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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boring dp, dh or dw ..... how do you cope?

35 replies

sunsout · 10/03/2015 12:40

My dcs and I find dh extremely boring. Dh doesn't seem to know how to engage with us. Only see him once a week now but still hard find things to talk or do with him! Are we unusual?

OP posts:

hesterton · 10/03/2015 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 10/03/2015 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeee · 10/03/2015 12:45

So you discuss with your dc how boring your dh/their df is? Happy families

softlysoftly · 10/03/2015 12:47

Really? How are you in any way a family? Please divorce the poor bloke so you are both free to find love with others and stop influencing your DC!

SocialMediaAddict · 10/03/2015 12:48

Blimey your poor DH.

PureMorning · 10/03/2015 12:50

Leave him so he can find someone nicer?

WiggleGinger · 10/03/2015 12:53

Really????
This sounds really harsh!
Do you discuss this with your DC?

How would you feel if him & the dc's referred to you as 'silly mummy' 'boring mum' or 'ugly mummy'

I don't think this should be talked about with your children

Original poster

sunsout · 10/03/2015 13:48

We used live in London. We were busy working and studying long hours and meeting friends and go to eat, shopping and theatres in westend. Ok then. We moved out of London with his job. I continue to work and study.......

This problem started after we left London and started a family. As he doesn't do outdoor things eg cycling or camping etc things that my kids love. He does involve in children's games or toys. Doesn't help with making food, house work, childcare, DIY or problem solving in any machinery stuff eg computers or DVD players. So I got too tired of having to cope on my own with anything requires physical/practical/hands-on actions. Basically while I got young children he continues to live on his own but with us around. As he always keep himself out of doing anything in the house as much as possible so dcs are not no one is close to him.

Dcs and I moved into a new house two years ago. We all wish to be together as a family however practical we don't miss him. As he never do or help us with anything physically.

Dh visits us one day a week but after lunch we all just go to do our own things. He will sit in the sofas by himself do reading or watch TV.

I ran out of things to say to him.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 10/03/2015 13:56

I don't think your problem is he is boring I think he is selfish and lazy.

Have you asked him to help around the home more? Have you asked him to go camping?

What does he say?

Original poster

sunsout · 10/03/2015 14:12

We went camping with some family friends a couple of summers. However he stopped going after a couple of times so only I continue to go with my dcs. I asked him to help with making lunch on sat while I took the kids to actives or otherwise. He then just go out to have lunch by himself every sat in stead. So I still have to do both things with dcs.

I believe he thinks he provides already so should he have to do anything else. I don't think he knows how to be together as a family. I know it sounds harsh but I can't talk to him.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 10/03/2015 14:27

So are you separated?

lynniep · 10/03/2015 14:34

I don't really understand your situation. You live with your DCs and he lives elsewhere? So you are separated then? Is he visiting the kids once a week - but not actually 'seeing' them?

Bonsoir · 10/03/2015 14:37

Clearly you have nothing in common and ought to separate.

Original poster

sunsout · 10/03/2015 14:58

We separated for two years now. I feel easier to cope emotionally. I have to do everything on my own I may just live on my own with dcs. Just so that I don't have any expectations of him helping.
The most sad thing is that he seems incapable to develop a relationship with his kids.

OP posts:

Bluecarrot · 10/03/2015 15:37

Is he depressed?
Does he like being a dad? Does he know "how" to be a good dad? (Had he a good role model as a child?)

My DP is similar though not to the same degree. He definitely is not as involved in family life as I feel a dad should. It makes me sad as he is missing out on so much joy.
Part of this is his personality, partly a lack of any good role models, and partly I think its mild depression :(

BohemianRaptor · 10/03/2015 15:46

Sounds like he's just completely opted out of family life for whatever reason. I don't think you should be having him round for lunch if he just ignores you all. Time to sort formal contact arrangements I'd say, where he has the dc at his home on a regular basis.
Why should he get away with opting out of parenthood? They're his responsibility too and I'd be pointing that out to him.

RubbishMantra · 10/03/2015 15:46

It sounds like he's just not interested. From what you say, it sounds like he just let his family slip away from him, because he couldn't be arsed.

Why do you feel you cannot talk to him about this? Does he have a history of not wanting to discuss stuff?

RubbishMantra · 10/03/2015 15:55

What was his reaction to you and DCs moving out? Was he just like "Oh, OK then." Did he try to work things out with you at all?

Original poster

sunsout · 10/03/2015 16:57

I don't think he opted out he is never in. I ve encouraged dcs to stay with him for weekends and school holidays for a little but dcs just don't want to go. I m desperate to have sometimes off too. But they don't know what to do with him!

OP posts:

Drew64 · 10/03/2015 17:48

Maybe I've missed the point but if you are separated and he only visits once a week what are you expecting him to do?

He needs to make this one day a special day for him and his DC's and I would make sure that I did something on that one day, even if it was enjoying a take away meal at the table with the DCs.

Meals at the table are always good for conversation.

Original poster

sunsout · 10/03/2015 18:07

We moved out because he never much engaged with us. So dcs and their df never developed much of relationship even in the old days when we lived together everyday. Although now we see each other only once a week things haven't changed much.

Before he s around every day and do nothing with us and now he's around one day a week and do nothing with us.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 10/03/2015 18:16

I've read the thread and am still confused about whether you are a couple or not and if you are separated ie getting a divorce. It all sounds very unemotional and detached in any case.

Vivacia · 10/03/2015 18:28

Are you a couple or are you separated?

How old are your children and are they aware that you think they have no relationship with their father?

I can't grasp the situation. I know it's less common nowadays, but until fairly recently I think many children didn't have a "relationship" with their father. Perhaps a football match one afternoon a week once they were old enough? It doesn't mean you all move out.

thedancingbear · 10/03/2015 19:50

I'd be interested to hear the other side of this one.

Op. What do you mean when you say your husband 'provides '?

Original poster

sunsout · 10/03/2015 20:05

We don't live together any more my dcs are 9 and 12. He sees any childcare and house work are optional for a man regardless we both work or not. As someone said earlier he had a bad role model and also some personality issues. Whether he has depression i don't know. I had depression a few times so decided to I leave. I don't think he realised I had emotional problems. I think he took us for granted. He believes as long as he provides financially he s fulfilling his responsibility for his family. When he s around he just watch TV by himself. If dcs watch kiddies programme he just do reading instead. So what to do!!??

OP posts:

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