Alcoholic Mother

[wasabipeanut]

Ok, I need to take a deep breath for this. Been trying to pluck up the courage for a while now because whilst I have a lot of support in RL I don't know anybody who's had to deal with this.

My Dad died nearly 2 and a half years ago and my Mum has struggled. She has been drinking heavily for, by my best calculation, around 30 years - certainly since I can really remember (and I'm 42.) She is a vile drunk - verbally abusive and she was physically abusive before my brother and I could fight back. My brother is currently living with her which she suggested having had a rental arrangement go tits up. He moved in temporarily but now feels too worried to move out. He pays her rent so it isn't as if hes taking advantage of her. It's him that I'm getting this info from.

She's currently in bed sleeping off a session that he guesses has gone on since Saturday. She is smashed by lunchtime, covered in bruises and just tops up all evening and night until she passes out. Then she wakes up and starts again. She's stopped taking my calls. last time I spoke and I expressed concern and said I thought she needed help she told me she was fed up of feeling criticised and judged and told me to get off the phone.

She tells my brother to go to the supermarket to buy her booze and if he says no (he has tried - several times) she basically tells him to leave and threatens to chuck his stuff out. (She has actually done that and chucked away a load of clothes out of spite.)

She's stopped going out because she has developed issues with her hearing but the GP says there's nothing wrong. She takes truckloads of meds for epilepsy, inflammation, blood pressure, osteoperosis and God only knows what else. She drank when Dad was around obviously but her health has only taken a dive since he died - she only had epilepsy before he died and shes only on very low dose meds.

I live about a 40 minute drive away and have 3 DC's. She has said some hateful things to me since Dad died and I've swallowed it all because I put it down to grief but she's just turned into this hateful, old woman. Every now and again (and she did this when we were kids) she'll be nice again ( she can be lovely and funny when she chooses) but then reverts to form. She needs help and is clearly depressed, lonely and angry but refuses all suggestions of GP, counselling, volunteer work - anything constructive. She has no friends because her and Dad just never bothered - they were so insular.

I have to stop now because this is the longest post in the world and I know I'm going to end up drip feeding info but really, what the hell can I do? I just got off the phone to my brother and she's in bed, all lights off. Alive - he did check.

I'm really struggling to carry on life with the children knowing this is all happening down the road but I can't physically stop her drinking.

I should point out that this insane level of drinking has only recently occurred in about the last month. She would get blotto quite often before but the sessions were more evenly paced and when she knew she was due to me, DH and the DC's she'd "behave" herself and get an early night. Then apparently go on a huge bender as soon as she got home again.

DH and I do drink - its not like we're starting a temperance movement or something. We just drink, you know, like normal people. She is physically quite small - barely 5 foot and slightly built. I just don't understand how she can be sustaining this level of drinking. Her body seems to be packing up and I'm powerless to stop it. I feel lost.

So you haven't seen her recently? How often do you talk to your brother?

Oh Yes - over 30 years of heavy drinking and her body will indeed likely be packing up. I'm surprised she hasn't shown major physical symptoms already.

Has your brother got anywhere to go if he leaves immediately ? (I'm wondering whether he's hanging on there out of some sense of despairing obligation.)

I last saw her two weekends ago - she came to us, stayed on saturday night and went home on Sunday. I noticed the marks on her arm and asked her and she just said she bruises if she just slightly bangs her arm on something.

My brother was about to rent a room in a shared house but the relevent person whose room he was taking has now delayed moving out. He could doss here short term for a few night if he was stuck - he knows that. When we talk she accuses us him of telling tales and me of judging. I htink obligation is a huge part of why he stays. One day she will fall down the stairs and if we aren't there she's really in trouble.

I've been desperate for her to sell her big house and buy somewhere smaller nearer to us so I can look after her more as she gets more frail. She refuses and says I just want a free babysitter and to get my hands on her house equity.

Which is kind of ironic because I wouldn't leave her in charge of any of my children if she paid me.

This looks even worse when I type it.

She's more likely to be falling over and banging herself very hard on door frames/stairs that sort of thing, I think. Alcoholics usually lie and cover up because they have some remnant in their minds of 'proper behaviour'.

Assuming she's in her 60s and has been doing this for a very long time, I doubt whether she can get out of this. She would have to want to herself and it doesn't sound to me as if she has any motivation to do it. (I'm sorry but that's my view, hard though it is.)

I'm very concerned about your brother and you and your family though - it's not your fault and yet you both sound riddled with guilt and obligation. Have either of you been in touch with Al-Anon? They're a support group for anyone whose lives have been affected by the alcoholism of others.

Other posters may have other contacts and routes for you all to seek help.

She's 70 Cozie and you're right - she won't stop, although I had hoped she could at least get it back down to the level where she could vaguely function. You're right - we are riddled with guilt and obligation. I'm sort of slowly becoming aware that she's done a number on us. Since we lost my dad DH and I have pretty much changed our whole lives to fit her into it. She's here every other weekend pretty much and obviously that had a big impact on our family life. She's ok when she's here and makes big melodramatic statements about how the children "saved her life" etc. whilst also expecting us to wait on her hand and foot.

I'm not really tuned into these concepts but I think she might have some narcissist traits. She kind of twists things and lies and everything is about her. Mind you, it could all be booze. tbh I've lost track of whats her personality and what is alcohol related. I just feel that if I abandon her it's so cruel. It seems to be leaving her to her fate and waiting for the phone call.

I thought about AA - but that's just so final. It's why I came here first. I just need to talk to someone who might understand. DH is lovely and supportive and has out up with a lot without complaint but he doesn't understand because he has nice, normal parents.

For someone who has been drinking so heavily and for so long, I think it's really quite difficult to any longer tell what her 'real' personality is like and eg what factors might have contributed to the problem. I believe that your immediate concern ought to be to salvage your own family (including yourself) and your brother from the effects of her drinking.

You are not responsible for her drinking. Have you heard of the 3 Cs of alcoholism ?

We didn’t cause it – it is not our fault that the other person drinks, it is their private battle

We can’t control it – we have no power over the other person's desire to drink

We can’t cure it – it is an illness that cannot be cured through any known medical remedies

I assume, by the way, that there are no financial barriers to her continuing to drink to excess? (And is she maintaining in the sense of paying ordinary household bills or are you and your brother sorting that out for her?)

No, it is unlikely that you can stop her drinking. You could seek help for family members of drinkers which may help you deal with it.
It is possible that only a slight knock or even spontaneous bleeding could occur and cause bruising, if she has liver damage from drink, as her ability to clot blood could be impaired. Alcoholism causes epileptic-type fits, sometimes not having alcohol for a few hours can induce a fit so I wonder if the epliepsy was related to not always drinking when your dad was around - if so she was already well on the path of alcoholism before he died.
Your brother is less likely to notice this if he sees her every day, but next time you see her it may be prudent to consider her skin tone and if it looks a bit yellow, particularly the whites of her eyes? Jaundice being a classic liver damage sign.
If you could get her to a GP to have a check-up and blood tests, you could find out and let her know starkley the damage she has done - or find out how tough her constitution is, everyone is different. Some physically get away with alcohol more than others but at 70, you'd be very lucky!

Vizier, thank you so much for your responses. That's the first time I've seen 3 C's. Ever since I can remember I've wanted to "cure" her. A couple of times she stopped drinking for a few weeks following a health scare and it was like getting my mum back. And then it would start again with a glass of wine with supper then ramp up sharply.

And no financial barriers. Quite the reverse actually - my Dad left her a good pension. That's the annoying thing - if she'd have been less well off she's have had to downsize and I could have persuaded her to be nearer to me. Mind you, what good it ultimately would have done I don't know. AFAIK she's with it enough to sort correspondence. Pretty much all her stuff is D debit so she doesn't have to sit down with a cheque book.

I am going to bed now as I need a break from thinking about it. Thank you for responding though. I get some time to myself on a Tue so I think I will try to screw up the courage to call AA tomorrow.

Thanks again

Sorry that last reply directed at Cozie not Vizier! Damn you auto correct!

....if she'd have been less well off she's have had to downsize and I could have persuaded her to be nearer to me......

And what good would such a move have done if she'd continued drinking and you and your brother had continued to facilitate it - if only by 'overlooking it'? None at all I suspect.

Anyway - currently she drinks heavily, she has her life set up to enable it, she has enough money to fund it and she has little or no motivation to end it. Even when she comes to your house of a weekend, you do realize that she likely has a bottle stashed in her purse (or similar) to keep her going and then will binge when she gets back home and is 'free' again?

If her GCs aren't enough motivation for her to stop and they clearly aren't - but then your father, your brother and you weren't either - then I think you have to salvage yourselves without fear and with little pity.

Best of luck with Al-Anon.

Hi op, been in your shoes. This won't sound helpful advice but from one who has been through this (both my parents were alcoholics dad dead at 58 mother alive, still drinking and very vicious/abusive) for your own sanity walk away and never look back. Good luck xx

So sorry *okthen." I know I need to walk away and help my brother do the same. It's so hard though. It's like letting go of the idea of a normal Mum. I'm sure you went through the same process.

Thank you for your advice too Smorgasboard . I had wondered if the epilepsy could be linked because it only started about 5 years ago. The bruises look dark purple rather than the usual grey type so the blood clotting impairment fits too. Shit.

Over the years I always wanted to give her an ultimatum - contact with me or the bottle but I could never face it because I knew what she'd choose. It's quite hard to face the fact that my mother loves alcohol more than me. I'm starting to think she's been drinking more heavily since dad died but it's only my brother moving in which has bought it to light.

wasabipeanut,

The 3cs of alcoholism (which have already been stated) are very prescient here for your situation.

Do not put yourself out at all now for your mother; it is all too easy to get sucked in and you cannot do anything to relieve this situation of her making anyway. You need to protect you and your children from her influence. Your brother certainly needs to move out; its unhealthy for him to stay with her and he is enabling her by buying her booze as well.

I would certainly call Al-anon in your particular circumstances as they are very helpful to family members of problem drinkers. It is not your fault your mother is an alcoholic, you have not caused her to be that way.

"Over the years I always wanted to give her an ultimatum - contact with me or the bottle but I could never face it because I knew what she'd choose. It's quite hard to face the fact that my mother loves alcohol more than me".

An ultimatum can only be issued once and if you had said that years ago would you have followed it through fully though?. Probably not but if not they lose all their power. If you had said that she would have chosen alcohol.

I would think her GP realises that she is an alcoholic but if she does not want help there is nothing anyone can do. She has to want to get help for her own self and she will not and does not want to be rescued and or saved.

Her primary relationship is indeed with drink and has been for many years. Everything and everyone else is but of secondary importance.

cozie referred to Al-Anon above, not AA. Al-Anon is for the family and friends of alcoholics, not the alcoholic him/herself. You certainly fit the criteria for contacting the service if you want to.

Realistically I don't think your mother is going to live much longer. I spoke to a nurse not long after I stopped drinking who told me he had seen countless women admitted to rehab drinking similar amounts to the male patients and who died far more quickly.

Are you sure the insular nature of your parents' lives wasn't driven by her alcoholism? A co-dependent relationship like that could be all-consuming, if he was trying to control her addiction and cover it up at the same time.

As to AA seeming so final - AA (or at least sobriety) is the alternative to death. If you mean it would mean her accepting that she can never drink again - well, that's true. She can't.

Honestly, I wouldn't try and move her nearer to you. At best you may discover you have assumed the role of jailer and enabler which your dad may have played before you. I don't think I'd want her around my kids that often, even if she is keeping the drinking under control whilst they're around.

Until she's ready to help herself, there's basically nothing you can do. This book might be worth a read - I have the companion book for the problem drinker and it is excellent, full of very sensible, non-judgey advice.

My mum is an alcoholic who was close to death at one time. We couldn't walk away (fortunately or unfortunately). She would have falls, her blood count was very low, her abdomen very swollen, she couldn't eat anything without being sick, she had (pretty much) permanent diarrhoea, was a very strange shade of yellow and covered in bruises - the purple ones, not the dark grey ones as well. She has cirrhosis of the liver and chronic kidney disease.

We managed to speak to her GP (who was also my GP) and got her admitted to hospital. Her abdomen was drained of ascites. She had the bruises because she was very low on any nutrients - she was on an albumin drip because her cell walls were collapsing, which caused fluid and toxins to build up in her abdomen. She weighed next to nothing. We (my brother, sister and I) were so shocked and traumatised that I asked for a "ball park" amount of time she had left. She was given 6 months.

She is still with us 3 years later. She doesn't drink anymore and all her levels are normal and controlled with drugs. It has been a long, tough road for all of us. But we were lucky, she listened to us.

Lemony - how did you get her admitted without her consent? I didn't think a GP would be able to do that?

Tribpot, that actually makes a lot of sense. God, what an utter mess. I just keep crying because I feel so helpless.

Wasabi - well, it was all a bit odd. My mum told us one story, she told the doctor another story. So my sister phoned the surgery and asked if the doctor could ring her back as she was so worried about our mum. Turns out the doctor was also very worried. The doctor did a home visit with my sister there and got my mum taken into hospital. To be honest, I don't think that my mum was totally with it so didn't put up a fight. She just felt so dreadful.

That's why something like Al Anon might be useful for you. Please don't underestimate the toll on you and your family because of your mother's addiction. You need to move your focus back to you, to your family. You cannot control or change or cure it, as cozie said - and hence the feeling of helplessness. Your challenge is to get off the merry-go-round.

No - you don't need to be helpless even though it may feel like it - contact Al-Anon. It's about you now and not about her.

One further point. You referred to your DH and how supportive he had been.

Among the many damages thaht alcoholics do is that to the personal relationships of others. It's not impossible that he's just hanging on in there hoping vainly that things will change - I don't know because I don't know him as you do. Have you talked to him about her?

Absolutely. I will second tribpot's post there. It has been very tough on all of us. We haven't done AA or Al-Anon, but I think that it's a really good idea. We just didn't think of it at the time.