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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

For those who's mothers contradict every word in every mothers day card.

38 replies

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 18:47

My dear mum. The one who gave me an amazing childhood yet turned on me as soon as I developed my own mind & personality. The one who couldnt even grant me with eye contact, never mind a compliment or a word of encouragement or praise. The one who told me she hoped I never could have children. The one who crushed any scrap of self esteem or self worth I had. The one who's completely screwed my head, heart and soul up. Yet I still love you with all my heart and would give anything to speak to you even though to break contact with you was self preservation. Happy mothers day mum.

OP posts:
SantasFavouriteHo · 14/03/2015 19:26

Mummy I'm so sorry, it's utterly shite isn't it? Mothers Day rammed down our throats when they're the last thing I need to think about (self-preservation) and yet despite knowing that they'll never change and that given any opportunity will hurt you, I'd give anything to speak tomorrow...
Take care of yourself Thanks

Undecidedhousemove · 14/03/2015 20:09

Buy a blank one and send it if you can think of one true thing to be thankful for. My mum was quite loving i think when i was younger before i developed into a no more than normally challenging teen and an adult with her own mind. I sent her one saying i remembered a nice memory from when i was little, thank you and have a nice day. Felt authnetc for me and kind enough to her. The token at least wasnt a lie

VivaLeBeaver · 14/03/2015 20:12

I know exactly where you're coming from. I pick up card after card and put them back thinking I can't give that as its total bullshit. Managed to find one this year which says something like "hope you have a nice day".

Crap isn't it?

Mistlewoeandwhine · 14/03/2015 20:17

You all have my sympathy. I am NC with both my parents so no longer send cards etc which is a big relief. I too remember the difficulty of finding one that wasn't full of 'mum you mean the world to me' etc I do remember once sending my father a father's day card which was 'Dad, I always know where to find you when I need you...in the pub' which was pleasingly close to the truth (and annoyed him quite a bit haha) Anyway, good luck everyone. It's only one day.

Balders74 · 14/03/2015 21:57

I have this issue as well. I stand for ages looking at all the 'Best Mum in the world' cards & they just don't apply. I have a strange relationship with my Mum due to many unresolved issues from my childhood, mainly why she stayed with my violent step-father.

So whilst we get on well when we see each other, which is usually 4-5 times a year, I can't be a hypocrite with the card.

pukkapine · 14/03/2015 22:04

Horrid isn't it?

I have the same... every year I have the blues building over finding a sodding card... and every year it gets harder because not only am I trying to avoid any that say lovely things, I'm trying to find one that doesn't say 'Mum' as I'm not allowed to call her that Confused

I hate it. My wonderful DH ended up getting me one to send this year... but that was after a week of me worrying about it.

And then I have the worry that I really should call her tomorrow... but don't want to, and certainly not on a day where I'd rather be focusing on my own family... who seem to have no problem doing heartfelt things.

Every year, same story...

123upthere · 14/03/2015 22:05

Marking place OP glad you started this thread I felt I needed to read one like this

mentaldental22 · 14/03/2015 22:06

I managed to find a card with the wording 'what did I do to deserve a mother like you'. Says it all for me really. Ive no idea what I did to deserve her controlling, nasty, self esteem draining miserable excuse of motherhood. It's probably because I was a mistake.

Mintyy · 14/03/2015 22:07

There are Mothers Day cards with very pared down and neutral messages if you look. I've always managed to find one for the last 40 or so years! I got one in M & S yesterday, all it said inside was "Happy Mother's Day".

MummyBtothree · 14/03/2015 22:34

Ive got nothing to thank her for, for the last year. Theres more to being a mum than giving birth.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 14/03/2015 22:51

Mummy Flowers
She doesn't sound very loveable, and going NC was probably the only choice you had. I'm glad she gave you an amazing childhood. Every child deserves that, far too many don't get it, but I can sense that in some ways it makes it harder to bear.
It takes a lot to accept that she is the best mother she can be, whilst acknowledging that it's never going to be enough.

I've emotionally distanced myself from mine but she's too self absorbed to notice. Fortunately we've all inherited her dry sense of humour so my card said something like '...congratulations on giving birth to a legend!'

Dsis found her one that was along the lines of 'Sorry I won't see you on MD...
... But I'm up to date with the washing and ok for cash'

We both compare notes this morning on sifting through the 'best mum ever'- nope, and 'always been there for me' -nope again.

I'm thankful that I cannot begin to imagine my DCs ever feeling that way about me.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mums here Flowers

bluecheque4595 · 14/03/2015 23:02

Great thread.

I don't send a card and have resolved to stay off Facebook, although I already got some one I don't know exhorting me to have a great mothers day and asking me to send her greetings back. I feel a git if I reply, to this onslaught of saccharine bullsh t I don't subscribe to or agree with.

Church is also really bad for this. You want to cry over your useless relationship with your mum and all around you people are acting like you are selfish for not wanting to take part in festivities " for your own kids sake", well my kids know I love them and we all show it all year round, I dont need a Hallmark holiday to get my kids to make me a cup of tea. They do it all the time. Being told you are selfish not to be joining in with festivities when you already feel like shit is why I have avoided Mothers Day at church for the last eleven years.

Targeted emails too! I have had so much junk email reminding me to Skype my mum or to send her flowers etc. I feel like going argh and hiding from technology.

ColouringInQueen · 14/03/2015 23:10

Thanks for this thread. I was really strugging to find a card for my mum earlier this week. Best mum in the world. To my amazing mum. No. Etc. My mum did a good job given her awful childhood. But now i feel she sucks the life from me and is just hard-wired to be negative about everything. I pray my dcs never feel like this.

boxoftissues · 14/03/2015 23:12

I won't or just can't send a card to mine. It would be totally fake. She was a worse than terrible mother. Not abusive but completely neglectful and just never once there when I needed her. So I don't send a card or make a phone call. I have no idea what she makes of it as she never says anything.

nooyearnooname · 14/03/2015 23:30

My card said something like "hope you have a lovely day like you deserve". Not untrue, but not true in the way she might want it to be.......

allears589 · 14/03/2015 23:40

Having been NC since December, I'm glad to be able to not go through the Mother's Day bollocks trying to get her approval and a glimps of love and acceptance from her by trying to out-do my siblings with a thoughtful gift.

The last 3 months have been lovely!

While out shopping the other day, DS (7) while admiring the Mothers Day gifts exclaiming "loveliest mum", "greatest mum" etc announced that he couldn't get any of those for me.... Because none of them were good enough!! Apparently I'm far too awesome and he loves me far too much! I hope this bond never disappears.

Happy Mothers Day for tomorrow!

FantasticButtocks · 14/03/2015 23:56

I don't send a card to mine Sad BUT I am so incredibly touched that my two adult DDs (early 20s) have sent me such loving wonderful messages (got here early in both cases with pressies they'd ordered) I feel so delighted to have loving, accepting, honest, healthy decent friendly relationships with both of them. After the mothering I had, this feels like a miracle! Smile

Maki79 · 14/03/2015 23:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the posters request.

Oldandfallingtobits · 15/03/2015 00:16

To my mother.

You love the fact I give you thoughtful gifts, you boast to your friends in your assisted living facilities that I buy you flowers most weeks, that either myself or my children come over every couple of days, that I organise your finances, look after you so well.

They don't know that I disliked you most of my life, that you once told me you regretted having children, we ruined your life, how you laughed any time anything bad happened in my life, you actively tried to stop anything that improved my life, refused to help when I was a single parent, you were jealous that I had escaped an abusive relationship.

With age, in my 40's, I realised you were trapped in your life. You wanted to travel, to be free, your mother, my grandmother, was horrible to you, but she loved me, you have lived your life full of regrets, you are old, you wish your life was different, and I understand, I am kind to you, as I know you made me stronger, I appreciate every part of my life, I regret nothing, because you have made me appreciate how much our one life we are given means, I have passed that to my children, ONE LIFE, I enjoy it. I will never be the person filled with hatred or regrets.

I will take you out, I will buy you lovely flowers, and I do love you now, I appreciate you, I know you never will appreciate me or my sisters, but your neglect, lack of caring and determination that I could not better myself had the opposite effect, I am successful, my children are happy adults, I have a lovely partner. My card thanks you, as does my flowers, my present and me taking you out for a lovely day, all of which you will tell your friends it is because you were a loving mother, and you believe that. Xx

My kids don't do mothers day, my son tidied my downstairs this morning, walked my dogs and visited my mum, my daughter is coming up to go for a nice lunch and do a rubbish dump run with stuff in the garage tomorrow, no cards, that's good enough for me.

HellKitty · 15/03/2015 00:21

I sent flowers with the message 'to grandma from x y and z (DCs names!) then me and the DP tagged on. I can't buy a card. Smacks of hypocrisy.

On the flip side mil came over today and she is an amazing woman. DP gave her a card from both of us, some perfume and I gave her a bottle of champagne. She cried, she's never had champagne in her life :(

MummyBtothree · 15/03/2015 00:25

I broke contact with her from my kids also. How many grandmas make their grandkids homeless and try to turn them against their mother. Toxic

OP posts:
WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 15/03/2015 00:34

Dear Mum, thanks for not giving a shit about me or my kids, for not replying to messages, forgetting kids birthdays and generally doing nothing that didn't benefit you

Haven't seen any cards suitable, so won't be sending one. Still debating a polite text message

akaWisey · 15/03/2015 07:58

Thankfully I don't have the dreaded mother's day card problem any more as she died 3 years ago but I used to feel like a liar if I bought my mother a card. In the years when she used to cut me out of her life for reasons I could never figure out it was a blessed relief that I didn't have to pretend.

I had the loneliest, saddest abusive childhood thanks to her and it's NO thanks to her that my kids think I'm a brilliant mum and new grandmother.
I don't miss her. At all.

Staywithme · 15/03/2015 08:23

I've been NC for over 20 years as you ignored the abuse that was happening to your kids. You blamed me when I was assaulted as a child. "Trouble follows you around" I didn't think anything could hurt me more than the years of abuse I suffered, but those words will haunt me to my grave. You still don't acknowledge that we suffered, even though five out of the six of us ended up in psychiatric hospital and two of your precious sons went on to abuse. Of course you won't believe that because your sons can do no wrong.

I met a wonderful man, after all the scumbags, and have known love all through my marriage, even though I tried to push him into hitting me in the early days. I believed it wasn't a matter of IF he'd hit me but WHEN. He never did and made me feel worth loving.

My precious husband is now dying in the hospice at the age of 54 while that piece of shit, I'm supposed to love, boak, because he's my father goes on to destroy the lives of other children. But don't you worry. You just keep looking away, because to acknowledge what he's doing would mean you'd lose your lifestyle and I know where your priorities lie. Fuck you!

AccordingtoSteve · 15/03/2015 08:41

The only thing I have to thank mine for is pretty much staying out of my life in its entirety. For this I think I am a happier and more stable adult, able to raise my two lovely girls to be kind and decent and feel loved unconditionally. One of them has turned into a gorgeous adult with no input from you whatsoever, I'm glad I shielded them both from you.

Any attempts at a relationship I have had with her over the years have bled me dry emotionally. So, yeah thanks "mother dear"