DH's weight/health. Please be gentle!

[CaitSith]

Please forgive me if this is a bit rambling, I don't really know where to start.

DH and I have been together for 9 years, married 4 and have 2 small DC. He was slightly overweight when we met (as was I, I hasten to add) and it has never been an issue for me at all, I've always fancied him, wanted to sleep with him etc.

The last few years though, he has steadily been gaining weight and it's now starting to impact on us so much that I don't know what to do. He hasnt told me how much he weighs now, I'm not sure he even knows himself but I think he must be around the 20 stone mark.

Last year we both joined a gym (I've gained a couple of stone too after 2 pregnancies in quick succession and I thought me going might spur him on too). I go as often as I can, which is usually about once a week, he's been once since Christmas. I try to cook healthily and I'm slowly but steadily losing weight so don't think the diet I provide is the problem either. He just doesn't seem to have any self control when it comes to food. I go to bed quite early and its obvious that when I'm in bed he's eating all sorts, I buy little bags of cookies, little ice creams and yogurts and so on for my toddler and its not unusual for him to have 3 or 4 of these a night, ignore the fruit and low fat yogurts I get for us and leave nothing for my DC by the end of the week. I know when he's at work during the day he has bacon and egg sandwiches for breakfast and drinks sugary coffee all day, and on nights he eats the food I make for him and sometimes a takeaway as well. I'm constantly finding sweet wrappers and crisp packets in the car as well.

Our sex life is all but non existent, not because I don't want to sleep with him, I still do very much but he seems to have gone off sex totally and almost never shows me any affection at all these days.

He has multiple health problems that would also be improved by him losing weight. He's been asthmatic since he was a child and now wheezes almost constantly, he has high blood pressure which he was on medication for but stopped taking it last year (when I ask he doesn't have a reason why) and he's just been told he has high cholesterol to the point the doctor told him he's lucky he's in his 30s and not his 40s as he'd be at high risk of a heart attack. He complains of being tired all the time and last year was diagnosed as being borderline for sleep apnea and given a CPAP machine. He wore it for 2 nights and didn't like it so he took it back. I'm also pretty sure he's addicted to codeine, I've asked him so many times to stop taking it and he says he will then it's only a matter of time before I find a stash of empty packets somewhere. There's also a history of heart problems in his family.

We don't go anywhere, in part I think because he's embarrased by the way he looks. I also take my toddler to swimming lessons, but I'm starting a new job and can't go with him for at least the next month, so now he's not going at all because DH refuses to go in the pool, even with a T shirt on. I'd like to take both my DC swimming, but I can't by myself and he won't come.

I just don't know how to make him care enough to do something about it. We are financially dependant on him and I lay awake at night worrying about what will happen when this eventually kills him and how I'll tell my (potentially still small) children that their father is gone. I adore my husband and still love him as much as ever, he's a good man and a wonderful father but I'm so miserable with things as they are now that I'm starting to feel like getting out now would be a better option than staying and watching him kill himself.

Sorry this is so long, and I don't even know what I want from this really, but I don't have anyone to talk to about it and just wanted to get it out somewhere. Thanks to anyone who managed to get all the way through it.

Sympathies

Not sure what to say really. He needs to want to change

Could you and him go to the doctor and see if getting it straight from a GP would help if the GP were prepared to go through the health issues and suggest a weight loss programme?

He may find Slimming World would work for him as quantity of some food isn't an issue on it.

He needs to want to change but he also needs the tools to action the change. It is all an emotional change.
Have you talked to him ? What does he say about it ? He probably really really wants to change but cannot do it. Is he stressed ?
Your 'helpful ideas ' may just remind him how much he needs To change and make him feel worse as he cant at the moment.
I was morbidly obese. I have been there.

Hi OP,

I suppose the first thing is to say I don't think your DH is in imminent danger of death, so maybe you can put that to one side for a moment. I am sure his extra weight puts big pressure on his heart, joints etc. but maybe this is not the most immediate issue. Other people may correct me on this.

The main thing from me is that I think, though you are concerned for him, is that you have to stand back. On these boards you see thread after thread where people are told they cannot change someone else. You just can't, whether they are abusive or overweight, it is virtually impossible to change someone.

I know this as someone who has had 'weight' issues all her life. I might look back and say that I have also had concurrent 'mother' issues all her life. I was a perfectly normal 10 year old when my mother - who was worried about her own weight - put me on a diet. This made me feel self-concsious, fat (obviously) and generally 'not good enough'. Subsequent over-eating (me, teenager, subverting whatever I thought she was trying to do to me) and diets followed. I have spent my entire adult life obsessing about my weight and not feeling 'good enough'. This plagues me still, even though I understand the psychological dynamics at play here. This is a very simplified version of the story of me and my body, but you get the jist.

It is very hard to undo.

Your DH hates his body. He probably really hates himself at the moment. It is difficult to separate the two since bodies are what we live in.

My one certainty is that if you police him or try to control his food intake, he will find reason to subvert or defy you and you become the hate-figure. 'Counting the biscuits' will be unedifying for both of you, once you become his 'food jailer'. It's incredibly tough, I am sure, because you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. But like an alcoholic, change has to come from him.

I watched a friend of mine get hitched to someone who was mildly overweight when they met. The first time I met him, she removed the little amaretti biscuits that arrived with his capuccino. I was outraged on his behalf. Of course, all my alarm bells rang and I thought 'this is a very bad start'! He went on gaining weight, she went on 'counting the biscuits' and finding hidden empty packets of food stuffed into the back of drawers etc.
He carried on and she became the 'person to be defied'. It did not end well. She made it incredibly and unsubtly clear that he was not acceptable to her. I didn't like her attitude. I'm not saying this is your attitude at all - you sound far more loving and supportive than she was! But there are pitfall you could fall into as well.

My advice would be to pull back from policing his eating. Pull back from all the gentle encouragement, offers to go to the gym.... so he can't even sniff 'food police' in his interactions with you. Continue to go about your business, looking after your body and your child's eating habits as you would normally. Don't bring him into it.

Also, why don't you book a double appointment at your GP's and talk to them about how worried you are about him. Ask what being 20 stone means for his health etc. Tell her/him about the codeine. That sounds bad - is he prescribed that for something? Does he have injuries/pain from something particular? Does that need treatment? Perhaps you will be reassured. Ask for advice about what to do, and tell them you don't want to be in the position of 'bad-cop' in this situation.

Possibly the only thing you can do here is encourage him just to go to his GP.

Sorry about that. Talking from experience, the idea of 'other people' urging me to lose weight - as if I haven't noticed the problem! - is soooooo hard for me to bear. I am happy to talk about it with other people I know are struggling and it is liberating to do that... but if (god forbid) my mother started talking to me about it, I would bring the shutters down in a milisecond!

Hope this helps. Sorry you're struggling. You sound lovely. But it has to come from him.

Sounds like he is in denial and wishing he could hide the truth, not least from himself.

I know how that can feel from his point of view. I am the one struggling with weight issues in our house. I struggled with thyroid issues undiagnosed for years, yo-yo-ing up and down wildly no matter what I did.

Stabilised now, but the treatment made me gain weight which I have been struggling to lose ever since. The scales become your enemy.

He still has to want to do it for himself or he will just secretly gorge on rubbish when he thinks you aren't looking.

I would suggest not stocking up on a weekly supply of cookies and sweet stuff for your toddler. Just buy a few things as and when on a day to day basis when out with toddler, and make clear to all (including toddler if needed) that you know what is there and they are rations for your child.

At least you are then putting less temptation in his way, even though he may well sneak some of his own in anyway. He would have to make the effort to buy them himself, so maybe he would buy less or maybe he would go the other way but worth a try perhaps???

Actually, that is true Poppy.

Best not to count the biscuits. Perhaps just subtly change to buying on an as and when basis for your toddler. If he should ask why then just say that you yourself find it easier to have less temptation in the house on a regular basis (not insinuating any issues for you, btw).

Leave it at that. That way you aren't directly policing him. Don't overtly police him unless he asks you to. The decision must be his.

I try really hard not to mention anything, all I do is notice what's gone missing but I do my best not to say anything to him about it, as I refuse to put myself in the position of being in charge of what goes in his mouth. Occasionally I do slip up, but I'm human. For instance, the other day he didn't have breakfast so for a snack he ate 3 350 calorie granola slices one after the other. I can't just stand watching that and say nothing, but I try to do it in a nice way. I don't badger, and I don't bring up the gym etc unless he does first. I never, ever tell him he can't eat something or take food away from him.

He's never been prescribed codeine for anything, but he says he gets headache a lot (I have pointed out in the past that overuse of codeine causes headaches). He buys OTC co codamol and also takes someone else's prescription co codamol that they give to him. Unfortunately I'm not in a position where I can make the other person stop giving them to him.

I do think he's depressed. I've suffered with depression for 20 years so I know how to deal with a sufferer, but this is something else he refuses to discuss with me. I spent a lot of last year quite mentally unwell, and I know this put a big strain on him. Our lovely GP referred him for a course of counselling which we agreed would be beneficial for him given the stress he was under while I was ill. When he went to book the appointment they didn't have one he could attend so they told him to call back in a couple of weeks when some more had opened up. That was 3 months ago, and he hasn't mentioned it since.

The painkiller use is very worrying. Does it pre-date the weight gain? Co-codamol is not only addictive but the quantity of paracetamol is harmful in its own right. Do a bit of research online - there are a number of forum threads on patient.co.uk and I also came across this. Although the enabling behaviour of the other person isn't helpful, it's not like co-codamol is hard to source if you want to, unfortunately.

I would suggest the way he is behaving is symptomatic of depression (which may in turn be caused by the addiction). Until he wants to seek help it's hard to see how anything can change. I also sympathise with him, having addiction and weight problems of my own - people who try to intervene when you're not ready can just make you feel hunted and put upon.

I think you need a very frank conversation with him about how you feel - that it has nothing to do with a lack of love or desire but rather because you love him and want to grow old with him, and at the moment that simply won't happen.

He may respond very badly to this, but you already know a strategy of doing nothing (overt) isn't working.

I wouldn't attribute the desire not to go anywhere to weight, by the way, that strikes me as more about the lethargy of addiction. If he is in any way receptive to a conversation about this, I wonder if you could agree a single goal of a family walk each week?

Not in any way saying I'm perfect by the way, I'm also quite overweight at the moment, but not to the same extent and I am making an effort to remedy the situation. I also don't have any underlying health concerns as a result of my weight.

I do smoke a bit (never while pregnant, obviously) and I've thought about telling him I'll make a change when he does and I'll stop if he loses x amount of weight but that feels like emotional blackmail and I don't want to go down the road of either of us being responsible for the other's issues.

Your instinct is right not to bargain - you should stop smoking because it's the right thing for you, not as a reward for him addressing his issues. Stopping may also give you a useful insight into the difficulties of withdrawal, think of it as background research

Have you told him that you are worried about his health? (Not, have you spoken to him about what he eats).

I could have written you post CaitSith.

My STBXH was slightly overweight when we met, over the last 16 years he has reached 22 stone. He has an addiction to bread & could eat a loaf with various accompaniments in one sitting. I tried everything, talking (he didn't want to discuss it), freezing bread so there was no fresh bread in the house, nagging, shouting etc. nothing worked.

Eventually he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes as a direct result of his weight. Had to take pills but kept on eating. I hoped it would be a turning point but it took a bit longer to sink in.

Eventually he did a shake based diet & lost 6 stone in 3 months. It changed him for the better in so many ways. He was cheerful, good with the kids, did stuff with us etc. Unfortunately it didn't last, the three months he did the diet were in the run up to Christmas & at Christmas he started eating again in the same way as before. Within 6 months he was back up to his previous weight & all the issues we'd had previously were worse than before because now not only was he fat but he had also seen the 'other side' but had failed to keep the weight off. I know he despises himself & we have been suffering for that for the last 4 years.

Your DH has to come to the realisation himself & commit to changing I'm afraid.

I feel for you & you can PM me if you need to vent

Yes Vivacia, I've told him that I'm worried about his health issues and that if there was any help I could give him to deal with them to just tell me. He says not, and that he's fine. I'm at my wit's end.

Thank you Balders, I'm sorry you're having issues too

This is a difficult situation for you. I agree about not becoming the food police. I think if your dh is depressed you need to start there. These other issues are probably his attempt to self medicate his low mood. I'm not saying it will automatically resolve if he is happier but it will certainly be easier for him to beat his weight problem and kick the codeine addiction once he is feeling stronger mentally.

I really feel for you Op. I've had a similar experience and eventually had to walk away. It sounds like for a long time you've been focusing on his needs while he completely ignores yours.

I wouldn't be able to stay in a sexless marriage. Have you told him your having thoughts about getting out ?

Definitely think there are mental health issues here which need tackling first. But if you DH does not recognise/accept this for himself it is difficult to see what you can do.

My DH is nearly 20 stone (and very much the wrong side of 50) and he too eats and drinks if I go to bed before him. The diet is always going to begin tomorrow. Which never comes. I

Hippo, if he stopped taking his meds. Sounds he just quit caring. It will hurt the kids if he feel such a way.

Btw, asthma meds can cause cushing disorder (gain a lot of weight) so have his doctor check it out.

Overeating is a sort of addiction. As with any addiction it is the addict who needs to make the first move.

You can only control your own actions.

DH and I have both been overweight.

In early summer last year I joined slimming world. DH was supportive and became involved and interested in the way of eating. As a result DH has lost 4 stone, without dieting, I've lost 4.5 with effort, meal planning and rethinking our way of eating. We're now healthy BMI's, DH is looking really good, has more energy and is happier in himself.

We've three DC so have sweets, biscuits, crisps and chocolates in the house. They are not in the kitchen but in a dining room cupboard. They're not hidden from DH. He knows where they are and does have the ocassional (several times a week) night time raid, but its not nightly and not as extensive as it once was.

In the fridge the top shelf is kept full of healthier snack options. Lots of berries, cottage cheese, pickled onions, cooked lean meat slices and things like boiled eggs, sometimes prawns and smoked salmon. We also have lots of low fat muller light yogurts in that DH munches through.

The fruit basket is kept full.

We have lots of breakfast bar type biscuits in the kitchen and homemade merringues (mix of sugar and sweetner) for when the sweet tooth kicks in.

Meals are very big, DH regularly has seconds and eats till he's satisfied but they're very low fat and cooked from scratch. We eat a big cooked breakfast each day. Often bacon medalions (the meat bit of bacon with all fat trimmed off) tomatos, mushrooms, egg and beans so we start the day on a hearty meal.

I have lots of soups for lunch and DH is sent to work with big bags of fruit, lots of low fat cereal bars and then does his own thing which is I'm quite sure the odd pasty, sausage roll and bacon sandwich.

DH is really proud of how he's shifted the weight without any real effort. Its all been a bit behind the scenes on my part, showing the way reordering the food storage with the healthier options being laid out and made readily available. But it has been his choice to take those options and so his loss is his to be proud of.

Something has to give, but you can only control your own actions so it is a tough one.

As a comfort eater I can honestly say that when my parents would take me to one side to discuss my weight gain my imediate response on being on my own, other than to cry, would be to open a bottle of wine and big bar of chocolate, followed by some crisps or maybe a buttery white bread crisp sandwich to soak up the alcohol.

What a difficult situation.

One thing that might be relevant is that one of the side effects of sleep apnea is weight gain. With his high BP the apnea could become a more serious condition. Would he consider going back for a different mask? My DH has sleep apnea and there are various different models now including little tubes in the nose rather than a mask.

I agree this sort of eating is an addiction. So is the Codeine. Have you eve taken prescription codeine? It is very strong, and it pretty much 'blunts' you to everything going on. You just don't really care about much, it all feels warm and fluffy. No wonder people get horribly addicted to the stuff.

If he has depression which is affecting this..or as a result / combination thing, then my belief it is his responsibility to seek help.

I don't believe that it is fair or reasonable for anyone to expect their family to put up with having their lives affected in this way from someone who is making no effort to tackle it. At the other end of the spectrum..he has no reason to change really does he? It's easy to brush off the concerns of a loved one when you are high on a combination of no sleep, overeating and being 'fuzzed over' by codeine.

I feel for you. My approach would be to essentially expect a decent attempt to address health issues (body and mind - bodymind really as they are all linked) and seek help or I would be totally unprepared to enable it. Or make the whole family tolerate and enable.

I suppose a difficult question to answer is, "what would you do if he refused to seek medical help with these problems?".

I just don't know. I know that we can't live how we are forever, and if nothing changes then the sensible thing to do would be to leave instead of spending the rest of my life resenting my marriage. But he's such a good person, and he's been so supportive of me while I've been ill, and surely this is an illness too? He's an amazing father and a better man than I ever thought I deserved. I just want him back, I love him so much.

Can you sit him down and explain how worried you are about his health and how you would like to continue being married and raising the children with him. How the kids need a dad etc?
My DH is also overweight, he hid from it until we sat down an discussed it frankly. I explained he was at risk from a stroke which would leave him permanently disabled and tried to put the fear into him.
I also persuade him to use the My Fitness Pal app to see the actual calorie intake of what he was eating and we got a fitbit activity tracker so he could see how much energy he was expending. Then he could see it all on a graph and how the numbers were adding up. Suddenly seeing it in black and white has helped to focus him. It's not perfect, but he's making an effort.

The thing is- unless he tackles the sleep apnea and the codeine addiction, the weight is very unlikely to come off. He must feel totally exhausted all the time and I bet this is why his libido has taken a nose dive.

I would be tackling the sleep apnea immediately as, coupled with high cholesterol, this puts his risk of heart attack/stroke much higher than just being overweight.

I'm not trying to say overweight isn't an issue, it absolutely is, but it is his issue and you are very unlikely to help him by nagging him, but I might well nag him about using the sleep apnea machine properly, because 2 nights isn't enough to get used to it- it can take weeks and adjustments and persistence.

I'm sorry I can't help more, but everyone is right, it is his battle. I am sympathetic, my husband is obese and it is very frustrating- I want to shout 'put down the donughts' or whatever, but he has recently decided after a few years of sluggishness to make some changes in his diet and has lost some weight for the first time in ages, who knows why?

I do know I can't control it though, even though it makes me angry sometimes.

I think a frank chat about all your unhealthy habits is a good one. I would quit the smoking though yourself as that is also a life-shortener (try vaping perhaps? the boards here are great and there is a special topic on this).