OMG!! My SIL has mannaged to read my private messages and seen me bitching about her! What to do now?

[chuffinalong]

Hi, this is such an awful situation. Just after Christmas my SIL relly pissedmy mum and I off by putting a rather rude comment on my facebook page regarding child rearing choices. I answewd in quite a curt way and she un-friended us both. I then private messaged my mum and we had a darn good bitching session about her, saying all kinds of things which were just speculation but we decided it was the truth, that she was a control freak and dominates her DH's every move etc, but also things like our grandmother in law could see what she ws like from the start. This was really mean, as although she didn't warm to her streight away, she did grow to love her... These sort of things were never meant to be shared with anyone other than my mum! I would never intentionally hurt anyones feelings even if they did piss me off.
She found out about all this, as I had borrowed her DH's laptop to check my FB account nd forgot to log off. She then went logged on as me, unknowingly and read my private messages. She must have read through quite a lot before getting to the bits about her and some of it was very private and probably entertaining. :-o
It's certainly taught me a lesson, but I haven't spoken to her since. (This was 3 days ago) I'm not sure what to say or how to ever look her in the eyes again. I can be such a bitch when I'm angry! This was such a shock to her as I come accross as very shy and retiering. We have a very close family, so I don't want it to cause any kind of rift between us, for my MIL's sake more than anything. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to go and see her, should I write to her or send a message? What should I say?
Thanks.

So she slated you and your mum on facebook, then defriended you.

Then you and your mum had a private conversation about it and her.

She now read your private messages to your mum and she now acting like little miss pissy pants.

And now your BIL been around saying she upset. I hope you told him tough. If she can not take people talking about her then perhaps she should not slate other people. She doesn't get to moan and be upset when she started all of this in the first place.

Thanks nomamma. It is an awful situation and it's certainly taught me a harsh lesson. I think I need to buy a punch bag or take up running... I certainly won't be bitching again behind anyone's back.

There's an old saying:

'Eavesdroppers rarely hear good about themselves'

...which roughly translates as, if you're the kind of person who snoops, youre probably not exactly the most perfect specimen yourself... So you're likely to hear a few home truths!

Don't apologise. Look her in the eye - or send a straight-talking email- saying that you too would agree that you should move on. That just like her, you want to keep family closeness more than you want to feel anger at the bad treatment...her the snooping, you the bitching. That you're angry that she deliberately read your private conversations and you're sure you'll take a while to forget that...just as she will with the bitching. However, you're sorry she was hurt...just as you're sure she regrets snooping. Fifty fifty. Let's move on.

mynewpassion I think the point is that it already has come back to bite

Thank you, yes we were both in the wrong. She's seen me in a whole new light! It was also carried on too far as well though. My mum would message me saying what she'd written on BIL's page etc and what did I make of it etc. I'd then say something mean to make her laugh... It went on. I don't even like to think of it. I don't know why I do these things? Reading the messages back it doesn't even sound like me.
I will write her a message of appology as I do feel very bad about it, then that'll be that. She'll know that I was just being a bitch and hopefully she'll feel better about herself.

Yes but Its only in house and fifty fifty blame. Now if OP and her mother were spreading their falsehoods beyond them, it could be worse

It's really not fifty fifty, and OP knows she should apologise.

From the update, it seems their comments were not limited to SIL.

Sorry Mynewpassion, it skipped a page and I didn't read your comment. No, my mum would never in a million years spread a rumour. Our thoughts are kept very much between the two of us. There is no one else we would tal too like this, not even our husbands.

The messages were only about her and saying that her DH must have an awful life and we feel sorry for him... None of our buisiness I know!

I wouldn't be surprised if they both distance themselves from your tight knit family. You realise you have insulted her husband as well?
Is this your husbands sister?

I think its her husband's brother and his wife.

Maybe send her a card to say sorry that she saw the messages you wrote to your mum...it was just a bit of silly messaging to your mum and you didn't mean her to be upset and want yo draw a line under it...forget and move on. You value her as a sister in law and life is too short. Fingers crossed it will all pass as time is a great thing for stuff like that...

Lol most of us have been there I once text a friend at uni that she was a bitch by mistake....she was though lol. I apologised and said I was upset with her actions and we moved on,,,,,she was a bitch again though lol and we aren't friends anymore ;)

Good luck xxx

Some of these answers are bizarre. You wouldn't be saying its silly messages or harmless fun if it was you someone was pulling apart and dissecting your life and relationships, as well as exaggerating and being purposefully cruel.

Would you think these kind of messages were acceptable if it was your children slagging off others behind their backs? It's not ok because its two grown women talking about someone they pretend to like, its worse.

You could use it to start again.
Say, well now you know how we have felt, I'd there anything she would like to get off her chest?

Talk openly about the kind of relationship you would like with her/her with you, and steps to get there.

It may be that she doesn't want much of a relationship (polite, pleasant brief-fine) or would like to be closer...

What would you like?
It can't really get worse, but could be a real positive in the foundation of complete honesty...it's not what we say, it's how we say it.
Can you reframe what you have said?
'When I said you were a miserable cow it was because that day we were out you seemed to x y x'