I'm an idiot.
I've been here before.
I've told my story, had the advice and yet just carried on cos I'm too weak too pathetic. I'm too scared.
I have 2dc, 2.5 and 6months.
I've been married 2yrs. Together 4.
He has screamed at me several times today.
Just now so loud and angrily it woke the baby from a different room.
Today's fight was because I continued doing the washing up when he said would do it. But he didn't do it, and I needed it done so I could start cooking. When he saw me doing it he got the hump and started a row. Which was apparently started by me.
He has screamed at me that I'm a bully and a nagging dog.
He pressured me into circumcising my DS and then has refused to do any of the aftercare. He has not changed a single nappy in over a week. Today he gave me a lie in and said he would do breakfasts. Apparently this didn't include DS who was crying so much when I got up. I breastfed and he fell asleep. H hadn't made him any porridge. How hard is it? Mix milk with the powder, spoon into mouth..... That's cruel.
I don't nag. I wouldn't dare. He would get moody and that's not worth it.
His family live in another country. He has only seen them once in the last 10 yrs. his choice. His sister lives here though. Same city as us. He doesn't see her cos he dislikes her husband.
He screamed at me that I've stopped him seeing his family. It's my fault.
He is lazy with friends. It's like he can't be bothered really, or they are a source of annoyance when they want anything - even if it's a dinner invitation. It's as if he doesn't want to go. It's a chore for him.
He doesn't want to know my family. Isn't interested in coming to family stuff at all.
He screamed at me that I'm trying to stop him seeing his only friend he has left (they were supposed to come for dinner today but after the washing up row he saw me crying, flipped out and cancelled them coming)
He is always - and I do mean every single day - late to work. He has a 0 hour contract and actually that suits his boss ok but he complains about it. He moans about money but he just can't seem to get up, dress and go to work.
He's trying to break into a new career but isn't really trying. He's found one agency who throw occasional work his way.
He is tired. Always. Was before we had kids. Is even more tired now.
He says he is interested in travel and culture and sight seeing or days out etc but whenever I mention anything it's either 'lets just relax' or 'I'm tired' or 'we need to save money' and then cue him buying something he wants but doesn't need
Now I'm tired. I'm tired of the name calling. Tired of the shouting. Tired of it being my fault. Tired of making excuses. Tired of never getting any apologies. Tired of being meaningless. Tired of putting in 2 people's worth of effort and getting nothing in return.
Tired of wanting him to change. Tired of knowing he won't.
But mostly I'm tired of how meaningless I have become. To myself.
How did this happen? I have degraded myself. Hugely. I have lied to friends and family about things cos I'm ashamed and embarrassed.
He's 'such a nice guy' - not he's not. He's a fucking arsehole.
I'm scared my dd will choose a man like him.
I'm scaredmy DS will become a man like him.
I'm scared to do this alone.