Does she do this on purpose?

[jessmay]

My oldest friend seems to often do things, little things, to sabotage me.

I feel awful saying that because she is also incredibly loving and supportive but these little things seem to have always happened.

Most recently, I quite liked someone I am tentatively dating and I am in the "playing it cool" phase. He'd gone quiet after a few days with no calls and I was really hoping to hear from him again.

Chatted to my friend on the phone and told her I was tentatively dating someone and she asked who he was so she could have a peek at him. I gave her his name but told her if he went to check him out to make sure she didn't click anything, and she "accidentally" added him as a friend on Facebook. Making me appear over-keen, and a bit stalkerish!

All totally embarrassing but I don't understand how you "accidentally" send someone a friend request on Facebook when someone told you specifically not to click on anything.

Is there a chance this sort of thing is on purpose or am I being paranoid?

It sounds like there's a lot of 'unfortunate incidents' that seem to just happen - I would be boiling mad at even one of them.

How did she explain the sending of a msg on FB to one of your bf's? A slip of the finger?

"She sent my ex texts from my phone when we split up."

"that was very upsetting during a bad breakup. I think she thinks it's funny actually, which it really isn't."

Why would she think it's funny? Did you tell her she'd upset you?

"she's like a sister to me and I love her"
Some of our fraughtest relationships are with our sisters. It should mean that she's close enough to you to, frankly, rip her head off about fucking about with your romantic relationships, and still be friends at the end of it. Would that be the case here? Have you ever told her off for doing these things?

Ha ha, no she's not gay! She's also otherwise an amazing friend.

Yes, she is close enough for me to rip her fucking head off and still be friends at the end, she's like family, and sometimes the relationship is fraught.

Her response to this by text was:

"Don't be ridiculous its not my fault, you have a nutty friend!!! All I did was send a sodding request xxx"

It's like she dismisses me telling her it's not okay by telling me I am making a drama out of nothing.

How did she explain the sending of a msg on FB to one of your bf's? A slip of the finger?

She was drunk.

"It's not my fault" just about sums it up, doesn't it? How ridiculous. An alien didn't take over her body and do a friend request or write a message to your bf. I would hate someone meddling in my life like this, I really would. Surely this is the last straw?

If you want to keep the friendship, I would honestly sit her down and say that if she once more meddles in your private life, that'll be it for the friendship because it's not on. If she dismisses you or rubbishes what you say, I couldn't stay friends because she is untrustworthy. There is only so many chances you can give someone, friend or not.

Yes she does it on purpose.

Distance yourself, completely. Yes you love her. Yes she loves you. You also serve a purpose for her, and that is to make herself feel a bit powerful. You have a dysfunctional relationship, essentially - slightly emotionally abusive. She can do these kinds of things to you, which she'd never dare to do to anyone else, because they'd go mad and drop her... because she knows that you'll get your annoyance out by going mad, but you won't drop her. It's exactly like siblings - you can treat them in ways you'd never treat anyone else, use them to take out your frustrations or dare to show your less salubrious side - because the bond is strong enough to 'take it'.

Except it isn't. She isn't a good friend, just a very close friend who's abusing that closeness. She is doing you NO GOOD - as well as sabotaging things for you.

Keep her as a friend if you want, but change your relationship. Don't tell her about stuff. Don't tell her about dating, relationships. AT ALL. Stop letting her in. She will notice - and when she asks, you can give a big grin and say, 'Well, don't you think that's safer for you? I mean, if I'd told you about X when I started seeing him, I'm sure there'd have been a terrible facebook accident, or maybe the odd text sent from my phone, you know, something totally accidental but strangely always embarrassing for me? Just think of it as me saving you from yourself, hey? (grin)'

She'll click. And hopefully learn a lesson that you may not drop her, but you're prepared to demote her, emotionally.

Why does she do it? Because she needs to have a whipping boy, for whatever reason - maybe she has low self esteem, maybe slight jealousy of others (not necessarily you, but probably) - she has frustrations which she wants to take out on someone. And you'll take it.

Stop taking it.

Sorry the 3 incidences you have outlined would make me very paranoid. I don't think it is possible to exclude very close friends from your romantic relationship i.e. They are bound to run into your with your new boyfriend relatively soon. It is possible to keep acquaintances at arms length and to be honest I would be relegating your friend to that category based on her destructive behaviour to date.

Thanks for those responses. I do have a gut feeling it is deliberate.

She lives far away so its actually easy to continue the friendship without actually involving her in my love life.

I suppose what annoys me more is that she's not even sorry and tells me I am being ridiculous.

.....I suppose what annoys me more is that she's not even sorry and tells me I am being ridiculous......

If I had become very very mellow one evening and had done something mean and intrusive to a friend - which I hope I wouldn't because caring for that person's well-being should be so instinctive to me - then I would apologize profusely at their upset and ensure that I never became mellow with their affairs again.

I agree - not apologizing and poo-pooing your reaction is showing real disregard for you. I'd seriously circumscribe any involvement she had with anything that mattered to me in the future. At the least. (Myself, I would probably drop her because I just can't be doing with people who I have to tip-toe around all the time because they're not trustworthy.)

jess she's the ridiculous one. It's totally out of order. I have a lifetime friend and she would only have to do this once and I would go apeshit. True friends accept your boundaries and vice versa.

You need to pick her up on this. She knows damn well you didn't want her to do it and she did it anyway. Disregarding your feelings much?

..... you may love her but she sounds like some friend. what's she trying to do, sabotage your love life?

I'd say you need to change your passwords immediately and keep her the heck away from your phone.

Are you sure you're not being taken for a fool here?

As Calamity Jane won't admit to meddling much less apologise, safer to be vague about your love life. If you love her like a sister can't you be direct with her - you may be like sisters to each other but why can't she respect your boundaries.

She's done it three times?

For the sake of your sanity, stop sharing with her.

It's like she dismisses me telling her it's not okay by telling me I am making a drama out of nothing
I suppose what annoys me more is that she's not even sorry and tells me I am being ridiculous

Sylvanian is spot on with her assessment. your friend has underlying issues and she's using you as a convenient whipping boy to take them out on. It's underhand emotional abusive behaviour - and she knows exactly what she's doing. Don't allow yourself to be fooled. she's relying on your incomprehension that 'an amazing friend' could behave like this.

i had an ex friend who used to behave like this....it was a mind fuck and after 5 years of it i finally had enough and stopped associating with her. she too was 'a great friend' in every other way (i.e she only did things that made her look good/feel better than me/could boast about)....until i realised that the price i was expected to pay for the 'great friendship' was exactly this kind of 'low level' abuse. i didn't want to call her up on it because she would be dismissive and make out that it was an 'innocent' mistake' and that i was being paranoid,and if i refused to accept her explanation she would give me the silent treatment and go round telling everyone how i was being awful to her. the straw that finally broke the abusive friendship was when i got myself a lovely boyfriend after 6 years of being single, and told her how excited i was to introduce him to our friends when we went out that night.......and as soon as we walked into the bar she pushed in front of me, grabbed hold of my boyfriend and proceeded to introduce him to our friends as her 'friend'!!!!

keep her as a friend but don't confide in anything really personal to her as she will interfere and sabotage wherever she can.

You knew exactly what she was likely to do, and she big fat went ahead and did it.

It's definitely on purpose.

Deeply, deeply annoying. She has no-one but herself to blame, now that you start distancing and withholding.