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Original poster

why did i do this?

48 replies

autumn89 · 09/03/2015 01:05

I have been with my bf many years, recently he's made me feel disrespected I feel like I'm insignificant he comes and has sex then I don't see him for two weeks comes and has sex again I feel it's all about sex, I didn't even see him Valentine's Day. He keeps referring to me as his gf but how can he when he doesn't see me consistently I'm a 20 min bus ride away (his vehicle is of the road at the moment) but he refuses to get on a bus. Anyway I haven't seen him since the last week of January, we text u ok etc but that's all really. I don't feel it's a relationship, he's just having sex with me. He didn't even message me on Valentine's Day, I feel it's all about sex and nothing else. He doesn't do oral on me but expects it from me. I don't remember the last time he did anything to me that didn't involve his dick.

So last night I was at a friends house and I never drink, I was having a massage on my legs suffer from tight inflamed calves he is a male his mother owns a salon hence he knows what he's doing with those hands, next thing I know he's massaging my intimate area, and I spread my legs wider, he fingered me and then **ed me it was amazing. He has magic hands I see myself as single as someone who visits you 8? times a year is not a bf and I have said to BF (he's not my BF I just use this term so you know who I'm chatting about) I feel we just have sex but he says he's monogamous, I don't believe that, I found him texting other women a two years ago and trust dissipated I know bf shagged girl he text behind my back, he says it was on a break. I don't know that 100% I think this is why I did what I did he always talks about his ex how much he dislikes her if you hate someone you wouldn't talk about her every damn time I see you, I think he is still in love with her.

Worth mentioning I really liked last night

Have I cheated and what do I do. I've never cheated always been faithful and never had a one night stand either, I never behave in this fashion, usually it's hard to get my knickers off, I'm very reserved. How did this happen

Worth noting he mentions how I've gained a little weight (was a 8 now a 10 that's not fat I'm 6"8.5) that's slim. He doesn't listen to me unless it's about something that interests him or its about money he is all touchy feely lovey Dovey then shags me and sits on YouTube after and almost drowns me out. Is it a wonder I shagged someone else. I don't regret it either, I love him but I'm not in love with him he's been treating me Like this for 8 months

OP posts:
Original poster
autumn89 · 09/03/2015 01:07

I did use a condom. I was responsible feel that is an important thing to mention

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 09/03/2015 01:10

Hi OP, glad you posted. Hope some of the lovely people here can help you work out what to do now.

I messaged the OP and suggested she post here since the other place she posted was unlikely to be as helpful as Mumsnet - for one thing they're likely to focus on her 'cheating' at the other place and the seemingly abusive situation with her 'bf' is likely to go right over most of their heads.

Flowers Smile

Original poster
autumn89 · 09/03/2015 01:14

Thank you :)

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 09/03/2015 01:34

Why don't you just bite the bullet and end it with your 'bf'.rather than waiting for him to decide. Just tell him you are unhappy with the way the relationship has become and wish him well.

Then you know exactly where you stand and can do whatever you want. Without worrying.

SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 01:38

Well I don't blame you. Your situation is a fantasy of mine, hot massage guy, magic hands and toe curling sex. Wow! I know why you did it.

As for the bf, hate to tell you but you're not his gf. You're his fleshlight. Dump him and ask the hot guy for another massage.

Then get back to me and tell me all about it. Grin

Original poster
autumn89 · 09/03/2015 02:14

Ah yeah a fantasy of mine once to and it was great. Ha i dont think i could have another massage i feel bad, but if he (bf) loved me hed walk to me hed get on a bus hed have found a way to see me on valentines day. BF is like freddie prinze jr that handsome and fit the massage man is completely different. I am 100% aware im just a booty call but i love him as strange as that may seem (if you love him you wouldnt be able sleep with someone else)

I have never been confident enough to do what i did and it just happened. Im not a bad person

OP posts:
Original poster
autumn89 · 09/03/2015 02:17

But I don't know if i can walk away

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 09/03/2015 02:59

Think about the relationship you have had in the last month or two with your bf.

Then, based on that time alone... Right a list of all the things he has done that shows that he loves you

Don't base it on the beginning, when he was on his best behaviour. Or base it on what you want him to be and really hope he can be again. But what he has shown you in his behaviour in the last couple of months.

His behaviour an actions will tell you. Not his words

Original poster
autumn89 · 09/03/2015 03:50

*aussiebean hes done nothing except 7 texts a week. That's why last night happened

OP posts:
SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 03:55

I'm always amazed at the sheer number of women who won't leave a man who treats them so indifferently. I'm all for fighting for a good relationship that's hit the rocks but but a cheater who treats you as a vagina? Why? Why even bother texting him?

His behaviour is not bf material. He can go fuck himself, he hasn't worked hard enough for you to even bother answering the door let alone spread your legs for him.

Aussiebean · 09/03/2015 04:03

There you go. He his actions have shown you his opinion of you.

Walk away.

Annabannbobanna · 09/03/2015 04:05

What? What does your OP even say?

NaughtyRed82 · 09/03/2015 04:09

I'd get rid of the so called BF too, he's just coming round to yours every couple of weeks when he needs a shag really, sorry to be blunt but think you've worked it out for yourself anyway, you deserve a whole lot better and someone who makes the time to come and see you. It's just excuses that don't want to get the bus. Also you want a man who won't just drown you out with YouTube after he's had his way! Oh and who realises that a woman wants/likes and needs foreplay too, not just expect to do nothing and pop his cock in!! Lol
Text him and tell him he's a rubbish so called boyfriend and you ain't putting up with him no more and it's goodbye from you and move on!!

Original poster
autumn89 · 09/03/2015 04:44

NaughtyRed82
yes i had worked that out for myself probably valentines day i realised when he gave me the same lame excuse as he did christmas day, making me think hes obviously got a better offer. Thats genuinely how he made me feel in myself.
he has a push bike he can ride he can use his legs and walk get a taxi all those are viable and in reasonable distance, it wasnt that he couldnt get here he didnt want to get here.
Foreplay is important a man just needs blood flow and bam hes ready a woman needs to be moist or it can hurt and even burn and he doesnt care he just wants to either get it in or moan about it and sometimes grabs vaseline im not being funny but you want it work for it.....

i think i am going to call him tomorrow and tell him how i feel, hopefully he can see hes been a knobhead. i wont hold my breath.

The horrible thing is i dont feel guilty, i dont feel regret (i feel i let myself down because i lost my morals for a night) i just dont feel remorseful at all and that shocks me because
A) i never thought id be able to cheat B) Last night i came home and thought your gonna regret that in the morning, but i woke up feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted of my shoulders and rejuvenated, i am ashamed of myself because i wasnt exactly hard to get (i had dated this man for a year prior) so i suppose it doesnt really matter. i dont feel bad all i keep thinking is he deserved it, that too disturbs me i feel like i found my inner bitch eventually only took 25 years

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 09/03/2015 05:36

It sounded to me as if the 'boyfriend' is actually a fuckbuddy (not FWB, as he actually doesn't sound much of a friend). Or he's married/seriously attached and you are the OW. Either way, it doesn't sound as if it's working for you.

Massage guy may however not be the answer either. Though perhaps never to a FWB, as you did describe him as a friend.

What sort of relationship do you actually want?

MissMuesli · 09/03/2015 10:06

I also wondered if your boyfriend might be married. Only able to see you every 2 weeks and misses important occasions (valentines/ xmas day). I don't think you should tall to him about your "relationship". You are getting none of your needs met, move on.

I wouldnt suggest you give it a go with massage man, I'd have a little time by yourself.

Also, your bf has sex with you but will not do foreplay. Sometimes it hurts you and so rather than back off or go slower he just gets the vasoline? He sounds sexual inconsiderate/ borderline abusive. Please leave him OP, he doesn't sound worth your time, attention or love. Flowers

Rednotpinkorgreen · 09/03/2015 12:16

Are you really 6'8.5? That's very tall.

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 09/03/2015 13:02

I think you deserved to be loved. I think sometimes there is a time a woman has to think about her situation 'now' and not think well he was there for me all those yrs ago. I think we can almost manipulate ourselves to staying in a relationship because it will keep the other person happy but in the end you are not. Time to think of you now.

Original poster
autumn89 · 09/03/2015 13:54

AuntieStella
He is not married he lives at home with his mother however i wasnt born on another planet and i have for a LONG TIME felt like he was sleeping with someone else namely his ex.
A man would not willing go two three four weeks without sex when he knows he can have it and that makes me suspicious.
His mum doesnt like me because my step brother upset her and she has tarnished me with the same brush and this is has strained our relationship. He isnt a bf he just uses me and drops me but i do love him.
i want someone who will hug me when i am crying someone i can talk to someone who respects me as a woman and someone who is committed.

Massage guy is a great friend he listens he supports me and he believes in me probably more than i believe in myself hes helped me so much and never for sex as a friend....
#5"8.5 in height im not a giant whoops..

MissMuseli

I dated massage man (kevin) before but we get on better as friends, hes a lovely man he makes me laugh when no one else can, but i dont see us being together because he doesnt want relationships due to being hurt in the past and i understand that... It is just sex that is all i want from him i dont want to lose him as a friend. He says he can't do oral because women have periods and he doesnt like the thought of that, i dont particularly like the fact that he urinates fromhis penis and i have to suck it to be franks but i still do, i dont enjoy giving BJ but i do it because he likes it. There is however no excuse for why he cant use his hands for five minutes but he doesnt. At least kevin is more considerate.... Thank you for your advice i think ive made my decision the fact i can have sex with someone else is because i know its over i dont think we ever began really

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME

I thought i deserved to be happy but i cheated and that's one of the worst thing someone can do to a person. i dont feel guilty upset regret nothing, and i think that tells me that i dont really need BF i need to be me.
i never thought myself capable of doing what i did and people say it just happened, they cop out, but in my case it did just happen. Kevin has given me many massages (ive given him facials etc) and never jumped into my pants i think i realised at that point that BF wasnt worth it and i had a great time, i expected to feel bad about what happened but i dont...

OP posts:
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 09/03/2015 14:01

I think you have already made your decision about your boyfriend if you feel that. It does sound like you need to move on.

SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 14:06

Bf won't go down on you? Well if that's not a dumpable offense I don't know what is.

Original poster
autumn89 · 09/03/2015 14:45

sensationalgirl

I know right 8 years without him going down there and im sorry but i really like that. Hes not very experimental either its conventional sex and blowjobs thats as far as it goes.... He knows what hes doing with his anatomy and its good but i want him to play a little bit and he doesnt. He also makes me feel self concious i have a bmi of 23 which is in range of normal but i feel selfconcious with him because he says im unfit (i have asthma and i can get short of breath have a wheeze and chest tightness in winter when its cold. Im not unfit i can dance for hours ride bikes to works (5 miles) and back) hes an idioy

OP posts:
SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 14:53

Prick. How dare he judge your body.

I'm obese with boobs that have been through two pregnancies and I'll ride my husband on top in the middle of the day and know the only thing on his mind is how much fun he's having.

I hope the next time texts you to come over you laugh at him and ask what for.

Original poster
autumn89 · 09/03/2015 15:08

My weight is correct for my height. But because in not siper tiny like before he says in unfit how can he reasonably say that. He never compliments me never notices when i make an effort. Valentines day he said he was coming i cooked a huge meals prepped everything had wine and he loves cocktails and i made some, he messaged me saying. He couldnt come things have been strained since then. Im not obese but i dont think anyone should judge someone because of their weight, if everyone was perect theyd be no differentiation it would be a boring world.
He can turn up after six weeks unshaven looking awful, he used to make an effort. I cant enjoy sex because i feel he is judging me because im quite pale aswell and he's tanned, he says veins make him queeZy i havetwo huge veins on my chest and stomach so thats an issue he like me to spray tan but i work 50 hours a week i havent got time to sit around in sweats for 5 hours waiting for my spray tan to dry (im a qualified spray tanner so is my mum)

Hes so judgemental

OP posts:
deste · 09/03/2015 16:41

He is not your boyfriend and I don't think he has ever been. He is using you for sex but you know that. A boyfriend takes you out, he buys you flowers, he gives you compliments, he doesn't have you self doubting yourself. He doesn't respect you and he will never change, you are a habit like going to the kebab shop at the end of a night out. See now you are saying he doesn't make an effort before he comes. Who does he think he is. If you blocked his number would he bother to get in touch?

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