Guilt Guilt Guilt. I'm being crushed by it and I can't move on.

[hatethisfeeling]

Hi,

I really didn't know where to post this- LGBT, SN, Mental Health. So I thought I'd post it here as I used to be a regular poster, although have NC for this.

I've had depression on and off since I was a child. I was in a very unhappy relationship for almost a decade, which stripped me of my confidence (if I ever had any) and gave me little hope of ever being 'properly' happy. I think I just trained myself to accept that this was my life, people have it worse than me and just get on with it basically.

I have an 8 year old DD who is bright, beautiful and creative. She has big problems socialising though and the older she gets, the more obvious it is and the more aware she is becoming. She's starting to feel very different and is wondering why the other children in her class don't really play with her. Academically, she is doing well. Behind in some things, ahead in others, just like most kids I suppose. I think this is why school are saying that everything is fine. She's not disruptive. She's not needing their extra time, so they tend to just agree that she's quirky, but it's not a problem. She'll just have one or two good friends, but not be one of the popular girls who's friends with everyone. Well, I'm honestly not bothered about her being the most popular, but I can't bear the thought of her being unhappy and I'm starting to think that she is. I honestly do believe that it's my fault.

When she was very little, I had undiagnosed PND I suspect and I was full of anxiety. The idea of taking her to a mother and toddler group, or even to the park, filled me with dread. My stomach still flips now, just remembering that feeling. So a lot of the time, I would just avoid it and I'm absolutely terrified now, that that has contributed massively to her social problems. She's always felt loved, I know that, but that's not what it's all about is it.

Her dad and I split about 3 years a go and I met a woman, who I fell for very quickly. Didn't identify as bisexual, so this was a very unexpected thing to happen. The 3 of us now live together and my DD has recently moved school, as we had to move for work and also, her old school just wasn't right for her. Yes, overall this school is better for her, but I worry so much that she'll be teased because of my sexuality/relationship.

I worry that I've just given the bullies more ammunition, even though I'm not doing anything wrong! My DP is brilliant with her and she is a definite positive influence in her life, but I just can't help worrying that not only will she be bullied for being different, or 'weird' (which I still feel is my fault) but she'll be bullied because of a choice I made to live with a woman, which I know isn't anything to be ashamed of. There have been a few comments made already, which she's handled well, but I don't want her to have to stick up for me. She shouldn't have to. I'd be lying if I said that I don't still struggle with being open and out.

I cry so much because the guilt and sadness I feel, is quite simply crippling. I have this routine recently, where before bed I brush my teeth, cleanse, tone, moisturise, cry.

I just don't know what to do. My DP tries really hard to keep me positive, but I don't want her to feel like it's her job. We recently got engaged and whereas I am genuinely happy about it, all this is getting in the way of me being able to relax and properly celebrate and look forward to the future.

Even typing this now, I'm breathless, my heart is thumping and I feel sick.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I just want this feeling to go away.

Thank you.

Op nothing is your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about, you sound a very loving and supportive parent

In terms of dd is there a hobby she is interested in..dancing, swimming, tennis...anything that would capture her attention and get her more involved in some social activities

Half the battle at school is the mums mafia, can you take part in any school activities, get to know the mums and then invite the kids on some play dates?

I've been very busy tonight, but just wanted to say thank you so much for all your replies and I will respond properly tomorrow.

You sound like you have an anxiety disorder (and maybe depression, they go closely together). There is lots and lots of help for this - medical and non-medical, such as CBT. If you can be brave and go and speak to your GP and find out what is available, you can start turning things around.

Agree with all ladies! Just some personal experience : my premature little twins got problems. A lot. Especially in socializing. One was laughed at because he suffered slightly from dyspraxia, so his speech was a bit impeded. Now (10) one- the on with dyspraxia is fine - almost popular- whilst the other still prefers the computer to people. They have excellent school results and are overall happy- the one with dyspraxia loves that he is different so much so that he is glad that he was born premature following an accident!!! but it is a lot of work. The school knows about their problems. They are not that active in helping them but the staff give a lot of attention to them. My kids feel that the teachers and the head-teacher love them. They sometimes wonder why is it the case? Anyway any problem they have they take it to the teachers or to the head-teacher who sometimes do deal with it and sometimes just listen to them. So there is always something that can be done to alleviate the pain of a little child by the staff: a hug- listening - building resilience. Repeat to your kid that the other kids do not understand what they do and some of them have a very low self-confidence and some of them are irremediably cruel and it is better to stay far from them.
You say she wants to socialize, prefers kids of different age brackets and has problems socializing. My kids are the same. And you know what: both are ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Immaturity and difficulty in socializing are quite common among ADD kids. So I would suggest that you take her to do some developmental checks. You insist on doing them thoroughly. (If she is the quiet type that does not disrupt at class but just daydream then they might miss her ADD).
I have learnt that when the parents do not feel OK as parents, kids pick this up and think that they- kids- themselves are not OK. So be confident in your motherhood skills (you come across as a wonderful mum), feel OK about yourself as a mum and as a person. This will reflect on your daughter.
About your sexuality: do not hide it and I agree with you that if you do it then your kid might think it is shameful. Don't let it define you (Ah! this Lesbian Mum) but do not hide it. People and kids will talk about it at the start but then they will tire of it. Keep an eye and make the school staff keep an eye on your kid so that your kid is not victimized.
If I were you I would go with my P to the parents evening. Express your worries about your daughter's feelings in the school and about the bullying. As Cogito said: make the school works to make her feel good- role-playing, shared project etc
Good Luck

mama

As usual, a great post

I think you need to stop been so harsh on yourself. I took my son to playgroups, he socialised with all the neighbours children yet he is quite the introvert. People have different temperaments, that's ok :)

Thanks so much everybody. I really appreciate everyone's advice and encouragement.

My DD also has coordination problems. Can't ride a bike, swim (we're working on that and she goes every week) and used to struggle coming down the stairs. Also, in PE they've started to do gymnastics and she can't do cartwheels, hand stands etc. Her speech is somewhat unusual you might say. She has been seen by a SALT, but they didn't agree. I can have good conversations with her. Proper chit chat, but when it comes to her talking to girls her own age, she completely freezes.

Parents evening was ok. I suggested that we concentrated on the social side of things, rather than the academic and her teacher agreed. She basically said she was very up and down and you could get a different DD from one day to the next. She comes into her own during show and tell apparently and she believes, as do I, that it's because she's almost pretending to be somebody else. She says that she can be very friendly one minute and the next, she's very passive and doesn't really want to talk to anyone, although I suspect that's due to lack of confidence and worrying that she won't know how to talk to them, or what to talk about. Anyway, they said that they will organise some in school help with the school counselor, which will also involve group work apparently. Keeping everything crossed that it helps her. She's having a good day today, although she's off school with her asthma. She seems much more settled and easy to get on with. Not sure what the reason is. I used to always put i her mood changes down to diet, but I'm not so sure anymore. Although that's something I really keep an eye on.

I had a really bad night last night. I think I just let go completely and I just couldn't stop crying. Think I dropped off about 5 this morning, so as you can imagine, feeling rather crappy today. I think I needed it though. I normally try to stop myself from losing it like that, but my DP told me to just let go, which is unlike her actually. She may have regretted saying that, bless her. She had to be up really early for work and the last thing she needed was hearing me sob all night! She's unbelievably supportive, which I'm incredibly grateful for.

I am waiting for my CBT appointment, but it could take over a month. I can't afford to pay for it privately unfortunately, no. Starting to feel quite desperate.

You sound like a wonderful mother, and you should bear in mind that children also have their ups and downs and their own problems, and that's there's nothing wrong with your child being different (all children are different, after all, it's just that many of them "adapt" better to what is perceived to be the norm - which I think is rather sad in itself).

And yes, your child will suffer. That is inevitable. All children suffer, at some point or another. I know it is very hard for adults to stomach, but they do. It's part of growing up. The thing is that she shouldn't suffer on a regular basis.

And please don't take this as an attack on you, because, as I said, I think you are a great mother who clearly loves her child. But have you thought that she might be picking up on your own unhappiness? If you cry every night and are anxious on a regular basis, you can be 100% certain that your child perceives it, directly or indirectly. And children of unhappy parents are unhappy, to a greater or lesser degree.

So, ironically, you may be creating a loop here: you worry and are sad because your child is unhappy, and this in turn feeds into your daughter's unhappiness.

You seem to be doing all the right things. So I would make light of all this, for your daughter and for yourself. Don't turn this into an issue, don't make her feel "different" in a bad way. And don't show her that she is a cause of concern for you, because that will certainly disturb her.

You also sound like you have issues with your sexuality - or being open about your sexuality - which are also feeding into it. It looks like you believe on some level that your daughter would be happier in a "normal" family or something like that, and hence the guilt. These issues you should deal with on your own, and separately from your concerns about your daughter.

Distance, that's very kind of you to say. I don't take anything you're saying as an attack on me. It's very constructive and I agree. I try my hardest not to let it show, but yes, children are incredibly perceptive and I would even say that my DD is more perceptive than most.

You're right, I do struggle with my sexuality. I think mainly because I didn't go through a slow realisation/acceptance phase. I didn't grow up thinking I was anything other than straight. Had the odd girl crush, but then most of my straight friends did. As I mentioned upthread, I fell very suddenly for my gf. It was all so fast and I didn't really know what to do with that. My parents, who were borderline homophobic before, were very supportive, surprisingly and they now love her to pieces. We've had the odd heated debate about gay rights etc, but generally speaking, they're much more open minded which is obviously a massive positive. I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't paranoid about getting negative reactions. We have had them, so unfortunately, my worries became reality, so it's even harder to shake it off iyswim. Being a very feminine lesbian couple seems to throw people, even annoy people, so it's difficult to ignore sometimes. I'm really hoping that my CBT can help me with this.

hate

Why were you crying , that sounds like an awful lot of pain, where is it coming from

Christina, it's a build up of a lot of things I guess. The guilt though, is incredibly overwhelming recently. It doesn't seem to matter what anyone tells me when I'm in a dark place like last night. I genuinely believe that I have messed so much up.

Oh hate, we all have times like that believe me...if I told you some of the major fucks up I have managed to achieve you would feel better!

I was bullied - and I mean seriously bullied - as a child because I come from a very bookish family, with intellectual interests, and I was very academic.

That doesn't mean that my family should have stopped reading books, or that I should have dumbed myself down to "fit in". There was nothing wrong with my family, and there's nothing wrong with yours.

OP, you sound lovely, as do all the people around you. DD's oddities are no great obstacle these days. Your guilt has no true cause, even if it cause real pain.

But I would suggest antidepressants as a first step. To deal with your pain you first need to mute it. Therapy is a conversation with your deficits; some must be suppressed, some modified, some lived with. Can't do that while they're yelling at you.

Good luck from a former weird kid.

Distance, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Horrible. I don't feel that there is anything wrong with my family and as an adult, I can take negative bigoted attitudes and deal with them, but for a child, obviously it's different as they don't yet have the tools, or experience to defend themselves. Also, it's not like my DD hasn't known any other. She doesn't come from same sex parents. She's experienced the 'normal' mum and a dad family. I'm not sure if she'd find it easier to cope with or harder if that was her background.

Disgrace, I'm very dubious about going on AD's. I was on them when I was very young and had a terrible time coming off them. Absolutely horrific. Those ones have since been banned -Seroxat. I honestly do wonder if they've done me permanent mental damage. I lost my education because of my depression and anxiety in my teens, but I'm not 100% sure that the Seroxat didn't make it worse. I've read some awful stories about this drug, so my concern is certainly justified......unfortunately.

Hi hate

How are you today?

Hi Christina,

I'm not too bad today. I've still got the pounding heart though, so feel quite worn out. I'm trying my best to not think about anything negative and keep busy.

My DD seems happy today, so that helps massively.

ADs are so much better now, I was on citalopram for a while after I had ds and was fine with them

Children are much more open-minded than we give them credit for. What she wants is for her parents to be happy, and to feel loved. If she sees that her mother's girlfriend makes her mother happy, she'll be happy.

You need to help her if there is bullying going on about this in her school. It is unacceptable, and your daughter should know it. And of course, it should stop.

Children are much more open-minded than we give them credit for.

They are. However, sometimes some children have already been influenced by parents who are not.
That is why the school also needs to work on educating their children on respect and not to bully for any reason.

You have received some great advice on here. I think tackling your own depression and anxiety is just the most important advice though, because if you are feeling stronger and less fragile, you will be more able to cope with whatever your dd is going through, which I have to be honest, sounds like the normal trials and tribulations of being an 8 year old girl.

The teacher at my dd's old school said that friendship issues tend to peak at around 8/9 and both my dd's have been through difficult times around this age. There is a lot of make friends/break friends, silly comments, excluding and just general being a pain-ness in girl groups and lots of girls prefer to play with the boys for this reason (plus like the running about) but this is the age the boys often start to cluster together and not always want to play with girls.

Your description of your dd could be my dd, and we have a different home life and different early experiences, so you mustn't think you have 'caused' her to be like this- it's her little personality, some kids are just much better at being children than others, mine have always been quirky, academic, not always fitting in with the other girls, it's just the way they are, and I've told them it's fine to have only one or two really good friends who aren't mean to you- much better than being popular yet always in these difficult groups.

Both of mine have had to find their own way through this social maze- one thing that has helped that has already been suggested is to do other activities out of school, such as sport (swimming club) and Brownies/Guides which have given them other interests and other friends outside school.

Good luck with it all, but crying daily is a sign you are low and you need to tackle this first rather than fixate on your dd's problems- sounds like you have a great supportive partner, so tell her you need help to fix this/to go to the drs etc and go for it. I would consider ADs as well as CBT but of course it is your decision.

OP, you sound like an amazing parent. I honestly think that a lot of what you are saying is the depression talking. I hope that the CBT will help you once you get started.

Your DD sounds delightful. I think it's important to realise that not all of us in the world are extroverts. Sometimes there is this model for the way children 'should' be that we would never insist upon in adults - we don't all have loads of friends and want to socialise all the time! While in school this can single an individual out for bullying (which is wrong, and needs to be nipped in the bud), in later life, that creativity and introspection can be an invaluable skill. (I was reading recently that Mark Rylance is a real introvert and didn't learn to speak until he was 6, so there you go).

I do wonder how much of the guilt that you feel has to do with the unexpected and sudden realisation of your sexuality. Of course, it goes without saying that there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of here - and I think younger generations are increasingly open about it (which is fabulous news). But if you were raised in the era when gay people were routinely singled out for bullying and violence, and you subsequently found yourself in a gay relationship, it wouldn't be surprising if you felt the echoes of that behaviour as an adult - or if you had worries for your child. Society has moved on, though, thank goodness!

Thanks again everyone!

Had some brilliant, uplifting advice and I really appreciate it.

I'm trying hard to really push myself, as I could feel myself slipping back into old, avoidance habits.

I look around sometimes and I see outwardly really confident people and I'm so jealous. Bizarrely, a lot of people have described me as confident, but then maybe that just goes to show you never know what's on below the surface.