Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

strange situation

39 replies

ohjo · 14/03/2015 22:52

2 years ago fellow mumsnetters warned me gently that DH was having an affair. I really believed he wasn't (even though we had not had sex for years) until last year when you were proved right. Since then we have lost our business as well. I have recovered now from the whole ordeal. We are friends. He has been so worried about money that he has given us no time. We can't afford to live separately. I am still living with him, i love the life i have built here. Its not my country, my family are across the sea. But i love our family life. I can't decide whether to carry on here, i am afraid of the massive upheaval of moving country again and the kids. I have moved country several times for my DH. He says he will not sleep with me again. But can a marriage survive without sex for the sake of the kids and lifestyle? If i move country they will not see their father very often. I feel scared of not liking the other side if we separate, and of the hard reality of being divorced. I have slept with an old boyfriend in my country a few times recently, he is divorced. Am i right or chicken or is the solution obvious? I'm going round in circles! thank you xxx

OP posts:

currentnameinuse · 14/03/2015 22:54

don't stay in an unsatisfactory marriage for the children or his money. Don't go back to an ex as your escape route either.

tribpot · 14/03/2015 22:58

But the marriage hasn't survived, has it? You are effectively separated but in the same house. So you think you are doing this for the kids and the lifestyle but I think you are probably doing more damage than you realise. Any number of people on MN have parents who stayed together for similar reasons and the kids always knew. Always. Particularly now you've both had relationships outside the marriage.

It sounds like you want to stay in your current country, is that dependent on remaining married to your DH? If not, I would start to make plans for a separate life in the current country.

Original poster

ohjo · 14/03/2015 23:01

Thank you, this is all good advice, and helping to clear my head. I was going to counselling last year but now can't afford it! The problem is that if he gave me any indication that he loves me i would be in his arms in a flash. But living in hope isn't good.

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 15/03/2015 02:46

He says he will not sleep with me again.

There you have it in a nutshell. Your husband has signalled that he doesn't want to continue in your marriage. He actually checked out of it when he had an affair. But you are also having an affair with a 'previous boyfriend' so I don't see how you can say, But i love our family life. There is no family life when you are each being deceitful and lying to one another.

Unless you both feel that you could co-parent under the same roof and have an open relationship, then you need practical advice on how to get you and the children into a new home/country.

Can you indicate your current country of residence, and which country you would like to build your new life in? How old are the children? (Mumsnet is multi-national so someone will be able to advise you.)

Are you hoping to build a new life with your previous boyfriend [the one you are having an affair with]?

Original poster

ohjo · 15/03/2015 20:54

Hello, thank you, the country is Ireland. The ex boyfriend is someone i grew up with and we have had the odd fling over the last year. We both really needed each other during our equally rough marital times. What i am afraid of is whether i can have the same lifestyle there as here. Odd i know, but i have worked so hard here to find job, friends etc for the DH that now its all great, except the marriage, and lack of husband and my family! If i thought the ex boyf and i would work it would help my decision. However finding time to try us out or spend time together is difficult to co-ordinate being in different countries. Husband worked abroad for years so i was left to make a life here. I was totally faithful in spite of zero sex for 4 years. Stupid, i now realise, but i loved and trusted him. I know i should get out, but am scared of being on my own financially and having to move out of our lovely home. Its the whole upheaval and effort, i have done it so many times already, every year for 10 years, 5 different countries! I suppose one more move won't kill me! We have been in this home for 4 years. The children are 9 and 11, very happy and stable in spite of the parents. We try and keep it on an even keel for them. DH is a little bit screwed in the head over the loss of the business. He swears he has given up the other woman (of 2-3years) but i don''t believe him. I fear he is dangling me along in false hope. But how do i muster the strength for the next move?

OP posts:

tribpot · 15/03/2015 21:14

Do you have your own right to reside in the country or is it tied to your marriage?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2015 21:24

I suspect your children are not fooled in the slightest. It's a kind of arrogance on the part of adults that, provided they put on big smiles and act like everything is OK when the children are watching, they won't know anything's amiss. Children see, hear and intuit. If they're bright kids they'll fill gaps in their understanding by making things up to fit ... that's where it gets damaging. Whatever you decide, please be more honest with yourselves, each other and with your DCs.

Original poster

ohjo · 15/03/2015 22:11

DH is being very decent about the whole thing, he knows he has broken my heart and screwed up big time. He says he will support any decision i make, moving to my home country or staying here. Its up to me to decide. Neither of us really want to divorce but we have discussed it and agreed to it a few months ago, but due to finances have stayed under one roof, just trundling on as usual, on good terms, family meals, domestic ease, separate rooms and lives. At present he is away on business, in the city where the OW lives. He swears he is not with her but staying with a friend! Sadly i don't believe him anymore!

OP posts:

MelonBallersAreStrange · 15/03/2015 22:27

How bad are the finances in reality? If life is domestic ease then that sounds like you are not exactly saving like mad to get your own place.

Neither of us really want to divorce
I bet he doesn't want to divorce: OW for the hot sex and fun times, you for cooking, taking care of the DC, looking respectable and washing his pants. He doesn't even have to cover it up much any more, he's off fucking her now, and you are on here saying DH is being very decent about the whole thing WTF?!

Why don't you want to divorce? I'm not seeing any benefits for you here based on what you've said.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 15/03/2015 22:32

What do you mean ... He is dangling me along in flash hope....? I think the false hope might be yours and I'm sorry you are in that place, it's painful. You need to find a way to move on for yourself and I don't think sharing a home will be helping you at all... Be gentle on yourself but begin to explore your options- it sounds like you have built a good life and friendships for youse,f that will help you through the rough ride ahead.

Original poster

ohjo · 15/03/2015 22:33

yes you are right, he has it quite easy, my friends/family say i am too kind. He says finances are bad, trying to get a job, keeps me on very tight string….i think i'm terrified of the change, and how to get the balls to go about it. And is it worth it? So much pain already. can i go through more? Its so clear when he is away. When he is here, i still love him and want us to be married happily, but my BF says he moved on years ago.

OP posts:

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 15/03/2015 22:33

False not flash

AnyFucker · 15/03/2015 22:34

Are you providing domestic services for this adulterer ?

Please tell me you are not

Original poster

ohjo · 15/03/2015 22:41

I can't save as daily life eats into anything i put aside. We rent a property due to living abroad for 7 years, so we own nothing. Borrowed up to the hilt to survive the last few months of zero income.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohjo · 15/03/2015 22:45

I am trying to maintain as normal a life for the children as possible. SO yes when he is here i do all the cooking, and domestic chores, as that has been the shape of our marriage. He earned, i raised kids and followed him around the globe! Since discovering his affair i have almost qualified as a type of teacher and hope to earn something soon. My job has been voluntary until now. DH has had no where to go since losing everything, so i'm trying to be decent about it all until he gets some income again.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2015 22:47

Do you work?

Original poster

ohjo · 15/03/2015 22:51

Career - no. I always picked up odd jobs wherever we were such as teaching english, or piano, now i'm volunteering in schools and have been offered a part time job after easter. I'm thrilled as for the first time ever i feel i may be able to begin a career. Before marriage i had some good jobs but never settled into a career….

OP posts:

Jaded2004 · 15/03/2015 22:57

I think you still have hope. My advice is to take a deep breath and start to make plans to separate. You are only going to be hurt more if you stay. I'm not saying you won't hurt if you go but it's like ripping off a plaster. Your h has signed out of his relationship as in marriage and he has no intention of getting things going again from what you have said. Whatever decision you make it shouldn't be based on wether or not your ex and you re-kindle it should be a move that enables you to have time to grieve and get your house in order independently

Original poster

ohjo · 15/03/2015 23:01

Thank you for your responses. It is so unbelievably good to have some external advice. I feel i can't weigh down my dear family or close friends anymore with my problems, i know its up to me to decide. Maybe i'm looking too deeply into it all. It helps hugely discussing it here.

OP posts:

Patonthehead · 15/03/2015 23:03

Ohjo, did you marry in Ireland? Are you aware that you must be separated (living apart) for three out of the last five years before you can begin divorce proceedings? If you are not sure of your rights and legal position, can I suggest you google your local Citizens Information Centre and make an appointment (free) with one of their advisors so that you know where you stand. It is not clear whether, finances permitting, you would choose to stay or go.

Original poster

ohjo · 15/03/2015 23:09

Thanks, yes We married in Ireland. I think that law applies only in Ireland? Will have to check if its here too. The decision of which country to live in is what is confusing me so much at the moment! Family, roots, old friends including exboyfriend, kids not seeing DH very often, versus lifestyle here, job prospects and settled kids ….how does one decide

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 00:59

The one thing I would not be able to countenance is being a virtual housekeeper and domestic appliance for some bloke who was having sex with other women

where is your pride ?

PastPerfect · 16/03/2015 06:56

He's "on business" but doesn't have a job or is not earning any money? What are you getting out if this?

He is so clearly lying to you.

kittensinmydinner · 16/03/2015 09:06

I do understand your situation perfectly. I was in a similar marriage for years before meeting the current DH . It actually suited me, We had three young children and they and a full time job kept me so busy that the lack of romance/adult relationship was a very low priority compared to destabilising the Dcs and upsetting everyone. It was especially easy to cope with because ex dh had multiple affairs and I really didn't want sex, pretty much from after first baby. ..not sure which came first really but it didn't make much difference..we just ended up like brother and sister, (the exact relationship we still have, which makes for easy coparenting) living in same house, domestic ease as you put it..really it was fine and we were all pretty happy. BUT I met DH and realised what I was missing...and it really is quite an important part of being a human, that close intimate relationship with another . So I made the jump, it was a long long time ago now and one of the problems was that The children really didn't understand because daddy and I never argued and got on - get on really well.. They simply didn't see it coming. I think now they are adults and look back they are just beginning to work it out.All this is a very long ramble and reminisce to get to the point...I would say, go back to Ireland, it may or may not work, but to stay where you are is sleepwalking through life and everyone deserves love and affection and because you are in a slightly different situation where your DH is refusing sex with you, your self esteem and self worth will be in your boots, time for you to put you at the forefront of your life and 'seize the day' ,

AgathaF · 16/03/2015 09:41

DH is being very decent about the whole thing, he knows he has broken my heart and screwed up big time - is he? Sounds like he's very much having his cake and eating it.

He says finances are bad, trying to get a job, keeps me on very tight string - what do you know first hand about your finances? Are you taking his word for it that they are so bad? He seems to have no problem affording to maintain a relationship with his OW, yet you are suffering financially. Are you taking what he says at face value, and if so why? You are married, your finances are your joint domain, not just his to dictate on the state of, or to decide to "keep you on a tight rein".

How old are your children? I doubt very much that they are unaware that their home and family life is dysfunctional. But even if they are unaware, that is in some ways worse, because that would suggest that they are growing up seeing the way you live as the blueprint for what an adult relationship is like. Which means there is a good chance that they will then copy this example in their own adult relationships. I'm sure that is not what you would want for them. Far better if you and your H officially separate and both rebuild your own lives independently, for your own good and to show your children that what you have currently is neither normal nor acceptable.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread