Helping dd after sexual abuse

[MissBlue]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but I didn't know where else to post it.

I seperated from my vile, abusive husband 3 years ago. We have all been to hell and back.

He is currently in prison after pleading guilty to being in possesion of images of child abuse. I've also made a report to the police because he hurt me. I'm just waiting on the decision from the cps as to wether on not they will go ahead with a prosecution.

I've had to seek help for my teenage dd as she's been suffering with depression. Today she told me he had been going into her bedroom at night and touching her.

I'm absolutely devastated and distraught. My head is spinning. I can't believe this has happened. I've let her down and I'm consumed with guilt. I've contacted my local Rasac and they're going to phone us back tomorrow with an appointment.

What do I do to help her? My primary responsibilty as a mother should have been to protect her and I've fucked up big time. She's my baby and I'm just so devestaed that's she's gone through this.

Please don't mention anything to her about 'taking her innocence' or 'living with this forever.' 'Taking her innocence' implies she then becomes the opposite of innocent (which is?) and that she is marked forever, unclean. She can absolutely get through this, it is not a life sentence. She was unlucky to have come into the sights of this man, but it was one part of her life and she has every chance of being happy, very happy. There is a lot of work ahead to deal with it, but it absolutely can be dealt with.
Express your upset at what happened but don't talk too much with her about your thoughts and feelings, she may clam up in order to avoid hurting you. Talk here or elsewhere about how you feel.
Don't let this define her. She is still your wonderful girl, she just needs to get through this and you can help her.

cailindana thank you, that's really helpful advice. You are absolutely right, I can't let this define her. I haven't said those things to dd but I may have ended up doing so, so I'm really glad you said that.

Your post is very uplifting because it makes me feel better thinking that she does indeed have every chance to live a happy life.

I don't know about Her Majesty's prisons, but from what I've heard, offenders who have harmed children are at the bottom of the prison hierarchy in prisons here in the US. Even most people who do the kind of things that land them in prison think that harming children is a terrible thing to do.

Does the doctor or therapist who she has been seeing for depression know about this? They need to.

You believe her, you don't think this was her fault, and you are getting help for her. That's what she needs you to do.

Of course she has every chance of a happy life. What makes abuse really destructive and toxic is secrecy and shame. It makes the survivor blame themselves and feel very lonely and misunderstood. If you're on her side, and give her every opportunity to talk about it and get help with it then there is every chance she will deal with it very effectively and have a lovely life. It's important that you let her know that - that the things every young person wishes for are still open to her, this will not stop her, she will be fine.

From (bitter) experience I can tell you what not to do.

Don't tell her she has to keep it secret. It will make her feel like she was in the wrong. (my mother)

Don't use it as a story or interesting piece of gossip and don't tell people without her permission (a person I thought was a good friend)

Don't tell her that you know how you feel because X happened to you before. It will make her feel like you don't really understand what she went through/is going through (again mother, and it was not in the same category at all)

And as much as you are hurting, and I'm sorry to say this to you, don't make her feel like she has to make you feel better for how much you are hurting.

Love her. tell her. give her time and then more time.
It might get worse for her now that she isn't burying it, but it will get better. Maybe years, but explain that it won't get worse.

Also, if she has nightmares, one thing that my counsellor suggested doing was no tv/reading before bed. I wanted my mind to relax. So I would sort photos into photo albums. That may not be appropriate for your daughter, but something like that.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.
And please excuse me if I don't come back to this thread, it's quite triggering. I just wanted to come on to see if I could help, even a tiny bit, someone else.

It is very encouraging that she has felt able to confide in you, and that you are taking a calm and thoughtful approach to letting her know you believe her and will support her through this.

I agree this does not need to 'define' her but there will be a lot of slow work to do to help her emerge from the other side. With you on 'her side' and good professional help she WILL do so.

My thoughts are with you both.x

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your replies and I am taking on board everything you have all said.

I don't know if I can do this. I feel totally overwhelmed. I have 3 children and no family support. I don't know how to stay strong.

There is a really good book called 'the protector's handbook' which takes you right through how to help her. I would also consider accessing your local sexual assault referral centre who may be able to support you both, whether she goes to the police or not

Take care. You can both come through this.

Thank you, I'll have a look for that book. I've spoke to my local Rasac this afternoon. She has an initial appointment on the 25th. I was hoping it would be sooner tbh.

I've just ordered that book from Amazon. I need all the help I can get.

You are in shock at the moment. But she is safe, so you don't need to do anything fast. Try to carry on normal life, but acknowledge her need to talk if she wants that. I'm a foster carer and have looked after lots of sexually abused children. They need normality, support in developing safe relationships, and to know there is no shame- don't make the subject taboo, but encourage her to keep it private ( ie not tell everyone at school). There is help out there, but there may be a wait. Lots of young people don't need intensive therapy, so don't think she is missing out by not being seen now. The most important thing is that she feels loved and supported.