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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH hasn't spoken to me all day

40 replies

Nonie241419 · 08/03/2015 23:47

And instead of getting anxious and wanting to make up, I'm just pissed off. Yesterday morning, he did something petty and mean to DC1 (aged 10). I was annoyed. I already had plans to take DC1 out for some quality time in the morning, so set about getting ready. Before we left, DC1 had a hissy fit about not letting DC2 look at something while we were out (an Argos catalogue!). I was sorting it out, ignoring DC1's histrionics, when DH yelled from the other room that DC1 couldn't go out with me because of his tantrum. I stuck my head into the room he was in and said that the arrangement was between me and DC1 and that I had everything under control. DH huffed something like, 'Fine, do what you want!', and basically hasn't spoken to me since.
He's spent most of the weekend in his 'mancave' in the garage, watching football and films, leaving all the child wrangling and housework to me. He did come out for dinner both nights (making a passive aggressive comment about what I'd made last night), but has taken it into his mancave rather than eating with us. The DC have basically not seen him at all today, despite him not going out all day.
I get that he felt undermined by me, but I felt he was over-reacting and had already let one OTT dealing with DC1 go. Am I justified in thinking he's behaving like a total wanker (I never swear - this is how annoyed I am), or am I not being fair? As far as the not speaking goes, I did speak to him a couple of times yesterday and got monosyllabic replies. I haven't bothered today, waiting for him to say something, but he's made sure we haven't been in the same room at any point. He hasn't actually said anything about why he's ignoring me, but I think I may be being just as childish by not asking.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 08/03/2015 23:50

You're not being childish at ALL for not asking why he's sulking. What a tit he's being. I notice his wounded pride didn't dent his appetite.

My ExH used to do stuff like this. Note my use of the term "ex".

WhatsGoingOnEh · 08/03/2015 23:52

Is he always this petty? Does he sulk often? Do you find yourself walking on eggshells in case you thoughtlessly say something that'll result in a punishment later on?

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 23:52

ugh

how many children did you say you have ?

velouria · 08/03/2015 23:53

Oof sulking and silent treatment, never eer want to go back to that. It all just sounds very hard work.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 08/03/2015 23:56

He's probably had a blissful weekend, holed up in his cave doing whatever he wanted, while you struggled on doing everything else. He thinks he's had the best of both worlds - he's had calm and space, and YOU have been suitably punished by not having him around to help.

And where the hell does he think he gets off, barking orders from a separate room? And then withdrawing all support when you choose to override his distant authority, rather than fawn with gratitude that he actually bothered to raise his voice (from the other room) to interject an order? Twat.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 08/03/2015 23:58

Definitely stop cooking. Just don't cook for him. If he wanders out looking hungry, say, "Meals are served in the kitchen. If you prefer to stay in your cave, I prefer not to cater for you."

SycamoreMum · 09/03/2015 00:00

He's annoyed me and I have nothing to do with him. Tomorrow make only enough dinner for you and the kiddies. Let him starve.

WaitWhatOh · 09/03/2015 00:03

Oh join the club - today Dh is not speaking to me and like you this time I'm more annoyed than the usual nervous waiting for the olive branch. He can fuck right off. Perhaps your Dh has room for him in his man cave? ;)

Northernparent68 · 09/03/2015 00:09

It'd be interesting to get his side.

yes ignoring some one is childish, but you telling him he can't discipline the children is nt helpful, and I wonder what your tone was like ? How would you have responded if the situation had been reversed ? Would you be sweetness and light if he undermined you ?

Original poster

Nonie241419 · 09/03/2015 00:10

We have three DC. He is moody, and not a communicator (although neither am I. I can't 'do' shouting/being shouted at, and he doesn't take criticism well, so we struggle to resolve problems. Mainly because we never actually say what they are). He is very black and white about discipline with the DC, which is fine with DCs 2&3 as they're both fairly easy to manage children. DC1 is a whole other ball game. He is hard, hard work - possibly high functioning autism/Asbergers. DH persists in trying to impose rigid obedience, instead of realising (like me, DC1's primary care giver) that the easiest way to handle the defiance and tantrums is to ignore and not engage until they're over, then deal with consequences. I think DH is far too harsh, rigid and sometimes plain mean. DH thinks I'm a pushover, and will facillitate DC1 becoming a sociopath/master criminal/all round embarrassment to the family. Not he ever says that, he just skirts round the edges and I have to guess (I have told him I think his approach is too harsh, and ultimately ineffective).

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/03/2015 00:11

Even if there was a "tone", he's ignored her and the DC for THE WHOLE WEEKEND. Not a 10-minute huff, or even an hour-long mood. This is a 48-hour sulkathon.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/03/2015 00:14

Could you say, "I realise you have some differing opinions on how we parent DC1. But I fail to see how sulking in your room for a whole weekend is going to rectify them. Come out and be a parent with me, or sod off and be a weekend-only father on your own. This is unreasonable and I'm not putting up with another minute of it." ?

Original poster

Nonie241419 · 09/03/2015 00:18

Northernparent - my tone was calm and quiet - I didn't want the children to hear. I wouldn't like being contradicted, but I also wouldn't interfere/take away something organised between DH and one of the DC's without discussing it with DH first. And if DH still wanted to do the activity, I would respect that, even if I disagreed with it.
I try hard not to undermine, but it's hard when he deals out very harsh punishments for very minor things. Yesterday morning, DC1 was fussing with a stuck zip instead of getting straight out of the house to go to an activity. DH warned him to move a couple of times (DC1 responded in a bloody aggravating tone about his zip), but then DH just left him. DC1 ran out of the house after him and got the car door open and DH got out and pushed DC1 away from the car and drove off without him. DC1 was in floods of tears. All DH needed to do was fix the bloody zip, or physically propel DC1 to the car and they could all have got there in time. Instead, he lost his rag and left him out of spite. I couldn't make myself support him the second time, but I don't deny that it undermined him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nonie241419 · 09/03/2015 00:20

I'm really sorry - I have to go to bed. DC3 has a bad cough and has had me in her bed more than my own for several nights, so I'm knackered. Thank you for the support, I'll be back at some point tomorrow.

OP posts:

cleanmyhouse · 09/03/2015 00:33

He sounds cruel.

AlfAlf · 09/03/2015 00:39

What you just described him doing to dc1 with the car is really bloody horrible. I wonder if he knows it (deep down) and is projecting his guilt onto you hence his disproportionate reaction to you 'disobeying' him? Not that that excuses any of it whatsoever. I am desperately trying not to swear and call him allsorts
I totally get that you don't like confrontation, but on this occasion you need to woman up and tell him he got it wrong. Massively wrong. It's not acceptable to treat a child like that, and it's not acceptable to spend the entire weekend sulking.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 09/03/2015 01:01

Is DH on the spectrum? Your DC1 has meltdowns, and sounds like your DH has meltdowns, too, judging by car incident. And shutdowns, if spending the weekend in a garage is anything to go by.

If thats a possibility, then telling him he's being an arse will have as much affect on his behaviour as him telling DC1 off has in terms of changing DC1's behaviour. IE, zilch.

At the end if the day, however, supporting your kids' best interests is paramount, and I don't think tolerating this kind of stuff is acceptable regardless of underlying causes.

AvaCrowder · 09/03/2015 01:13

Your dh sounds like a nob. When he called from the other room that dc1 was not going out, I'd have called back, 'shut up, you silly old man.'
And there would be no dinners for people who chose to live in the garage.

TendonQueen · 09/03/2015 01:32

That's shitty treatment of you and of DC1. Just keep ignoring him. He will be expecting you to give in. And I like What's line about meals. So rude to come out for a plate of food and then go back to sulking.

SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 01:48

I'd cook all the meals he hates, I'm passive aggressive like that.

Would education about kids on the spectrum help your dh understand his ds1 better? Would it help him understand his own behaviour?

SolasEile · 09/03/2015 02:06

Why did you let him have dinner and eat it on his own? If he wants to eat the family meals you cook then he should have to act like an adult and sit down with you to eat it. You should have only made enough for yourself and the DC. Let him order pizza if he insists on acting like a teenager.

What do your DC think of his sulking? Could your DC1's difficult behaviour simply be down to the fact that he sees your DH getting away with sulks and tantrums so is just mimicking that to get his way?

Weebirdie · 09/03/2015 05:01

I also wonder if your husband is on the spectrum?

LindyHemming · 09/03/2015 05:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DorothyBastard · 09/03/2015 07:21

God he sounds really horrible. In fact, Clean is right, he sounds cruel. Can you imagine ignoring your own kids for an hour, let alone 2 days, just because you felt annoyed at something your spouse had said/done, OP? Didn't think so.

zipzap · 09/03/2015 07:40

My thoughts were the same as Euphemie - you're saying that you were worried about undermining your dh but that actually that is what he did to you and followed it up with a sulk of huge proportions out of all proportion to what had happened (not that any sulk would have been justified in the circumstances).

And his treatment of ds1 re the zip was awful. He seems to have forgotten that your ds is still a child and needs help rather than punishments when he's having a problem

Just out of interest - what were his parents like when he was a child? Is he reverting to what he knows through experience by any chance? Sounds like he might have had parents that were strict and blew up at him along with saying that the only reason he turned out ok was down to them being strict and keeping him on a short leash rather than because he was basically a normal nice but occasionally naughty child who would have had enough decency in him to grow up into a nice normal decent grown up?

Sounds like you're going to have to have some sort of talk with him so make sure you work out what you want to say and get over to him in advance...

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