strange situation

[ohjo]

2 years ago fellow mumsnetters warned me gently that DH was having an affair. I really believed he wasn't (even though we had not had sex for years) until last year when you were proved right. Since then we have lost our business as well. I have recovered now from the whole ordeal. We are friends. He has been so worried about money that he has given us no time. We can't afford to live separately. I am still living with him, i love the life i have built here. Its not my country, my family are across the sea. But i love our family life. I can't decide whether to carry on here, i am afraid of the massive upheaval of moving country again and the kids. I have moved country several times for my DH. He says he will not sleep with me again. But can a marriage survive without sex for the sake of the kids and lifestyle? If i move country they will not see their father very often. I feel scared of not liking the other side if we separate, and of the hard reality of being divorced. I have slept with an old boyfriend in my country a few times recently, he is divorced. Am i right or chicken or is the solution obvious? I'm going round in circles! thank you xxx

If you like the life you have built in Ireland, there's no reason to relocate.
But you do have to accept that your marriage is over.

Ohjo, I am confused by your post of 23.09 last night: where is 'here'? My first reading of your earlier posts was that you married an Irish man, in Ireland, and currently live in Ireland, but that you are from somewhere else.

Dear Kitten, yes thank you, your previous situation sounds very similar to mine now. We are friends but don't trust one another, but it is easy for co-parenting. I have got used to the no sex/affection factor and plough on with my own life with the kids. My qualification has kept me going and my mind occupied. But i know deep down the situation is not right. Your post hits the nail on the head! Its so easy when he is away to be clear, but then when he is back and we are family again, i get hopeful and muddled. Mumsnet really helps, thank you all.

Dear Patonthehead, Married in Ireland to an english man. Now living in UK having lived abroad for many years supporting him in setting up a business and having children. Family all in Ireland. Exboyf there. Built up a good life here over the last 4 years. Very rural area so likelihood of meeting someone else is pretty low i think….one never knows though!

Dear AgathaF, since i went through his bank statements last year and discovered he had spent a fortune on lingerie etc, he has hidden all statements or is getting paper ones. I have to take his word for it, he says he has borrowed off his Dad. He is difficult to deal with as he can't talk he is so destroyed about the business which we gave 10 years of our life to….i do realise there is more to life than that, but he is taking a long time to get over it, emotionally.

He's been gone for 2 weeks now, its given me space to think. Thank you.
I will ask him to move out. He will take it very badly. I will go home for the summer to Ireland with the kids and get a feel for it there again. Does this sound like a plan?!

I think you need to sit down with some paper and write out your options and fors and against each one.

You have three options as I see it - stay with him in UK, stay in Uk but leave him, leave him and move back to Ireland.

It really sounds like the marriage is over so I think it is really only the last two options really.

Thank you, that's the crunch question now. I am considering returning to Ireland for the summer to test it all out. Not sure if its realistic, but i have a very supportive family there. The kids will have a ball. It will give me time to spend with the ex boyfriend as well, see whether we get on still. Although i would not move anywhere anymore for a man!

Your financial situation sounds perilous. You don't know what the situation is because he hides it from you, yet it is joint money not just his to hide. For all you know he could be getting you jointly into very deep into debt. Are your accounts in his name only, or aer they in joint or some in yours?

For the financial abuse alone, I would suggest that the sooner you legally separate/divorce and legally separate your finances to protect your own financial interests the better. He is clearly not to be trusted in the department of your lives either. I suggest that you get some legal advice over this matter - perhaps start with CAB and see what they suggest. Is your house owned by you two - if so is your name on the mortgage and can you check he has not re-mortgaged to free up money?

Further upthread you said he is being decent and would support whatever decision you make, yet then you said I will ask him to move out. He will take it very badly. He seems to be onto a very good thing - you being compliant with being kept short of money, raising the children, maintaining the home, whilst he swans around doing as he pleases (and probably spending as he pleases too). I suspect though, that as soon as you rock is comfortable little boat, you will see a different side to him.

So, as you make plans to separate, take the time to get copies of any and all important documents that you may need - any bank statements showing account numbers etc, any shares certificates, pension stuff, mortgage info, credit card details etc. Keep your plans to yourself until you have got this done and got yourself some legal advice as to how to proceed given your hidden finances etc.

Thanks AgathaF, our situation is that we don't own anything. We rent the house, in both our names. Legally he is entitled to stay in this house. He is up to his eyeballs in debt. I am scraping by with what he gives me. Bank accounts are separate. We have no pension as the business was going to be that, no shares, overdrawn on credit cards.

You need clarification on what your responsibility is (if any) on the debts he has. Do you have an account in your name? You will need to make enquiries on what you may be entitled to claim if/when you separate, so you will need an account for that.

If your family is in Ireland then it sounds like it might be a good idea to go back there for the support they can offer you. Will your qualification be recognised there and do you think you will be able to get work? Are you thinking of going back for the summer and then staying there at the end of it if it suits you all?

His debt is all in his name. My accounts are in control and in my name. There are just some household bills that we share payment on, which are mostly paid up. At the moment he has nothing if we were to separate, so i am slightly biding my time, letting him get a job, and sorting my head out to try and accept its over. If the summer goes well, it would help decisions. I would return here to UK for one more school year, gain experience in the teaching at the school, then move across. The qualification would transfer although it is pretty unheard of in Ireland. I know it would go well though. That is a sort of vague plan that is coming to mind as i talk to you all on mumsnet.

It's really good that you have a plan coming together. Hopefully, the year that you might still stay in the UK after your visit home this summer would be living separate from him? Good idea to get some experience in the UK whilst you can.

Yes that's a point, i am hoping he will do the decent thing when i ask him to move out that he will, once we have enough money to rent 2 places. It all sounds a bit mad writing about it to have got into this situation. Can't believe its happening to me. That's the hardest part. I am a marriage for life person, through thick or thin, but even i have had enough.Thanks for your thoughts.

Kittensinmydinner , if you see this, would you mind if i asked how long you were living with your ex-husband for as brother and sister, and how old the kids were when you broke up? Mine are 9 and 11. We haven't had sex or any intimacy for many years - his withdrawal. But lifestyle and everything else is fine……its quite a big leap into the unknown if i haven't met anyone else! I do have a vague plan for a leap, somehow i have to muster the energy and strength…...