Afraid to end my marriage (rather long)

[AubergineDusk]

Apologies if this gets long. I don't want to drip feed and there's a lot of back story.

Basically, I want to end my marriage but I am afraid. I've been unhappy for years, when I've said anything to H he's been dismissive and started on about how hard things are for him (busy with work and child's sporting commitments). I find it hard to voice my feelings I know I do and I feel responsible for everyone else's happiness - I am a 'good girl'.

We've been married 16 years, have 3 DC's aged 9-13 I'm 49 and he's mid-50's. It's a second marriage for both of us. No kids from my first, he has two adult children.

I have posted before under a different username and that was the first time anyone had said to me that the only reason I needed to end it was that I was unhappy - sounds silly now but that was a bit of a revelation.

Over the years things he's done and said have eroded away the love I had for him, I know I bear some responsibility for not speaking up more firmly, for letting things go, for thinking 'that's how it is and I have to get on with it'. Partly too it's been a case of being so busy managing day to day life with three kids and working full or part time at various points with the major responsibility for everything to do with our lives except the middle DC's sport, that I've pushed our 'issues' to the bottom of the to do list to tackle later. Trouble is that now it's too late - it's all gone for me.

He is moody, miserable, negative, paranoid, angry with everyone, doesn't like people, always picks fault, is always on at the kids.

Sex is hideous. I haven't wanted it with him in a long time. He has a high sex drive. Didn't listen to what I wanted when I used to bother saying anything. It became another demand on my body and energy when the kids were small but he 'needed' it. I have shown no enthusiasm for sex in years and years and never initiate it - all I got were complaints about never initiating it.

Late in 2013 a few things happened that made me realise I can't go on with this - bereavement, serious illness, realising I was approaching 50 fast. That was the first time it entered my head that I could have a future in which I wasn't married to him.

It took until late summer last year for me to say anything. I told him I was unhappy and why and that I didn't want to have sex with him. He went into a massive irrational rant including how I was lucky he did as much about the house as he did, he would leave the country and I 'wouldn't get a penny' if I divorced him etc. etc. That lasted about 20 minutes then he went into the mode he has been in ever since of self pity, 'please love me', emotional wreck, crying, going round with his head hanging down, putting his arms out for a cuddle wearing a wounded puppy face, buying me unwanted gifts, following me about, offering to do the smallest things for me 'I'll take that', 'let me carry that for you' I could go on and on.

He started doing more about the house and being better with the kids but that is wearing off.

He still 'needs' to touch me and have me touch him sexually. We had had penetrative sex three times since the 'conversation', once against my will - I know how terrible that is.

I have been biding my time till a financial situation resolves which will be in the early summer and I am building up my courage to tell him after that that it is over.

He is completely dependent on me emotionally, he has no real friends, doesn't like his family and is many miles away from them. If (when) I tell him he will be incredibly angry then completely disintegrate. He will also use that I am going to cause the children upset and pain.

I have RL friends who know what is going on but my family has no idea. My mum said the other day that she hope's I appreciate him (he was in full on perfect husband mode) - I don't know whether she picked up on my lack of reaction to that one!

He is away this coming week. I am going to open myself a bank account and take out a credit card. I have been planning and researching the financial situation. I feel like I am moving towards doing what I want to do but I still can't imagine I am actually going to do it.

I am afraid of his reaction, I am afraid of the effect his reaction will have on the kids, I am afraid of what us splitting will do to the kids, I am afraid of my parents' reactions. But most of all I suppose I am afraid that my fear will stop me ending it.

I'm ashamed to say that I have started to have sex with my H again. It's happened gradually with him pushing the boundaries more and more and me thinking that if I give in and 'let him' he will leave me alone for a while. Which he does but of course the length of time he laves me alone gets shorter and shorter. He quite often says sorry after or that he doesn't want to pressure me, because really, he knows I don't want it.

It's my way of buying time. I know it's cowardly but I'm not ready to deal with everything yet.

Feeing overwhelmed today and so tired.

Things have stalled a bit - I've not made any more practical steps forward. I had a couple of days away over the Easter break and I had to pay beforehand, and I knew I'd pay when I got back, in terms of his moody behaviour and snide comments not to mention the sex. It was good to have some head space though.

It's contradictory - I know more than ever that I have to do something but I feel more paralysed than ever. I read about FOG (fear, obligation & guilt) on a thread about abusive parents - that describes exactly what I feel.

I need some hand holding.

Please stop having sex you do not want

this mam is a rapist

man *

No more, no more planning, no more waiting, no more rape

Speak to a lawyer tomorrow and end it...make the move, this situation is killing you

It is killing me - that's exactly how I feel.

Two of our DC's have exams next month and there's a financial thing at the start of June. I'm holding on but, it is killing me.

and after June ?

kids birthdays you don't want to "spoil", summer holidays you don't want to ruin, then Xmas coming up

.There is never a good time to do this

Do you think dcs aren't aware of the tension?

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? Where are you going to live?

Sleep on the couch, no more of allowing him to touch you...mentally start making the break and protecting and distancing yourself....stop trying to appease him, theses things you can do now

I have thought that AF - there is never a good time. After June will be the least bad time. No summer holiday booked, deliberately. DS2 starts senior school in September and I want the dust to have settled by then.

I am afraid but I have to do this.

What date in June will this thing be sorted by?

Get all your ducks lined up first before you tell him.

Contact Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 - lines busy during the day, sadly; 7pm-7am is best time to call. You have been routinely sexually abused - at least - for years. Imo you need real life support. Also sign up on your local Freedom Programme course (easy to find on their site). These will really open your eyes, going a long way to breaking down the fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) that is currently holding you back.

Your kids may not know precisely about the abuse but the home environment is coloured by it ie your kids live in an abusive environment, whether it's obvious or not. This is very damaging for them. You are doing the right thing to get out - or get him out.

Really, you really don't need to feel sorry for his 'hurt', he is perfectly capable of looking after himself. His initial reaction to your announcement is imo closer to the truth about him. All the hangdog shit is emotional blackmail, a device he is using to crush you into submission.

Re the timing re the kids - when I did it, the time between the announcement and the split was quite short - not ideal but being raped is not ideal either. It would be great if it could all be done reasonably and decently but that's not going to happen so you have to do the best with what you have.

Good luck with it all. When he's out of the house the relief will be palpable, which will be apparent to the kids who will be breathing fresh air. Don't cloud it with entirely misplaced guilt.

You are kicking a rapist out of your family home. Don't forget that it minimise what he's done.

*or

OP your OH sounds exactly the same as my ex.... Moody, controlling, sexually demanding. I knew for 10 yrs I should leave before I did (in November) I thought he wouldn't cope... But you know what he has!! All the practical things I did cos he wasn't capable... He's doing...

There never is a good time but once that seed of life without has been planted, there is no going back. The idea of freedom is scary & intoxicating in equal measure. I discovered MN in June last year, that was the first time I realised how bad things were and allowed myself to use the term "emotional abuse" when thinking about his behaviour. I told him then it was over but I got suckered in to giving him one more (one more) chance.... It's was over for certain in September and I stayed strong leading up to me leaving the family home in November (my DSs are older) ... I am still subject to his manipulation tactics but they no longer work!!

Read this themindunleashed.org/2014/07/8-ways-protect-emotional-manipulation.html and keep coming here for support.

Thanks everyone for your advice.
Good news is that it looks like by June I will have a new job, significantly more money and a car or allowance.
Someone asked where I will go - I don't intend to leave the family home. I can borrow enough to buy him out when it gets to that stage without the new job. The new job will make it more affordable.
The financial thing is 1 June. We have some money coming that I want to use to pay off some of the mortgage. So will take a few days to process that.
I'm not afraid of the practicalities of splitting. It's the emotional stuff. I will think about calling Women's Aid. I don't need practical help but I do need emotional support. I did see a counsellor last year and may get back in touch with her.

Letter has arrive about the money that is coming, it is slightly more than I'd allowed for which is good.

I have a second interview for the new job and feel confident I will be offered it - in which case I will definitely accept.

I have arranged an appointment with our IFA next week so that I can get up to date valuations on our pensions and investments.

yougotafriend I will take a look at the link you posted - Thanks

I'm sorry if I've missed it, but how will you get him out of the house?

Have you stopped sharing a bed with him?

I haven't stopped sharing a bed with him as I know this will be the trigger point for it coming to a head and us having the conversation we need to and I need to have my ducks in a row financially first and get the kids' exams/tests out of the way.

As for getting him out of the house, we will have the conversation then we need to decide how we are going to handle things. The 'nuclear option', if he is not prepared to move at all, is that I could move out with the children into a rented house. I don't think he would want that but I could afford to do it if I needed to. He's been divorced before and wanted his ex wife to stay in the house for the stability of the children. She still lives there now. I was in his life at the time though we met after his first marriage broke down.

I know it's not a popular option, but I would consider 50:50 parenting with the DC's staying in the house and us coming and going for a couple of years. By then they would all be at secondary school in the neighbouring, less expensive, village where it would be feasible for us both to buy family homes big enough for the DC's to stay.

I don't know how it will pan out but I know I have options.

However bad things have become for me, I don't hate him, I just want us to move from a married relationship to a co-parenting one. I know I will have to go through a very difficult time to get there.

It's probably hard to believe but most of the time we have a very 'normal' family life, no arguing, no atmosphere. Most people will be surprised I think.

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

I would also ask whether you have now sought legal advice particularly on this point:-

"The 'nuclear option', if he is not prepared to move at all, is that I could move out with the children into a rented house".

Re your comment:-
"It's probably hard to believe but most of the time we have a very 'normal' family life, no arguing, no atmosphere. Most people will be surprised I think".

However, this comment of yours, "he is moody, miserable, negative, paranoid, angry with everyone, doesn't like people, always picks fault, is always on at the kids" totally suggests otherwise.

You really do need to stop sharing a bed with him.

If anyone should feel guilty here it is him but he is incapable of that feeling. You carry around an awful lot of fear and totally misplaced guilt. He has behaved I would think very much like he did in his first marriage and that ended too.

Most people will probably not be all that bothered when you finally separate from this individual. I would not consider them or their reactions at all; its the welfare of your children and yourself that are the priorities now. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what do you think they have learnt here to date?. It may also be that your mother's attitude and has kept you along with a lot of other factors within this for far too long.

I think that separating from him will be the making of you ultimately; he has crushed you that much.

Not seen a solicitor yet. Will need to do that in working hours and have had to fit job interviews in already. Also, I want to have up to date financial information (the IFA is coming to the house in the evening). I should probably see a couple of solicitors.

Cross posted Atilla.

Life is 'normal' in that the kids and I know that's how he is and get on with life ignoring it as much as we can. People outside the family don't see it as much and it's treated as him just being him - a miserable old git. A couple of my friends have 50+ miserable, antisocial husbands.

I really don't intend to leave the house but I know I could if I had to. If I could find somewhere - 4 bed places to rent seem pretty rare round here.

Have you started researching solicitors then? Do your research, and decide who you're going to see. That's something practical you can do, now.

Well, it's now June isn't it?
The money is in the bank, I just need to make the payment.
I've been off work this week. I start my new job on Monday. I've managed to get some headspace to think and I saw a solicitor. She didn't tell me anything I didn't know. I wasn't very impressed with her to be honest though she was recommended. She said if we could agree finances between ourselves that would be best.
She didn't seem to be used to dealing with women with a decent income and told me I would be expected to 'downsize' given the value of the house (which isn't excessive for a family house in the kids' school linked area). We would have to stay in the area for them to continue to get free transport to school. I should be able to buy him out anyway without downsizing (yet - would probably need to do that once they have moved out).
Her understanding of pensions seemed rudimentary but gives me a rough idea to go on I suppose.
I felt like she thought I was pretty well off and didn't need help!
To be fair, I probably don't need much help with finances and the practical stuff . I'm pretty capable in that area. It's being brave and having the conversation I can't face.
He has stopped putting pressure on me sexually. So things are better in that respect though probably only temporarily.
I have though started to feel really sad and tearful at times. I think because I know I am going to do this. I hope that is why.
I took the time to write some stuff down about how I feel and it is so simple really. That helped I think. It is well hidden.
I have an idea of a plan of when I will tell him. I need to have been in the new job a few weeks in case I need time off but it really needs to be before school breaks up or very early in the holidays. I want the children to have as much time to adjust as possible before the start of the new school year.
Sorry for the slightly rambling nature of the update.

Well done, you are making progress.

Good luck with the job. Pick a date to tell him and stick to it. You owe it to yourself to start your life again.

Aubergine,

I have nothing to add to previous posts just wanted say I admire your strength and am really rooting for you to succeed.