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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Helping dd after sexual abuse

37 replies

MissBlue · 09/03/2015 19:42

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but I didn't know where else to post it.

I seperated from my vile, abusive husband 3 years ago. We have all been to hell and back.

He is currently in prison after pleading guilty to being in possesion of images of child abuse. I've also made a report to the police because he hurt me. I'm just waiting on the decision from the cps as to wether on not they will go ahead with a prosecution.

I've had to seek help for my teenage dd as she's been suffering with depression. Today she told me he had been going into her bedroom at night and touching her.

I'm absolutely devastated and distraught. My head is spinning. I can't believe this has happened. I've let her down and I'm consumed with guilt. I've contacted my local Rasac and they're going to phone us back tomorrow with an appointment.

What do I do to help her? My primary responsibilty as a mother should have been to protect her and I've fucked up big time. She's my baby and I'm just so devestaed that's she's gone through this.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 09/03/2015 19:45

I have no real advice except cuddle her and tell her that you believe her. It took a lot of guts to tell you. Lean on the professionals and look after each other.

littlejessie · 09/03/2015 19:48

How awful for you both (((MissBlue))). It must have been such a huge thing for her to confide in you.

Fugghetaboutit · 09/03/2015 19:50

You have not let her now. He did. He is her father and abused her.

You didn't know. It wasn't your fault. Take care of each other x

Fugghetaboutit · 09/03/2015 19:50

Sorry that should say you have not let her down.

Original poster

MissBlue · 09/03/2015 19:50

I'm lucky in that she's talking to me. We've spent lots of time sat on the couch cuddling, talking and watch daft tv. I just wish I could take it all away.

Ive held it together for years but this is just something else.

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angelicjen · 09/03/2015 19:51

It is your ex at fault, not you. Let her talk, cry, whatever she needs from you and move on from this together. Your relationship will probably be even stronger now. Good luck and know it will all get better.

Original poster

MissBlue · 09/03/2015 19:51

I should have said he was her step dad. Though we we're together from her being very young.

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Original poster

MissBlue · 09/03/2015 19:53

I just feel like my family is falling apart. My dc are all that matter to me but I feel like we are at real crisis point.

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DeriArms · 09/03/2015 19:58

Could not read and run, so sorry that you and she have gone through this.
It says a lot about you as her Mum that she has finally been able to disclose this to you, a very courageous thing for her to do, and a real vote of confidence in you as someone she can trust.
Like the poster said above, reassure her as long as it takes that she is believed, and above all that it is not her fault. You've done brilliantly to get in touch with the RASAC. Try and take some confidence for yourself that they have got your back.

geekymommy · 09/03/2015 20:01

YOU didn't fuck up. HE did. He is child molesting slime. You didn't know. You believed he had the self-control and basic human decency to not molest his stepdaughter.

Original poster

MissBlue · 09/03/2015 20:10

Thank you. I just don't know how we get over this. He's taken my little girls innocence. She has to live her whole life with this and that thought just kills me.

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Theoldcauliflower · 09/03/2015 20:10

Ohh op I'm so sorry for you and your daughter, sending uou lots of hugs!
Please don't blame yourself, it's not your fault it's that vile scums fault, but I know as a mum we feel guilty for everything so I understand why you feel like this but please don't!! I hope you and your dd get the help you need from RASAC!!

for you and your dd

FabULouse · 09/03/2015 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hesterton · 09/03/2015 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BifsWif · 09/03/2015 20:16

This is not your fault, or your daughters. This is his fault and nobody else's - you did not fail your daughter. It is a testament to your bond that she came to you and told you what had been happening.

I'm so, so sorry you are having to deal with this - both of you - but just listen to her, cuddle her and don't question her. I wish I could offer more advice, but I don't have any. You're in my thoughts

geekymommy · 09/03/2015 20:23

Most people don't molest children, so you made an entirely reasonable assumption that he wouldn't molest her. I suspect even most people who are depraved enough to have images of children being molested don't molest children. Unfortunately, your reasonable assumption turned out to be wrong, and he is the kind of scum who molests children.

Original poster

MissBlue · 10/03/2015 10:00

I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner. I'm struggling to form all the thoughts in my head into sentences. I feel frozen with anxiety. I very much appreciate all your replies though and am reading them all.

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ImperialBlether · 10/03/2015 10:46

Your poor daughter. You are taking this to the police, aren't you?

Original poster

MissBlue · 10/03/2015 11:43

She determined she doesn't want to but I'm hoping once she has started working with Rasac she'll feel strong enough to be able to talk to the police.
In the short term it has to be about getting dd to a place were she is in a better place. Long term I absolutely want to see the bastard in court for what he has done.

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queenofthepirates · 10/03/2015 11:52

Do think about seeking help for yourself as well. If you are suffering from anxiety, it is impacting on you. You may have not been sexually abused but you need help to be strong for your DD. Please don't do it alone.

ImperialBlether · 10/03/2015 11:57

Better to act now while he's in prison for similar offences, I would think.

What a bastard. Your poor daughter. I hope she finds the strength now to get past this. Does she feel safer with him in prison?

pocketsaviour · 10/03/2015 11:58

Hello, I'm so sorry for both of you

I was abused by my dad from the ages of 11 to 13, every day. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with it but it IS POSSIBLE to heal and have a normal life - in fact a life of knowing you are strong enough to survive anything.

Your daughter will need help from professionals as well as the support from you, but your loving help will reassure her that she is worth healing.

My mum was an absolute waste of space when I told her I was being abused and that actively damaged the healing process.

It sounds like you are absolutely doing the right things to support your daughter, but here are some things that she will need to hear from you (I'm sure that you have already said many if not all of these)
It was not her fault
All of the shame and pain belongs to him
He chose to abuse her, she in no way can be held responsible (he probably told her she was "seductive")
Its okay to talk about this, she does not have to keep his secrets (he undoubtedly told her bad thing would happen if she told)
Everyone she tells will believe her (he will have told her they won't)
He may have told her "I know you like this" or similar - if her body had a physical response to what he did, that is not her fault - our bodies are designed to reproduce and if they are physically stimulated then that causes a response. It does not mean that she wanted the abuse in any way or that she has to feel ashamed or guilty.
(I have most commonly seen that last response in boys who have been manipulated into erection, but I have known it with female survivors too)
She is not a slag or a slut or a whore - he did this to her, it was not something she wanted or participated in.

Regarding prosecution, please do not push her but let her know she will have full support from you and from victim support if she does go ahead. As he is already in prison on related charges, the chances of a conviction go way up.

jetsetlil · 10/03/2015 11:58

Oh God! I am so sorry for you all. You must be a wonderful mother and it is brilliant that your DD could open up to you. I was abused by a neighbour as a child. Never told my parents. I loved them to bits but sex was a very taboo subject in our house 40 years ago and I just couldn't tell them

3littlebadgers · 10/03/2015 12:02

Miss blue I pm'd you

Original poster

MissBlue · 10/03/2015 12:30

Thank you for sharing your experience, pocketsaviour. It's really brave of you, I'm just sorry that you went through that.

I do want dd to report this to the police but it has to be her decision. I don't want to say her age as I'm very worried about outing myself but she is almost an adult. At the moment I'm just glad she has agreed to talk to Rasac. I'm not sure she is strong enough to go through the police process atm. Having done it myself I know how very, very hard it is. I think it would be too much for her unless she was absolutely certain it's what she wanted to do.

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