The dating/relationship script of recently separated men - talk me through your experience.

[SquallyShowersButSunshineAhead]

I understand from snippets on here that this is a cliche.

This is where we are at - what has happened? what was / is in his head? and what will happen next?

I am the xW. We have been in a 30 year relationship (20 married, 4dc 8yo-16yo). I tried and tried and tried. He had a drink problem and a man-child, passive aggressive personality which made family life vv difficult. He was in denial of all of this as I tried to fix him - but through sheer exhaustion and the impact this was having on my children I called time and he moved out Jan 10th. We agreed to focus on our co-parenting - so access arrangements are unusually open. He comes here for dinner every evening to visit the children and has them one day at the weekend at our home. We have money issues so he is living at his mothers until we sell the house.

All trundling along until he is rumbled. He is in a 'serious relationship' - connected with someone on Match less that 24hrs after he left the home - met face to face on 20th Jan. Wants to "build a life" with her and her two children as she is the one he "wants to spend the rest of his life with".

He is officially her BF - met her family and friends - out and about socially with her etc. He didn't think to mention it to any of his family and friends. They both agree that they have fallen truly madly deeply. He has been there most nights (not at his mothers) and had planned to move in this weekend (7th March). We emailed - she is a nice warm hearted lady and her intentions are genuine. I gave them my blessing - although they don't need it,didn't ask for it - I just don't want a bitter relationship with someone who will care for my children.

So this week - post rumble - he goes from telling the children and his mother that he has met someone special and is moving in with her, to getting upset that none his friends and family approve of the timing - so tells GF he needs time to think about it. Then he tells friends and family that he has decided it is over and as he felt he was sleepwalking into something,that it was a distraction to avoid the processing the pain of separation - and that as her xH was an alcoholic he did not want to inflict pain on her if he relapsed (he has not hold her about his drink problem). Tells kids that it is over and he will not be moving to another county to live with GF and new family. Sends me a fake email supposedly to GF to prove it is all over.....

What has happened? what was / is in his head? and what will happen next?

I don't think that I am "obsessing about whether he has a GF or not" - I am however having a wobble and feeling very vulnerable and devastated for the deceit and constant changing of relationship status - on, off, maybe - this impacts directly on our access arrangements - as well as emotional status of the kids. The Q I asked - as I had not seen this coming - is is there a script - is this a cliche - what ca I expect next.

I dont invite him round for meals - this is an access agreement that we put in place that we felt was the least disruptive for he children - he cannot have them at his mothers house (alcoholic).

'what can I expect next'

You've known him for 30 years and I think you know what to expect. Promises, threats, sob-stories, guilt-trips, intrusion, withdrawal, anger, kindness.... whatever his usual manipulation techniques are, he'll use them. There is no 'script' as such - but if he is in he habit of behaving a particular way, he's unlikely to stop just because you've said it's over. You can't control him or change him. All you can do is protect yourself and the DCs from the worst he has to throw at you.

Protection means that you put yourself first. Someone remarked on another thread that it's like the pre-flight safety talk - fit your own oxygen mask before helping other people with theirs. And that's it precisely. You have to be in good mental shape to deal with this over the next few months and years. Start as you mean to go on. If he cannot have the DCs at your home or his mother's house, he has to find an alternative that is suitable for the children..... His responsibility. Not your problem.

From my experience this seems very common. I dated a man who had split up about 6 months before from his wife of 20 years. Within 3 weeks he was dating another woman, it was serious after 6 weeks, she met the kids etc. unfortunately she died. TWO weeks after this woman's death he contacted me (we were old colleagues) and he was declaring undying love within a month. The man was a MESS.

You can definitely expect more drama from your ex, it is rather pathetic.

I am finding it hard to get him out of my head - I can put all the physical distance in - no speaking, access off site etc - but it is just chewing me up inside - should i have just PUSU? did I try hard enough? could he change? -- then the opposite - did I try too hard for too long? why am I a stupid muppet? what a shit - I hate him. Terrified of what will happen next - eg I will submit, but it will be wrong and we wont last 5 minutes that would be horrific for the children - ie Dad leaving for a 3rd time or I will stay strong keep him at bay but buckle with the strain and fall into a deep depression alone as a single parent and not be able to function as a parent.

Of course you're head is still full of him. It has only been a few weeks since he left. This is a grieving process and a massive upheaval to your life all at the same time. It is possibly the most stressful experience you'll ever have and it is cyclical. Good days and bad days. Days where you hate him and days where you are hard on yourself. It takes months to get from where you are now to anything approaching normality and (IME at least) years to feel fully over someone.

If you're finding it hard, ask for help. Talk to people & get some real support. Set out your environment so that it's easier to stay strong than to buckle. Plan things in your week that are relaxing and fun.... take every opportunity you can to smile and smell the roses. And then every day that you get to the end and you haven't caved and you have made a little progress, congratulate yourself.

Squally it's absolutely normal to question yourself, especially after such a long relationship.

I think you know full well in your head that your marriage was not working and will never work, because your H has no desire to change. By going back to him again, you would be giving your DC the message that it's okay to be unhappy in a relationship, and that their dad's model of behaviour is okay to use with a partner. I am sure that's not what you want for them.

I know you have set up this access agreement for the DC's benefit, but I don't think they are benefiting. You are well within your rights to say to him "I know we agreed this originally, but I don't think it's working - we need to do something out of the house." As long as he keeps coming back, I think the kids are getting mixed messages.

I'm a bit concerned about your 8YO saying that you told daddy he couldn't have a girlfriend. Is it possible this is what your H has told the kids?

Thanks - yes I need to take responsibility for giving myself the best chance of seeing this thru and to be realistic that this is not a straight line, there will be set backs and I need to have a plan for support. Just been to Relate - she described it as snakes and ladders - I was doing well but this news has dropped me down an snake -- but not right to the bottom of the pit of despair - just half way - and I will claw my way out again with focus - on what I set out to achieve originally - a better life for my dcs. 8yo would have heard all the rows last week with me yelling at him about the changing relationship status.

I agree - stop him coming over, stop feeding him and really you need to disengage and stop worrying yourself about his new relationship or lack of. Sorry but who he is or isn't dating is no longer your concern. You need to disengage and fast. And stop trying to control his access to the children - that is no longer your concern and it is up to him to sort it out.