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Original poster

DP redundant and I want to scream

27 replies

serenityfair · 16/03/2015 14:09

DP was made redundant last week. It's the third time in 5 years. He didn't much like the job so he's glad to be out of it. He had only been doing it for just over a year so no payment. Last period of unemployment which lasted for 6 months had a bad impact on our relationship from my point of view - he dossed around 'looking for a job' while I worked & did all housework & all childcare etc to enable him to be free to do anything he needed to find a job. I felt pretty resentful then and I am not going to do that again.
I work part time but managed to get an extra shift this morning. I came home to find him sitting in front of the computer in a darkened room, says he sent a few e-mails and watched a bit of TV and was surprised that I was back so early. He's being very evasive.
If I wasn't fed up, I'd advise myself to 'cut the man some slack, he's just lost his job' but he's just gone off on a minor errand, saying that without a job he's not sure who he is. I want to scream what I think he is at the moment!!!
How do I deal with this/him/myself??

OP posts:
wrapsuperstar · 16/03/2015 14:16

Stop picking up any slack for him for starters. Three redundancies in 5 years is either phenomenally bad luck or rather careless; what sector does he work in?

Plenty of people manage to job hunt with a lot of vigour and keep on top of housework etc. If you're managing to do it whilst working, he most certainly can acheive it whilst looking for employment.

Apart from insisting he does a fair proportion of the housework and childcare (that would mean more than you are currently doing as the sole working member of the household), what practical, positive steps is he taking towards finding a suitable job in a suitable time frame? Whilst you shouldn't have to chivvy a grown man too much, this is an area which you can provide support in. If it was my OH I would expect him to get on with chores and help with the kids, but I would happily sit down with him of an evening and sort out CV/discuss interview technique and so on.

wrapsuperstar · 16/03/2015 14:18

Sorry -- I missed where you said you wouldn't be letting him doss about for months on end. As is clear from my post I'm with you there. Wink

pocketsaviour · 16/03/2015 14:32

Does he have a lot of absence from work? Or a history of poor performance? Because generally speaking IME, unless you're talking about a whole site or company closing down, the people selected for redundancy tend to be picked for a reason.

atticusclaw · 16/03/2015 14:35

Yes I'm an employment lawyer and I would agree with PP. There's a reason he's being selected for redundancy, this isn't just bad luck. We don't use last in first out any more because its discriminatory and so he's in the line of fire for a reason. Attendance?

Original poster
serenityfair · 16/03/2015 14:36

Thanks superstar. He's in a financial job so things are a bit tough. I just wish he seemed a bit more bothered. A family friend is involved in recruitment but when I suggested he make contact, I got the 'I don't want everyone knowing my business' reply. He's previously told me it's all about who you know so I'm Hmm.
Male ego, doesn't it make you want to scream!

OP posts:
Original poster
serenityfair · 16/03/2015 14:40

No, attendance is not an issue if you're his employer. Been an issue for me while he's been doing 15hr days for the last year and I've been impersonating a single mother.

OP posts:
OvertiredandConfused · 16/03/2015 14:43

Could it be performance or disciplinary related if you doesn't want people knowing his business?

When I've been in his shoes (twice in 25 years) I took every possible contact, offer or help, introduction etc, etc.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/03/2015 14:48

He's a useless prick in all areas of his life, it seems.

Why not tell him he's been made redundant from his role as partner due to failure to meet the basic job description?

Holepunch · 16/03/2015 14:52

When DH lost his job he took over all the housework and most of the Dc stuff while I worked as many hours as poss. Dc at school, so plenty of time to do that and direct plenty of energy to finding a new job.

He said it felt good to be needed at home seeing as no-one wanted him at work, so whilst I do sympathise with how difficult it is to lose your job (it's happened to me too) using it as an excuse to layabout is rubbish.

And I know this isn't the done thing, but really, he's been working 15 hour days regularly? I work in a male dominated industry with big egos where a lot of it's about being seen to be in work, rather than actually working long hours IYSWIM, but 15 hour days regularly? People do that when there's something particularly pressing for a short period but not week in week out. Evasive in what way?

Original poster
serenityfair · 16/03/2015 14:54

Thanks for your replies. It's not anything disciplinary and not overtly performance related but he's definitely been very grumpy in this last job and I'd not have liked to work with him. Work is hard work - that's what they pay you for. He knew he was likely to be pushed out of work months ago and told me but didn't do anything to find another job then and now it's going to be even harder. I don't know what's got into him.

OP posts:
SugarOnTop · 16/03/2015 17:06

how certain are you that it has been 'redundancy' each time and not 'been given the sack'? Most responsible and mature people would start looking for alternative employment as soon as they realise their job is at risk.

he's got this bad attitude because he thinks you will keep doing everything whilst he uses the excuse of 'work' (both when employed and not employed) to avoid any home and dc responsibility. STOP doing things for him and have a frank and blunt conversation about him sharing the load at home. i would also take this opportunity to have a conversation about his next job having more suitable/family friendly hours. No amount of money is worth sacrificing your relationship and his relationship with the kids - that is IF he thinks either of them are worth anything.

Tryharder · 16/03/2015 17:14

I get you're annoyed and pissed-off with the situation. I would be too.

But you've moaned that he worked 15 hours a day and now you're moaning that he's not instantly found another job.

Some very, very hard comments on here. A useless prick??? Very harsh and very unfair.

googoodolly · 16/03/2015 17:15

My DP has just been through threat of redundancy. He kept his job but we spoke about it, and he said if he lost it, he'd take over all the domestic stuff until he found something new. It's only fair - if one person is working and one isn't, then the person at home should be doing the majority of stuff around the house.

Why did you enable him to sit around doing jack shit?

Holepunch · 16/03/2015 17:24

The only people I have ever known who "worked" 15 hour days were avoiding going home, or there for appearances sake. No-one can be effective for 15 hours a day. A one-off because of some sort of emergency maybe but not regularly.

Moreisnnogedag · 16/03/2015 18:10

15 hr days? Even my friends in the city don't work that day in day out. Besides being present isn't the same as doing your job well - I'm sure we all know of a colleague who is there but not really doing anything or is so desperately inefficient that it takes the two hrs to complete a half hour job.

Anyhow, he needs to step up to his responsibilities both home and work. Who doesn't start looking for another job when they know they're going to be made redundant?!

Cabrinha · 16/03/2015 18:21

15 hours a day?!
I do that quite frequently at the moment. But not every day. That's working 07:00-22:00.
When I do 2 in a week, I'm shagged! And in fit and healthy and enjoy my job! Are you sure he's doing that?

It's not your fault he was lazy before, but you didn't help by not putting your foot down.
I'd start by telling him calmly how badly your marriage suffered last time and lay ground rules. And if he breaks them, I'd make him redundant from your life too.

notsolovely · 16/03/2015 18:31

If he is lazy at home and generally can't be arsed, then he probably is the same at work. In my last job there were redundancies, I knew exactly who it would be when then announced it based on their day to day performance. Dh has a very senior job in a huge company and doesn't work 15 hour days, everyday and then travel on top. Are you sure that's what he was doing? I hate to be one of these 'he is a bastard' types. But something isn't making sense. 3 redundancies in 5 years, yet he willingly worked 7 hours over everyday?

43percentburnt · 16/03/2015 18:38

Hmm financial sector. What area? Some are pretty busy at the moment! He may not have been subject to disciplinary but the threat of capability/ per capability usually makes someone resign as it has to be disclosed to anyone asking for a reference.

I wonder if laziness at work / attitude has caused this. Did you see the redundancy letter?

If he was made redundant then just cos he is in the office for 15 hours doesn't mean he is productive.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 18:43

That would get old really quickly.

Original poster
Serenityfair · 16/03/2015 19:07

Ok, I feel a bit calmer now. He has been holed away for the last couple of hours and has applied for 3 jobs. He is now getting my supper while I update you lot. Maybe he heard my silent scream (or perhaps he's been mumsnet ting all this time!)
15 hours is the total time between leaving at 7am and returning at 10pm but the journey's an hour each way, during which he watches films and TV on his phone. He has been at work for all these hours except grabbing a quick lunch for months. I agree it's a ridiculously long day and I agree that no one can possibly work efficiently for all those hours. While I've been holding the fort at home he has been able to 'just finish what I'm doing', a luxury which I'm looking forward to enjoying for myself a bit now. It won't hurt him at all to experience the deadlines of the school day and look after us and the home. He'll be begging to get back to work.

OP posts:
AKnickerfulOfMenace · 16/03/2015 19:16

I don't think he should be slated for not looking for a job earlier - he'd only been in this one a short time and doing such long days would have made it hard.

How about he job hunts x hours a day and housekeeps y hours. Or job hunts certain days and not others.

kirinm · 16/03/2015 19:16

Gosh some harsh responses here. I work in the legal industry and it's undergone some significant changes over the last few years. I know people who've been part of a several redundancy processes within a year.

Anyway, I hope his luck changes. When I went through the redundancy process I was utterly deflated and miserable. I found work horribly demoralising (and I kept my job) so can't imagine what 3 redundancies would be like!

AcrossthePond55 · 16/03/2015 19:33

If he's not working he should be doing all, or nearly all, of the 'home jobs'. My DH was off work for almost two years due to a work injury and in that time he functioned pretty much as a SAHD with the exception of the times he was required to be retraining or actively looking for work (a requirement here for Worker's Compensation).

I did laundry and a few other things at weekends and usually 'finished up' fixing supper (making a salad or veggies). There was even a point when I asked him if he just wanted to stay home permanently. It would have been tight, but we could have managed on my salary. He said "Oh HELL no! It's too hard being at home all the time".

I think, that at first being out of work, whether due to a redundancy or injury, comes as a bit of a 'vacation' to them and they arse around for a time. I can understand that, especially if they've left a demanding or time-consuming job. But if they don't have to start taking on the responsibilities at home lazing about can quickly become a 'habit', especially if they have sports or hobbies that take up their time (like my DH did) so it feels to them as if they're 'busy'. That's why I think it's so important that they get involved with the housework.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 16/03/2015 19:43

Actively looking for a job, particularly if he's travelling back to a city for networking or interviews, does take some time though.

eeniemeeniemineymo · 16/03/2015 21:29

Is it worth him getting a 12 hour a week part time retail job just
to tide him over until he finds a part time job? If he is SAHD during the week, applying for jobs whilst kids at school then 12 hours a week might fit in quite nicely.

My OH has just done this. Helped keep his routine and he did not lose adult contact. Thoroughly recommended.

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