I need to make a decision but scared of implications

[Winniethewylde]

I've posted here before, I know, and had some great advice but I now feel like I'm in no mans land. I need to come to some sort of decision but I'm scared.

My marriage is a sham. No sex, no affection, but no arguments (at the moment) just 2 people, plus 2 kids, living together, getting on like friends but that's it. I can't do this forever but have no desire to make it better as I feel like I don't love him anymore. Lack of support at key times affected my self worth, self esteem and ultimately my love for him.

My heart says leave but I'm petrified of being judged, of giving up and of hurting the children. I'm currently having counselling to try to help me with my anger, my resentment and my self esteem. It's helping me and I feel happier in myself but making me doubt my marriage even more.

Shit, I'm lost. This is rambling. Apologies. Think I'm just looking for someone to tell me it's going to be ok.

So your heart says leave - what does your head say?

This is me exactly Winnie. Dh has a day off this week so we can discuss where we're going & I'm petrified. Does he know how you feel?

Stay for the children. To give them security and stability. Also the guilt although I know this is selfish.

Hi katiekatie. He does to a certain extent. He knows I'm desperately unhappy and having counselling. He doesn't know I don't love him as once that's said there really isn't anywhere else this could go. He wouldn't hang around once he had heard that. Does your DH know?

If there's no sex, no affection and no connection then the chances are he's as unhappy with the situation as you are. You mention arguments in the past & I don't know how well the pair of you communicate about difficult matters, but I would have thought the first step is to pick your moment, talk to him honestly, calmly and put the question... 'where do you see this going?' If he claims to be happy living the way you do then you'll have to take the initiative, find some courage and tell him it's not working for you. If he's unhappy, you might find you're pushing at an open door.

Anyone who would judge you harshly for ending an unhappy marriage is not someone worth listening to. Your children may already be hurt living with parents who don't care for each other. You think it's OK if there are no arguments but children know when something's not right. There's no option from where you are now that doesn't involve at least one person being hurt. It's possible that your unhappy home-life is contributing to anger, resentment and low self-esteem.

Thank you, I feel so trapped so I know my home life is affecting me negatively. He is unhappy but thinks it's just a blip and we both need to try harder. It's more than that to me. We try to talk and it ends badly generally, nothing gets sorted. We just move on. But we don't so resentment builds further.

Nothing will ever get sorted with someone who thinks a serious problem is just a blip, sadly. Head in the sand solves nothing. I think you'll have to be more definite about it and take the lead. Not pleasant but you could waste years otherwise. Therapy stands little chance of fixing resentment when the source of the resentment still exists.

I should add.... if you're going to burn the bridge, be very sure of your plan. You said you're worried about the implications so you have to have thought it through quite carefully and present him with your ideas how things would work once you're separated. Anything less and it can become unkind or start to drift.

This sounds almost exactly like my situation, except we are a bit further down the road in counselling. I let things drift on far too long feeling unhappy and stuck before finally I sought counselling on my own to sort my head out. I did that for about 4 months then we started couples counselling in January.

My situation is complicated by feelings for someone else (not acted on) that came in when our relationship was really floundering and resentment was at it's highest.

I now know that what I need to do is be sure of my decision and then act upon it. Neither option (stay/go) is without its doubts currently. The counselling is helping us wade through how we got to this point and I am doing a lot of self-questioning to try and eliminate doubts and come to a decision that I am sure about.

My DP is shocked and bemused but finally coming to see how the last few years have been for me, and that can only be a good thing. Also the counselling will help if we do separate as we will need to co-parent.

Part of me thinks that a trial separation may be the way to go, just to get the kind of distance that enables you to see what a relationship really is and so see whether you want to have it in your life or not.

Good luck, it's a horrible place to be - such limbo, no good for anyone but such a big decision to make, it's worth taking the time over it.

I am another in this situation - years of hurt but never enough to take action. How do you think you can come to a decision?
What is the plan? Is it a good idea to have investigated accommodation options, solicitors etc, before saying you want to separate?
Best wishes to you all.

"Is it a good idea to have investigated...."

I think it is. If you don't have a plan you come across as vague, non-committal and the other person is not going to take you seriously. If you've done some research and got some information you can say 'I've looked into it and I think X should happen followed by Y...' More difficult to dismiss.

Think of the difference between saying to a friend 'we must meet up again sometime' and 'are you free on Friday for lunch?' Which one is most likely to happen?

Thanks everyone. Although not nice for anyone it's good to hear others are in a similar position and what you've done about it. My therapist has suggested the same as you all have here. To work out different paths/options and then I might not feel so trapped. I don't even know where to begin. I don't have anywhere else to go, have no job and no savings of my own. I love my home and really really don't want to move out. In the heat of a moment DH said we'd have to sell up, it would break my heart but I know that that shouldn't be another reason to stay but sadly it is.

I agree, the last thing I want to be is unkind to anyone, especially DH, I resent him but don't hate him. He is a good father, just not a very supportive or respectful husband. I understand that is my problem and not his, as Cogito said, he has just sticks his head in the sand.

A good place to start, if you're married, is to look around for a solicitor specialising in family law. Some of them will offer a free initial consultation and you can find out quite a lot doing that. CAB is another possibility. There are websites such as www.turn2us.org.uk that can give you an idea of any state help with finances. The old CSA had a calculator for child maintenance. Selling the home is sometimes necessary but not always. However much you love your home, ultimately it's just bricks and mortar. If it's standing in the way of a fresh start and a happy, it could be a sacrifice worth making.

It's all so overwhelming. I have been to CAB but all they did was gave me a list of websites, after having queued up for 2 hours, very frustrating as I thought they might offer more support in my naivety.

I'll take a look at that website though, thank you. I know what you say is true but to uproot my young children I feel would add to the misery. I don't know, maybe if I do take that route I'll have no choice.

When you're talking about big life-changing decisions I think you have to adopt a positive, confident approach if you're to take others affected along with you. Moving house is guaranteed to be uprooting and misery-making if that's how you see it. Alternatively it could be a fresh start, a new challenge and a big adventure.... You have to believe it's the right thing to do and that you are making a positive choice for the better.

Running towards.... not running away....

God. You are so right. I am viewing all of this in such a negative way. Like you said, it could be the making of me, a fresh start, a new challenge. I need to try changing my mindset...

It's not easy to change mindset. When I got divorced I tell you I held onto my home like it was a life-raft in the middle of the ocean! With all the other crap going on around me, it was a change too far. So I know how you feel and you have my sympathy. As it turned out, I managed to keep my house even though I nearly went to the wall financially and it's cost me an arm and a leg since. Looking back, I'd have probably been better off selling up, downsizing and having more disposable income but it was a choice I made and I had to believe it was the right one to pull it off.

Get the information rather than being stymied by assumptions. Keep an open mind but have your end goal very, very clear.

I understand what you're saying about not wanting to leave your house. It's your home, your stability, your anchor, we'd have to sell up too. This is the kids home too not just a house.
Imagine being 50 or 60 & still feeling this resentment. It's easier to stay though isn't it, especially if dh has done nothing wrong. I think it's quite possible I'll be swapping one set of problems for another, like how to keep the wolf from the door for a start.
Regarding what Cogito said about the kids, my eldest is 10 and is definitely starting to pick up that we're not romantic, we don't kiss or cuddle etc.
I'm going to suggest relate to my dh because I'd rather try & fail than just give it up, I want him to understand how I feel as well which he'll have to face up to with a mediator present. How would you feel about counselling?
I've no experience yet but think it may be a way to get your voice heard at least.

That's exactly the way I see it. I don't want to waste my life away, I've had 3 New Years eves of feeling this way, another would kill me. I have to do something. I'm having individual counselling now, DH thinks we should try relate, my hearts not in it. I feel like deep down I've made my decision but I know that isn't fair and maybe I should try? I got so upset during our last 'discussion'. I mentioned separating and suddenly DH realised I was being serious and thought only then it was time for things to change. I've had years of feeling crap, unloved, unnoticed as a woman and unsupported and only now he thinks it's time to change?

Great thread.
I sitting at work not wanting to go home. I know it will be chaos and shouting.
Only time I seem happy is when she is out and its just me and 2 kids playing.

Stopping me is financial , and not actually trusting her to care for our kids. So sad.

Yes I know I think I've felt this way about 5 years but I'm also to blame for not telling him what I want, what I need, I let things drag on. The first time I mentioned separating dh got really upset & said that's not fair I have to go live in some grotty flat paying for you & the kids to live here etc etc he was really on a rage and couldn't see clearly. Since then, over the years we have had the odd discussion about me moving out, selling up, taking in lodgers etc - other options basically but these chats always end up in me being upset about not being listened to. My point is, perhaps with some people it takes time to come to the realisations & if he wants to go to relate it would be worth it as someone else said, if you do end up separating then you'll be co-parenting and having him understand the reasons why you've left him will make things easier. I'd imagine separating from someone without both fully exploring the reasons why would be frustrating, things left unsaid (unless of course the reasons are obvious like infidelity/abuse etc)

Winnie would you be happy on your own or would you be looking for another relationship?

I was in your situation a year ago and finally found the courage to tell him we should separate. He agreed as he wasn't happy either.
I spent months before thinking it through, I came to the conclusion that although the separation would hurt the children staying would hurt them more. I didn't want my 2 boys to think that our marriage was how a marriage should be. If your head is saying stay for the children you will never be happy and ultimately neither will they.
Please take your time to think about what you want. If you are not happy then you can bet that your children know that.
My home now is a much happier place a year on, my relationship with the boys dad is actually fairly friendly. And my boys are happy children doing well in school and in their lives.
Sending you hugs and lots of bravery. Xx

Great advice here. Thanks all. I think relate may be a good idea. Like I said before, he just views this as a blip that can be ironed out with a bit of effort, maybe talking it through would help him to truly understand the extent of it and how deeply it runs with me. I feel like I'm calling the shots and he needs a chance to explore his feelings too. Maybe he feels it's dead end but doesn't want to admit it?

No katie I need to feel happy myself with my kids. Jumping straight into something else is definitely not on the cards. My therapist is focussing on finding myself again, being me rather than just a wife/mother and than has really struck a chord with me.

Thank you addicted That's the thing, I've been thinking about this for months, he is only just hearing about it really. I need to get a plan in my head before I talk it through further with him otherwise it always ends with him asking me what I want to do/happen and me saying I don't know.

I'm sure my eldest, at 5, is picking up on it. I feel snappy a lot and totally different when it's just us.