mission to find 'the one', but imo that can be counter-productive. I know you would like to find a partner but perhaps if you could go on the first dates with less expectation of that it might take the pressure off a little? Try to see the 'dates' as a way to meet some new people which may or may not lead to a long term situation but even if it doesn't then it beats sitting at home every weekend?

It is a different world out there now to when I was dating (married 12 years this year) but I didn't get married until I was 33 and I had a lot of dates & relationships before meeting my husband ranging from one or two one night stands / very short lived encounters to a bunch of very casual to a small number of long term serious ones. But the thing they all had in common was that I met them through friends or friends of friends sort of thing ie socially and we 'clicked' at that meeting and took it further (or not). I am a dinosaur I know, but I think there must be SO much more pressure on a date that has been arranged online as a result of a computer system telling you that on paper you are compatible. It is not a casual let's just continue this fascinating conversation at the pub, oh look at the time, lets grab some food, oh the last drink has been served do you want to come back for a glass of wine OR thanks for that see you soon situation.

Don't give up but as well as on-line keep your mind open to meeting people in all sorts of other ways too (I know I prob did not need to say that...) Good luck!

AcrossthePond55 · 21/03/2015 17:50

One of the things a very wise Auntie told me was 'keep yourself to yourself'. Of course, she was talking about virginity (see, I AM old!) but I also took it to mean not to give parts of 'yourself' to a man. Unless you can sleep with him without feeling it 'means' something to him (and you) then don't do it. The same with waiting around for him to call or trying to find meaning in things he says or does. Treat him as 'casual' and he will become 'casual'. Someone you are attracted to and enjoy being with, but not someone who is necessary to you, iyswim. I know it's hard, but it's 'fake it til you make it'. Not to lead him on or play hard to get, but to 'keep yourself to yourself', i.e. protecting your heart.

And try to see those 'first dates' as an end in themselves (just having fun and getting out of the house) as opposed to a means to an end (meeting Mr Right). That way each first date will be a 'success' if you just have a good time, not a 'failure' if the date doesn't click with you.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/03/2015 18:10

Sorry but if you carry on behaving as though you are utterly desperate, you are going to make yourself miserable. This man is not your boyfriend. He's someone you've been on a couple of dates with and he has offered you no commitment. Yet you are running after him bleating, almost constantly - he's probably already blocked your number.
No one owes you a relationship, or sex, or another date. A lot of people who would quite like a long-term relationship will have sex quite soon after meeting a potential someone, because sex is important to many people and it's such a comedown if you wait and wait - and then the other person is crap at it not sexually compatible with you.

popalot · 21/03/2015 18:16

I think he's after a casual relationship, if you get my drift. Stay away if you want a more fulfilling relationship.

Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 18:32

Solid....im not desperate and have not come across as such, I've only initiated contact 50% of time and this past week I've left it days for him to mag me

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Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 18:36

Solid I've nor in any way come across as desperate! This past week I've not initiated any texts at all! I've only responded when he's txt.... He doesn't think I'm desperate! In fact after first two dates he gushed at how ge had a great time n wanted to see me again. The only reason I was confused was the his keeness on the dates during dinner n drinks (mo sex back then) followed up by days of silence. I wasn't asking for comments on if I seem desperate, just comments on trying to understand what he's thinking and if I was over reacting being pissed off that and the not bothering to contact me today and that he had logged on an hour after leaving my bed! It seems that was a bit "wrong" and he's prob not for me! Believe me he doesn't think I'm desperate

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Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 18:37

Thank u everyone else for ur really helpful comments

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Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 18:41

Also I left it and HE txt me Thurs to ask if I was still up for meeting Fri!

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Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 18:54

Also I left it and HE txt me Thurs to ask if I was still up for meeting Fri!

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NotDavidTennant · 21/03/2015 18:56

I think what SGB is trying to express in her own inimitable way, is that you seem to want this to escalate into a serious relationship very quickly. Even after just a couple of dates you were already agonising over why he is or isn't texting you. I think it's quite likely that he sees things as still being at the casual dating stage and is a bit oblivious to your expectation that he should be making regular text contact with you in between dates.

Original poster
olympicsbaby · 21/03/2015 19:05

Ok yeh maybe its not totally over then lol... I will chill out...just never had a dating relationship like this before! Usually guys just contact regularly if interested even casually! He's just a bit different I guess...i won't have any expectations! Its not that I want a serious relationship with him! I just would like to know that he is interested!

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