Toxic relationship between my mum & sister (long sorry)

[poorincashrichinlove]

I got this text from my sister last night at 9pm from my sister:
'Yr vry fat!!!! u r horrible look ugly u don't wash yr hair and u r trying to live through yr daughter!!!!! I'm embarrassed to say u are related to me so please don't try to even insult me! U have had help frm yr dad an me get off yr fuckin fat arse an show yr daughter wat yr worth???? Don't u ever dare talk to me about anything! I realy hope u go through the pain!!! that I do u bitch!!!'

She had forwarded it to me. It was from our mother to her. I'm so shocked and disgusted.

Mum was unstable throughout our childhood. She drank a lot (intermittently) and was manipulative and aggressive. After she and dad divorced she married a horrible bully and we endured years of DV. She attempted suicide twice and at the grand age of 17 I took control and got us help through Women's Aid. We went into a refuge and we were rehoused. My sister suffered terribly throughout these years. She was a shy and timid child and, I believe, has never recovered from the trauma.
Mum went on to have more abusive relationships. I was long gone by then (self preservation), but my sister, whose 4 years younger suffered further.

I helped mum to get away from a man who beat her up badly and has effectively left her disabled with chronic pain. She still has a relationship with the perpetrator but otherwise has seemingly turned her life around in recent years. She stopped drinking, distanced herself from her own toxic mother and is a fab grandmother. She complains to me occassionally about my sister not living her life as fully as she should, or not raising her daughter well, but I always try to remain neutral.

I had no idea that my sister is now her emotional punchbag until she sent me this text last night. I can't believe it. My sister is a single parent of one. She's recently completed her nursing degree, has very poor self esteem and has gained weight over the last few years. She relies on mum for childcare, is constantly undermined about disciplining her daughter and behaves like the scared 7 year old I remember. She's so tethered to mum that she's never 'grown'.

I just don't know what to do. My sister (understandably) hates conflict and typically avoids difficult situations in life by burying her head in the sand. Apparently mum either acts as if nothing has happened after these tirades, or manipulates my sister into apologising and she complies to keep the peace. I don't live near them anymore and I want to support my sister to break free from this abusive relationship but I don't know how???

If her mom is watching her child, it needs to end now before any further damage is done.

Yes, she needs to end the childcare arrangement. Could your sister move nearer to you? How old is the child? Do you have any sort of relationship with your Mum?

I agree about the childcare arrangements and have said this to DS. The difficulty is she's a nurse and works 12 hour shifts so childcare isn't easy to find. She's on the lookout though and is going to ask for shorter shifts too. DN is 7, and I do have a relationship with mum that is actually quite good. She would never treat me the way she treats my DS because she knows I wouldn't tolerate it for a second. That's why I was so shocked by the text because I thought all that was in the past.

Could an aupair be an option? Could your sis and her DD share a room for example to free up a room for an Aupair. They could probably cope with the odd hours and one 7 year old can't be too much workload for an aupair.

Please send your sis a message saying how proud you are of her completing her degree, being self suficient, raising her DD well etc etc.

I've restrained myself from contacting mum over this so far because I want to empower DS to stand up and not allow herself to be treated so appallingly. She's behaving like a DV victim now, minimising DM's behaviour and just wanting it all to go away. I can't stay quiet for long though.

Thank you for your suggestions and support. I feel a bit better for offloading. For this to be happening I know my 'D'M must be in a bad place, but that doesn't make it ok for her to treat anyone this way.

Awful situation OP.

I think it is a positive step that your sister has sent the text to you to read. It shows there is a part of her that knows this isn't right.

I take it your sister has a lot of respect for you, and I would use that. I'm not entirely in agreement about the autonomy of the abused - though rare, sometimes I think it is appropriate to intervene when someone is so badly damaged; it is likely she will suffer the effects of this for the rest of her life to varying degrees.

So i would use your clout to stage an intervention iiwy. You are keenly sensitive to not overriding your sister's will but sometimes we have to be canny and break the rules.

There's a lot of literature around re toxic/narcissistic mothers/parents for you and your sister to read.

And make sure you are supported, too - perhaps professionally. This is a deeply shocking revelation for you, plus you have had to bear the weight of a lot from a young age.

I am so upset for you and your sister.

I have no idea what to advise but know others will do - just couldn't ignore you.

I would second what springydaffs says that while you are supporting your sister it will be easy to forget about yourself so make sure you have support as weel

My mother sent me the most awful message on Friday. It makes me sad that anyone could say those sorts of things to their child. I cannot ever imagine a situation where I would ever say those things to my DS. My mother and I have been arguing (she has not so much me) for a couple of months now and she often behaves very childishly and I had had a bit of a go at her but still it didn't warrant her message. My situation is very complicated at the minute though and it's not as easy as just walking away. What I would appreciate more than anything right now is for someone to take 'my side' so to speak and tell her how very wrong she is/was being, for them to pull her up and help me fight my corner by backing me. It sounds like that's what you're doing as in you've got your DS's back

Sorry op, for all I can see your are trying not, you seem to blaming your sister for this...

You excuse your mothers behaviour, yet say you know it isn't acceptable, you accuse your sister of not being able to break the chain with your mum, you say she is a fab grandmother...yet you talk of her bitching about her grandchildren parent. You don't say anything when she bitches directly to you about your sister. You say that your relationship with your mum is good, that she wouldn't treat you like she treats your sister, because you stand up to her.

You see your sister reduced a child because of her, you see her suffering so badly because of her. Yet you blame your sister, in word, if not in reality.

You have to stop this. You can't help her move forward until you do. I would be asking my mother what the hell she was thinking talking to my sister like that! Stop letting her get away with it.

I spent 18yrs being the scapegoat for everything...I would have loved for an older sibling to have my back, but they are gutless because they benefited from being nice to her. I am not saying you are gutless, not at all...but please..help your sister, stop blaming her. She won't be able to stand up to her, op because she is still that scared 7yr old.

Your sister sent you that text as a cry for help. The fact that she forwarded it, and didn't call you shows she feels alone in this...please stand with her & help...

I'm actually crying for her, she is so defenceless & stuck. And the fact that she has a daughter, who she must be aching to protect, yet is unable to cut the ties must hurt her so much.

And it is no wonder she can't raise her child well, what role model has she had

Sorry...I am not accusing her of being a bad mother...That came out wrong. But it is hard to be a good mother if you never had one.

Erm I really don't agree with your conclusion there different. I don't agree that OP is blaming her sister.

typically avoids difficult situations in life by burying her head in the sand - doesn't stand up for herself

She would never treat me the way she treats my DS because she knows I wouldn't tolerate it for a second. - her sister does tolerate it, so that is why her mother does it

I want to empower DS to stand up and not allow herself to be treated so appallingly

She's behaving like a DV victim now

I have been in a relationship like this with my mum, and all those sentences I have posted are suggesting that the sister is doing nothing to prevent the abuse, ergo she is partly to blame. This is just my take on it, if you don't agree then we read it differently. I did say that it was clear that she tries not to, but her words say something different.

I see your point differentname. I certainly don't consciously 'blame' DS but my use of language subtly suggests I do. It's so difficult

jaded I'm sorry to hear about your awful situation. I hope you have support in RL

poorincashrichinlove I understand, it is very hard!

My mum has been awful to me. I've been NC for years as she accused me of terrible things. She's ostracised me from almost all my family as they took the easier option of ignoring it so as not to be involved. They have made comments to show they know deep down she is toxic, but side with her regardless. I can't tell you how much that hurts. I stood up for myself but by doing so I stood alone. Please tell your sister what your mum is doing is wrong and you don't agree with what she said. By doing nothing you are possibly telling your sister you agree with her treatment and deep down she may think she does deserve it and her mum is right. I'm not saying go in all guns blazing and sort it for her, just have her back and don't stand as a silent witness. Sometimes that can hurt more than the abuse.

I would certainly let my DM know I had read that text & was disgusted by it. Your DM is bullying your DS because she has a hold over her with the childcare. Totally unacceptable behaviour, please show your DS the support she needs by at least speaking to your mother about it.

Why anyone would send such a disgusting message to their own child is beyond me.

That seems like a very, very odd text to have written out of absolutely nowhere. Something about it just feels 'off'. I wonder if there is more to this story than you are currently aware of, OP?

That said, I do not believe that there is any justification for sending a text like that, and the general dynamic between them sounds absolutely horrible. I do think you should confront your DM about it, gently but firmly stating that this is not a healthy relationship for either of them, and that more respect needs to be afforded to your sister.

Update: I have supported DS, expressed my outrage, told her I've got her back, she's a good mum and a success (for having completed her nursing degree). I've offered her and DN some respite - a few days with us to get away and gain some perspective. I even offered to drive the 300 mile round trip to bring them to us because her car is in the garage. I haven't heard from her in a couple of days though and I suspect she doesn't want to talk to me because she wants the whole thing to go away. Meanwhile I still feel like I can't let this go, but in truth, I'm afraid of DM's reaction. She's likely to be embarrassed and I just don't know how to handle this

Can you text your sis something along the lines of "I know you probably feel embarrassed for telling me, and I know you just want this to go away, but it's not going to. Please let me come and get you and DN and let's work out what to do from here."

I would also suggest she ask work about childcare facilities as they sometimes have daycare/creche facilities at huge discounts. I would think she would also qualify for childcare vouchers, assuming she's on her own.

I think sometimes, OP, people like you who have had to be incredibly strong at a very young age have gained astonishing strength, but have kind of forgotten that not everybody has had that baptism of fire. I am the same way. It's sometimes like we expect everyone else to be as strong as us, and when they can't stand up for themselves we're a bit full-on and gung-ho, which can probably feel very overwhelming for the person we're trying to help. Your sis probably also has had years of her mum chipping away her self-esteem, telling her she is pathetic and not worth saving. So now your "job" is to help her see that she is a worthwhile person and deserves your help and does not deserve to be treated like shit by your repulsive mother.

pocket you're very insightful. Now that my anger has abated though I'm not feeling so astonishingly strong as it's brought up a lot of pain up for me too. I will text DS though, thank you.

Well, sorry, but she should be embarrassed. She has flagrantly abused your sister, 'embarrassment' is appropriate in the circumstances.

You seem rather good at smoothing things over for other people OP... at your expense? Do you feel it's your job to keep everything running smoothly? I appreciate the situation is severe but is it really necessary to do a 300 mile round trip, for example?

I'm being blunt. People take on strong roles within severely dysfunctional groups/families. The peacemaker pays a very high price