my heart is shattered into a million pieces

[ninetynineonehundred]

Sat here on my own crying and crying

Started having the divorce conversation with h this week after a year of separation.

That hurts enough because I had hoped that if I could find the 'magic words ' he would not only see how ea he's been all these years but change it. D'oh. In my defence he's been like it for many years and my self esteem was through the floor.

Obviously not and I've finally had enough of the games.

What hurts so much is that this morning our 4 year old said somethings about us arguing and how she is trying to find a way to make it better. Also I am mean to daddy and he needs to be nicer. And our arguing worries her.

I wanted to shield her from it all and haven't.
And she's only going to get more upset as her life is about to change completely (he never moved out despite promising to repeatedly)

All i ever wanted for her (and all of us) was a happy family and I can't give it to her.

It really really hurts. Please hold my hand this morning.

You can still have happy family times together, it will just be without all the horrible times in between

Ninety things WILL get better, you will still be able to dance round the table!! I think you are doing the right thing for you and the kids and it takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing Hang in there...

ninety this sucks.

choc has practical advice. Out local children's centre had a benefits advisor, iirc you can have free childcare if you're looking for work.

If you have a CC near you see if they have something similar.
I think you can also have JSA fit she months provided you are available/looking for work.

They also mentioned child tax credits and income support, so I would suggest finding out what you are entitled to.

He's gone.

Seriously

He's not here. Packed a suitcase. Face as white as a sheet. Tears from both of us and then he left. The baby gave me a really sweet hug because I was crying

When did my life become this place and how am I supposed to survive it? I know that it's the right thing but it's very very new and I'm scared of how I'll cope.

This isn't going to get magically fixed and I always hoped it would.

Tonight is going to be lonely even though we've done nothing but argue for months.

The midgets are asleep on either side of me (both bad sleepers) and no one to help in the morning.

I've jumped off the cliff and don't know if I'm going to survive the landing

Yes you will. Get up tomorrow, get dcs ready and go out

Have you told anyone in rl yet? You need some help and support

As I said before take it one day at a time and see how you feel

Change is always scary.
This change, for you, will be very good.
Your previous life with him is just a habit you have to break free from.
You will be much, much happier.

It will get better. Take each day as it comes and take care of yourself

Thanks everyone. Tonight I feel alone but at least there hasn't been any tension.

Having to fight the urge to find out how he's doing. You are right, it's a habit.

Both kids are snoring now and one is teething badly.
It's going to be a looong night.

OP
I couldn't read and not post, though I don't have any practical advice for you.
Just wanted to give you a very un-MN hug and some and say that I think you are amazing.
Others are right - teeny tiny baby steps, one hour at a time if one day at a time feels too scary - just get up in the morning and get DC dressed and out. Drink a cup of tea/coffee and eat something. Call a RL friend or family member if you can. That's all you need to do for the first couple of hours of the day. Don't lump everything - all the practical side etc - into one big terrifying mess. One little step at a time and you WILL get there.
You are doing such a brave thing and it is the RIGHT THING.
What an exceptional mother you are.
Will think of you and send you lots of positive thoughts through the airwaves!!!
Well done, keep calm and carry on, you can do this.
xx

Oh, and re jumping off the cliff... maybe, but you have a parachute there, you know. You may not realise it yet, but you do. You are a strong enough person (having got this far, you must be) that you have all the tools there to get that parachute up and survive the landing. You really, really do.

Breakfast is important even if you don't get round to it till lunch!

Yep, little tasks sound sensible, definitely try and phone and get an appt for any aid you are entitled to.

And good luck/

just letting you know I am thinking of you this morning. Be gentle on yourself

So notsomini99 spent the night with a temperature and woke up crying for daddy with trapped wind.
And mini99 cried all night with a new molar.
at least I'm not going to have any time to brood today.

Tell me it's normal to want to call him to come back (not going to but just the first night was hard)

I feel so weak

One day at a time.
Concentrate on getting everyone fed and dressed, including you.
The pain is raw, but this really shall pass.
< big hugs >