my heart is shattered into a million pieces

[ninetynineonehundred]

Sat here on my own crying and crying

Started having the divorce conversation with h this week after a year of separation.

That hurts enough because I had hoped that if I could find the 'magic words ' he would not only see how ea he's been all these years but change it. D'oh. In my defence he's been like it for many years and my self esteem was through the floor.

Obviously not and I've finally had enough of the games.

What hurts so much is that this morning our 4 year old said somethings about us arguing and how she is trying to find a way to make it better. Also I am mean to daddy and he needs to be nicer. And our arguing worries her.

I wanted to shield her from it all and haven't.
And she's only going to get more upset as her life is about to change completely (he never moved out despite promising to repeatedly)

All i ever wanted for her (and all of us) was a happy family and I can't give it to her.

It really really hurts. Please hold my hand this morning.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Here's a hand.
You will come through this and one day realise it's for the best.

Thank you. I can't bear knowing that my little baby who I just wanted to protect is unhappy and worried.
I'm not strong enough to do this but I have to.

Growing up in this environment is going to be worse.

Either way I've fucked her up

Actually I think your dd has given you a great gift. She is telling you that this family environment is toxic. Your ambition both to shield her from the EA and to 'cure' him of it was unrealistic - you can't successfully do either. But what you can do is remove yourself and her from the toxin and create a safe, happy home for her - which is what you both deserve.

Yes, she will be upset at the upcoming upheaval but at least, unlike this 'phony separation' it will be productive because it will create a stronger, more loving home for her. Listen to what she is saying - she is learning from you that it's her job to try and fix the unfixable and to blame herself when she can't. Did you learn that as a child as well? Do you think that's why you stuck with an abuser for so many years?

Time to break the cycle. Happy families come in many shapes and sizes. Give her as much happiness as you can, that's as much as any of us can do.

All i ever wanted for her (and all of us) was a happy family and I can't give it to her.

I think that a happy family is exactly what you and your ex are giving her by (really) separating - no more hearing the arguments, feeling the atmosphere and thinking that she has to fix your marriage.

My now 6yo is happy as Larry after going through divorce aged 4.
Don't drag her into it, don't be negative about him. Let her chatter about how great he is, when you know he's not.
Get out of the toxic environment and you'll see a much less worried child.

She also said she would go out with daddy this morning to give me space
I don't want space from her! But how can I explain that?

The worst thing is that i still hold onto the idea of my happy ending. I'm so weak and it's hurting my baby

At least I've given her the tools to express her feelings and she knows that both of us take them seriously. I saw the look on his face when she was talking this morning. Hopefully he finally gets why this has to happen.

She doesn't even know what happiness is yet - she will once you free her from living in the same house as him. She is just reacting to pacify him.

Remember - they choose to abuse you sweetie. Seems he does it to her as well.

There is a happy ending out there for you - it's just not this one. You haven't been weak. You've told your abuser that enough is enough - when your dd is 4 and not when she is 14. Now you can move forward.

You have reassured your dd that none of this is her fault, I hope?because she is definitely internalising your and your stbxh's relationship problems. And she needs to hear over and over and over again that it was in no way to do with her.

It's not the 'end' of your daughter's happiness ninetynineonehundred, it's the start of it. She will have a stable home life and much love from both parents without the distraction of both of you tip-toeing around, him ineffectually trying to mend his ways and you trying to bridge the gaps for fear of splitting up your daughter's home and parents.

My mum divorced when I was 17. I have three brothers all younger. It was far, far too late and whilst she wanted us all to be one big happy family it wasn't going to happen. I knew when I was 5 that she was unhappy and knew too much about everything because she treated me as 'confidante'. I don't think she meant to, she didn't have anybody else, but it was awful.

You're ending this nightmare at 4... your daughter will be just fine.

I remember feeling like your daughter has indicated. Probably not quite so young, as I don't think I can remember they far back, but certainly as a small child.

My parents contined to live together until I was in my 20s. That feeling never went away. As I got older, the feeling of responsiblity got heavier and heavier. They then began to confide in me about their problems and manipulated me into trying to "help" or used me to score points.

It has left me a very fretful and anxious adult. How I wish they had divorced and gone on to live separate, happy lives. I really think it would have been so much better.

You sound like a lovely, caring mum. You want the best for your child. She is your main concern. Your're doing the best thing, in my opinion. Good luck!

. Just let her know it isn't her fault. Amazing insight from a four year old.

Update!

He's going!
After a year of us being 'seperated' we agreed that he would leave tomorrow.

He's got a place for a few months staying with mutual friends and we've told dd already.

I got him to agree to move out for two weeks initially to give us some space and there are no guarantees that he will be coming back afterwards.

We have told dd that he will be at work for a couple of weeks, I know that's not honest but neither of us know how things are going to pan out. I know it's cowardly of us but I think both of us are hoping that things will work out.

It's such a hideously co dependant relationship and we've been together since very early 20's (almost 40 now) so him just going for a few weeks is a MAJOR deal.

But I'm scared, and I don't know how to cope by myself. I've never had to before.
Also I'm a sahm with no savings and a 15 month old so my confidence is through the floor.

On the outside I'm strong and confident but inside i don't know if I can cope with the sleepless nights, the house, finding a job and heartbreak by myself. I've not had a full nights sleep for years.

The thing that tipped the balance was dd saying that she thought me and daddy should have time apart (like i say to her about arguments with her friends).
Left to myself I'd allow the hideous co dependant self indulgence to go on forever but not after that so I gave him the 'either you go or we do ' ultimatum and he magically found somewhere!

My head is a mess and this feels like a bad dream but I'm not going to ask him to stay. Why am I driving a process that is going to hurt so much!?

Will it hurt more than carrying on as you are and destroying your daughter's emotional wellbeing in the process?

Hi ehric you are right of course and that's why I'm doing this.
I just feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff and don't know if the landing will be safe.

You are doing the right thing, your daughter has already picked up on the situation

I know it is difficult but try not to look at everything that has to be done, break it down into small manageable pieces and tackle them one by one. For example, make tomorrow's goal contacting citizens advice, talk to them about any money due

You will be amazed by the end of the week by how much you have achieved and how much you are capable of

Please keep posting here as there is some fantastic support and advice

Thank you Christina.

Everything feels overwhelming right now. Baby steps is something I can manage. That's how I've arrived at a place that was unthinkable a year ago.

I know once he goes I'll be sad and heartbroken but also the tension will go too which can only be a good thing.

What do I have to do practically?
Citizens advice sounds like a good start. Anything else?

Have you spoken to him about money? When he will help with baby etc?

Tell people, you will need support and help in real life

If you are thinking about going back to work, what child care is available

Counseling for you....you sound as if you have been through a really difficult time

Most importantly be kind to yourself this week, your emotions will be all over the place and you will be drained, just do what you can

Oh lovely. I am so sad reading this but I also believe you are doing the right thing for yourself and your child. Like everything in life the pain will pass and you will be able to grow in confidence and strength because you are facing the world and standing up for yourself. Take each day as it comes. Don't think you are alone as you know there is a little corner of mumsnet who will always be there for you as long as you want or need some support. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks Christina and muskey

Being with him is everything i know.
I really can't picture what next week is going to look like.

We have been so miserable together but love each other at the same time. Two little damaged creatures huddled up together.

I downloaded the sample of lundy bancrofts 'should I stay or go ' a few days ago. He provides a multiple choice list of questions to determine if your partner is abusive, immature or an addict.

Mine is undoubtedly very immature. That's why I always kept going before because I kept thinking if he could just see...
Now I know that i just enable him to be a child and for his sake as much as mine he needs to go.

It really does feel how I'd imagine kicking out a teenager!

So sorry for you, (({Ninety})) and we all appreciate what a wrench this is, but you really are doing the best for your little DD. She already notices you are both unhappy and would take in far more when she's older. A break now is much easier for her than when she's pre-teen or teen.

Your child-man couldn't grow up, so the guilt for the situation is on him. Now make sure he at least behaves financially like a grownup and supports his DD properly.
I recommend you collect details of all your bank accounts, income and mortgage, if any. Then take these to the CAB to find what you are entitled to, from him and from the State. You might also be able to have 30 free mins from some solicitors, in your circumstances.

Main things to consider when you are ready:
Do you wish to stay in the same accommodation and can you manage to do so ?
Do you need retraining, or are you qualified for a job with the income you need ?
Coordinating childcare and job

You are strong and so brave. You'll come through this and do well.

oh and collect your marriage certificate, together with your and DDs birth certificates and passports, if any. You may need them for officialdom.

The kids are sat watching TV with him downstairs and it all seems so warm and normal.
Everything i worked so hard for... kids, a happy home, Sunday lunch all together dancing at the table... It's all there but it's an illusion.

This is hurting so much.
All i can see is dd and h sitting together and how much this is about to hurt both of them.

Crap