A bit of advice on "modern dating" for a newbie please?

[britneyspearscatsuit]

I have been single just over a year after a very long term relationship.

Have only ever had two proper relationships both long term and I find myself in my late thirties "dating" for the first time in my life and finding it all a bit confusing.

I think I was a bit spoiled in those relationships because from day one it was just easy. I've never experienced waiting by the phone or wondering if someone liked me.

I have been trying online dating and have had a few dates but haven't felt that spark yet.

I am now in the midst of contact with one I like very much (not had a date yet but one lined up, my fault as I was away on business for 3 weeks) but just had a few questions about "modern dating" and the way things are done so I don't make a fool of myself...

1. If the guy is blowing hot and cold a bit on you does this mean he's not really interested? He seemed dead keen at first but definitely goes quiet here and there for a couple of days and then pops back.

2. I am very open and show it if I like someone and act very keen...should I not be doing this?

3. If a man's behavior is a bit confusing (hot and cold) is it a bad sign that he's going to mess you around?

4. With the right person, is it just supposed to be "easy" without any angst? I can't help feeling put off this man I have not yet met because I cbf trying to work out what someone is thinking when they don't just explain.

I just don't know whether to bother pursuing things with this particular man because I like him very much and he says he feels the same but actions don't always seem to match up.

I am also not really sure what to expect from dating in general. I was working off the basis that if people like you they pursue you and court you but I am finding that might not always be the case?

Any general dating advice? I feel I am really easy when I am dealing with men, very confident and happy person but I am just lacking the ability to understand quite how it's meant to work and don't want to waste my time on someone not into me.

Should I go on the date if I am not sure he is that bothered? He says he is but then blows cold.

Can you define blowing 'cold' ?

If you mean just busy with life and not replying much then maybe the message is Theres not really room for a relationship ?

If he's deliberately avoiding - well that's just manipulative tosser territory ...

I mean by hot and cold that on some days I get a lot of messages, very interesting and warm and I feel like I really like him and and other times 2 - 3 days goes by with no contact and I know he is not "too busy" because he's frequently online.

I personally find inconsistency like that very confusing!

In the quiet days, I have tried messaging him and if I do he responds in seconds and starts conversation but he just does not instigate.

Almost like talking to two diferrent people? I get a sense he might be talking to multiple people? (he says not)

"With the right person, is it just supposed to be "easy" without any angst?"

I would say yes; that's how I would like it to be now. I know that relationships can have ups and downs, but these days I will only be looking for a woman that I get on easily with.

I think what is really bothering me is that the two times in my life I have really liked someone, I have been very clear that they liked me back and on this occasion I don't know.

I have not met him yet, so I could be jumping the gun, but I'm a bit scared of walking into this date all starry eyed and feeling there's a potential future if he's not serious.

To make it clear, he has said he feels the same, he has very much said he's very excited about the date and can't wait for it and feels there is a future but at the same time I'm confused over whey he doesn't text for a few days if he feels that way.

All the other men I am chatting to check in with me daily, and yet this one doesn't.

You won't know anything really until you meet him though.

No harm in being excited about the date (I used to look forward to dates when I did online dating), but don't get your hopes up yet because probably all it is so far is the anticipation of what you want to happen.

Face to face meet ups are the best indicator of whether things might work out.

It is pointless to go down the "we may have a future", ooh he's texted me, he's so lovely etc etc before actually meeting. I know this from bitter experience People can come across really well online and he hideous/boring in RL.

I'd keep it very light until you do actually meet him. Don't get your hopes up. Hope the date goes brilliantly though.

Do you think maybe that's why he blows hot and cold? Because he wants to wait to meet before getting too close?

I am going to have to bite the bullet and go on this date. I am just so nervous I almost feel like cancelling. Have never been so nervous.

This bloody trip and my schedule means it would have been 7 weeks from when we first started talking to when we actually meet which feels like such a lot of pressure :(

In between times should I just be light and breezy and fine with the on / off contact?

Seven weeks is quite a long time before meeting. I used to like to meet up after about a week if possible because it helps stop your mind getting involved too much dreaming things up.

Definitely don't cancel (unless genuine reason like illness); you'll only regret bottling out and even if the date ends up really crap and embarrasing, at least afterwards you'll have some experience of dating which you can use to make the next one better.

Yes I know! It's been far too long and the timing has created all the pressure in my head.

The first three weeks I was chatting to multiples and very busy, he asked me out and I said "no thank you". Then one night I started to chat to him (hadn't found him interesting before as he's quite shy and reserved and I am quite confident and noisy) and I found myself really liking him and agreed to a date but had a work trip come up and it had to wait until afterwards.

While I was away we just ended up chatting so much that I just started to like him more and more and like you said got all that silly dreaminess happening to me and really want to dampen that down because I know it's ridiculous and silly with someone I have not even met.

Now I have a wedding at the weekend so it wont be until NEXT weekend I can actually see him.

I have become emotionally invested before meeting him, so I am probably quite silly for doing that.

I would regret bottling it but now feel like it's just been such a long time it's almost too long.

It is highly likely you are one of a few he is chatting to hence the blowing hot and cold. He could already be dating but not exclusive with anyone yet. There is a lot of choice with OD!!!

You don't know you like each other as you haven't met. Nothing means anything u til after you've met. Prolonged online chatter isn't a good thing. You've had reasons for the delay, but really a few chats then meet up asap. Otherwise you build an idea of someone then the real them can be quite different.

Can you not meet mid week?

And he WILL be chatting to several women. He hasn't met you yet so won't want to put his eggs in on basket, perhaps not even after several dates with you.

Okay, so I should not be pissed off or in any way offended that he is chatting to other girls?

Make a first date an hour meet up for a coffee. Depending how that goes, arrange a proper date.

Can you not spare an hour one evening or lunch time?

You're both free to chat to who you want! You've not met yet...

Internet dating works best when you're chatting to a few people anyway. It's s numbers game - some will disappear, some will chat then disappear when you mention meeting up, others you won't have much in common with...

Exchange a few messages, establish if you've got a few things in common, suggest meeting, quick phone call, arrange to meet for a coffee... max 1-2 weeks from first contact.

Can't meet up before next weekend. He's on nights, I am on days and we're an hour apart so it will be a week on Saturday.

I can see OD is fine for chatting to multiple people but maybe when it's been six weeks and you've gotten to phonecalls and talking about stuff that's quite intimate it feels a bit weird to me he's chatting to others- even if we've not met.

Maybe I should do the same so I don't feel so pissed off.

I think you should, it's easy to get over invested but you haven't even met him yet, he could be totally different in real life.

Keep it light hearted at this stage.

I am over-invested!

Until you've met (and even beyond potentially) there's no reason you both shouldn't be meeting other people. Long drawn out build-ups to a first date are not a good idea with OD.

Add on to the fact that you turned him down when he first approached you, and he's not going to putting all his eggs in one basket!

You need to chat to loads of people. Have a bunch of quick coffee dates with a few people. Don't be talking intimately to anyone yet. The person you're talking to isn't 'real' yet. Do you want to get involved with someone an hour away who does nights?

Okay, I just made a date with someone else for Tuesday for a drink, hopefully to help me calm down a bit.

Does feel a bit weird.

Am I supposed to mention it? He has asked if I had dates with others planned and I said no and he said he was not going to have any until we've met.

I do feel with him not contacting for 2 - 3 days at a time he's sending mixed messages though.

You need to have other dates so you don't overthink about just one person. And no you don't mention it. Why would you? If he's been online dating a while he can probably tell you're inexperienced. He probably knows if he doesn't talk to you for a couple of days you'll be right there waiting when he does say hi.

Can I just ask...it's been 6 days now with no communication from him at all. I sent him a text yesterday to open a conversation and to make a joey comment about not hearing from him and he replied a one line text to say everything was fine?!!! Then nothing.

I am to assume that he's:

a) Lost interest

b) Has switched interest to someone else?

If that's the case, am I supposed to just leave him alone now. And what do I do if he ever gets in contact again?

Am I supposed to act like nothing happened and still go on the date, or am I supposed to say "piss off" because he's basically blanked me with no explanation.

Seems to odd to wait almost two months for a date and be in such close touch only to blank that person right at the finish line?

He is my facebook friend and I did notice he added a very attractive younger woman in his area as a friend a couple of days ago. Probably dating her now and keeping me in the background as a backup?

Feeling really disappointed!

forget about him. delete him from your Facebook friends. don't waste any more time and headspace on it.

i think wise tips to remember are what PP have said on here, meet them quickly e.g. within a week or so of chatting online. people are very very different IRL compared to their online self. don't go on a date, meet for coffee first. if you both like each other, arrange another evening date.

sorry but you do sound over-invested in this and I think its best to keep things light until you at least meet them IRL and take it from there. 7 weeks of this build-up and you don't know this person at all other than what they have chosen to disclose to you. I wouldn't be talking about 'a future' with someone I had never met let alone add them to my FB friends list.

"If that's the case, am I supposed to just leave him alone now. And what do I do if he ever gets in contact again?"

• yes just ignore him from now on and esp if he gets in contact again.

"Am I supposed to act like nothing happened and still go on the date, or am I supposed to say "piss off" because he's basically blanked me with no explanation."

• nothing has happened. You've not even met him. It's easy to respond to messages online esp if you are registered on a dating site.

"Seems to odd to wait almost two months for a date and be in such close touch only to blank that person right at the finish line?"

• the key point is that HE hasn't been waiting almost two months for a date. You have. There is no finish line, you hadn't even started. Although I can appreciate you thought that by being in contact that something had started. He probably has a load of women he is messaging to see who 'bites' and if you haven't been available for 7 weeks, then you are not high on the priority list is my guess. Why not read the dating thread on here for some tips to help you in future.