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Original poster

Asking mum to cut down on shopping expenses

36 replies

TedAndLola · 11/03/2015 14:46

I didn't know where to put this since it's sort of about money but mostly about how to handle something with a relative. Let me know if it should be moved Confused.

So, my mother lives with me and my husband. She is disabled and was struggling financially with the benefit cuts, so we got a two bedroom house and invited her to live with us. It's normal in my husband's culture to live with your mother or MIL and we're all happy with the arrangement. Smile

I know that she feels guilty about not contributing financially, not that me OR my husband care, so she makes herself feel better by acting as a sort of housekeeper; she does the cleaning and shopping while we're at work and asks us for any little errands she can do.

The issue is that my credit card bill has been much higher than usual, and I've just gone through it and realised that my mum is spending about £170 a week on shopping. My husband and I used to do one online shop a week and spend £60-80. Mum bought two cats with her so I expected it to go up, but not to more than double. The issue is that, because she gets bored in the house all day and because she wants to feel useful, she goes shopping nearly every day. It's just things for the house, food and cleaning supplies and things, it's not like she's buying herself diamond shoes. It's just because, as I'm sure you all know, when you do lots of little shops instead of one big one you end up spending more because you chuck in a few impulse buys and a few treats each time.

I don't know how to bring this up with her without making her feel guilty and without taking away her "job" which makes her feel useful. I want us to start doing one online shop a week and avoiding top-ups unless it's absolutely necessary, which is what me and my husband used to do. We have done this a few times since she moved in and spent about £70-90. But if I do that she will hardly ever get out of the house AND she will start feeling more guilty about not contributing.

Another option is that we agree a budget, maybe £100, and ask her to stick to that. But then I feel like I'm treating her as an employee or someone who needs to be controlled, instead of an equal!

Can anyone think of something I can suggest she does instead of shopping? It needs to get her out of the house (she has a free bus pass because of her disability so can travel around), make her feel like she's contributing to the household (not a hobby club or anything because that would be "just" for her and not contributing to the house) and not be too strenuous?

Or maybe I should just leave it. Confused The money isn't causing us any problems, it's just reducing the amount we can save.

Any suggestions are appreciated.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2015 14:51

I don't think giving her a budget and asking her to stick to it makes her an employee. It think it's a pretty sensible way to approach the shopping and gives her a bit of guidance.

blueberrypie0112 · 11/03/2015 14:52

If it is your money, you should feel bad about giving her a budget.

peppapigonaloop · 11/03/2015 14:56

Give her a budget to stick to. She probably doesn't realise how much more than normal She is spending, mention it kindly and then see if she takes it on board...

pocketsaviour · 11/03/2015 14:57

Tell her that there are serious security issues about giving her your credit card (which is true) and give her a pre-loaded gift Visa or MasterCard instead. You can top it up online (possibly automatically) once a week or month.

She can still go out shopping every day, she just can't overspend.

newstart15 · 11/03/2015 14:58

I think it's fine to have a conversation about the costs and to say that you budget £100 per week - based on a meal plan. Could you consider having the shopping money in cash so when it's gone, it's gone?

LittleBairn · 11/03/2015 15:02

You need to have a frank conversation about what you can afford. Its unfair of her to spend as she pleases when its not her money.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2015 15:02

Put it this way.... if you've never given her a budget, you can't really complain at the amount she's spent. If she knows to keep it to around £100 she can be creative what she buys and where she buys it. Probably give her a sense of accomplishment...

LittleBairn · 11/03/2015 15:04

Surely she has some for of benefits coming in? I would look to see what might be avalible to her so she can have some independent money.

Original poster
TedAndLola · 11/03/2015 15:06

Thanks all. Smile

I might combine all these ideas and say the bank have raised security issues with my card (seeing that I'm spending on two cards in two different locations at the same time) so I'm going to have to give her cash from then on. I can take out £100 a week on my debit card and give it to her for shopping, then she can go as often as she likes but has a budget.

OP posts:
CheshireCait · 11/03/2015 15:09

It's absolutely fine to set a budget if it's your money. You shouldn't overspend and diminish your own saving ability just to make your mum feel better.

I wouldn't switch to doing the shopping online. I'd let her continue as she is but have a serious talk about how to get the best value out of the budget - she's ideally set up to shop around and get the best deals around, so could she maybe see that as a project each week?

Two cats shouldn't add much to the grocery budget, we spend €40 a month on our two for food, treats and litter.

Original poster
TedAndLola · 11/03/2015 15:11

Cross-posted...

Put it this way.... if you've never given her a budget, you can't really complain at the amount she's spent. If she knows to keep it to around £100 she can be creative what she buys and where she buys it. Probably give her a sense of accomplishment...

You're right, and I've encouraged this by being deliberately casual about money in the past. She would try and give me receipts and I'd be like don't be silly, you don't need to show me what you're spending... because I knew she felt awkward spending my money and I knew she wouldn't abuse having my credit card, at least not on purpose! I doubt she realises how much she spends.

Surely she has some for of benefits coming in? I would look to see what might be avalible to her so she can have some independent money.

Yes, she gets ESA and she uses that for her personal expenses like gifts for other people (including us!), clothes, Kindle books, etc.

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 11/03/2015 15:14

She should be contributing something, even if just towards herself and the cats food, never mind that the heating must be on all day as well.
If she wants to buy extras then she can use her own cash.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 11/03/2015 15:15

I wouldn't lie about the card! What if you need to let her use it later on? Just be honest. "whoa, mum! It's SO helpful that you get the shopping, but we need to budget a bit better. Here's £90* in cash, I'm going to give you that every week to cover the shopping but when it's gone, it's gone."

  • Give her what you want her to spend, not any more.
CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 11/03/2015 15:16

I think your solution sounds fine and fair

Twinklestein · 11/03/2015 15:16

Of course you can give her a budget as people have suggested, but I'm not sure I'd be happy with my mum doing my weekly shop for me. I would prefer to do it online myself.

I don't see why you should fork out because she needs a reason to get out of the house.

She needs to find hobbies and interests that are compatible with her disability, so that she has her own reasons to go out, rather than your giving her an artificial one, that's not doing well anyway.

If you're committed to keeping her own as your shopper, then you have to be totally upfront that costs have doubled since she took over and you can't afford it.

SugarOnTop · 11/03/2015 15:18

i understand you want to remain sensitive to her feelings whilst she wants to be 'useful' and 'pay her way' in some form (it's to do with personal pride and perfectly understandable), so why not mention to her that you want to switch back to online shopping & do something like this:

  • Set up a shopping account on the site you want to use, give her access to password etc
  • Each week sit down together and plan some meals for the week, write out the shopping list for groceries to buy, cleaning products and miscl etc
  • If it's possible then credit the account with the budget for that week, or would it be possible for you to set up an account for her to use and just transfer the weekly budget into it for her to use? either way make sure you tell her how much money is available to spend on the weeks shopping
  • Keep a 'petty cash' jar in the house for any ad hoc expenses

i know you think it would be treating her like an employee, but i doubt she would see it that way. This way everybody is on the same page with regards to what needs buying and what budget to stick to.

That just leaves the 'spare time' on her hands Smile Perhaps you could encourage her to go out and about, start some hobby classes,take part in activities that will help her have a healthy social life. She may be resistant to it to begin with but soon the boredom of not having endless shopping trips to do will kick in and she will be gently forced to do something about it Grin

Original poster
TedAndLola · 11/03/2015 15:18

She should be contributing something, even if just towards herself and the cats food, never mind that the heating must be on all day as well.
If she wants to buy extras then she can use her own cash.

She doesn't have the heating on because it makes her feel bad Sad. It's set to come on at 4:30 so it's warm when me and husband gets home.

The cats are a bit tricky... Ted was actually mine, I got him when I was 15, and when I moved out I couldn't take him with me so he stayed with her. So he's kind of my responsibility anyway. And Lola was my brother's but she's terrified of men so she came to live with us, and has only just learned to tolerate my husband!

She does buy us things from her own money Smile

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 11/03/2015 15:19

I agree, don't lie. Lies always get found out, and she'll know it's bollocks. Just be upfront.

Original poster
TedAndLola · 11/03/2015 15:19

Sorry I can't keep up with all of the replies! I'm reading them all and very grateful Smile

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 11/03/2015 16:05

She sounds lovely just give her a budget and tell her to put the heating on, she must be freezing !!

peppapigonaloop · 11/03/2015 16:13

I don't see the harm in the lie especially as she is clearly already really sensitive to the fact that she is costing you money..
You sound lovely and as though you are really trying to make her comfortable.
Do agree though that you shouldn't let her carry on overspending as she has been!

Debinaround · 11/03/2015 16:23

I would lie too. She would be mortified if she thought she was spending so much money.

If you give her cash every week she can make her own budget.

You, your husband and your mam sound lovely by the way. Flowers

Chillyegg · 11/03/2015 16:35

I'd do the cash thing and say about your card and a security issue. To save her feelings.

I'd also make a big fuss and make her feel important give her jobs to do that are hers so she feels she has a role in the house.
I'm not saying treat her like a servant or an employee just try and make her feel important which I'm sure you do. I can't think of any really good examples unfortunately.

livefastlove · 11/03/2015 16:35

I think giving her cash is a good way too, if you are not brilliant with money having the cash there helps you to work out how much you are spending. Shopping every day can work if you are careful and look out for bargains. She could also help you save money by doing a bit of home cooking and baking. Also I do think it would be a good idea to see if there are some clubs she could go to, such as an over 50s club, knitting club or whatever.

TheRollingCrone · 11/03/2015 16:49

Ted you and your dh both sound lovely. Thanks

I,ve nothing useful to add, but I think I,d go with the £100 a week thing. It's so easy to make older people feel diminished unintentionally.