Afraid to end my marriage (rather long)

[AubergineDusk]

Apologies if this gets long. I don't want to drip feed and there's a lot of back story.

Basically, I want to end my marriage but I am afraid. I've been unhappy for years, when I've said anything to H he's been dismissive and started on about how hard things are for him (busy with work and child's sporting commitments). I find it hard to voice my feelings I know I do and I feel responsible for everyone else's happiness - I am a 'good girl'.

We've been married 16 years, have 3 DC's aged 9-13 I'm 49 and he's mid-50's. It's a second marriage for both of us. No kids from my first, he has two adult children.

I have posted before under a different username and that was the first time anyone had said to me that the only reason I needed to end it was that I was unhappy - sounds silly now but that was a bit of a revelation.

Over the years things he's done and said have eroded away the love I had for him, I know I bear some responsibility for not speaking up more firmly, for letting things go, for thinking 'that's how it is and I have to get on with it'. Partly too it's been a case of being so busy managing day to day life with three kids and working full or part time at various points with the major responsibility for everything to do with our lives except the middle DC's sport, that I've pushed our 'issues' to the bottom of the to do list to tackle later. Trouble is that now it's too late - it's all gone for me.

He is moody, miserable, negative, paranoid, angry with everyone, doesn't like people, always picks fault, is always on at the kids.

Sex is hideous. I haven't wanted it with him in a long time. He has a high sex drive. Didn't listen to what I wanted when I used to bother saying anything. It became another demand on my body and energy when the kids were small but he 'needed' it. I have shown no enthusiasm for sex in years and years and never initiate it - all I got were complaints about never initiating it.

Late in 2013 a few things happened that made me realise I can't go on with this - bereavement, serious illness, realising I was approaching 50 fast. That was the first time it entered my head that I could have a future in which I wasn't married to him.

It took until late summer last year for me to say anything. I told him I was unhappy and why and that I didn't want to have sex with him. He went into a massive irrational rant including how I was lucky he did as much about the house as he did, he would leave the country and I 'wouldn't get a penny' if I divorced him etc. etc. That lasted about 20 minutes then he went into the mode he has been in ever since of self pity, 'please love me', emotional wreck, crying, going round with his head hanging down, putting his arms out for a cuddle wearing a wounded puppy face, buying me unwanted gifts, following me about, offering to do the smallest things for me 'I'll take that', 'let me carry that for you' I could go on and on.

He started doing more about the house and being better with the kids but that is wearing off.

He still 'needs' to touch me and have me touch him sexually. We had had penetrative sex three times since the 'conversation', once against my will - I know how terrible that is.

I have been biding my time till a financial situation resolves which will be in the early summer and I am building up my courage to tell him after that that it is over.

He is completely dependent on me emotionally, he has no real friends, doesn't like his family and is many miles away from them. If (when) I tell him he will be incredibly angry then completely disintegrate. He will also use that I am going to cause the children upset and pain.

I have RL friends who know what is going on but my family has no idea. My mum said the other day that she hope's I appreciate him (he was in full on perfect husband mode) - I don't know whether she picked up on my lack of reaction to that one!

He is away this coming week. I am going to open myself a bank account and take out a credit card. I have been planning and researching the financial situation. I feel like I am moving towards doing what I want to do but I still can't imagine I am actually going to do it.

I am afraid of his reaction, I am afraid of the effect his reaction will have on the kids, I am afraid of what us splitting will do to the kids, I am afraid of my parents' reactions. But most of all I suppose I am afraid that my fear will stop me ending it.

There will never be "a right time"

You said that you were unhappy

Have you actually confirmed if you can buy him out of the house ?
Why dont you sell the house & both of you get half & start new lives

I see that time has passed, so are you going to split or not ?

What are you waiting for ?

Good for you for getting legal advice. You could talk to some other solicitors if you don't feel confident in this one.

It's easy for any of us to say "You should do this, you should do that, why haven't you done these things" but it's much harder for the person in the middle of the situation and sometimes even well-meaning advice can seem like just another person bossing you around telling you what to do, when what you really need is the freedom and strength to make your own choices. You've been taking steps in that direction and can keep moving down that road at your own pace as you get stronger and stronger.

Do you have RL people to talk to about the situation? I'm seeing a Relate counsellor right now for individual sessions and it is a huge help.

Good luck!

Hi op just adding my support. I think you're brave and thoughtful, and will leave him when it's the best timing for you, not us on here. I also think your kids need to know a sanitised version of the truth otherwise they won't understand why you've done it. Have you considered how you'll explain it?

I have picked a date (well, a week) but I'm keeping it to myself. It is easy to end up feeling pressured by others' expectations - especially when, like me, you are the type of person who is used to pleasing everyone else.

Thanks to those acknowledging that I need to do it in my own time and that I am making progress.

The reasons I have not done it yet are:
I am scared of causing hurt to him and mainly the children
I was waiting for financial things to happen (now they have)
I was waiting for exam time to pass (it has)
I think I need to be in the new job a short while at least - that wasn't on the horizon when I started this thread

Soon I will be left with only the first reason.

I know the children will need an age appropriate reason. I'm not sure what's right. The eldest isn't especially emotionally mature whilst the youngest is so, possibly the same explanation will be OK for them all. The eldest won't ask any questions. The younger ones probably will. The truth is that I don't love their dad any more, I still care about him and don't hate him.

Well, June is over and I haven't told him yet but I have decided when, on the basis that the timing will be least bad for the children.

I have booked annual leave for one of the early weeks in the school holidays. I plan to tell him just before this and then take the kids away for a few days. I have decided where to go but haven't booked it yet. It is somewhere they will love but H dislikes so, him not being there will not feel odd. We will definitely have more fun than we have there in the past with him.

Booking it will be another step to making it real.

I have confided in a couple of friends in RL about my plans but not the actual dates yet. It's almost like an insurance policy so there's someone to hold me to account.

Sometimes it feels unreal in fact, most of the time. Life is just going on as normal.

But, things happen that are unbearable for much longer and I know I have to do it. I need to keep focussing on the reasons I'm doing this.

I am afraid and can't believe that I'm actually going to do it. I know what I plan to say, which isn't very much. There's no point. He'll just tell me I'm wrong and it's not like that. I do feel strong in that I know I just have to keep calm and stick to my guns which I know I can do. But, I am afraid of his tears, anger, self-pity, dependency, that he will try to emotionally manipulate me using the kids, that he won't have their best interests at heart at first at least, that he will blame me to them. I should be protecting them not exposing them to this.

OP, you should feel really proud of yourself for making this choice, from your posts it really, really is the right thing to do.

I do feel strong in that I know I just have to keep calm and stick to my guns which I know I can do. remember your own words when you do it. You can, and you will feel so empowered for doing it.

FWIW, I did the same, 9 years ago, telling my XH that it was over, and there was no going back. Terrible rship, EA, sexually abusive to me, it was miserable. It wasn't until I went back to work, I realised that what I had wasn't a normal marriage. He cried, threatened suicide, said he would file for custody of DCs, but I stuck to my guns. Your H will probably do the same, as you say. But don't allow yourself to be manipulated or swayed. These men rely on using emotion to get what they want. I won't deny it was hard, the thought of a big change and starting again is a big thing. But it was the right thing, 100% no regrets. You deserve so much more than the situation you're in.

You sound very strong and determined- stay that way!

Thanks MrsV I keep thinking what life will be like in a few months or this time next year and I know it will be good but in between there's a horrible black cloud I have to go through. I know I have to but at the same time I can't believe I'm really going to do it.

He's working late tonight and the house is so peaceful. Very unusually he's away two nights next week with work - I can't wait, which says it all. Except I know that he'll expect sex the night before and when he gets back. He repulses me but I don't want to rock the boat before I'm ready to.

The biggest benefit of a divorce is that you no longer have sex with the person who repulses you!! You soooo need to do this. People for centuries stayed married because they literally had no choice; you have the choice. Yes, it can be scary, and you may need to plan a bit, but you have to believe that you are resourceful and you will survive. I have not yet met a woman who regretted leaving.....

I'm excited for you. I know that sounds odd when you have such turmoil to get through but I remember the overwhelming feelings of freedom, relief and tranquillity I felt when I split up with my slightly controlling, definitely sexually pressurising and generally unpleasant ex husband.
Wow being on my own (with DC) was empowering. I could finally relax in my own home.

It doesn't sound odd fuzzy. I know what you mean and I do feel excited about it myself. There's also the fear of what I need to get through first and I suppose part of that is fear of the unknown in terms of his reaction. I like to be in control and that's something I can't control. I just have to accept that there's nothing I can do about it.

I know I will feel relieved when I do it.

I am afraid I will chicken out but I think the fear of not doing it is greater. Just worried that might change as the time approaches.

I was out with two very good friends last night and told them my plans. They were really supportive, I knew they would be but it was great to hear it. I feel really positive this morning :-)

Part of telling them was so that I've kind of committed to doing it.

I will be telling him this Thursday provided he is back from his business trip. If not, Friday.

I feel anxious but know I am doing the right thing. Please help me keep strong.

good luck, AD. I'm really glad you have a date. I know it will be hard but think of what a relief it will be for you when you can be free of this marriage.

Ive been reading your post. Only signed up this morning and started my own thread as been in a very similar situation to you. My husband left yesterday after months of me putting of "the chat" it really does feel its never the right time because the fear kicks in. He is now a broken man and like yours does not have the same support network of friends and family that I do.

You and I, we never wanted this, but this is our lives and others will adjust. Look around you. You are not the first or the last to go through this and will come out the other end but it will be an emotional journey. I so feel your emotions right now. Please keep us posted and allow us all to support you as it really gives you the strength. x

Thanks box and tic.

tic your post speaks to exactly where I am. Sorry you are going through this too.

I can't believe how calm I am still feeling. He's on his way home, will be here in an hour or so. I'm clearing one of the spare beds - one of us will be in there tomorrow night. This time tomorrow I will have done it.

Good luck

Good luck!!! Keep us posted.xx

Very good luck, tomorrow

Done.

I said my piece. He's in denial and thinks we can resolve things. I know I just need to stick to my guns for his sake as well as mine.

I expected anger but there was none - thank goodness.

He's texted me lots and has tried to bring all sorts of irrelevant stuff to bear to pressure me. I sent a very matter of fact text back spelling out dispassionately that e.g. I am an adult and not controlled by my parents whatever they may or may not think of what I'm doing. Surprisingly he's said he understands.

I know this is only the start of a very long road but I feel empowered. I am not taking any more sh*t or living my life to make other people happy at my own expense any longer.

It is how it is and everyone else will have to get used to it - they'll live.

The children are the only ones getting any priority in this situation.

Thanks for your support thus far.

Well done very proud of you. Just be warned though they can initially be in the shock zone trying to reason with you but if it doesn't work they can get quite emotional. I've just agreed to give it another go because I need a break from the daily torment of crying and begging! My heart is not in it but I'm shattered.
Try and refrain from doing this as I have just set myself back.
Enjoy the liberated rush though..... You deserve it! X

Well done. It's so hard just to start the conversation, isn't it?

Another warning here about the initial calm agreement followed by the crying, the promises to change (yeah right) and the pleading. I found it by turns repellant and heart wrenching and had to be so firm and cold.

Hope you're OK.

Well, everything blew up last night after a day of being deluged by texts. He involved my parents. My mum understands and is supportive, my dad advised my H to see a solicitor this morning to 'protect himself'! I feel betrayed but right now I am past caring what others think.

My H was interrogating me in front of my parents, it was horrid. I should've refused to engage but it's so hard not to defend yourself. I stayed calm until my dad got involved. I asked him to leave, H said he wouldn't allow me to speak to my dad like that or throw him out of his house - WTAF! My mum asked him to go and sit in the car which he did.

The children were in bed but awake and the two younger ones became upset. He was so selfish - creating a drama to get sympathy. I know he is hurting and lashing out but I can't forgive him.

I felt ganged up on and that he was attempting to intimidate and control me through my parents and the kids.

He seems to think that I somehow need to negotiate with him for him to agree to a separation. He actually argued that I needed to get his agreement to enable me to separate from him - this is a man who works in a legal environment.

I've had the crying and pleading. He has apologised for last night but that doesn't change that it's happened and I have now fallen out with my dad. I rang my brother who is supportive.

The kids are fine now but that's because he has told them everything is OK. I feel bad that we have not been truthful and that there will be difficult news for them down the line but what's done is done. He also told them that neither of us would be moving out of our bedroom so I had to share the bed with him and will have to keep on doing so at least until we get back from holiday.

He's in major denial mode. He's said there's no way he's moving out even part time and that I need to propose what I am going to do. He seems to think this is fixable somehow though he acknowledges that's not how I feel (too right!).

I need to give him (a bit) of time to process what's happened I think, it's barely been 24 hours yet. He wants 'as long as it's taken me to decide I don't love him any more' - at least a year he says!

My hope is that it's early days yet and things will move on and change in the short term. I need to take stock and work out my next move(s).

It's going to be a long haul but I've started.

We did have a conversation this morning in which we agreed that we both needed to put the children ahead of ourselves - I'm hoping he can stick to that.

So feeling your pain!!! You feel liberated then defeated!
Stubborn so and so's aren't they! I'm so going through the same thing and everyday is a struggle. As you saw in my earlier post I'm in a pretence that I'm giving it another go as it was getting to much. Mine after raving for 1 day also said not going anywhere!
Have you seen a solicitor? I saw one last week 45 min free consultation. If you haven't it's worth doing.
Bottom line is no one can physically force another to stay with them. There us always a way. As hard as the path may be!

This sounds awful but one thing I really don't get is why you are still sharing a room just because he told the children this? Sorry but no. Move out tonight and sleep in another room if he won't go. You are sending very mixed messages to everyone, him included if you stay sleeping in the same bed.

He needs to see you mean business. Perhaps you envisioned telling the dc in a different way and breaking it gently but they have eyes and ears and would no doubt prefer to hear the truth rather than a fudged version of the truth and a spilt happen anyway.

Keep strong, he's still manipulating you. You get to choose who you share the bed with, not him.

You are the boss of yourself NOT him and you do not have to do as he says!!! Move out of that bedroom immediately, you are still letting him dictate to you and control you.

The children should be told asap.
If you have not seen a lawyer do it now with urgency.
Also get all your paperwork in order and moved to a safe place along with copies of his payslips, pension info and any other financial stuff. I would also move money from any joint accounts to somewhere only you can access, not the whole lot but at least 50%.

He will probably turn nasty very very soon and you need to be prepared.