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Original poster

Can a strong sense of chemistry be one-sided?

32 replies

mygiddyantelope · 14/03/2015 00:59

NC'd for this as I am about to sound teenager-ish!

I know of course that love can be one-sided or unrequited, but what about very strong sense of chemistry and 'belonging together'? can a woman be completely delusional on that score? an experienced woman.

Have met a younger guy recently (seen him three times socially), and feeling absolutely magnetic with each other, I mean to me it seems mutual, especially the second meeting when we were not in a group (at a social place but doing our own thing and chatting together). Felt absolutely happy in his space and like floating (can't describe without sounding cringey). I wouldn't say the feeling was sexual per se (i.e. horny) but just a huge wave of loving feeling and attraction. Lots of prolonged eye contact which I loved. He didn't not look away. Not really flirting in silly way, it felt more openly happy.

Now the reason i'm confused...he looks socially like he's gay! Not camp in his manner and not very effeminate, but the way he talks is a bit camp and just the general impression, and he's not 'manly' but i often like the non-manly type.

Could he be bi-sexual? And if so how can I find out? I think he must assume I think he's gay so if I asked him out (if I'm deluded) it would be very disrespectful to ignore he was gay. We are very friendly but not friends, so can't just ask. I tried to get the non-verbal clues, and to me they are there as described. But he never so far asked for my contact details though he knows we may meet again in a few weeks most likely. He also could have invited me to come to his workplace disguised as social thing (my interest in art is related to his work) but so far didn't. Yes it's early days but the 'deluded' bells are ringing. How can I be THAT much wrong though?

I know I may be just going crazy! but the feeling is so natural, literally as magnetic as can be.

Any words of advice? sorry I know it comes across as ridiculous.

OP posts:
GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 14/03/2015 01:05

I have felt this sort of "connection" with a gay guy too before. Can't explain it, but I have definitely felt it. Later on we became really good friends and he did confess that he had also felt a bit physically attracted to me too when we first met. Weird!

Original poster
mygiddyantelope · 14/03/2015 01:05

it was meant to be 'he didn't look away, ignore the 'not'.

OP posts:
Trills · 14/03/2015 01:10

Just from reading your title - yes.

On person can think they have strong sense of chemistry while the other does not.

Yes.

That is totally a thing.

Original poster
mygiddyantelope · 14/03/2015 01:11

oh hi Guilty, that was quick, thanks!

so has the feeling just evaporated, you never tried anything like kissing after a few drinks? how did you manage to just shake it off quickly? I thought maybe I should try to become friends but it's hard to act relaxed.

OP posts:
Original poster
mygiddyantelope · 14/03/2015 01:15

Trills I just thought the whole word chemistry means mutual as 'something reacts'.

And Sorry if this sounds sexist but I thought with 'sensitive' type of women thefeeling is usually mutual, with guys it can often be a one sided sexual desire but it's purely sexual. I feel it's more than just horniness.

OP posts:
Original poster
mygiddyantelope · 14/03/2015 01:19

though yes a man can be in love too and rejected but usually if that woman doesn't fancy him she wouldn't have prolonged eye-contact, blushing etc, like this guy does with me (or at least responds in kind to me).

OP posts:
WildFlowerWoman · 14/03/2015 09:51

You can certainly have a strong chemistry with someone without it being sexual. Could it be that you and this guy just like each other and hit it off?

I guess what I'm saying is that attraction and sexual attraction are two different things and it's easy to get the two feelings mixed up. Do you really want to go to bed with a guy who might be gay or bisexual? Think about it.

I think you need to ask yourself if you really fancy him or not, and if you do, you need to find out if he fancies you.

SelfLoathing · 14/03/2015 11:09

Depends what you are talking about by "chemistry" - if you mean that sparky, electricity flying, the world stops and time pools feeling, then no, it isn't a one way thing. The very essence of it is a mutual two way attraction.

If you mean an intense crush/infatuation/sexual attraction gone a bit hyper - then yes, that can be a one way thing.

If you have the former with this man, he is probably at the very least bi-sexual if not straight. If it's the latter, then who knows?

Branleuse · 14/03/2015 11:12

not everyone who is camp, is gay

Original poster
mygiddyantelope · 14/03/2015 11:16

thank you, WildFlower, I agree it makes sense to actually think whether going to bed with a bi- guy is a good idea (with regards to future prospects), the thing is I'm not looking for flings with no prospects of relationship.

I did think that maybe I just strongly like him as a person, he is very nice after all! but the 2d and 3d time I did feel physically very drawn, fantasised a bit afterwards. Maybe I could steer this feeling into friendship but it's just awkward to have these teenage style symptoms of wanting to be as close as possible or stare into his eyes, and also I wasn't as jokey and upbeat last time because of these thoughts. I do have this melting happy feeling when I'm next to him, and slightly paralysed sort of thing, isn't that sexual? I think to be really turned on, I'd need to hold hands at least. So yes I definitely fancy him - how do I know then if he fancies me? I think he does, but again maybe fancying is not enough for him to actually experiment. Heck he might even have a bf.

Possibly he is just generally like this with women as he is nice. I.e. unaware that him standing so close or having that deep eye contact is having effect on someone. but blushing a bit also? hmm

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 14/03/2015 11:22

Could he be bi-sexual? And if so how can I find out....he knows we may meet again in a few weeks most likely. . .How can I be THAT much wrong though?

I know I may be just going crazy! but the feeling is so natural, literally as magnetic as can be

If it is proper chemistry (and not just a crush), then you are very unlikely to be wrong. But don't rule out the possibility that he maybe bisexual or in a committed relationship and not free to act anyway.

The next time you see him, I'd bring the conversation round to relationships in a general way and see what he says. Tell some story/anecdote about an awful or great first date or your first bf or similar and then make some general comment about whatever your topic is "first dates can be so great/awful can't they?" "what was your worst/best first date story". Not that specifically but that sort of thing.

MaudeLebowski · 14/03/2015 11:22

Absolutely can be one sided, sorry.

Original poster
mygiddyantelope · 14/03/2015 11:26

maybe he just sees me as a likeable sister type, i.e. certain closeness but not anything else. I just have no experience in friendships with gay men, and how is it for them.

I'd still be useful to know if he was bi or not. There's that 'what if?'.

OP posts:
Original poster
mygiddyantelope · 14/03/2015 11:35

thanks, SelfLoathing. We don't talk so far about anything personal so will be a bit strange to start that topic, but I will think how to do it. Just really want to find out whether he's bi for starters, obviously if he's not that I will know for sure it's just a crush on my side. Any tips on how to tell or to ask diplomatically?

Maude, yes I agree in theory but would the uninterested person give you any encouraging signals? I know I wouldn't if I don't fancy someone who fancies me. I would only have minimal eye contact and keep a social distance. In this case we are in each other's personal space all the time when there is a chance.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 14/03/2015 11:40

Of course it can be one sided.

It's not actual chemistry, with chemicals reacting, it's just being attracted to someone and imagining they feel the same (because how could they not? Hmm Grin )

It's about the easiest thing in the world to delude yourself about.

And women, IME, are far more susceptible to this kind of self delusion.

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 11:46

Yes to the one sided chemistry question.
Yes, he could just be a kind and well mannered person doing a job in something you are interested in, intelligent and attentive. He may be gay and be this way with his felame friends.
He may be bi...but whatever his orientation the more important questions are, is he looking for any relationship, is he the type to keep looking while still in a relationship, would he cheat? It doesn't sound to me as though you know enough about him to be so emotionally invested.

Cabrinha · 14/03/2015 11:52

How in earth is it being disrespectful to someone to ignore that they are gay, if you don't even know that they are?!!

My boyfriend and I were swapping ex stories the other day - we've both asked out and been turned down by gay people.

What's the big deal? You like him, you ask him out. He says "I'm gay" you say "Ooops" and maybe get a friendship going instead.

WildFlowerWoman · 14/03/2015 12:15

Perhaps the question should be...How can you tell if a guy fancies you?

The answer to that question is not always straightforward but there are a few obvious signs to look out for:

You've already mentioned the prolonged eye contact and that's definitely a good sign that he fancies you! Does he look pleased to see you? Does he pay you a lot of attention? Does he groom himself or lean towards you when he is talking to you? Has he dropped any subtle hints?

It could be he's just shy in which case you will have to make the first move. You say your interest in art is related to his work, perhaps you should try dropping a a few subtle hints in that direction and see how he reacts?

Original poster
mygiddyantelope · 14/03/2015 12:18

Peace I'm not emotionally invested, I'm just very attarcted to him and like him from what I know, but I do not know him well. Also we have a mutual interest and belong to a group/class together, which also relates to his work but he's not in position of authority at all towards me. But yes, the rest can be true, re nice, attentive as a person.

Cabrinha, in his case it's quite obvious (I mean he could be bi but obvious he's not straight), so in a way he could thing 'I can't believe yo uasked me out, you can tell I'm gay', I assume you genuinely didn't guess with your oops incidents?

Bathtime, 'how could they not?' Grin yes the bitter truth of knowing that you may not be fancied back! I just meant that women are usually more in tune with others' feelings, I think. IME men can be absolutely hopeless at this - even when you tell and show them you don't fancy them, they still hope if you are just polite and friendly. FWIW I'm not usually wrong with the attraction aspect but only so far with straight men.

OP posts:
Original poster
mygiddyantelope · 14/03/2015 12:23

Wild, I'll be off now but will respond later. will reflect on your 'signs' list.

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 12:25

Have you seen him snogging other men? Then it isn't obvious. I know a number of camp men who are not gay.

CheersMedea · 14/03/2015 13:14

It's not actual chemistry, with chemicals reacting, it's just being attracted to someone and imagining they feel the same (because how could they not?

I don't agree with this. Proper chemistry is 100% two way - that's the essence of it.

It's not the same as just really fancying someone - even intensely - which of course can be one sided.

If you've never experienced it, then you may not be able to tell the difference. But it is very identifiable and very different from just being attracted to someone and imagining they feel the same.

CheersMedea · 14/03/2015 13:16

Agree with Self on this.

Wild makes an interesting point about having chemistry that is non-sexual - and I think the same thing applies. It is a two way thing.

talbotinthesky · 14/03/2015 15:12

I've met people who assume I'm gay even though I'm not. Just ask him out and see what happens Smile

BathtimeFunkster · 14/03/2015 16:10

Proper chemistry is 100% two way - that's the essence of it.

I can't decide if this is a worse abuse of science or maths Grin

There is no way of knowing that something you are feeling is felt by someone else.

That's the essence of being a human.

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