Asking mum to cut down on shopping expenses

[TedAndLola]

I didn't know where to put this since it's sort of about money but mostly about how to handle something with a relative. Let me know if it should be moved .

So, my mother lives with me and my husband. She is disabled and was struggling financially with the benefit cuts, so we got a two bedroom house and invited her to live with us. It's normal in my husband's culture to live with your mother or MIL and we're all happy with the arrangement.

I know that she feels guilty about not contributing financially, not that me OR my husband care, so she makes herself feel better by acting as a sort of housekeeper; she does the cleaning and shopping while we're at work and asks us for any little errands she can do.

The issue is that my credit card bill has been much higher than usual, and I've just gone through it and realised that my mum is spending about £170 a week on shopping. My husband and I used to do one online shop a week and spend £60-80. Mum bought two cats with her so I expected it to go up, but not to more than double. The issue is that, because she gets bored in the house all day and because she wants to feel useful, she goes shopping nearly every day. It's just things for the house, food and cleaning supplies and things, it's not like she's buying herself diamond shoes. It's just because, as I'm sure you all know, when you do lots of little shops instead of one big one you end up spending more because you chuck in a few impulse buys and a few treats each time.

I don't know how to bring this up with her without making her feel guilty and without taking away her "job" which makes her feel useful. I want us to start doing one online shop a week and avoiding top-ups unless it's absolutely necessary, which is what me and my husband used to do. We have done this a few times since she moved in and spent about £70-90. But if I do that she will hardly ever get out of the house AND she will start feeling more guilty about not contributing.

Another option is that we agree a budget, maybe £100, and ask her to stick to that. But then I feel like I'm treating her as an employee or someone who needs to be controlled, instead of an equal!

Can anyone think of something I can suggest she does instead of shopping? It needs to get her out of the house (she has a free bus pass because of her disability so can travel around), make her feel like she's contributing to the household (not a hobby club or anything because that would be "just" for her and not contributing to the house) and not be too strenuous?

Or maybe I should just leave it. The money isn't causing us any problems, it's just reducing the amount we can save.

Any suggestions are appreciated.

Well, £170 is quite a jump from what you were spending, but perhaps you are a being a bit unrealistic with only allowing an extra £20 or £30 per week. 2 pets and an extra adult who is home for all 3 meals a day adds up. Cash may be the solution but what happens when she runs out of money?

Hello Ted

Does MIL pay some of the bills ? if so why cant she have the heating on ?

Does MIL contribute other set amounts of money for living costs ?

if she does the food extra spend should not matter too much

Some credit cards offer cash back see www.moneysavingexpert.com

Can MIL volunteer, join knit & knatter club, WI, library, swimming pool ?

re hobby - doing competitions? She might win stuff for the house?
If she wants to contribute, is there a task or job that she's ok with? Eg despite her arthritis, my mum genuinely likes ironing - it's actually ok on her hands, the she lies the warmth and watching TV while she irons.

Could you ask her to do the meal-planning herself?

I'd go with £90 cash.

Can she volunteer at Cats Protection, they need people to socialise shy cats and clean out / help etc? Do the local Hospice Shops need a hand ? She needs a social club too I would think, does the Church have social groups too ? Your local Age Concern will have a load of stuff re hobbies, clubs, coffee mornings, gardening clubs, cinema clubs going off ours! She must get quite lonely?

The budget thing makes sense, she has to realise you all have financial limits and that she needs to get out more.

Agree she needs to get out and socialise.

My Nana used to have a lady come visit her just for a chat a couple of times a week when she was housebound, could she do something like that?

Is she religious? Could she volunteer at her church?

I think your mum sounds a bit isolated. Are there any places she can help out and socialise? Helping do the teas and coffees at a toddler group, or helping at a food bank, or reading to little kid groups at the library, or befriending at an oap community centre etc..

I think you could easily infer that she could help you lots by helping you budget. You don't have to mention the overspend and can look forwards by working out a yearly/monthly/weekly budget and being thankful that she takes so much pressure off you both.

We spend 100 a week on a family of 6 with one cat so it's doable comfortably

OP you've had lots of tips on budgets etc. You describe mum as disabled and on esa, it would be worth checking out what else she might be able to claim such as PIP. CAB or Turn2us.org.UK are good sources of information.