Feeling sad and angry about Mothers Day

[maryclarey]

I know lots of people have lost their mothers and this is a very sad day for them. I am truly sorry for them. But my mother was an abusive mother who made my life an utter misery for 18 years until I left home, and even after that, and who is responsible for the current rock-bottom mental state of my sister, who is morbidly obese through decades of comfort eating and despite years of psychotherapy is still medicated to high heaven and about a hair's breadth away from attempting suicide at the moment. And in 20 mins I have to call her and thank her for being our wonderful mother. I will do it, because my weak father, who never stopped her physical and mental torture of his children, will suffer for weeks if I do not. And I am so angry about that. I normally can let thoughts of her roll away, contact is minimal and visits are few (I live in another country) so she doesn't get in to my mind usually but I've woken up so cross about this today, just like every year. I sent a basic card, it's always hard to find one that is not gushing. Why can't I have a mother who deserves a gushing card? FB is full of pics of my friends with their loving mothers. At this stage I would even rather be someone who had at least had a loving mother for a while and then lost her. Which is awful thing to say but it's true. Don't tell me I'll miss her when she's gone because honestly I will not. Another awful thing to say but it is true

You do not have to call her and honestly I would let your weak bystander of a father (who completely failed to protect you both from her out of self preservation and want of a quiet life) suffer her wrath if she was to inflict it. Your sibling and you have suffered more than enough at the hands of these abusive and inadequate people.

It is NOT your fault they are like this; you did not cause them to act that way. Their own families of origin did that to them.

It may be an idea for you to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as well.

I tried to read that years ago and I found it too painful. I think I gave my copy to charity but perhaps I will buy it again. As my sisters mental health has taken a terrible turn this last year and I have tried and failed to get them to step in and help her I have become angrier and angrier with them and have been contemplating going NC. My mother no longer treats me as she did because I stood up to her and take no shit from her now but she is in complete denial about how she was and what she has done. Years ago I tried to confront her and she told me she didn't know what I was talking about, I didn't understand how things were then. This from the woman who would wait until my father had left for his night shift to drag me from my bed to clean the kitchen "properly" and who I would have to suffer terrible screaming rants followed by days of silent treatment from because of some minor childhood misdemeanour. I would like to know how things are could warrant such behaviour. Sorry, I am venting rather more than I intended to.

I wouldn't call her either.

Sorry that your Dad will have to suffer for this but why keep up the pretence any more?

If you are seriously thinking about going NC with her, and you said yourself you are happier going about your day to day life generally, it might just be the right day, today, to do just that.

I wish my mother had been more loving too, she isn't getting a call, a card, nothing.

crapartist you are not alone. I am completely nc with my waste of space of a mother, but still Mother's Day celebrations in my line of sight so to speak make me sad. As recommended above, I would suggest going completely nc and staying at way. You owe your father nothing, trying to rescue him at all is unwarranted in this situation.

I'm not ready for the fallout of not calling her. It will be the beginning of the end iyswim and I'm not prepared yet.

It's very hard though freshstart, I feel like I need a reason to start down this road, some event to give me justification if that make sense? How did you come to be NC if you don't mind me asking?

I hear you and I'm very sad to read your post, crapartist. I agree that your dad should take the flak if there is any - and maybe stand up to his wife for once in his life. He didn't stand up for you and your sister, he doesn't deserve your over-consideration. Maybe he will find his backbone and actually give you mum a few home truths... not before time.

My mum isn't as bad as yours sounds but I've been very sad all week with her gameplaying and telling me that she hates mothers' day. I finally had enough of it and have taken her at her word. I visited yesterday and haven't acknowledged the day today. When the debacle is over I'm going to tell her how badly she makes me feel and that I'm done with her games.

She's been ringing today and I'm not answering. I don't think you should ring your mum either. It won't stop you feeling it though, unfortunately.

Vent away, this is more prolific than anybody realises and, whilst I'm sorry that other posters go through this stuff, it's sometimes a relief to realise that I'm not on my own.

It is a relief isn't it? But so sad there are so many in this position. I'm sure my mother like most didn't mean for it to go so badly wrong and yet here we all are. I think I could forget the past if they would just step up now instead of leaving me to cope with my sister, which I am completely unable to do on my own.

At this stage I would even rather be someone who had at least had a loving mother for a while and then lost her. Which is awful thing to say but it's true.

It's not an awful thing to say at all. I did have a loving mother who passed away at a relatively young age 2 years ago. I would still much rather that than the mother you describe.

I understand that you don't want to hurt your father but, really, he is an adult who should have defended his young daughters against their abusive mother YEARS ago. Is his suffering a couple of weeks of mother's moods now really worse than everything he has 'allowed' you & your sister to go through? Is it even comparable?

Quite honestly (and I think this is possibly the first or second time I've ever said this), I would become NC with both parents & concentrate on helping your sister as much as you are able (which I am sure you already do). I would start by not making that phone call today.

Crapartist I know you didn't direct the question to me but I am also NC with my mother, apart from rare and random FB messages. She doesn't know my address.

For us, it just happened, she stopped talking to me because I questioned her statement "I try to be a good daughter to my mother" (who is the most extreme toxic person on this planet, very similar episodes as you described earlier with emotional, verbal and physical abuse) my own mother was on the phone to me daily complaining about her.

I said to her at the time what the hell did she mean by that, it is not a daughters responsibility to be a good daughter, it is the mothers responsibility to ensure the daughter is raised well and is happy and secure as an adult. FUCK that "being a good daughter" crap! I know at the time she was alluding to me "not being a good daughter" well sorry Mother you didn't earn any respect from me in my (at the time) 38 years, so go and do one!

Any possibility of just texting?
I do suggest that you make this Mother's Day the start of you mothering yourself - with love.
I have to go and say happy Mother's Day too. I'm putting it off. I really have reached the point where I just c.b.a.
All my sympathy to you and your sister. It really sucks.
And I'm glad you posted this here because I feel sick -and then guilty about my ungenerous reaction - being surrounded by people celebrating supportive mothers.
Sneaky admission: it makes me want to strangle people. How evil is that! I'm usually nice, too. But I guess it's just a generalised hurt, envy and anger.
So - happy daughter's day to you - and I hope you build your garden of happiness somewhere in the future.

Your father failed to protect you and your sister, why do you feel like it is your job to protect him? It is not. Make 2015 the year of change. Do not call. Disappear from their lives and put you and your sister first for once.

Artist, neither of them are showing you or your sister much concern are they?

You're not responsible for your mother's treatment of your father. She'd probably just find something else to berate him with anyway. You don't have to call her.

You asked about how to go no contact. I'm in the process of doing that myself. I keep everything businesslike, and don't talk about what's going on for me, any emotional stuff.

Thank you all for your messages of support, it really helps. I am going to think long and hard about what to do next because I can't carry on like this.

I did call in the end. A quick cursory happy Mother's Day then I quickly changed the subject, listened while she talked about inconsequential things, never mentioning my sister of course. Then spoke to dad, tried again to get him to go see my sisters doctors with her which I know he won't. I do love my dad, and he has suffered greatly too at the hands of my mother, that's what makes it hard when I think about NC, but he is a bit useless to be honest. I just don't think I can handle all my sisters problems myself. It is rather a selfish thing to think but part of me feels resentful that in having to help her deal with he issues and the past (which I have done for many years now) , it awakens my own demons and also why shouldn't they clean up their own bloody mess!

I wonder if this will be the last year I send that bloody card and make that call. It's all a pile of lies and we all know it.

How about happy egg donor day!

I think it will be a massive statement to her in particular, if you don't bother again.

You have to stop worrying about your Dad. He is an adult. He has chosen to stay with her and bury his head in the sand. Such a shame for both you and your sister, and I am sorry

Thanks steve and everyone. I know about the FOG thing in situations like this and it's definitely true, not the fear anymore but the obligation and guilt. I do daydream about what it would be like to just close off contact and leave them to it, but it's so hard to imagine. I couldn't care less about what would happen to her if I broke contact but if my dad became sick and died down the line I think I would feel pretty awful about not seeing him. And if I do this it will be all or nothing, so it's a pretty big decision.

Artist

You do seem completely mired in obligation and guilt but that is all misplaced really. The people who really failed here were and remain your parents because of all the damage they have caused.

I would consider reading Toxic Parents (you can read excerpts online) and consider also seeing a therapist about your ongoing obligation and guilt towards these people.

Attila yes I think you're right. I've had lots of counselling before but I'm still here. I will go buy toxic parents now. It's just very hard to picture actually doing it.

What you said in your last post Artist, about feeling obligated to your father was how i used to feel.

They're adults. Capable of making their own choices. Like my father, he preferred to stay in his comfortable and familiar misery. Has become more and more bitter over the years. He's now very ill, and I'm a great believer that living in a constantly stressful situation will take its' toll on your health. Don't let them drain your good health away.

And a resounding yes to finding a decent BACP/UKCP registered therapist.

I talked to my DP about this and he said he would support me if I did go NC and I could go back to my old therapist for support too and I can imagine not being in contact but it's the doing it I can't figure out if that makes sense. Like, do I tell them I won't speak to them again, do I give them a chance to change, or do I just stop answering the phone and instigate a period of what would be great confusion on their part? I can't see them just letting it go without explanation and I don't want to explain myself when they should know already . They are very religious too and I can imagine them sending a bloody priest to talk some "sense" into me or something like that! I would be the villain then you see, me cutting contact feels like I'd be giving them ammunition.

Artist,

Both may be of some use to you now:-
www.lightshouse.org/how-to-go-no-contact.html#axzz3UUXv5MBu

www.lightshouse.org/the-benefits-of-no-contact.html#axzz3UUXv5MBu

And no, such people like your parents do not change. They have also not ever apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions.

Do you feel better after a good old rant? It does you good to get it all out anonymously sometimes. I'm sure I've written a similar post about my mum in the past and I know what you mean about wanting the most simple card that doesn't call her wonderful, amazing etc. I started to get blank cards with just a nice picture on the front instead.

I can't advise too much on how to stop contact as it's something I didn't get round to doing. My mum died a month ago, she was an alcoholic and was very selfish and manipulative. I felt I was at the same point you are at now, unsure whether to go NC, how to explain it to her and wondering how it would feel. I think if you were to do it you would need to feel very strongly that it's the right thing for you to do and be able to stand by that decision. Don't rush your decision, take some time to really think it over and get some counselling if you can. Good luck x

So sorry for late reply artist. I went nc about 13 years ago - moved house and didn't give her my new details, also instructed other family not to. Experienced huge guilt tripping from within but stood my ground. Eventually left the country which helped too! Saved my sanity, as I could not continue to have anything to do with her given the many at best neglectful, at worst criminally negligent things she had done to myself and my brothers. The only brother who continues to be in contact with her has since become a meth addict and completely lost the plot. For yours and your sister's sakes, walk away. Societal guilt does not have a place in such situations - your parents have been completely out of bounds so no have no recourse to "Norma, expectations or duty.

Sorry for typos! That should read norms not Norma!