Toxic relationship between my mum & sister (long sorry)

[poorincashrichinlove]

I got this text from my sister last night at 9pm from my sister:
'Yr vry fat!!!! u r horrible look ugly u don't wash yr hair and u r trying to live through yr daughter!!!!! I'm embarrassed to say u are related to me so please don't try to even insult me! U have had help frm yr dad an me get off yr fuckin fat arse an show yr daughter wat yr worth???? Don't u ever dare talk to me about anything! I realy hope u go through the pain!!! that I do u bitch!!!'

She had forwarded it to me. It was from our mother to her. I'm so shocked and disgusted.

Mum was unstable throughout our childhood. She drank a lot (intermittently) and was manipulative and aggressive. After she and dad divorced she married a horrible bully and we endured years of DV. She attempted suicide twice and at the grand age of 17 I took control and got us help through Women's Aid. We went into a refuge and we were rehoused. My sister suffered terribly throughout these years. She was a shy and timid child and, I believe, has never recovered from the trauma.
Mum went on to have more abusive relationships. I was long gone by then (self preservation), but my sister, whose 4 years younger suffered further.

I helped mum to get away from a man who beat her up badly and has effectively left her disabled with chronic pain. She still has a relationship with the perpetrator but otherwise has seemingly turned her life around in recent years. She stopped drinking, distanced herself from her own toxic mother and is a fab grandmother. She complains to me occassionally about my sister not living her life as fully as she should, or not raising her daughter well, but I always try to remain neutral.

I had no idea that my sister is now her emotional punchbag until she sent me this text last night. I can't believe it. My sister is a single parent of one. She's recently completed her nursing degree, has very poor self esteem and has gained weight over the last few years. She relies on mum for childcare, is constantly undermined about disciplining her daughter and behaves like the scared 7 year old I remember. She's so tethered to mum that she's never 'grown'.

I just don't know what to do. My sister (understandably) hates conflict and typically avoids difficult situations in life by burying her head in the sand. Apparently mum either acts as if nothing has happened after these tirades, or manipulates my sister into apologising and she complies to keep the peace. I don't live near them anymore and I want to support my sister to break free from this abusive relationship but I don't know how???

If my mother sent my sister a text like that, I'd cut her out of my life, completely.
(I'd cut her out for the awful illiterate txt spk frankly!)
But seriously - I'd want nothing to do with a nasty bitch like that.

Are you sure she's not started drinking to excess again?

I stood up for myself but by doing so I stood alone

Me too...and while it hurts, I'd rather have people I can trust & depend on, on my side, than those who are willing to take the easy out as soon as it gets tough!

Yes, DM is drinking. Sorry to drip feed. She's recently got rid of her abusive partner and is on her own for the first time. The vitriol is by way of diverting fron her own pain. Horrible, horrible situation

I wondered about that because that horrible horrible text - for which there is absolutely no justification - sounds very much like a drunken evening rant and her likely behaviour afterwards - and maybe even generally - sounds like that of someone who has no real idea what they're doing in the daytime. (Possibly 'topping-up' during waking hours.)

Awful situation for you. She can't be allowed to do any childcare becuse of the risks of still/constantly being pie-eyed - please tell me she doesn't currently drive? I suspect that your sister may actully find it easier to deal with an actual illness rather than something which is more nebulous but it doesn't diminish the difficulty of sorting the practicalities immediately.

Have you or your Sis dealt with Al Anon?

If she's drinking again then the childcare arrangements definitely have to change

No, actually, it's clear cut. So she's an addict anaesthetising herself from her own pain by destroying your sister? Well, welcome to the club mother bcs there are many who take this route bcs of unmanageable pain... who get into recovery and learn to face their pain and stop pouring the lava of it over other ppl.

Sorry, I don't have much sympathy bcs that's two ppl destroyed. And that's not counting you...

It's not as if eg AA isn't deeply established worldwide, the route to recovery well trod and globally available.

So no it isn't 'difficult' it's straightforward. She's not the only one and doesn't have a special dispensation to destroy your sister, whose wounds are likely to be lifelong

I see you said 'horrible' not 'difficult' - please excuse my tirade. I just do feel terribly angry when an addict destroys other ppl, esp their own defenseless children, who end up soooooo damaged.

Not me in case you're wondering. I have compassion IF the addict is taking steps to address their addiction and takes full responsibility for it.

Please don't enable by wringing your hands about her.

I stood up for myself but by doing so I stood alone

That's what seems to be the case now. DS asked me not to say anything to DM - DM had pretty much begged for forgiveness and she didn't want us to fall out. I replied that abuse shouldn't ever be hushed up. I was scared of the tirade I'd get over the phone (coward!) so I text DM to say I'd seen the text she sent to DS and I'm disgusted! She text I got back was vile, with blame being levied everywhere else and no responsibility being taken. I've called her out and she's embarrassed. Growing up we were always told not to talk to anyone about what goes on in our house. I've had to learn, through counselling, to talk about things before they make me ill. DS doesn't want to know me and I can't have a mother in my life who does this. We're done!

OP. I am so sorry for you and your sister. I do hope it all works out for you both. I have a horrible mother like this and bully of a father too. In fact, I am cut off from all my family because I stood up to them and cut contact. But unlike your sis, I have no one on my side, I have support from professionals and charities but no family or friends I've been able to confide in. Even my husband has been useless in standing up for me. But I know in the long term it's for the best, and I will get to a better place. Your support will mean a lot to your sister, believe me. You will make a massive difference. You know what's going on, you have her back, and although you're strong as an ox you're humble enough to take criticism and rethink your own approach, as shown in your reply to differentnameforthis. I saw things the same way as different, by the way, but I can see that this is a result of your sister being the scapegoat and the whole family being conditioned to put her in this role and think of her this way. You're actually willing to question all that and do things differently. You will be a fantastic support, and hopefully your sister and you can learn to lean on each other, a two way thing, you have both suffered. You need her too. I really wish you all the best.

poorincashrichinlove Well done on trying to help..I am sure your sister will come round when it stops hurting & will see you did what was best.

Your mother is no loss, but it will still be hard to let go.

Be strong.

If your sister has been conditioned into accepting the abuse, or minimising what has happened afterwards, then maybe you saying something has made her face what has happened. It could be that her first instinct is to run away and hide from it all. You had know way of knowing that OP, and for the little it's worth, I think you did the right thing. And I bet once your sister stops running scared she will think so too. I hope for your both your actions show her this verbal abuse is wrong and she realises she has a really good sister in you.