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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should you change jobs - purely just to get over someone.

28 replies

Ilovetomodell · 11/03/2015 20:55

I love my job- aside from the fact that I was with someone that works for the same company as me. He is the love of my life, I'd do anything for him, and everytime my phone 'pings' with a new email - I hope it's from him. He is married ( but we had a relationship when he was separated) but he has gone back to his wife. We keep in contact mostly through work email, and he has let me down and hurt me so many times. I want to move on and forget him and have tried, but now I am thinking the only way to do this is to leave my job, because I know then we won't contact each other again. I met him 3 years ago ffs!!! Is this a good enough reason???

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 11/03/2015 20:59

Yes! My closest friend at work has had an equally as toxic partnership with a twat gentleman at work and I keep telling her to look for another job. But, that's because she's not entirely satisfied with her job role too.

It tears her apart daily seeing him. It's impossible to get over him. If he talks to another girl in work, she's envious. It's not healthy.

If your job is one where you wouldn't mind moving from, it might not be a bad idea to move.

Original poster

Ilovetomodell · 11/03/2015 21:11

But that's the thing - my boss is great, I love what I do and it's local - the only reason I would be leaving would be to cut contact with him. I wish I was stronger- but he's just in my face - we know the same people, we're included in the same emails, I sometimes bump into him - how can I get over him?

OP posts:

Patchworkpatty · 11/03/2015 21:12

you wo t get a hard time from me , it's obviously a deep felt attachment that you hold for each other , these things happen although I'm sure you both wish it hadn't. I was in the same situation 25 yrs ago but my mm jumped my way . it's very very difficult, but the ONLY way is to be very strong. I would move jobs. cut all contact. If it is meant to be it will be.... then the issue is not the wife /husband but the children. men /women NEVER look elsewhere if they are happily ensconced, but children are a bigger issue - rightly so. As my dh said. ' I should leave because I can't live with her anymore. Not because I want to fuck someone new. He needs to decide what he really wants without you waiting in the wings... Leave , cut contact. Don't make it easy. The result will tell you the depth of feeling.

alwayslookingforsomething · 11/03/2015 21:50

The only way you are going to get over him is to leave. You can't get over someone when you are seeing them all the time. Distance is best

You are strong, you can do this

Cabrinha · 11/03/2015 22:35

You love your job.
Don't leave.
He is not the love of your life. If you had said that you loved him but it wasn't there for him, I'd possibly think leaving might be an idea.
But you said he met you down and hurt you so many times...
I think you could try counselling to work out how you can put "love" and "letting down many times" into the same box.
If you can realise that he's an arse and you can move on from those feelings for him, no need to leave your job.

Isetan · 12/03/2015 11:08

Given that it's been three years and you're still hung up on this guy, yeah I would say its time to do something different.

Giving up a job that you love might be the price for getting away from this man, only you can decide if its worth paying

Meerka · 12/03/2015 11:16

Do what works. If that means moving, move.

If you have to, make a pro and con list of staying/moving .... and weigh up honestly just how difficult it is to see this man and how much it's influenced the last three years.

Things do usually burn out in the end but it can take many years and always remain a bit sensitive/painful. Especially if you were actually together for a short time.

Bluetonic123 · 13/03/2015 14:46

I think you have to do what you think will make you happiest. There is no right or wrong here.

CheersMedea · 13/03/2015 16:10

It depends on

how much you do really love your job and
whether this man is interfering with your ability to do your job.

To help you work it out think about:

if this guy wasn't on the scene, what would be your career plan? Can you get promoted where you are? Or are you blocked in by seniors who won't leave? Would moving out and up be to your advantage? Do you want to be promoted? Are you ambitious?

do you ever find yourself not working as effectively as you might because of this man? Eg. distracted, day dreaming, going places to bump into him, avoiding places/work functions/networking opportunities to avoid him etc etc.

what is it you like about your job really? has the fact you've been involved with this man made it seem more exciting and more appealing and got you out of bed with a skip in your step because you knew you'd see him? is he keeping you there subconsciously? rather than your question about wanting to leave?

CheersMedea · 13/03/2015 16:12

Oh and what is his career path? Is he likely to leave any time in the short - medium term or it is his company/settled in until he retires?

Original poster

Ilovetomodell · 31/03/2015 21:08

I spend ages thinking about him, distracted. If he emails that's it - hours are just wasted chatting to him.

He won,t leave no way.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 31/03/2015 21:20

Start looking for another job.

You are not going to progress in this one if you are wasting hours because he emails you from time to time. And if anyone notices, you could find your reputation wrecked and the other reasons for keeping you in this job totally evaporated.

At least see what's out there. There could be posts that suit you just as well, if not better.

Discounted · 31/03/2015 21:23

How long since you split?

You say you keep in contact through work email, is that about work? If not why are you keeping in contact?

I did leave, but there were other reasons than him why it was a good thing for me to go. As you like your job, if you have no need to be in regular contact with him, cut all contact first, stop responding to his emails.

It is really hard but if you're still in regular contact then you (both) haven't really ended anything. Once you do, it will get harder for a while but then it gets easier relatively quickly.

He's being a shit to both of you if he's gone back to his wife but is still spending "hours" chatting to you.

MeerkaRIPSirTerry · 31/03/2015 21:25

In previous centuries well off people used to travel to get away from a broken heart.

I think there's some truth in that old habit, somewhere. Sometimes all you can do is remove yourself from a painful situation to allow yoruself to heal.

And agreed he's being a shit if he's spending hours chatting to you. A real shit. if he had your best interests at heart he'd cut you out for YOUR sake as well as his wife's and his own.

crazyhead · 31/03/2015 21:49

Start looking for a new job so at least you get some choices. I was in a comparable situation with a man at work. In the end he left. By the time he left it was getting better but there's no doubt never seeing him again was really really good for me so it might be your best option on balance

Original poster

Ilovetomodell · 31/03/2015 22:02

This has been going on for a couple of years. We go through periods of not being in contact and then when I think that's it - it's over, he emails me out of the blue and I don't have the strength to ignore him.
Hearing about him and his family is really really painful. I think I need to just block him out of my life completely. I'm annoyed that I have to move - but that's my fault, but it just happened, I never thought this through - doh!

OP posts:

SunnyL · 31/03/2015 22:05

I changed countries due to my ex! Best thing I ever did because 9 months later i met my husband. I was devastated to leave the country I was living in because I loved it but can't regret it because of how my life has ended up.

fuctifino · 31/03/2015 22:11

I moved jobs and 100's of miles from my family to get over an ex.
I bumped into him in town one night, a year after we'd split. Put me right back to square one, I was heart broken.
Left, never looked back and have a great dh now

Discounted · 31/03/2015 22:17

Tell him once and for all that you need to break contact. If you like, tell him that if he cares about you he needs to let you go and never get in touch again. Then get mad (but don't respond) if he dares ever to contact you again because he is treating you appallingly.

As you don't need to be in contact for work, there shouldn't be any need to leave, but start looking anyway so that you have a back up plan if you don't manage to break off contact once and for all.

Original poster

Ilovetomodell · 31/03/2015 22:25

Afew months ago a friend suggested being totally honest with him, and telling him what this was doing to me, and that it was stopping me from meeting anyone else. So I did.
For awhile there was no contact, then we were ' friends', and then we were more than friends and he was messing with my head again.

OP posts:

Discounted · 31/03/2015 22:32

Ok, so you made a good start. Tell him again and next time you need to ignore that first contact.

I also found it helpful to put all the alerts on my phone/email to silent. Then I didn't get that jolt every time the phone pinged. It's far more efficient just to check your emails a couple of times a day anyway and anyone who needs you urgently will phone if you don't respond straight away.

toffeeboffin · 06/04/2015 21:39

Yes, leave. I was in a similar situation and it has made things easier.

LividofLondinium · 07/04/2015 08:16

How about trying counselling first? Something like CBT initially to give you the tools to cope with him. I hate that when an office romance ends it always seems to be us women who suffer and leave the job. WTF should you?! Get angry with him. Tell him to never contact you again, that you don't want to stay friends. If you can block him then do so. If you have to contact each other than tell him that it must be strictly work related. Could you speak to your manager about him so you have some back-up should he try getting chummy? Try what you can before leaving your job.

dangerrabbit · 07/04/2015 08:22

What are job prospects like in your field? How easy would it be to get another job?

Isetan · 07/04/2015 08:58

Ultimately you're the one suffering so the onus is on you to close the door (and keep it closed). This man is not you're friend, he's an opportunist and he knows you well enough to know that he can still manipulate you.

You do not need his permission or cooperation for NC, if he continues to initiate contact, report him. It sounds like you're still expecting this chancer to be something he isn't, which is honorable.

OP, if you can't or won't maintain NC, then your options are to leave or to stay and put up with it.

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