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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OMG!! My SIL has mannaged to read my private messages and seen me bitching about her! What to do now?

39 replies

chuffinalong · 13/03/2015 18:33

Hi, this is such an awful situation. Just after Christmas my SIL relly pissedmy mum and I off by putting a rather rude comment on my facebook page regarding child rearing choices. I answewd in quite a curt way and she un-friended us both. I then private messaged my mum and we had a darn good bitching session about her, saying all kinds of things which were just speculation but we decided it was the truth, that she was a control freak and dominates her DH's every move etc, but also things like our grandmother in law could see what she ws like from the start. This was really mean, as although she didn't warm to her streight away, she did grow to love her... These sort of things were never meant to be shared with anyone other than my mum! I would never intentionally hurt anyones feelings even if they did piss me off.
She found out about all this, as I had borrowed her DH's laptop to check my FB account nd forgot to log off. She then went logged on as me, unknowingly and read my private messages. She must have read through quite a lot before getting to the bits about her and some of it was very private and probably entertaining. :-o
It's certainly taught me a lesson, but I haven't spoken to her since. (This was 3 days ago) I'm not sure what to say or how to ever look her in the eyes again. I can be such a bitch when I'm angry! This was such a shock to her as I come accross as very shy and retiering. We have a very close family, so I don't want it to cause any kind of rift between us, for my MIL's sake more than anything. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to go and see her, should I write to her or send a message? What should I say?
Thanks.

OP posts:
IDontDoIroning · 13/03/2015 18:39

Well if you snoop you run the risk of finding out stuff you won't like.
Ok you should have logged off but she should have logged you out as soon as she realised.
She knew exactly what she was doing.
She was rude to you and you were annoyed with her and privately discussed this with your mother.

Original poster
chuffinalong · 13/03/2015 18:41

I forgot to mention, my BIL (Her DH) hs been around and talked to me about it. He said that she was very upset, but that they both want to just draw a line under it and move on. Having a close family means a lot to everyone. I think this was very decent of them, but it kind of makes me feel even worse. I do need to appologise, but not sure how to approach it?

OP posts:
RitaOrange · 13/03/2015 18:42

Tough shit - private messages are private for a reason !

JoanHicksonMIfive · 13/03/2015 18:42

Your only defence here is to focus on the fact she should not have read the messages.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 13/03/2015 18:43

Close?

Your family sounds like it has no boundaries whatsoever.

VivaLeBeaver · 13/03/2015 18:44

Well you have as much right to be as mad with her as she does with you. No way should she have gone through your private messages.

My teen dd is in the same situation. she bitched to a boyfriend about a friend of hers (who had been a bitch to dd). friend read dds private messages after dd didn't log out her instagram account on friends phone. Friends now won't talk to dd. But I said to dd that I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who snooped like this.

Your difficulty is that she's family. Has your brother said anything? I'd be civil to her but that's it.

AlternativeTentacles · 13/03/2015 18:44

But she snooped and logged in as you!

They want to draw a line under it because they know she should not have snooped. In your private messages, you can say what the hell you want to say.

VivaLeBeaver · 13/03/2015 18:45

Ok, just seen your last message.

Maybe send her a card and say sorry and you agree it needs putting behind you.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 13/03/2015 18:45

Sorry that was probably unhelpful but seriously why are you so laissez faire about your private accounts and why do you conduct family dramas on Facebook? Maybe everyone should step back and stop being in each other's pockets. I'm quite close to my family but I would draw a line at discussing their relationships in written detail.

Original poster
chuffinalong · 13/03/2015 18:46

Thank you IDon'tDoIroning. There were some really nasty things we said though, which must have really hurt. It was a bit of curiosity killed the cat I think.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 13/03/2015 18:46

What should I say?

How about 'How dare you log into my account and read all my private messages - who the fuck do you think you are?'

RJnomore · 13/03/2015 18:46

Those were vile things to say about her. She perhaps shouldn't have been snooping but if it was me, I would rather know what type of people you and your mother were.

Sorry op I have no sympathy. For any of you.

BlackDaisies · 13/03/2015 18:46

Oh dear. How do you know for sure that she logged in as you? I think I would do nothing. Wait and see if she brings it up. If she does I think you can say sorry that she was hurt but that you were just venting after she'd upset you. Say something similar to here, that you can get fiery when you're angry but that you never thought she'd look at your private messages. You probably just need (a lot) of time to elapse.

SwedishEdith · 13/03/2015 18:47

She read your messages, said something unpleasant on fb before then and has defriended you? I'd wouldn't give it too much thought anymore I probably would bu I don't think it's necessary

redexpat · 13/03/2015 18:50

Act innocent, baffled as to why she is not speaking to you or whatever. Then she will have to keep quiet or admit she read your pms.

countessmarkyabitch · 13/03/2015 18:50

She shouldn't have snooped, that was bad of her. It doesn't let you off the hook though. You know why you feel bad, don't you? Because you talked about her behind her back and were nasty and unfair. Just because you didn't expect her to know what you said doesn't mean it was ok to say those things.

You keep saying how its important to be a close family, but you seem to dislike her an awful lot, so how close can you be, really?

torontonian · 13/03/2015 18:54

If I were her I would be ashamed and I wouldn't not mention reading your messages!
So tell her that you feel your privacy violated and you are uncomfortable with her. But you don't want to make a big deal so tell her that you will need some time to turn the page on this.

StillProcrastinating · 13/03/2015 18:54

It's really hard to get over this sort of thing. I was once being bitched about, and the email came to me by mistake. It's awful. I didn't particularly like the people involved, but I didn't dislike them so I was surprised by their having the energy / interest to slag me off.

Time is a great healer - not for our relationship but just I needed time to get over the hurt. I didn't actual see these people anymore, so was able to cut them out entirely.

Would have been gut wrenching had it been family, but I am sensitive.

You need to live closely with your SIL, so it's going to be all about rebuilding the trust. But don't underestimate how it might have made her feel. She may be really robust and have inner strength, or she might be a softie like me.

Original poster
chuffinalong · 13/03/2015 18:55

Wow! Lots of responses. I know she shouldn't have looked but we're all human and there was some funny exchanges between my mum and I which she would have found entertining.
The problem is, we do kind of live in each others pockets. We are all in the same town and attend lots of family functions together. My mum and I are extreamly close and we use the private message on FB as a way of chatting when she's working away. She travells alot with her job and we keep in touch through it. I'm certainly not one to put all my dramas on FB for my friends to see, but I will private message my mum.
I will send an appology as I do want to move on with this and I'd hate to think I've hurt her feelings too badly as I actually qute like her. That's the stupid thing about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
chuffinalong · 13/03/2015 19:03

I don't underestimate how much it would've hurt her feelings. She comes accross as extreamly resilliant, but that can be deseptive. Us sister in laws aren't particularly close to each other but we are all very close to our MIL, and all her sons. We spend quite a lot of time at her house.

OP posts:
Iamatotalandutteridiot · 13/03/2015 19:05

Look, you (in an ideal world) shouldn't have written what you did. She (in an ideal world) shouldn't have read those messages.

It's not an ideal world.

Shit happens.

The question is... do you truly believe what you wrote or was it in a fit of peek? If the former, leave it, stay unfriended, be polite in public and just leave each other alone... If the latter, have a chat with her, say you didn't mean it, blame FB, reading out of context and then leave it there.

Nomama · 13/03/2015 19:11

So, she will know that her initial comments hurt your feelings. She will know the chronology and you probably mentioned why you were so pissed off.

So she too has a bit of humble pie to consider eating.

You have been given an easy out. BIL has spoken to you and asked for a line to be drawn. You could do that, most people would, for a quiet life.

Or you could ask her to have a sit down chat and explain that you went way OTT because you were angered by her comments and totally lost your perspective. Say sorry and mean it.

Her having read your messages is really neither here nor there now... she did and got herself bitten. In a perfect world she will also apologise, for the initial comments and for snooping!

But I don't envy you, whichever way you choose to go! Good luck

Original poster
chuffinalong · 13/03/2015 19:17

You're right. I didn't really mean what I wrote. It just got very childish, as we were just picking up on snippets we've heard and making mountains out of molehills. I have nothing against her as a person.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 13/03/2015 19:20

Are you sure you have nothing against her because making exaggerations and spreading falsehood to your mother doesn't imply so?

You better hope your mother isn't a gossip bc living in the same community, it could come back and bite you.

lastlines · 13/03/2015 19:21

You both overstepped the mark. You're both human. Not easy to put right as you are both feeling guilty and upset.

Think in your position I'd get in touch with her and say you wrote those things in the heat of anger at her perceived attack on your parenting. You are quiet normally so when you let rip you go over the top. They weren't meant for her eyes and you both know she shouldn't have read them. But, since she did, you want her to know that like most people, sometimes you think one thing about people and sometimes another. Most of the time you find her.... and then say whatever genuine nice things you can about her.

She is very much in the wrong too, so there's a fair chance she'd be graceful about it.