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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want a relationship but not sex.

46 replies

JoeP79 · 16/03/2015 12:14

Hi all

Bit of a heavy one. Ok, heregoes:

I'm a young(ish) guy who's currently single. However, I face a huge barrier to finding someone special: I've been sexually abused by both men and women as a child. Consequently, feel deeply uncomfortable with sex. Any sexual experience I have had has either felt deeply distressing or caused me to dissociate and become unable to perform: basically it has been a disaster. On top of this I have years of addiction issues, mental illness and health problems.

I've had years of psychotherapy in an attempt to come to terms with what I have suffered (including some sex therapy). However, none of it has enabled me to dissociate what I suffered as a child from the realm of adult sexuality. Sex still makes me feel dirty and used, and then makes me feel guilty because I am feeling revulsion for my partner, who is not to blame and does not deserve this.

I'm now in my thirties, and at that point where I don't want to keep going through this; I would much rather lead a celibate life that I feel I am in control of. However, I do feel bereft of love.

My question is therefore this: do you think there are women who would be happy to enter a sexless relationship with a man? I want a physical connection - kissing and cuddling - but nothing else. Is this too much to ask, or are there other people who would want this too?

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 16/03/2015 12:17

I am so very sorry for everything you have been throughFlowers

I don't know about this personally, but being asexual is not that uncommon. I am sure there are women out there who would want the same as you. I'm not much help in he practicalities, but just wanted to let you know that you are completely normal. I really hope you find someone who wants the same. Are you currently in counselling?

Original poster
JoeP79 · 16/03/2015 12:22

Thank you for your sympathy. No, I'm now done with counselling. Been through CBT, psychotherapy, sex therapy, group therapy, hypnosis and Alcoholics Anonymous.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 16/03/2015 12:24

There was a question in The Times a couple of weeks ago about someone wanting an asexual relationship and there are,apparently sites deigned for people to meet others with similar feelings.

Others may define themselves as celibate and also want relationships. It might be useful to think about which group you mostly identify with.
But you don't sound asexual, tbh. You sound as if you wish to avoid sex because of the pain you have suffered. I don't think that me means you are asexual necessarily? Anyway, if you have a google I'm sure you will find sites aimed at this and also celibate relationships.

Good luck.

Twinklestein · 16/03/2015 12:27

I'm so sorry for what you experienced OP.

There are definitely women around who want to be in a relationship and like physical affection but don't want to have sex.

Some women specifically self-identify as 'asexual', but some women go off sex after childbirth and as they get older.

If I were you I would be open and upfront about what kind of relationship you're looking for, I'm sure you will be able to find someone looking for similar.

The only sticking point would be the question of kids, if you want them how would you get them etc...

Original poster
JoeP79 · 16/03/2015 12:33

Thank you for your advice. I'm sure you're right that there are women around that identify as asexual, and I'm probably not as upfront as I should be.

It's not just the sex though; I get mood swings and anxiety attacks which I find it really hard to mange. Also, I suffer from severe headaches accompanied with vomiting which wipe me out for days on end. Sometimes I just feel that I wouldn't be much fun for someone, and couldn't fully dedicate myself to being a good partner for them.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 16/03/2015 12:37

Have you ever been on the AVEN forums? www.asexuality.org . I think you'd find them very reassuring reading.

LadyBlaBlah · 16/03/2015 12:41

I am sorry your experiences have left such deep scars for you.

You do still sound as though your self-esteem is very low - of course there are people out there who will love you for who you are (so long as you are not nasty and abusive). There are people who will be happy with a no-sex relationship.

But it is all going to go back to that age old question that I'm sure you have covered in your therapy - what is your view of yourself?

You say you still feel soiled by the abuse, and while that is understandable, it also does not have to be that way forever. I hope you have heard it many times but just because bad things have happened to you, it does not mean you are bad.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 16/03/2015 12:45

Being clear about what you want upfront would definitely help you attract the type of person you want to be with. Have you sought help for your headaches? They sound like migraines.

I really feel for you having to deal with all that :( it must be incredibly hard. I think making sure you've got a support network set up for you (counsellor/gp) could help you when you begin a relationship, since you would have emotional support from elsewhere as well as intimacy.

Original poster
JoeP79 · 16/03/2015 12:53

LadyBlahBlah: Thank you for your kind words.

I try so hard to convince myself that I am not soiled, but the message doesn't seem to reach my unconscious. When really bad things happen to you at such an early age and they are inflicted on you by people who are supposed to love you, then the world can seem soiled.

I guess it's like - if someone tells you they like 'dirty sex' or likes taking charge (which I can accept is a normal, healthy variation on human fantasy) for me being 'dirty' or having control of my body taken away from me has entirely different connotations. It means being used. I remember a woman I knew who'd been raped said she saw all sex as rape and all men as potential predators, even though she rationally knew that not to be true. I really identify with that.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/03/2015 12:57

Headaches + nausea and wipe out do sound like they could be migraines. Do they focus on one side of the head? Does the back of your head pound?

I'm not convinced that the OP is asexual as the term is commonly understood, but has very been through very traumatic experiences that mean he prefers not to have sex.

LadyBlaBlah · 16/03/2015 13:06

You describe your challenge exactly.

When this happens to you at such a young age, it is hard to see it any other way. Creating a different identity from "broken and dirty" to "likeable and loveable" is a journey that is really hard, but certainly not impossible.

How about you tell us some good points about yourself - what do you like doing? What are you good at? Why do other people like you? What would you like to do in the next 5 years?

LadyBlaBlah · 16/03/2015 13:09

p.s. if you are struggling with those questions, then the 'broken and dirty' identity is winning.

smellycoat · 16/03/2015 13:12

It might be hard to find someone that matches you, but I am an older woman in her 50's, and like some women my age, find that sex is now painful. It is just that my body has changed you see! I am telling you this because I am sure that there will be other people in the world like me, who don't or can't do sex either.
The things that happen to us in our lives are often not of our own making as you will know. But nevertheless life makes us how we are. I don't know how old you are, but as you get older you may feel yourself a better match to your compatriots, because with time we all get bumped about and even up.

Original poster
JoeP79 · 16/03/2015 13:12

I just want to be loved, not used. I don't want anyone to else to make me feel dirty.

OP posts:
some1elseentirely · 16/03/2015 13:14

OP, that doesn't sound too much to ask.

some1elseentirely · 16/03/2015 13:20

My question is therefore this: do you think there are women who would be happy to enter a sexless relationship with a man? I want a physical connection - kissing and cuddling - but nothing else. Is this too much to ask, or are there other people who would want this too?

I am 40 years old. I have been in a very loving and affectionate relationship with my partner for four years, and we have never had sex.

I was abused as a child and find most sexual activity unpleasant, although I am not asexual. My partner has issues as well (although not the same issues). In all other ways, our relationship is 'normal' (whatever that means).

So, yes, I can confirm that such women do exist; I am pretty sure I am not the only one.

Good luck.

Original poster
JoeP79 · 16/03/2015 13:26

Is it really not too much to ask though?

I guess I don't want to deal with being pressed into doing things I don't want to do. I accept that compromises are part of a sexual relationship, but I find it harder to deal with them because of what happened to me. It just becomes unmanageable, I implode, the other person feels unwanted and the relationship falls apart.

I just want to have ownership of my body more than anything else, that's majorly important to me: to be in control of my own body. But in a relationship I guess you have to surrender that ownership to some extent . It's fine for other people who haven't been hurt, but for me it would be extremely problematic. Hence I would rather have a relationship not premised on sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoeP79 · 16/03/2015 13:28

Thankyou some1elseentirely. I am sorry to hear what you've been put through.

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 16/03/2015 13:29

You are not dirty. You are not abnormal. Bad things happened to you.

Being loved and not used is completely possible. Not all people are mean.

LadyBlaBlah · 16/03/2015 13:31

x post

How open are you currently with potential partners about your preference for no sex?

smellycoat · 16/03/2015 13:33

It is not too much to ask, but so long as the other person is happy with the way things are. It is better to start a relationship from where you are now. We all hope our partners will change but they tend not to. Fact.

smellycoat · 16/03/2015 13:36

Someone will probably disagree about people changing for each other. So please ignore the "fact" bit. I overstepped the mark there. Sorry.

pocketsaviour · 16/03/2015 13:38

"I guess I don't want to deal with being pressed into doing things I don't want to do."

No worthwhile partner will ever do that to you. But you are going to have to be very upfront with whoever you date to make it clear that sexual activity is off the table.

You will also need to explain where your triggers are: for example you have repeatedly said that you feel "dirty" and I sense this is something your abusers may have told you. If a partner was to say to you, "You've left your socks on the floor you dirty boy", would this trigger an anxiety attack on your part?

Let me be very honest, and I don't want to upset you, but from some of the things you have described, it doesn't sound as if you are ready to be in a committed relationship. And I am speaking as a fellow survivor of sexual abuse as a child.

Original poster
JoeP79 · 16/03/2015 15:14

LadyBlahBlah:

I've only ever had two sexual partners, and both relationships failed principally because I found it so hard to interact sexually.

At present, I do talk to women and develop friendships with them, but they never progress beyond that stage. Of course this could be because they don't have feelings for me, but sometimes I suspect they are waiting for me to make some sort of move, and when I don't it just fizzles away. I guess you and others are right about being up front with people from the off.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoeP79 · 16/03/2015 15:19

pocketsaviour: Sorry to hear you too are a survivor. Bless you.

I think you've nailed the problem. I'm not ready for a relationship, but I do often want one. Having to stay alone is hard. It's that conflict of wanting a relationship and not being able to cope with the demands of one that's so hard. Really I'm old enough now that I don't think I'll ever be any more ready for one than I am now.

OP posts: