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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

oh no is this a red flag? ?

50 replies

Ouchbloodyouch · 09/03/2015 23:26

I went on a date. It went really well. I'm very attracted fancy a shag . I had a messages tonight saying I am lovely and sexy and kindest person he has ever met. Do I dump now? This is red flag of gargantuan proportions no? He doesn't know me ffs. Advice wise ones.. do people really say this so early on?
I've spent six months LIVING on the relationship boards. I have more boundaries than an OS map. Is there a balance?

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 09/03/2015 23:34

I think it's nothing to worry about ouch. The date went well, the coffee went well, you like him......

It's not like he said he luffs you Wink

Just enjoy it for what it is and set your own pace.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/03/2015 23:44

I think shag first then dump him but im in an evil mood right now Wink

Whatsforsupper · 09/03/2015 23:56

Blimey!

He gave you a compliment and you think its a red flag.

You are way over thinking this.

Whatsforsupper · 09/03/2015 23:58

There is a dating thread.

Pop in you'll get great advice :)

BusyHomemaker · 10/03/2015 00:03

Just be cautious. It does sound a bit full on for after your first date. I don't know your history so it could be past experiences that are making you feel he's being a bit too much but then perhaps you really are the kindest person he's ever met!? Like mentioned previously, set your own pace.

ShonaOCasey · 10/03/2015 00:04

It's a green flag! go for it Grin

Smorgasboard · 10/03/2015 00:07

Depends what you want. Is his complement OTT with cheese on top - yes. Do you want a shag or a relationship? You know him more than us, could he have just inadvertently texted an OTT message? Shag if you want that, hold back on the sex if you want a relationship. Either way, seems reasonable to see him again as the only way to work out if he is genuine or a dick is to grt to know him. Bolt before you have worked out the answer would be reacting to past events possibly,

beautyfades · 10/03/2015 00:07

I get where your coming from but noo just see what happens dnt fk him off for that! Aw!Smile

bunchoffives · 10/03/2015 00:10

I have more boundaries than an OS map. Grin

Shag him, then be really unkind That'll teach him.

Isetan · 10/03/2015 05:40

Either you are the kindest person he has ever met Hmm, or he's laying it on thick to flatter you into dropping your defences, it's too early to call.

I'd ignore this one but if he persists, I would tell him how uncomfortable him spouting this over the top claptrap makes you feel and it's having the opposite effect of whatever he's trying to achieve by saying it.

SensationalGirl · 10/03/2015 05:42

He could be a player. They're always a little overboard in the start. I'd watch him a bit closer too to be honest. On the other hand he could have realised your his soul mate and he's making sure you don't get away.

It's far too early to tell anything.

albal14 · 10/03/2015 06:08

What would you prefer he did?

DontDrinkandFacebook · 10/03/2015 06:25

'I have more boundaries than an OS map.'

LOL! Grin

Erm, it is a bit OTT to say the least but if your weirdo radar didn't twitch when you met him in person I wouldn't write him off just yet. Give him another chance, maybe he just got uncharacteristically carried away for a moment. He might be cringing now and thinking 'Shit, why the fuck did I have to go and say that? She'll think I'm a desperate loser now.'

I am not a desperate loser at all but if I could take back all of the loserish things that have inadvertently popped out of my gob over the years I surely would. ShockBlush

Original poster
Ouchbloodyouch · 10/03/2015 06:25

Thanks all. A few years ago I went out with a textbook narcissist. I didn't know mumsnet existed. At the beginning of that err joyous relationship I had the typical love bombing, future faking, the nicest person he had ever met etc etc. Then blew hot and cold. I've been out with someone decent since then apart from his winky disappearing into another woman and this early behaviour reminds me so much of mr narcy pants. We met up yesterday as we were working in the same area. He did witness something kind I had done (charity thing someone thanked me for) but other than that how can he know.
I will watch and wait... and tell all of you
Also if you are familiar with narcissistic tendencies are you less likely to fall as prey to it?
Absolutely no way would I get caught up in that again. But I didn't know about it back then

OP posts:
Mostlyjustaluker · 10/03/2015 06:27

He is been nice so he it must be a red flag. Think you are over reacting. Of course he being extra nice that means he is trying to make you feel special and get you to like him.

If it feels a bit odd though just stay aware other signals.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 10/03/2015 06:29

Or yes, he might be a player who thinks that the quickest easiest way to bed someone is to make them think he's fallen totally in love. If you suspect this you could just say 'look I quite fancy a shag anyway so let me save you the bother of the cheesy preamble. I'm a sure thing. OK?'

DontDrinkandFacebook · 10/03/2015 06:32

Oh well if he saw actual evidence of your saintly selfless kindness then he was probably being completely genuine and not just labeling you as Kindest Person Ever on the basis of one date, which would be weird.

Sortmylifeout · 10/03/2015 06:36

He's just keen. Give the poor bloke a chance!

Romeyroo · 10/03/2015 06:49

My radar would be going as well, as I would be uncomfortable with the obvious hyperbole. I am badly burnt though by a narc, though. I think if you like him, another date and tell him in a light-hearted way that overblown compliments are not your thing.

But for me, yes, the bunting would be waving, which may be an over-reaction - see what happens

Original poster
Ouchbloodyouch · 10/03/2015 06:51

Ha ha dontdrink I am not a rule girl when it comes to sex. There is no magic third date where they hold you up as some paragon of virtue if you can keep your knick knacks on until then. If they are a shag and dump kind of guy it will happen if you hold out until the 4th or 5th.
May as well get it out of the way. I can go back to my cross stitch if he turns out to be a cad!

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 10/03/2015 06:52

Too early to call, I think.

Log it (as you have) as a potential - amber flag, maybe? - and await developments. See him again, see what else happens.

Because of your previous, you do run the risk of over-reacting - but equally he could be displaying early tendencies, and you can't honestly know just yet.

Good luck with this one!

Auriga · 10/03/2015 06:54

I don't think you'll be caught a second time by a narcissist. Once you've seen what they're up to you can't un-see it.

Handywoman · 10/03/2015 06:58

Another Narc victim here. You can't be too careful tbh........

I would definitely bristle at that text. It's Code Amber: stay alert.

If there are more red flags you may need to dump and run but shag him first or this could be a minor blip if he is a bit bowled over.

Original poster
Ouchbloodyouch · 10/03/2015 07:00

Thanks auriga yep once you have been through that (and discover what it is) ....

OP posts:
HarryConnickSenior · 10/03/2015 07:02

May be too early to tell if he is a narcissist ( I too was badly burnt by one so know where you are coming from) but to be honest if he is not, the OTT nature of his comment makes him seem immature and needy, so that would put me off. A bit of a lose-lose there! Maybe see him again and see if you can find a way to work into the conversation a casual mention that his comment was a bit much, see if he gets the message.