Guilt Guilt Guilt. I'm being crushed by it and I can't move on.

[hatethisfeeling]

Hi,

I really didn't know where to post this- LGBT, SN, Mental Health. So I thought I'd post it here as I used to be a regular poster, although have NC for this.

I've had depression on and off since I was a child. I was in a very unhappy relationship for almost a decade, which stripped me of my confidence (if I ever had any) and gave me little hope of ever being 'properly' happy. I think I just trained myself to accept that this was my life, people have it worse than me and just get on with it basically.

I have an 8 year old DD who is bright, beautiful and creative. She has big problems socialising though and the older she gets, the more obvious it is and the more aware she is becoming. She's starting to feel very different and is wondering why the other children in her class don't really play with her. Academically, she is doing well. Behind in some things, ahead in others, just like most kids I suppose. I think this is why school are saying that everything is fine. She's not disruptive. She's not needing their extra time, so they tend to just agree that she's quirky, but it's not a problem. She'll just have one or two good friends, but not be one of the popular girls who's friends with everyone. Well, I'm honestly not bothered about her being the most popular, but I can't bear the thought of her being unhappy and I'm starting to think that she is. I honestly do believe that it's my fault.

When she was very little, I had undiagnosed PND I suspect and I was full of anxiety. The idea of taking her to a mother and toddler group, or even to the park, filled me with dread. My stomach still flips now, just remembering that feeling. So a lot of the time, I would just avoid it and I'm absolutely terrified now, that that has contributed massively to her social problems. She's always felt loved, I know that, but that's not what it's all about is it.

Her dad and I split about 3 years a go and I met a woman, who I fell for very quickly. Didn't identify as bisexual, so this was a very unexpected thing to happen. The 3 of us now live together and my DD has recently moved school, as we had to move for work and also, her old school just wasn't right for her. Yes, overall this school is better for her, but I worry so much that she'll be teased because of my sexuality/relationship.

I worry that I've just given the bullies more ammunition, even though I'm not doing anything wrong! My DP is brilliant with her and she is a definite positive influence in her life, but I just can't help worrying that not only will she be bullied for being different, or 'weird' (which I still feel is my fault) but she'll be bullied because of a choice I made to live with a woman, which I know isn't anything to be ashamed of. There have been a few comments made already, which she's handled well, but I don't want her to have to stick up for me. She shouldn't have to. I'd be lying if I said that I don't still struggle with being open and out.

I cry so much because the guilt and sadness I feel, is quite simply crippling. I have this routine recently, where before bed I brush my teeth, cleanse, tone, moisturise, cry.

I just don't know what to do. My DP tries really hard to keep me positive, but I don't want her to feel like it's her job. We recently got engaged and whereas I am genuinely happy about it, all this is getting in the way of me being able to relax and properly celebrate and look forward to the future.

Even typing this now, I'm breathless, my heart is thumping and I feel sick.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I just want this feeling to go away.

Thank you.

Some people are just like your DD, regardless of what their parents do, have done or are like.
Others are naturally outgoing.

It would be much more productive if you supported her in accepting the way she is. That it's ok to be different, to have one or two true friends than many (often superficial) friends.

Are there any signs that she is bullied, even?
Don't stress yourself thinking of what might happen.
Be alert and ready to intervene, but all she needs now is your support in being herself.

Oh my dear, you sound so low and I'm actually welling up as I can feel your sadness through your words.

Have you seen your doctor about the way you feel? I think as parents we do tend to feel guilty and responsible for our child's happiness, but not to this extent.

Have you spoken to any LGBT parenting groups? I would imagine as you have only very recently been in a same-sex relationship, that you don't have a wide support network of friends in a similar situation. Does your DP have any friends who are also parenting? Would it help to talk to them?

Please know that you are doing NOTHING WRONG by living your life loving who you love. If your daughter is picked on because of that, it's the bullies at fault, NOT YOU.

I do support her and I when she has told me she feels different I tell her that it's good to be different and that it would be boring if everyone was the same.

I have heard some nasty comments, yes. My DD has quite an immature way of speaking and I have seen a couple of boys doing impressions of her. She has told me that some of the girls say that she's too weird to play with them.

Have you thought about letting her join the brownies? It's a great way to build confidence in children and she may well meet some good friends there.

Also have you asked her if she would like to choose a friend to take to soft play after school one night?

How about you ask her not to broadcast your relationship at school? Obviously I don't know if she does or not but kids can be cruel and I think this is one less battle she could be fighting iyswim

You know that whatever you do or are, bullies will always find something to pick on.
Bullying should be reported immediately to the school, or talked about with parents, and the school should be active about it.

What is good for you and makes you happy is good for your dd. She is lucky to have a mum who is in a caring loving relationship. All kids should have that but they don't.

There have been studies done on children who have trouble making friends. Google Dr Fred Frankel. There have been many promising results in the field.

Oh. The doctor works a lot with children with developmental issues. I'm not suggesting that is the case with your dd. Just that his research could be helpful.

Well, you sound lovely! I'm sure your DD is reassured by the fact that you are happy and that she doesn't feel she is solely responsible for your well-being and happiness. The fact she is witnessing you in a loving relationship is probably reassuring to her in ways you don't realise.

Yes, the comments are definitely something to be cautious of and wary about because kids can be really bad sometimes when they're in a group and when they find a target. As nothing major has happened yet I would cross that bridge when you come to it.

In a few years her friends will be thinking you're cool.

I wonder if you've spoken to the teaching staff at her school? Do they know about the nasty comments, the exclusion and the mimicking? They're often quite good at the pastoral side of things these days, they should have a strong anti-bullying policy, and if they know your home situation they can form a more complete picture and help your DD fit in better.

For example, they may choose to have a lesson about diversity and talk about the fact that families come in all shapes and sizes. Which they do, of course. Yours happens to be a same-sex relationship but there will be others in the class who have parents in separate homes, lone parents, or have extended family living with them, or are adopted.

pocket, thank you. Yes, I went to my GP a month or so ago and am on the waiting list for CBT. I had that not that long ago, so I'm very frustrated and deflated to be finding myself in this dark place again.

Quite, she's joined something similar actually, but I don't think she's enjoying it that much. I get what you're saying about not broadcasting my relationship, but surely that would make it seem like a dirty little secret, no? I battle with this so much and feel like I am making steady progress with that, so asking her to keep it hush hush, would seem like I was going backwards.

Lweji, well actually I have parents evening tonight and they know my concerns already and have been keeping their eye on it apparently, so we'll see what their findings are. They tend to say that if she's being teased in the playground, there's not much they can do, because they don't see it and so can't punish the bully. Just seems ridiculous to me.

I agree sakura. Lesbians and bisexuals are considered cool in my dds high school. One of the popular boys is 13 and openly bi.

My DS has always been fairly shy and keeping to himself.
I have enrolled him in different activities where he contacts different children and different settings, which I think has helped him develop some social skills, which are still not great. He takes a long time to get close to other children.

The school can do more than punish bullies. They can EDUCATE.

Sensational, thanks. I will google.

Sakura, thank you, that's nice to hear.

Cog, I have never actually mentioned my relationship, but I assume they know as I know DD talks about us. I may bring it up tonight. It's a church school, with a very strong christian ethos, so I'm not really sure how much they discuss family diversities. I'm not a christian myself, but this school ticked all the boxes with regards to size, location etc.

lweji, yes, but their point remains the same. If they don't see it, they can't do anything about it.

Missed your last post Lweji. Ah, well I hope that your DS continues to make progress.

Doesn't matter that it's a religious school. They have to conform to various standards, one of which is encompassing diversity and another of which is to stamp bullying out if it rears its ugly head.

As you said up-thread, you're doing nothing wrong. Same sex relationships are completely normal and legitimate. So there's absolutely no place for guilt whatsoever. You should be indignant that your DD is being excluded or teased for any reason. Rather than making assumptions, give the school the full picture and set them the challenge of making sure DD is included and not bullied.

I should also point out, that she tries really hard and does want friends, but she doesn't really interact in the same way that most 8 year old girls do. She's quite full on and intense. She tends to get on with boys better because she can do the running around, rough and tumble play. She can't really do the every day chit chat. If a girl goes over and talks to her, her shoulders go up and I can see all the signs of anxiety come to the surface.

Then explain that to the school as well. My own DS struggled to fit in at primary, experienced some bullying and felt excluded. The teacher was very good and made sure he got 'rotated' around the class, doing work with different children and getting to know them better in a supervised setting. They also did roleplaying sessions on things like being kind to each other. There's lots of stuff they can do but only if they know there's a problem and only if you step on their toes a little and demand action....

Cog, you're absolutely right.

Yes, she is.
Rather than making assumptions, give the school the full picture and set them the challenge of making sure DD is included and not bullied.

This is what I meant by educate.
They are supposed to create an environment that does not encourage or allow bullying, not necessarily by punishing bullies, but by encouraging inclusion, respect, diversity, and so on.
If they are failing, they should be called on it.

"If they are failing, they should be called on it."

Fully agree. And IME they should be called on it, called on it, threatened with letters to the LEA and told to get the headteacher to give a personal update on progress, and called on it some more.... etc :) Your child will gain confidence knowing that you and your partner are going into bat fully padded rather then letting her endure anything solo.

Lots of good suggestions already. I just wanted to add that I was rather like your DD when I was 8. I was somewhat bullied - nothing really serious but, like you're saying, a bit of mockery from my peers, being excluded by them, that kind of thing. I know my parents were quite worried about it at the time.

But, in the end, it was fine. It took quite a long time - the latter part of primary wasn't great for me but secondary school shook things up a bit and I made a really good friend (we're still friends now) who was also a bit quirky/different. I made a few more over the years and, by the time I got to 6th form, I had a really good group of friends. I never was one of the cool kids but I had friends, was pretty confident, did lots of activities, had a boyfriend.

I think what helped was: doing lots of different activities after school/in the holidays, including socialising with children of different ages (for some reason, I found it a lot easier being with children who were younger or older, it was kids my own age I struggled with most); my parents being very encouraging when I did meet a girl at school that I clicked with and having her over a lot, making friends with her parents, etc; doing speech and drama in particular helped me analyse how I put myself across and helped me act confident even when I wasn't.

Honestly, I think your DD will be absolutely fine. I'm more worried about you, to be honest, it sounds like you're really struggling with depression - is it possible for you to pay for counselling privately?

If the school is religious in a Judeo-Christian tradition, you should know that the Bible has a lot more to say about how to treat other people than it does about same-sex relationships. Does "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" or "What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbour" ring any bells?

Have you had her screened for autism spectrum type disorders? Some of what you've mentioned sounds like it could be something like that. If she's on the autism spectrum, that has nothing to do with your socializing her as a baby, your sexual orientation, or your relationship status. There are also interventions that can help, if this is the problem, and the earlier you start them, the better.

It's also possible that she might have an anxiety disorder, especially if you had anxiety after she was born. Anxiety disorders run in families, and yes, they can show up this early.

I've got a quirky middle one, who is coming up to 8. He's sat here looking like a mad professor, glued to YouTube videos that are plain (appropriate) weird. He sounds a bit strange when he speaks too, squeaky. Sometimes he us selectively mute. Super clever etc. He doesn't have any close friends. He seems to dance to his own tune. It's hard isn't it? I had PND with him too.

However, I feel a huge amount of guilt about all 3 dc's though, eldest is popular, sociable & he is a looker. My little girl is extremely lovable & chatty but I look at all 3 & panic I've done it all wrong. I think it's just parenting!

I don't think your dd is quite the reflection of you that you think. She's her own little person and whilst you will have had an influence ALOT of her personality is just her. I think your anxiety is magnifying your behaviours and experience and relationship and relating it to her quirks when in reality it's just her quirks!

I just strive to be there. I give time, no judgement and like you lots of love and hope for the best. You sound like you are doing just great with her and she sounds fantastic too. Quirky, weird and different can lead to great accomplishment (fingers crossed!).