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Original poster

Dating Profile?

40 replies

Longdistancenerves · 10/03/2015 23:16

My friend has had issues and recently found her fella had a dating profile despite then being together. To prove to her not all men are like that I googled DPs old dating profile name and a profile appeared, recently updated as it mentions lent this year. This profile was not there 3 days ago when I googled it out of my own curiosity (hence why I was so confident to show my friend!)

I texted him (no answer on mobile and we live two hours apart) and he replied he'd been writing to an old friend he used to know and the profile was on the way down- it vanished within minutes. I asked about us and he said nothing has changed and he's sorry he upset me. He said he still likes me, and he said sorry over and over. Wishes I'd not googled as I've now damaged my trust in him (I was cheated on in previous relationship so trust is low).

What do I do? Could he be genuine? I am hoping to see him at the weekend as planned to see what is what in person, but am I foolish to trust him?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 23:36

he still likes you?..... Talk about being damned with faint praise.... Hmm The trouble with trust is that, once broken, it doesn't matter how often the person apologises or how much evidence they put in front of you. They've lost credibility. I don't know much about online dating profiles ... if you're writing to an old friend, don't you just use their e-mail address? How long have you been going out?

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/03/2015 23:41

he replied he'd been writing to an old friend he used to know

Why not text, whatsapp or email rather than revive and update a dating profile?

Sortmylifeout · 10/03/2015 23:46

I don't know what you mean by 'the profile was on the way down' sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2015 23:51

It means that when he got the text from the OP, and after he'd regained control of his sphincter, he quickly closed the incriminating profile :)

Original poster
Longdistancenerves · 11/03/2015 06:40

Been together 8 months. See each other fortnightly. Everything was perfect until I did that stupid search.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2015 07:32

As they say 'ignorance is bliss'... Still, you saw what you saw and his explanation currently sounds unconvincing. It's entirely his problem to fix, not yours.

rumred · 11/03/2015 07:33

I think the phrase is cock and bull. You don't use a dating site to contact friends.

Your search isn't the problem, his lying is

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 11/03/2015 07:37

Even if you believed that he had to reopen his profile to contact the friend, that doesn't explain why he updated the profile to put some current info in. He's lying to you.

TheJiminyConjecture · 11/03/2015 07:40

If he was indeed writing to an old friend (and I echo a pp when I wonder why he's not texting /emailing etc) then the profile would be old. He would have literally just made it visible again. The fact it's been updated strongly suggests that he's still looking.

WaxOnWaxOff · 11/03/2015 07:42

You knew something wasn't right as you'd googled his profile previously... is this something you've been doing regularly?

He's lying, you know it, there is no reasonable explanation for him updating his online dating profile, the only explanation is that he is online dating.

Original poster
Longdistancenerves · 11/03/2015 07:50

I'm seeing him at the weekend so will talk more to him face to face. Something just isn't adding up as he is a genuinely nice bloke, strongly into his faith, studious, just doesn't seem the type to cheat.
I was with a serial cheater and got to a point my gut feeling knew he'd done wrong before I actually found out, and I don't feel that. It's so confusing!
I'll see what he has to say, I suppose I'm thinking I gave him a way out- we live so far apart, why bother juggling women if one of then lives so far, it seems so much effort.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2015 07:52

Faith.... LOL!!! Because we all know how honest and law abiding religious people are.... :)

Original poster
Longdistancenerves · 11/03/2015 07:54

Please don't say it like that, I was raised in a religious family and know for a fact my mother and father are honest and good, and their marriage is strong.
Maybe I just assume everyone will be like my dad Confused

OP posts:
TheJiminyConjecture · 11/03/2015 07:57

we live so far apart, why bother juggling women if one of then lives so far, it seems so much effort

The fact that you live far apart means it's easier not harder to juggle women.

Sickoffrozen · 11/03/2015 08:10

The distance and irregularity of meet ups gives him plenty of opportunity.

I would be concerned by this.

SonnyJimBob · 11/03/2015 08:19

This happened to me years ago with an ex. He said he was just "bored", and closed it down the minute I confronted him on the phone. I believed him.

Then out of the blue a few months later he ended our relationship with no explanation. I've never given it much thought but he was most likely 'fishing', and ended up meeting someone else. Quite funny really because I was WAY out of his league at the time, but my confidence was so low I didn't know it.

To be entirely honest, I would give it some serious thought about whether it is worth staying with this man. If he wanted to be with you, why is he looking elsewhere? I've found once men start checking to see whether the grass is greener, it's a time bomb waiting to happen

passthewineplz · 11/03/2015 08:23

Googling 3 days prior to finding his dating profile suggests you all ready have concerns - what made you search for him initially?

Also after 8 months I'd be expecting the relationship to be moving on to a relationship. I think he may not feel as strongly as you do, hence having a dating profile and saying he 'still likes you'

BinToHellAndBack · 11/03/2015 08:39

It's not necessarily dubious I suppose. But you won't find anybody on saying "sounds legit, forget all about it" because we only have your brief written account of what happen, and that does sound iffy.

Maybe you'll get a better feeling about it when you discuss it face to face with him, but he'll need to really go into it with a decent explanation to put your mind at ease; no skirting around the issue as that most definitely is suspicious.

BinToHellAndBack · 11/03/2015 08:39

anybody on here

Original poster
Longdistancenerves · 11/03/2015 09:55

A lot of people I've talked to face to face about it have said not to jump the gun- he could well be talking to a friend.
He has said he still wants is to see each other at the weekend, which I take as a positive.

I checked his profile regularly as I have real trust issues stemming back from my previous relationship. I genuinely didn't think I'd ever find anything on there again, more a reassurance when I searched, so I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

OP posts:
SensationalGirl · 11/03/2015 10:23

When you see him ask to see his profile with him logged on so you can get more information. He really, honestly owes you an explanation for this and if all you see is general chit chat between two mates you can rest easy.

BinToHellAndBack · 11/03/2015 10:38

Sounds like you're being sensible about it then.

It can be really hard when you've previously been subjected to a massive breach of trust by someone else. Things that trigger a 'gut feeling' of being funny can be benign and clearly innocent when looked at logically.

Not jumping the gun is good advice - perhaps you could chat it through with those real life friends after talking to DP if you're not sure you can trust your own judgement.

However, if your'e trust issues mean you have to regularly check his profile to see what he's up to then perhaps you need to sort those issues out first (with or without DP) - what exactly is it you think he might be doing? If it's cheating or looking for dates, then even if he isn't doing that, the fact that you think he could be doesn't exactly spell a happy relationship.

I do get it, I had some huge trust issues after an ex messed with my head big time after cheating with a friend. But whilst it's not always been easy for my DH, he understood where the mistrust stemmed from and was generally patient and understanding. The mistrust (which was never aimed at anything specific, just a sense of panic surrounding anything to do with anyone female - totally ridiculous!) and it evaporated pretty quickly.

BinToHellAndBack · 11/03/2015 10:41

That said, the recently updated profile would ring some serious alarm bells. I cannot think of any reasonable reason to do this.

LoisPuddingLane · 11/03/2015 10:45

NOBODY goes on a dating website to talk to a friend. Because they are a friend and you have other ways to contact them.

pocketsaviour · 11/03/2015 10:46

Have you had the discussion with him then about "are we exclusive"? TBH living 2hrs apart and only seeing someone once a fortnight I would not expect exclusivity at this stage unless you were already discussing long term plans to move closer.