A bit of advice on "modern dating" for a newbie please?

[britneyspearscatsuit]

I have been single just over a year after a very long term relationship.

Have only ever had two proper relationships both long term and I find myself in my late thirties "dating" for the first time in my life and finding it all a bit confusing.

I think I was a bit spoiled in those relationships because from day one it was just easy. I've never experienced waiting by the phone or wondering if someone liked me.

I have been trying online dating and have had a few dates but haven't felt that spark yet.

I am now in the midst of contact with one I like very much (not had a date yet but one lined up, my fault as I was away on business for 3 weeks) but just had a few questions about "modern dating" and the way things are done so I don't make a fool of myself...

1. If the guy is blowing hot and cold a bit on you does this mean he's not really interested? He seemed dead keen at first but definitely goes quiet here and there for a couple of days and then pops back.

2. I am very open and show it if I like someone and act very keen...should I not be doing this?

3. If a man's behavior is a bit confusing (hot and cold) is it a bad sign that he's going to mess you around?

4. With the right person, is it just supposed to be "easy" without any angst? I can't help feeling put off this man I have not yet met because I cbf trying to work out what someone is thinking when they don't just explain.

I just don't know whether to bother pursuing things with this particular man because I like him very much and he says he feels the same but actions don't always seem to match up.

I am also not really sure what to expect from dating in general. I was working off the basis that if people like you they pursue you and court you but I am finding that might not always be the case?

Any general dating advice? I feel I am really easy when I am dealing with men, very confident and happy person but I am just lacking the ability to understand quite how it's meant to work and don't want to waste my time on someone not into me.

Should I go on the date if I am not sure he is that bothered? He says he is but then blows cold.

I have also found out the hard way that long conversations on the phone (in the olden days) into the night don't necessarily add up to a spark or a relationship when you meet them.

You have received the right advice- don't chat so much before you have met, you need to meet to see if there's even the slightest hint of potential, and don't get too invested over one or two dates.

It is hard out there, my last friend who did OD used to date for a while, then stop for a few months, just to recover a bit.

I have to psyche myself up for online dating chat. And time it for my child free weekends. I've met a few, nice men but not the right man.

But I always do the "ooh, maybe he's just my ticket" build up thoughts in my head.
The advice here is great

Thanks all. Okay. I'll take all the advice. I do travel a bit with work but if I ever have this situation again I'll keep messages light and breezy.

FYI though, this particular man did say he was not seeing anyone else, and he actually hid his dating profile to demonstrate he was very interested in waiting for me to get home and see how things went.

Bit surprised at the lack of honesty, but I suppose I was obviously led up the merry garden path.

He didn't seem like a liar at all. Very annoying.

It seems as if he just couldn't keep up the momentum. It's a long time to just text/chat online without meeting and to keep the excitement going. Fizzling out is something you will get used to if you do a lot of online dating.

6 days is a long time to not hear from him. Just leave it and move on.

aw poor you OP you sound very sincere, I think it sounds like this guy is a seasoned ODer and that he said the right things to keep you on board. I hope you meet someone lovely soon.

Thanks Botanic.

Bruised but not broken, just a little down as I'm a bit lonely. End of LTR was a long while back and I've met so many men since and not felt that spark and with this one I was feeling it for the first time really.

He chased after me, so I suppose it's just indigence that he went to all that bother. Six bloody weeks of texts and calls and wanting to get to know me. Just seems OTT for someone playing the field.

I suppose the imagination just runs away with itself and it was nice to have something to look forward to.

Are you sure he hid his profile? Did he not just block you so you can't see him on there?

No, I can still see him if I search by username, but he comes up in no searches. Definitely hidden. He said he was taking it off because he wasn't a serial dater, was only interested in me and was absolutely sure about it.

What totally bonkers behavior.

Unless he has something else going on in his life...like an ex?

Leave him. I know a hot and cold person in a non-romantic sense and they can be a nightmare. Go by actions not words.

I know nothing about OD, so I am probably wrong here, but I don't see that there would be anything wrong with keeping the date you have already arranged. If I were you, I might still want to meet this guy.

I agree with everyone that you do need to protect yourself by not getting too involved before you have met someone.

I also think you need to meet him. You'll spend ages thinking what if otherwise.
But go with a detached air! Be Breezy!

Who usually initiates contact, or is it about 50:50?

I was just wondering whether the long silences might be him realising that he's been texting you daily and it might be time to back off a bit.

Or maybe, if you've been the one delaying things - as with your work trip - he thinks you might be making excuses or stringing him along?

But then I do always want to see the best in people, am very naive and gullible, and would be eaten alive on OD!

A first date for OLD is not a real date. It is a "date zero" because it is a first meeting - just to check each other out, see if there is a click/chemistry/that they actually are 6ft tall/not obese etc etc.

It's a two way thing. If you like each other then, and arrange a further meeting - that is the real first date - because it is not a sight-unseen meeting.

You need to treat date zeros as what they are - an assessment interview basically. And remember that anyone who is doing OLD is likely to be doing lots of these assessment interviews. It would be very very weird to stop chatting to others just based on a photo and some emails.

You should not be saying 'I really like him' about men you haven't even met...
Keep dating others

nequidismis I guess it was always him that said good morning to me and then that meant throughout the day I texted him freely with what I was doing and we went back and forth. I suppose I am the more confident / forward one and he's a bit more laid back.

He didn't text good morning once or twice, so I stopped messaging throughout the day and now it's like a Mexican stand-off with no one messaging anyone. 7 days and counting.

I don't want to text him because I just have a vibe from the lack of contact that he's met someone else or something.

I think you can like someone you haven't met. I agree you can't tell a lot of things in terms of chemistry, but definitely we've exchanged about 10 dates worth of conversation, video chatted and know a lot about each other, so I do think I can say I like him.

I like him more / know him better than a lot of the people I have actually dated face to face.

You shouldn't have to work so hard to get a communication out of a guy. Modern or not. If you feel he is too confusing, then I would drop him and move on.

Mm I get that you like him- just be careful - you don't know him.

You wanted advice on modern dating? Meet them before you fall for them.