why did i do this?

[autumn89]

I have been with my bf many years, recently he's made me feel disrespected I feel like I'm insignificant he comes and has sex then I don't see him for two weeks comes and has sex again I feel it's all about sex, I didn't even see him Valentine's Day. He keeps referring to me as his gf but how can he when he doesn't see me consistently I'm a 20 min bus ride away (his vehicle is of the road at the moment) but he refuses to get on a bus. Anyway I haven't seen him since the last week of January, we text u ok etc but that's all really. I don't feel it's a relationship, he's just having sex with me. He didn't even message me on Valentine's Day, I feel it's all about sex and nothing else. He doesn't do oral on me but expects it from me. I don't remember the last time he did anything to me that didn't involve his dick.

So last night I was at a friends house and I never drink, I was having a massage on my legs suffer from tight inflamed calves he is a male his mother owns a salon hence he knows what he's doing with those hands, next thing I know he's massaging my intimate area, and I spread my legs wider, he fingered me and then **ed me it was amazing. He has magic hands I see myself as single as someone who visits you 8? times a year is not a bf and I have said to BF (he's not my BF I just use this term so you know who I'm chatting about) I feel we just have sex but he says he's monogamous, I don't believe that, I found him texting other women a two years ago and trust dissipated I know bf shagged girl he text behind my back, he says it was on a break. I don't know that 100% I think this is why I did what I did he always talks about his ex how much he dislikes her if you hate someone you wouldn't talk about her every damn time I see you, I think he is still in love with her.

Worth mentioning I really liked last night

Have I cheated and what do I do. I've never cheated always been faithful and never had a one night stand either, I never behave in this fashion, usually it's hard to get my knickers off, I'm very reserved. How did this happen

Worth noting he mentions how I've gained a little weight (was a 8 now a 10 that's not fat I'm 6"8.5) that's slim. He doesn't listen to me unless it's about something that interests him or its about money he is all touchy feely lovey Dovey then shags me and sits on YouTube after and almost drowns me out. Is it a wonder I shagged someone else. I don't regret it either, I love him but I'm not in love with him he's been treating me Like this for 8 months

deste
Yeah im a kebab i have been for a while he doesnt buy me flowers wont take me out for dinner because i am embarrassing because i eat slowly and he has to sit and wait for me to finish looking stupid! He doesnt wear aftershave anymore he doesnt make an effort he doesnt appreciate me. We only watch what he wants to watch or he gets stroppy, he wont watch a video of mine on youtube but i have to watch the ones he's interested in. I feel its all about him never about us.
I felt withdrawn at christmas when he couldn't even write merry Christmas then valentines day on top of that led to where i am now.
So if he never was my bf I technically never cheated?!

Of course you never cheated, it was never a relationship in the first place. Put him down to experience, learn from it and move on. Never let yourself be used like that again. Build your self respect up, learn to love yourself and have a great life.

Thank you lessons will be learnt

I need to take time for myself

Thank you

Thanks everyone gor your advice :)

OP you sound very sweet.

He wasn't treating you how he should have been. It doesn't sound like a relationship at all, relationships have some give and take and effort on both sides.

You'll learn from this experience and know to value yourself more in future. Okay,it's not ideal to have an overlap, but in future you'll have more confidence to end things when you know things aren't right, and won't need a night with someone else to give you that final push.

Onwards and upwards!

Yeah i feel i gave and he took, last time i saw him i hadnt seen him for 22 days the first thing he did was come in go to the fridge make a drink and look for food, and said im hungry. .

Yeah i had been clinging on to him because i didnt think i could do better. I know different now, i need to spend sometime finding myself again, learning to stop being so nice to everyone and stand my ground. I hope i learn from this, i need a night with kevin to see my worth i wont lose sight of that again from now on its number 1 first not last.
I dont know whether to thank you for the sweet or not, i get told im sweet all the time even when ive done this im still sweet and i wear my heart on my sleeve and have a heart of gold, never thought id hear that on this post, but i appreciate that. Thank you I was convinced i would be called every name under the sun.

Thank you :)

Hi OP,

I despise cheaters. Despise every bone in their fucking lying bodies and think there is never any excuse whatsoever for cheating.

I don't think you are a cheater - because I agree with everyone else. You were not in a relationship with this man. He uses you for (rubbish) sex now and then, that's all. You have nothing to feel guilty or bad about. You do indeed sound like a very kind, sweet person. You were conned by this man - he sounds very clever and manipulative and I know how men like this can manage to get round you. I'm sorry you had to meet someone like this.

I'm glad your eyes have been opened and you are starting to shake him off. You will have moments when you wonder if you are doing the right thing, that's because he's practically brainwashed you for so long, just remember he doesn't genuinely care about you, he just uses you because you are convenient and he has abused the trust and affection you gave him.

I feel that good things and a great life are just around the corner for you. In a year's time you'll look back and be so relieved you are free of this twat, and you'll hardly recognise yourself. He's made you lose all your confidence - you are starting to rebuild that already. You can see the things he says, and the way he makes you feel you deserve to be treated, simply aren't right.

By the way, I'm so pale I glow in the dark, and every bloke I've ever been with has loooved my skin. If you ever start to forget how nasty this man is, remember what he says about your skin colour. Your colour, ffs. All colours are beautiful. Imagine if you were black and he started saying it was an ugly colour and you should start using a skin bleach to lighten it (there are such bleaches). That's how horrible he is being to you.

loveareadingthanksI don't particularly like cheaters, but i also felt even before i did what i did that he was using me and didn't actually give a stuff about me as a person. I was something to ease frustration for him.
Therefore i didnt feel like what was happening at the time was bad, i started to think have a cheated because he calls me his gf (i dont feel like i even mean anything to him? And this made me feel like a horrible person. Not guilty not regretful but dissapointmented with myself, now ive had time to think about what happened i am glad it happened. It made me realise i wasnt happy and i need to let go, which ive known for sometime, i guess i was indenial. He does make me feel guilty if i dont message him if i dont chat ti him if i dont watch his shitty youtube videos he says oh just be an idiot all your life then. You need to do this, that and all the rest of it, makes me feel ugly.

Yeah tellinggm me im pale hurt i can't help my skin tone, but spray tans he says would make me sligh comments.
I dont remember the last time he complemented me.
Yeah he made me feel fat and self concoous hed make kibes anout me being infit (i suffer from asthma and took a long time to get an inhaler that works for me) i constantly got chest infections which led to athma attacks. Once paramedics came and instead of letting them help me he was shouting i told her that shes unfit and she wont listen to me. The paramedics told him my heart rate is 120-130 and he needs to calm down because i have a racing heart and i am not treated quickly it could be very serious i was nebulised and admit for 3 days.
I wouldn't normally act the way i did I would never plan to hurt or upset someone I love (because i do love him but he treats me like shit on his shoe) but i do think he deserved it.
He will never have another gf like me someone who loves him goes out of her way for him buys him a mac book for christmas and doesnt get anything in return all i wanted was a card. I think i listened to my head and not my heart.
thank you, i am happy people dont think i am a bad person i am not proud of my actions but i wouldbt take it back because it opened my eyes.
Everyone here has been really supportive i appreciate that.

Hi, this might sound odd - you say you love him, but it doesn't sound like you do (Christ, who can blame you?) It sounds more like needing not to be alone even if only in name. Delete his number, tell him to f*k off & make some extra time for friends & family, you're worth more than this. Kevin certainly sounds like a bigger catch & a better friend!! You haven't cheated either BTW, so go have some real fun!

I think i loved him but he treated me so bad that i did what i did i didnt want to be on my own i guess. Kevin is nice.

Thank you i for will have fun and live a little

That's fair. We've all been ground down by that one bf that we loved, yet 10 years later we can't for the life of us think why xx

Theres always light at the end of the tunnel:) thanks so much

He sounds like a proper abusive cock.

You're well shot of him.

I left him thank you to everyone wjo gave me the advice i really needed.

Glad to see you smiling!
You definitely deserve better treatment than he was giving you; all the best for a brighter future.

Thank you it was great to get advice from others who are looking at it from the outside unemotionally attached to neither me nor him. I cant believe how much of my life i gave to this loser ;) thank you

I would originally say because he claims to be monogamous and assumes you are too then technically you have cheated. However with the way he's been treating you - not just the sex but lack of contact I wouldn't feel bad (and I feel guilty very easily!)
However that's before I read the rest of your posts. He's treated you shockingly. (did I misunderstand or have you been with him EIGHT YEARS?! If I've not read wrong please leave him, you deserve much more than to waste more time on him). I would never normally say this but tbh if you don't want to consider this cheating, don't. He doesn't deserve your guilt, doesn't deserve your time or loyalty. But please, take advantage of not feeling bad and do something good with it. Break up with this man (not that you are in a real relationship anymore, as you've acknowledged, but make it clear to him so he can cant claim you're 'cheating', and you no longer have to wait for his texts). If I were to consider you in the wrong that would be because I was coming from my position - and I have a dp who would never put me down, expect me to come running after no contact, consider me embarrassing etc. That's how it should be and it seems like your guilt is coming from the same point of view, expecting that no decent person would act like this and reacting as if you're in that situation. (if that makes sense ) He's not decent, so don't let it eat you up. hope you find some strength in realising how badly you've been treated.

Raspberrywhitechocolate i have left him.... I saw sense thank yoj

Sorry I'm doing badly at opening threads and coming back to them hours later today without refreshing ... Good, hope you're happy

Feeling happier than i have in a long time i was constantly stressed before :)

Dont worry i do that as well

Great news. You now have a space in your life for someone who will treat you with respect and love.

I know:)