Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does she do this on purpose?

42 replies

jessmay · 12/03/2015 10:05

My oldest friend seems to often do things, little things, to sabotage me.

I feel awful saying that because she is also incredibly loving and supportive but these little things seem to have always happened.

Most recently, I quite liked someone I am tentatively dating and I am in the "playing it cool" phase. He'd gone quiet after a few days with no calls and I was really hoping to hear from him again.

Chatted to my friend on the phone and told her I was tentatively dating someone and she asked who he was so she could have a peek at him. I gave her his name but told her if he went to check him out to make sure she didn't click anything, and she "accidentally" added him as a friend on Facebook. Making me appear over-keen, and a bit stalkerish!

All totally embarrassing but I don't understand how you "accidentally" send someone a friend request on Facebook when someone told you specifically not to click on anything.

Is there a chance this sort of thing is on purpose or am I being paranoid?

OP posts:
AmyElliotDunne · 12/03/2015 10:11

Even if you do accidentally click on it I'm pretty sure you can withdraw the friend request. Sounds like your 'friend' is a stirrer!

Original poster
jessmay · 12/03/2015 10:13

She said she didn't realise. The first I knew of it was a text from him asking who she was and why she'd friended him. Really mortifying...

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 12/03/2015 10:14

It's just not the first time, that's all and I am starting to wonder why she would do that and not be more careful knowing it is important to me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 10:14

On the strength of one thing it's tough to say whether she's acting maliciously or just being thoughtless. If she's generally loving and supportive, it's probably the latter. I'm not sure how her adding this person as a facebook friend makes you look like a stalker... Hmm but would suggest you keep your private life a lot more private in future if she tends to put her foot in it.

PintofCiderPlease · 12/03/2015 10:16

If it's not the first time she's done something like this, then she is either doing it on purpose, or just doesn't care enough to care NOT to do it.

Next time, be careful with the information you give her. With friends like this, who needs enemies.....

Original poster
jessmay · 12/03/2015 10:20

just doesn't care enough to care NOT to do it.

Yes, I think that's more what I meant than her deliberately trying to screw me over.

I mean, she never does stuff like this with her own boyfriends, but she does have a habit with mine. She sent my ex texts from my phone when we split up. I mean, she was trying to be supportive but also undermining me.

I do think that if I'd been on a three dates with someone and not called them for a few days and one of their friends added me on Facebook I'd most definitely think they were a bit over-keen and probably talking about me Cogito. That's all.

OP posts:
BubblesInMyBath · 12/03/2015 10:27

She sounds like the sort of friend who is toxic to your relationships. Enjoy her company, stay friends - but don't tell her any details at all in future.

pocketsaviour · 12/03/2015 10:31

"She sent my ex texts from my phone when we split up."

If one of my friends did this, they would no longer be my friend.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 10:33

How old are you both? And is she very, very bored that she feels this need to play matchmaker?

cozietoesie · 12/03/2015 10:37

Some people like/are used to drama in their lives and can actually become addicted to it - so if there's none around, they'll try to stir a little into the pot.

They're not usually worthwhile friends to have in the long term, OP.

Original poster
jessmay · 12/03/2015 10:37

That's it, nearly 40! I could understand it when we were 15 but it seems a bit bloody old now.

I don't think she is trying to play matchmaker. Right before she did it I told her he had cooled a lot towards me, and that I was pulling right away to give him space and play it much more cool and then she did that, which completely undermined what I was trying to do and made me look even more keen.

I agree the probably solution is to completely not discuss love life things with her. She is a great friend, but it just grinds me down.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2015 10:43

She's a meddler. She sounds bored.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/03/2015 10:45

She sent my ex texts from my phone when we split up.

That would be enough for me to not share anything with her that might jeopardise a budding relationship.

Original poster
jessmay · 12/03/2015 10:50

Yes, I know that was very upsetting during a bad breakup. I think she thinks it's funny actually, which it really isn't.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 12/03/2015 10:50

.....She is a great friend, but it just grinds me down.....

Read the contradiction in that statement.

Why do you think she's a 'great friend'? She doesn't sound like one to me.

blueberrypie0112 · 12/03/2015 10:52

I don't know, but I did accidentally hit friend request couple times on my phone and didn't acknowledge it. (I was looking through of "friend suggestions") I apologized and explained what happened.

blueberrypie0112 · 12/03/2015 10:54

If she done other things, I say she did it on purpose.

HellonHeels · 12/03/2015 10:56

Somone who uses your phone to text your former partner while you're in the middle of a breakup with them is most certainly NOT a great friend. That's an appalling thing to do.

Original poster
jessmay · 12/03/2015 11:12

No, I know, but it's difficult because what was ok at 15 is not ok at 40 and it's hard to change things

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 12/03/2015 11:19

Could it be that you've changed and matured and she hasn't? Sometimes it's not possible to 'change things' and it's best to ease quietly out of a former relationship - although you might wish to have a talk with her and explain that you don't think that what she did was appropriate. (But still not vouchsafe any details of certain aspects of your personal life to her in future.)

shovetheholly · 12/03/2015 11:23

OP - I would ask her your title question, very directly and firmly, but gently and kindly at the same time.

She may just enjoy the drama, but it's important that she realises this is jeopardising your friendship.

Original poster
jessmay · 12/03/2015 11:27

I'm not going to "out" the friendship because she's like a sister to me and I love her, but I agree with what another poster said and that's to just not give her any details on my love life because it's only in this one area we have an issue.

OP posts:
SilenceInTheLibrary · 12/03/2015 11:27

Ooh, I had a friend like this at uni. I still don't know why she did it Hmm

I just wrote one incident out, but I've deleted, because it sounded so pathetic! It was, I'm convinced, quite deliberate sabotage though.

Original poster
jessmay · 12/03/2015 11:32

Yes I am too. She split up a mini relationship last year by sending him a message on Facebook. I think it was on the lines of accusing him of chatting to other girls. All horribly childish but made it look like it was ME. Urgh, hideous.

OP posts:
cailindana · 12/03/2015 11:40

Could she be in love with you? I had a sabotaging friend and I think she did it because she didn't want to share me. When I met my DH she went off the deep end entirely - it was clear that she felt I belonged to her and I was "leaving" her for DH! I had to extricate myself from the friendship - it had become really unhealthy. We're since back in touch in more casual way and she's grown up a lot. She's not had any relationships since though. She hasn't come out as gay and I'm not sure she even is gay, but it was pretty clear she had an unhealthy attachment to me and the sabotaging was a way of acting that out. She wasn't malicious - it was like she couldn't help herself.