Here I am again

[Stillaweakfool]

I'm an idiot.
I've been here before.
I've told my story, had the advice and yet just carried on cos I'm too weak too pathetic. I'm too scared.

I have 2dc, 2.5 and 6months.
I've been married 2yrs. Together 4.
He has screamed at me several times today.
Just now so loud and angrily it woke the baby from a different room.
Today's fight was because I continued doing the washing up when he said would do it. But he didn't do it, and I needed it done so I could start cooking. When he saw me doing it he got the hump and started a row. Which was apparently started by me.
He has screamed at me that I'm a bully and a nagging dog.
He pressured me into circumcising my DS and then has refused to do any of the aftercare. He has not changed a single nappy in over a week. Today he gave me a lie in and said he would do breakfasts. Apparently this didn't include DS who was crying so much when I got up. I breastfed and he fell asleep. H hadn't made him any porridge. How hard is it? Mix milk with the powder, spoon into mouth..... That's cruel.

I don't nag. I wouldn't dare. He would get moody and that's not worth it.

His family live in another country. He has only seen them once in the last 10 yrs. his choice. His sister lives here though. Same city as us. He doesn't see her cos he dislikes her husband.
He screamed at me that I've stopped him seeing his family. It's my fault.
He is lazy with friends. It's like he can't be bothered really, or they are a source of annoyance when they want anything - even if it's a dinner invitation. It's as if he doesn't want to go. It's a chore for him.
He doesn't want to know my family. Isn't interested in coming to family stuff at all.
He screamed at me that I'm trying to stop him seeing his only friend he has left (they were supposed to come for dinner today but after the washing up row he saw me crying, flipped out and cancelled them coming)

He is always - and I do mean every single day - late to work. He has a 0 hour contract and actually that suits his boss ok but he complains about it. He moans about money but he just can't seem to get up, dress and go to work.
He's trying to break into a new career but isn't really trying. He's found one agency who throw occasional work his way.
He is tired. Always. Was before we had kids. Is even more tired now.

He says he is interested in travel and culture and sight seeing or days out etc but whenever I mention anything it's either 'lets just relax' or 'I'm tired' or 'we need to save money' and then cue him buying something he wants but doesn't need

Now I'm tired. I'm tired of the name calling. Tired of the shouting. Tired of it being my fault. Tired of making excuses. Tired of never getting any apologies. Tired of being meaningless. Tired of putting in 2 people's worth of effort and getting nothing in return.
Tired of wanting him to change. Tired of knowing he won't.

But mostly I'm tired of how meaningless I have become. To myself.
How did this happen? I have degraded myself. Hugely. I have lied to friends and family about things cos I'm ashamed and embarrassed.
He's 'such a nice guy' - not he's not. He's a fucking arsehole.

I'm scared my dd will choose a man like him.
I'm scaredmy DS will become a man like him.

I'm scared to do this alone.

Then call 101 OP. Ask their advice on where you stand with having him removed from the home. Or if possible stay with your mum over night and look at the options tomorrow.

I think he is calling your bluff, trying to regain control of the situation.
I think you should stand your ground, call the police and ask them if they can make him go.
But be safe, lock all doors from the inside.

He saying he will leave the country is probably him trying to make you doubt your actions. He probably won't go, but if he does? Good. He still has to pay maintenance.

Do you need the car? If that is the case don't sell unless you have to as part of the divorce settlement.
If not - put an ad on it tomorrow, call his bluff again.

You are NOT a terrible mother, you believed in marriage and wanted to make the family work. But now you know you can't you are taking steps.
I think that makes you an excellent mother.

Happy mother's day! Good for you!

I would be very worried about my children's safety with a man like this.
If he ever did the worst, and take the children to Algeria, the chances of you seeing them again are next to nothing.
You, and some others will say that I'm over reacting and putting the fear of God in you. I'm not over reacting. But I am trying to make you realise what a dangerous situation this could be.

fingeronthebutton that is my fear.
I have their passports but I know he could quite easily get hold of fakes or do something. Or if he gets an order allowing him to take them to see his family there. What if he just disappears and I never see them again?
I am so scared of this!

If you have good reason to think he will take your children away, then do not allow unsupervised access and go for residency in court as a matter of urgency.
Get legal now.

Don't panic, he will need time to organize a kidnapping. make sure the passports are left at you mother's. or another really safe place. (he might come to the house when you are out & gut the place to get them) same for car documents, or bank/savings.....ask the police, ask a solicitor, ask Womens Aid.
there must be somewhere you can alert a possible kidnap of UK children.

Has he left Still? Don't give him anything car or money wise. If it helps I think you are bloody awesome. Terrified as you are, you have made your stand. I salute you!

He said he wouldn't leave. So I stayed at my mums house. I just didn't have the energy to go there and fight and I didn't want dd seeing the police or anything.

I have dropped dd off at nursery and he has gone to work. I told him not to come back here tonight and that I would double bolt the door after I collect dd. And if he starts banging I will call the police.

He just went on about money again. How he needs his share of the car so he can go to Algeria. He sent me screen shots of his saving account which show that he lent all his money to a friend a month ago and he doesn't have any and that is why he wants his money so desperately. He keeps telling me I can borrow the money and then when I sell the car I can pay it back. I said I won't be forced into debt. Especially when we have no idea how much the car will sell for so what if I give him too much?

I know 'if' he does disappear into Algeria I'll not get any maintenance.
Only saying that in response to an earlier post where someone says he has to pay anyway. I'd never be able to find him and I'm not sure the system reaches that far. With transfer fees etc it wouldn't be worth it anyway. The money isn't a major worry.
Sure it's gonna be tough. All luxuries will go out the window maybe I'll finally lose the baby weight! and it will be a struggle sometimes but I'm good with money so I'll make it work.

I'm so exhausted and so resentful now. I'm sad that when dd gets home later she will simply scream and shout that he wants him.

I'm fucking angry that I'm gonna have to be the one to clean up the shit. For years. The emotional fall out.
I know that in time I will be their everything and I know it's not even an uncommon thing anymore but it's not what I expected and I think he's a fucking wankstain for all of this. She's going to ask questions and I don't know what to answer.
I've always been so straight forward and literal with her and she knows when I'm trying to fob her off with a non answer.

The only response you need is that I is not your problem he lend all his money to a friend and as he is considering going to Algeria you will keep the car in lieu of maintenance payments.

I'd pay to get rid of him.
But, you could tell him that you only give him any money if he does leave home first.
Put it back to him that you can give up on your tenancy and he will be forced out anyway, or have to pay the full rent and costs.

He lent HIS money to someone without telling you ????
actually you are married, it is your family money, so he can go & call in his loan to the person concerned.
He can also go & sleep on the sofa of the same person.
Make sure you lock the door & leave the key in the lock so he cannot open the door.
Please don't worry about your daughter, she will not be as bad as you fear, you tell her the gentle truth, that daddy isn't going to live with you any more, he still loves her.
Please call the police & tell them you are worried he will quit the country with your kids. It fear may be a very real possibility.

Please make sure he cannot gain entry tonight and that you have phones handy to call police if he kicks off.

Don't be swayed - keep saying NO to any money at all for anything. Why should you sell the car, that you presumably need? Cars can't be sold just like that anyway. A dealer will give you rock bottom rip-off price and selling via paper is an epic adventure! He wants cash now, right? It's HIS problem. He has family. Maybe he could try being polite to them for once and they might help him out?

He is a vile specimen but you are brave and awesome! No contest!

It may be the case that he has simply removed the money from your reach and is actually hugging it greedily in his own mitts.

agreed tipsy, does the screen shot have a date of movement of funds ? & to where ? or does it just show account empty ?
he has to call in the loan if he is desperate for money. You can sell the car when & if you are ready, in the mean time, you will need money to pay the rent & keep a roof over his children's heads now & when he has left the country.

The children need the car and the children need a roof.
He should provide/enable them to both.

The screen shot does clearly show dates and who received it.

He sees that if I borrow the money from, say my dad, then he can take his cash and leave and I can pay my dad back when I decide to sell. Therefore giving me the time to find a new car and organise it all.
I told him to fuck off to that side of fuck and when he gets there, fuck off some more jog on. I don't gove a shit where he goes or how skint he is in not borrowing any money.

We would put 50/50 into a pot for the household bills food etc and then the rest of our individual income was ours to do as we pleased with.
I actually have reasonable savings, he spends money like its is about to go out of fashion!

He can't go stay at the same friends place as friend lives in a studio with pregnant wife. Wildly inappropriate.
i said 'not my problem' and will repeat like broken record.

I'm assuming the car is in your name? Why does he think he owns half of it?

Text that we buy any car number or use their site, get a quote on how much the car would be worth, and just give him half now to fuck off? If you think he would actually go.

If you think he'll still hang around like a fart in a lift anyway, then tell him to fuck the fuck off, he's getting nowt.

We both have issues surrounding money. Stems from past relationships.
Plus I can't bear the way he ploughs through money and we agreed at the start that we would pay half of everything and otherwise keep money separate. This has worked, for the most part.
Just means he does feel he bought half the car so he wants half of the money back.
Anyway, he's been told he's not getting it so that's that.

He hasn't come home today. Yet.

Soooo Still when do you choose a new name for MN because I'm not seeing anything weak or foolish about you? And we ALL get scared. It's ok to be scared sometimes. Keep visualising the future without him in it and those vibes will spread out around you like a bubble of growling destiny - or some such frivolity that might actually help keep spirits up.

It's possible he has a friend who is sheltering his dosh but no matter. Even if you paid him off in any way it's possible he'd hang around for more. Broken record technique is absolutely spot on!

SO, you will NOT be letting him take the kids to Algeria for a holiday, & visit his parents ........& that is a definite...

I have given their passports to my mum for safe keeping.
And spent much of the day organising hiding important docs and bank stuff.

He hasn't come back. I have had some rather abusive messages.
My dd went to bed like a little angel. I'm so proud of her. She asked 'will daddy come kiss me when he gets in from work?' So I said no daddy isn't come back tonight but he will visit you soon '
She was a bit upset. She's only 2.5. She's the sweetest little thing you could ever have hoped for.
She asked if he will be here to make breakfast. We had a chat about it all and she didn't cry but she didn't look convinced. She went to sleep though.
See what tomorrow brings I guess.

I feel like I've failed them cos I let it go on this long. The things she saw. I knocked her over in the fighting.
I knocked my own child to the floor because I was too consumed fighting with that dickhead

She will remember won't she

You can't erase what's already happened, but you can be strong for them going forward. You are giving your DD, in particular, the message that it's not okay to abuse and bully people and that you don't have to put up with such behaviour.

Save all those texts. Don't reply, but don't erase them. They'll be further support, if any were needed, assuming you're going for "unreasonable behaviour" as the fault for divorce.

You are doing really well. You've got their passports to safekeeping, which is great. Excellent news that all finances are separate. Keep that door locked, and keep your chin up.

Change your username to something that reflects your strength.

I think you might be pleasantly surprised at what/how DD remembers you in these times. Even a few days on she will recall the love and compassion in your voice, the feel of your hug and reassurance while you told her the truth, so very gently ...

You were frightened by OH, you stepped back & she fell, she was not injured, it was an accident. No she is 2.5 yrs old, she will remember nothing.
Guilt trippong is not going to help, keep your strength for getting away from him & looking out for their future.
You need to report to the police domestic abuse section, you need to alert your fear of him & ask them where you alert possible abduction. all this will be important.