Alcoholic Mother

[wasabipeanut]

Ok, I need to take a deep breath for this. Been trying to pluck up the courage for a while now because whilst I have a lot of support in RL I don't know anybody who's had to deal with this.

My Dad died nearly 2 and a half years ago and my Mum has struggled. She has been drinking heavily for, by my best calculation, around 30 years - certainly since I can really remember (and I'm 42.) She is a vile drunk - verbally abusive and she was physically abusive before my brother and I could fight back. My brother is currently living with her which she suggested having had a rental arrangement go tits up. He moved in temporarily but now feels too worried to move out. He pays her rent so it isn't as if hes taking advantage of her. It's him that I'm getting this info from.

She's currently in bed sleeping off a session that he guesses has gone on since Saturday. She is smashed by lunchtime, covered in bruises and just tops up all evening and night until she passes out. Then she wakes up and starts again. She's stopped taking my calls. last time I spoke and I expressed concern and said I thought she needed help she told me she was fed up of feeling criticised and judged and told me to get off the phone.

She tells my brother to go to the supermarket to buy her booze and if he says no (he has tried - several times) she basically tells him to leave and threatens to chuck his stuff out. (She has actually done that and chucked away a load of clothes out of spite.)

She's stopped going out because she has developed issues with her hearing but the GP says there's nothing wrong. She takes truckloads of meds for epilepsy, inflammation, blood pressure, osteoperosis and God only knows what else. She drank when Dad was around obviously but her health has only taken a dive since he died - she only had epilepsy before he died and shes only on very low dose meds.

I live about a 40 minute drive away and have 3 DC's. She has said some hateful things to me since Dad died and I've swallowed it all because I put it down to grief but she's just turned into this hateful, old woman. Every now and again (and she did this when we were kids) she'll be nice again ( she can be lovely and funny when she chooses) but then reverts to form. She needs help and is clearly depressed, lonely and angry but refuses all suggestions of GP, counselling, volunteer work - anything constructive. She has no friends because her and Dad just never bothered - they were so insular.

I have to stop now because this is the longest post in the world and I know I'm going to end up drip feeding info but really, what the hell can I do? I just got off the phone to my brother and she's in bed, all lights off. Alive - he did check.

I'm really struggling to carry on life with the children knowing this is all happening down the road but I can't physically stop her drinking.

Maybe listen to some of the podcasts on the Al-Anon site? Remember, you're not alone in your experiences. There are plenty of people - on this board and elsewhere - who have been affected by the damages of alcoholism, both in themselves and with others.

Until she's ready to help herself, there's basically nothing you can do
But you can get some support for YOU - there will be difficult times ahead so you need to start looking after yourself and your family.

All the time Cozie. He's far more clear eyed about it than I am. He said that we have to stop ferrying her to ours and back again every other weekend because its sort of infantilising her and allowing her to avoid having to go and about to get buses etc. now she just gets my brother to drive her instead

The only time he ever lost patience and shouted at her was when she accused me of trying to get my hands on her house. I was so angry I had to leave the room and he shouted at her. It's one of the few times I've ever heard him shout. He's sn uncommonly kind, patient man but he can see what she is more clearly than I can. How I ended up in such a relationship after the clusterfuck that was my parents relationship is a bit of s mystery really.

I am speaking to Al- Anon as soon as I've showered (just worked out - it's one if the ways I cope) and then I may call GP if they think it could work.

Do speak to Al-anon when you can do so today. Also reading their literature is a very good idea. I would also read up on co-dependency as these types of unhealthy behaviours often arise in relationships where alcoholism is a factor.

You ultimately cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. You can only help your own self here by getting your own self support.

As for the GP though, do you mean her GP?. That person's hands are really tied if your mother does not want help from any authority figure. That person therefore may be of not much if any real assistance.

OP, in terms of getting her medical help, your best bet may be for your brother to call 111 one night when she is incoherent. If a doctor comes out and feels she isn't in a fit mental state to make decision about her own care and she needs urgent attention, then they will take her into hospital for assessment.

(I'm basing this on my short history of working in the care industry - our carers looked after a number of addicts, all of whom would frequently refuse hospital treatment when they needed it, but if they were non-responsive our brief was to call 111.)

That said, she will have the right to discharge herself once she sobers up, as long as she's compos mentis.

Neither you nor your brother can cure your mother. If she wants to stop drinking, she will. Sadly, if she wants to continue, she will. She has put her addiction ahead of your welfare for as long as you can remember. I know it's an awful thing to realise, but alcohol is more important to her than you are. She is an addict. Only she can change her behaviour.

You may find it helpful to look at this list of characteristics of adult children of alcoholics You sound pretty sorted and it may be that your dad helped shield you from the worst excesses of your mum's behaviour. Unfortunately in the long run that hasn't really done you or your brother any favours.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I hope both you and your brother can get some emotional support.

Can anyone help me with a question on this subject. My XH is a binge drinker/alcoholic - and his behaviour, speech, eyes etc always change during the 3rd glass (of usually wine). Is there a medical reason?

Sorry for interrupting the thread.

wallypops, prob best to start your own thread in General Health?

Yup fair enough. The question came to me as I read the thread.

Thanks again everyone - you're all lovely, although you do keep making me cry. I called Al-Anon but hung up after they put me on hold. I am ordering some pamphlets and books though. Maybe I'm not quite ready to talk yet. I did that quiz Pocket and unsurprisingly I scored highly. (thank you also for practical med advice - will brief my brother accordingly if he's still there.)

I spent quite a while looking at that link and loads of the comments were very familiar sounding. I suffer from anxiety. It isn't crippling but I have a habit of fixating on things I can't control (EG DH's job, DS1's literacy being examples) and working myself into a panic. I'm aware of it and can talk myself down but if I'm not careful it does go to a full physical panic attack. Which is pretty horrible. Exercise helps a lot - seems to level me out and stop me overthinking things. Helps with the anger too - and there is a lot of anger. I just direct it all inwards rather than make it my family's problem.

It sounds weird but I'm only now become aware how much it's affected me. My sense of responsibility and duty is set at a much higher threshold than normal I think. I'm not great at confronting things - as you have probably established. I'm quite a big fan of repression. Seemed to be working quite well for me until recently.

You may be on the verge of having a breakthrough, where a lot of this repressed anger comes back up to the surface now that you've started to recognise the issues and make connections that weren't there in your conscious mind before. Don't be afraid if you find yourself suddenly angry about everything you've gone through with your mother, you need to let it work through. Are you getting treatment for your anxiety? If not, I wonder if now might be a good time to get some help.

I think the mind works in a weird and wonderful way to protect you, and as you have grown up with this situation you have a lot of unpicking to do.

Read all the threads on here and elsewhere about alcoholism and suddenly there will be something that strikes a cord, but even then you don't necessarily realise that your situation is the same or similar. I'm not explaining it very well, but I hope I have got my point across. Basically you probably won't get overwhelmed by realisations, your mind will only let you peek at a little bit at a time, and when you have accepted one bit, you start to understand another bit.

Well done for at least trying to phone Al-Anon. Knowing your family has an issue is one heck of a big first step.

Wasabi and lemony, I could have written both your posts.

My mother was exactly the same, drank steadily for 30 years (I too am 42). My brother, father and I tried everything over the years to get her to stop, bribes, shouting, tears, begging, the lot. She didn't see what the problem was, she needed a little drink just to calm her nerves each day? She wasn't hurting anyone's etc She listened to no one when we said it could affect her health and for a long time it didn't apoear to be affecting her but gradually it did. She became that she had no appetite, would bruise easily, burn herself on the cooker, she looked a mess. She gradually lost interest in her grandchildren and everyone around her only wanting to watch tv and have a drink by her side.

6 years ago she had major organ failure out of the blue, three weeks in intensive care later she was medically dried out and promising to get help and sort it out as she didn't want to die. I broke down, so thankful that perhaps I could now have my mother as a mother should be. She refused any professional help to get to the bottom of the drinking and within six months she was on low alcohol wine and within a year she was back on it hard. My father enabled the behaviour for an easy life as she grew more and more vile without alcohol. I was devastated and let down all over again.

3 years ago another crisis, she was by now bright yellow, had lost all her teeth and was bleeding from her eyes, she looked shocking in fact, when I visited her in hospital. Still she was adamant that it was her life and if she wanted to drink she would. At this point I decided I'd had enough, I'd been hurt so many times by her, been on the end of her vicious tongue. My father would not man up and get her into residential care to protect his health or our relationship with him. I had to just leave her to it, she would listen to nobody.

The last time I saw her was late last year, I got a phone call from my father as she was in hospital, massively swollen with ascites, she died the following morning just after I arrived from septicaemia and peritonitis.

You need to decide whether you want to stand by and watch her kill herself or walk away, as heartbreaking as it was for me it was the right thing for me to protect my own health as it broke me everytime I knew she was drinking.

Nothing at all I could ever say would make her have changed. All you can do is tell her that if she decides she wants to stop you will help her but apart from that protect yourself. She has to want to stop herself.

I'm so sorry, quadrophonic. How are you doing now?

Thanks, I'm ok, haven't felt the need to grieve too much really, did a bit at first but I have managed to come to terms with the fact she didn't want help. She wanted control over her life and that's how she chose to live it. Sad but true.

Interesting to read such similar stories to mine. I'm also 42. My mum didn't drink for as long, about 15 years, but she managed to do an awful lot of damage to herself. When I was 16 she ended up in a coma and we were told she would die. She actually recovered but spent 6 weeks in hospital. Guess what she did the day she got released? Yup started drinking. She did eventually stop when I had ds1 with my dad's support. However I do worry about what might happen if anything happened to my dad as he is her crutch.
I was so struck by the op's comment that she is starting to feel how much it has affected her. I am starting to notice that I try to hard to make a perfect little world for my children because my home life was so shit at their age.
You have all my sympathy Op. I can't give you any words of wisdom but I do know you can't fix it yourself. It has to be your mum. I used to hide my mum's purse so she couldn't buy alcohol but as soon as she got her hands on it, the cycle would start over again. I think you need to get your db away from that house. He has his life in front of him and she will drag him down. I'm sorry if that's harsh. Thinking of you both and hope you get the support you need.

Quadrophonic that's horrific. I'm so sorry. Lem - thank you for sharing your story too. I know that makes it sound like we're on CBeebies or something rather than reliving such traumatic events but can't think of s better way to put it. It's all just so desperately sad and so wasteful.
I listened to some of the podcasts on the Al-Anon site and found them very sad yet reassuring. Some of the perspectives were different from my own but I can see that people share a lot of similar feelings whether they are spouses, siblings or children of alcoholics. There are some very brave people out there.

And Quadrophonic your Mother sounds so similar to mine in terms of attitude. Her life, her choice. Her aggressiveness in the face of any attempt to question her drinking is terrifying. She literally snarls at you. It's fucking horrible.

Lem your comment about trying to make my DCs life perfect because my childhood, certainly from secondary school age, was so shit also rings a massive bell of recognition for me.

Lem I too try hard to make my kids' lives perfect as my childhood was traumatic.

I'm really interested to hear how so many of us have almost gone in the opposite direction of trying to be perfect parents. Before I had kids it was always in the back of my mind that the children of alcoholics sometimes struggle with alcohol too. I didn't imagine this is how I'd turn out. Sometimes I want to scream at my moody teenager 'you have no idea how lucky you are!'
Op I am so sorry about what you are dealing with. I wish I could offer you some practical advice. The only thing I can say is to keep checking on your mum to make sure she is safe. I don't know what can stop her drinking. Also please tell your brother he is not obliged to stay there and look after her.

wasabi I 2nd getting your brother out of that house asap.

For a start, without him she'll have to find some other way of getting booze and she may simply not manage to get some every day. Terrorising him into getting it for her is utterly cruel and he shouldn't have to live like that. Even if he has to stay at yours. Get him out.

I've had a lot of patients who were drinkers - sadly often the only way they stop drinking is if they develop Wernicke's Encephalophathy/Korsakoff's Syndrome as at least then you can get them into a secure ward in a Nursing Home and you have great peace of mind. Thats alcohol-related dementia btw, and can happen far earlier than 70. You can google it to see the symptoms - as far as I can recall it starts off by always seeming slightly drunk even when sober. Thats the first red flag.

Usually the way drinkers get into hospital in the first place is after a fall when someone calls an ambulance. Then you'll get all the relevant bloods done, liver function tests etc. If your Mum ever does get admitted please ask for a CT Brain, just to see if there's something not quite right.

"If your Mum ever does get admitted please ask for a CT Brain, just to see if there's something not quite right."

Yes, this too. My Mum had had a series of mini strokes caused by the alcohol abuse. Also, when the bloods are taken, the hospital will be able to tell if toxins have built up in the blood due to the cell walls breaking down.