The dating/relationship script of recently separated men - talk me through your experience.

[SquallyShowersButSunshineAhead]

I understand from snippets on here that this is a cliche.

This is where we are at - what has happened? what was / is in his head? and what will happen next?

I am the xW. We have been in a 30 year relationship (20 married, 4dc 8yo-16yo). I tried and tried and tried. He had a drink problem and a man-child, passive aggressive personality which made family life vv difficult. He was in denial of all of this as I tried to fix him - but through sheer exhaustion and the impact this was having on my children I called time and he moved out Jan 10th. We agreed to focus on our co-parenting - so access arrangements are unusually open. He comes here for dinner every evening to visit the children and has them one day at the weekend at our home. We have money issues so he is living at his mothers until we sell the house.

All trundling along until he is rumbled. He is in a 'serious relationship' - connected with someone on Match less that 24hrs after he left the home - met face to face on 20th Jan. Wants to "build a life" with her and her two children as she is the one he "wants to spend the rest of his life with".

He is officially her BF - met her family and friends - out and about socially with her etc. He didn't think to mention it to any of his family and friends. They both agree that they have fallen truly madly deeply. He has been there most nights (not at his mothers) and had planned to move in this weekend (7th March). We emailed - she is a nice warm hearted lady and her intentions are genuine. I gave them my blessing - although they don't need it,didn't ask for it - I just don't want a bitter relationship with someone who will care for my children.

So this week - post rumble - he goes from telling the children and his mother that he has met someone special and is moving in with her, to getting upset that none his friends and family approve of the timing - so tells GF he needs time to think about it. Then he tells friends and family that he has decided it is over and as he felt he was sleepwalking into something,that it was a distraction to avoid the processing the pain of separation - and that as her xH was an alcoholic he did not want to inflict pain on her if he relapsed (he has not hold her about his drink problem). Tells kids that it is over and he will not be moving to another county to live with GF and new family. Sends me a fake email supposedly to GF to prove it is all over.....

What has happened? what was / is in his head? and what will happen next?

Sounds like pretty classic rebound stuff followed by a shedload of cold feet. The truth is that it really doesn't matter what's in his head. It's not your problem any more. Your role - I would suggest - is to get this person far further out of your life than is currently the case.

The nightly suppers are a mistake because it's like he never left. You and your children are being subjected to what sounds like attention-seeking, self-absorbed behaviour.... consistent with why you broke up I expect. They must be very confused what the hell is going on and I think you have to step in and protect them by keeping their feet on the ground and offering them some stability and predictability.

I also think you have to get him out of your life more comprehensively because you're still trying to analyse him and fix him to some degree and all of this is just a major waste of your time and energy. You have more important and enjoyable things to do. You can't move on with anything when he's never really moved out.

What will happen next I estimate will be that you will be treated to another episode of his one man soap opera - working title 'Poor Me'. Don't be surprised if it ends up with expressions of regret and ideas of reconciliation. He sounds very dependent on you and is finding life as a singleton a shock. I'd get the divorce underway (if you haven't already)

Look after yourself and your DCs. And repeat after me.... he is not... my... problem

What she said with bells on

Wow - yes he has already done the begging to come back to me - after he "finished with her" - maybe that was the sole intention of the relationship - to spark my jealousy? I do recognise that I am still v co-dep - and the last week has really made me wobble - to consider having him back - not out of love but to extinguish the hurt of my children.

We haven't spoken (only texted) for the last 7 weeks - but have had to communicate verbally over the past week due to changes in access due to new relationship (much anger bitterness confusion thru the lies from me) - and he has said - "see we are talking now- this is all I want"- we weren't talking I was screaming.

You will not necessarily extinguish the hurt of your children if you go back to the way things were. Your description of 30 years with this person earlier was a drink problem and a man-child, passive aggressive personality which made family life vv difficult ... and you went on to say there was an 'impact on the children'.

I'm reading between the lines and speculating now but I think what you're actually describing is a manipulative and selfish man who used various emotionally abusive techniques .. guilt, sulking, petty arguments, deception, pity, false promises ... to keep you dancing around trying to make him happy.

Yes, his 'grand passion' sounds like yet more manipulation - and it didn't work. He's also gambling that, after 8 weeks apart, you'll be feeling the strain, struggling with the emotional fall-out, wondering if you haven't mad a mistake. Vulnerable, in other words. It's all a pile of crap.

don't understand... if he comes round every night how have you not spoken for 7 weeks?

I make myself scarce when he comes over - go out or to my bedroom. I can't talk to him as I get triggered into rage which I don't want the children to see anymore-hence the text only communication - even if in the same house. I know I need to work hard to achieve the receptionist smile and polite banter for theirs sakes - but I am not there yet.

Yes I am feeling v v vulnerable - and I know the marriage was bad for the kids - but feel that somehow this is worse?

but feel that this some how this is worse?

I think keeping on having him over for supper is probably making the kids more confused and probably feeling quite insecure. They presumably were all told about the new "love of his life" as well? Which will have made them even more confused.

I would stop this access arrangement asap and from now on he takes them to his place or takes them out. You should not be having to hide upstairs in your own house because an arsehole is sitting in your kitchen!

I would suspect that the "new GF" probably ditched him, and he has rewritten that into him dumping her because he thought the better of it.

Smiling and polite banter is years away.....

First step is to make your home a sanctuary and stop him visiting. Your home should be a place of calm, happiness, no-one 'raging' and no-one scuttling off to a bedroom or forced to go out. Your children need stability & security and it must be horribly awkward sitting there eating supper, knowing you are somewhere else, biting your lip & upset. Your children are entitled to see their father but he has to make his own arrangements off-site and in his own time. Access is his responsibility

This is worse for the children than a clean break because it's currently contrived and unnatural.

Yes he did the big announcement last Monday to the children (i.e. moving in with her).

On Thursday he told them it was over.

My 8 yo said tome last night "Why did you make Daddy stop having a girlfriend? She really makes him happy and he clearly loves her"

If I change access arrangements - the children will blame me for seeing him less - and they will be hurt

Everything Cog said.

Keep him out of your house, and out of your head.

You have to explain that they can contact their father any time they like via phone etc, they will see him on a regular basis (a schedule that you work out between you but which is not in the former family home), that this is best for everyone and you need them to be cooperative. I think you also tell your STBX that, in future, you're going to take a dim view of him announcing he has long-term partners to your children when they are women he hardly knows.

With the greatest respect, are you sure it's the children's wellbeing that's top of your mind here? It's OK to say that you're wobbling, wondering if you made a mistake, missing him, finding it tough to be a lone parent of 4..... Have you got support? Do you have friends? People who have your back, who know the full story and who agree with your decision to get shot?

Who moves in with someone 8 weeks after separating? And is more concerned with that, than his kids?

You really need to create some distance, create your new life. You can be amicable without having him at your home everyday.

Yes I am trying to wrestle with what is more difficult for them - seeing him less or seeing him as now but with tension. There has been no raging since he left -I have kept my distance and dignity - the house has been calm and happy since he has not been there - but I lost it last week with not just the revelation - but the going and froing about what he was doing and the kids watching this and me getting drawn into decisions about access to my children in some strangers home - none of us are ready for this.

I have spent 8 weeks consumed with guilt as I called it a day. I am wobbling - I miss his friendship - but he is a useless parent and brings me to despair-to become a person I am not. So he had to go.But I have been asking should have tried harder, could I try again? This recent development has intensified those questions. Yes I do have F&F who have been brilliant - I have discussed the wobble (came after the revelation) and they have said you both at least need time apart to make a decision whether there is anything to get back together for. I kept hoping he would change.

No-one is ever ready for the emotional tsunami that is a relationship breakdown. It's tough... really tough.... and that's why you have to set very clear rules of engagement and very clear boundaries to protect yourself and your loved ones best you can. You can't anticipate everything and his announcement of the new 'love of his life', moving abroad and all that self-indulgent bollocks would have come as a monumental shock. No-one knows how to handle that kind of thing until it happens. It's horrible because it's out of your control

So control the things you can control i.e. access to your home, finances, the divorce.... and get things formalised legally rather than leaving it to goodwill or good judgement. The man sounds like a complete liability

"I kept hoping he would change."

You've spent 30 years doing that. I expect at the beginning when you got together he had a lot of attractive qualities. They faded away, the good times got less and less, the bad times got more and more but, being an optimist, you persevered thinking the guy you first met was still in there somewhere?

I'm sorry but this is the real him. This is as good as he gets....

I must stand firm,I must not wobble because I am vv vulnerable currently - I am now x10 more vulnerable since the news of the relationship.

Q is vulnerable to what ? Answer is letting him back in the marriage - so all this shit will go away.

But we have been here before - separated - then back together due to my FOG - his promises - not kept ..... and a another year of subjugation for me.

This time there is OW to add to the mix (on? off? maybe?- who knows).

What is happening here to me - why when I had made small progress for 8 weeks do I feel so confused? Why when things were bad enough that i had to end it - that things are even worse now with OW and i am wobbling and thinking I want to have him back?

Should I not be feeling justified,relieved that he has moved on ? Why do I feel that I should just submit?

" Why do I feel that I should just submit?"

Because standing firm and doing the right thing is hard. When he first went you'll have had a surge of adrenalin that kept you going and friends rallying round etc. As the weeks have worn on, the adrenalin wears off and maybe the friends have stepped back a little or you don't want to bother them with your problems. You get tired, drained, you get fed up with the emotional battering, seeing your DCs unhappy, the mixed messages, you long for the normality of the last 20 years.... getting back with him suddenly represents a quick easy way to do all of that.

What you need is a mental break and a chance to recharge. You need diversions, companionship, things to look forward to, people to tell you that you've done the right thing, happy stuff, silly stuff..... Pack a bag, leave the kids with granny and go to a B&B. Take walks and admire daffodils. Whatever it takes.

There will come a point where you stop wobbling, stop worrying about his motives etc and start to get bloody angry. Stay busy between now and then and keep him out of your house....

"I am now x10 more vulnerable since the news of the relationship."

This is normal BTW.... No matter how crap the marriage and whether you initiated the end or not, knowing you've been replaced is hurtful. Feelings don't switch off overnight and some residual jealousy is to be expected. It's one of what will be many tests.

OMG he is an absolute nob end

I really feel for his new girlfriend (or ex gf)

and well done you for being so kind to her

as far as practical advice goes cogito (as usual) has it spot on.

ps - my exH went through about a year of meeting randoms on dating sites, they were always "the one" after a few days and inevitably ended within weeks, he kept wanting to introduce our DS to them and I wouldn't let him tbh (and with good reason)

his first girlfriend (weeks after I left him) was a very attractive 18 year old, that was a kick in the teeth tbh even though I in no way wanted him back

he is now with someone nice and has been with her 4 years, and I can finally feel DS has 2 stable homes

Thanks all. Yes I need to find diversions and distractions to stop trying to fix this by taking him back. It could quench this OW issue for now but the problems in the relationship that ended it are still there.

I do not feel jealously - when I found out I was personally relieved that someone would take him off my hands but cross that the timing and behaviour (dishonest) was wrong for our children when they are still so raw.

The worst bit has not been the news that he has a GF - it has been his continued lies and deception all of last week - so we have no trust in anything he says and he continues to disrespect us - and the GF and her family.

The absolute powerlessness that I felt as a mother wrt to having any impact on my family thru parenting, running a household and money would return. The chaos and confusion he creates by deception, lies, obstruction in every nook and cranny in my life would be back with another added - around suspicions to whether he was seeing this or another OW.

It is a bit like AA advice for addicts - when you feel like you will cave, submit to the craving - call your sponsor....

Thanks MN people for holding me steady on this wobble which would be catastrophic for me and my children.

You have spent your life fixing things so it is very difficult to not fix this!

You are doing great. Believe me, life after a long marriage with someone who doesn't make you happy, can be very liberating and is worth the wobble you are having.

stop having him for dinner!
the dc are plenty old enough to visit his place during the week and be back later in time for bed.... no need for him to come round at all.

Hello Squally

Stop inviting your husband round for evening meals to your house !

Establish set time when he looks after the children eg at weekends away from your house

Stop obsessing about whether he has a girlfriend or not

Make your physical & mental barriers clearer

Stay strong