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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I've had enough

41 replies

CarpetDiem · 08/03/2015 22:16

This afternoon DS asked to watch a programme on telly, yes sure I replied. At which point DH came downstairs from an afternoon nap & declared he wanted to watch the last ten mins of a match & asked DS to put it on. DS was messing about a bit with remote & DH said 'what are you doing- I thought I told you to do something' I said don't speak to him like that. All hell broke loose. He was shouting at me 'are you fucking mental?' 'I said nothing wrong' 'how dare you create an atmosphere between me & my son' 'you're toxic, you evil bitch causing this argument. Apologise now' 'you need psychotherapy' 'i'm not your step dad that treated you like shit' etc and this continued for about 45 minutes, in front of DS1 & DS 2 who were in tears by this point. He barged past me to get a washing up sponge as he had spilt some coffee in his excitement , & proceeded to through the sponge in my face when he had finished. I'm so fed up, I feel so tired.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2015 22:37

It's a horrible experience for everyone involved to live with a bully. If what you're describing happens quite a lot and if you've had enough then there are other options.

Original poster

CarpetDiem · 08/03/2015 22:43

I think maybe marriage counselling would help. I don't know. I don't want my DC to witness that again.. Similar out bursts about monthly, I don't know.

OP posts:

FiftyShadesOfGreen4205 · 08/03/2015 22:47

This isn't love. This isn't what relationships are supposed to be like. Ok, many people snap for stupid reasons OCCASIONALLY but this is not the same. This is bullying and domestic abuse. He doesn't respect you or the children. You do not have to put up with him. Please trust me when I say when you can change something, you should. This is all to do with HIS inadequacy and is not your fault.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2015 22:50

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is controlling, abusive or bullying behaviour present. The man you are describing blames you for everything, takes no responsibility for his actions and gets a sick pleasure out of reducing little kids to tears. He's not going to agree to anything if it means owning up that he might be in the wrong.

You're clutching at straws I'm afraid. If you get counselling do it for yourself as an individual. And then see a lawyer

ImperialBlether · 08/03/2015 22:54

He's not the children's father, is he? If not, the decision is so much easier.

freelanceconundrum · 09/03/2015 05:17

Unacceptable behaviour by him. He needs to understand that he has the problem, not you and it is deal breaking behaviour at that.

SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 05:29

Both of you overstepped a line. And don't just blame him for arguing in front of your kids for 45 minutes, you were there too. What, you live in a one room house and had to stay in that room as well as the kids?

I'm curious to know what you said. I bet this is a marriage of two button pushes. Men should never speak to their wives like that but I doubt you're as sweet as you make out to be.

I've seen this in my own family, he said this, he did that all the while conveniently forgetting their own bitchy behaviour.

dollius · 09/03/2015 06:24

How on earth did she overstep the line???

You are talking utter rubbish, sensational. He screamed and shouted and then threw something at her head. What planet are you on?

thenextday · 09/03/2015 06:39

His behaviour was uncalled for.
But why didn't you support him at the start when he told D's off for messing about?
You seemed to jump in a bit.

dollius · 09/03/2015 06:45

God, the victim blamers are out in force this morning aren't they? HE undermined HER after she told DC he could watch something. Mr Master of the Universe struts in and demands to watch something else. So what if DC was fiddling about with the remote?

SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 06:46

Her dh said 'what are you doing- I thought I told you to do something' which is hardly the worst thing a man can say to his son, I've said it to my kids when I've had to repeat myself.

She, in front of her kids said don't speak to him like that. Now you may be fine with your spouse talking to you like that in front of your kids while your trying to get them to do something but I wouldn't be. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all, awful. But lets not make her out to be an angel, she is deliberately undermining him in front of her kids. Perhaps he deserves it but I get the definite impression we only heard half of the story.

You can paint men to be the bad guys in every marriage as much as you like but there are a lot of crazy bitches out there too. My "I'm trying to demonize my husband" radar is going off on this thread and it doesn't usually.

SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 06:53

HE undermined HER after she told DC he could watch something.

Really? WTF? How the hell does your house run? My kids are really privileged and get a lot but if there is a tv show I want to watch then you can bet I'm going to watch it, no matter what was preplanned five minutes before. They can go do something else, because the person who has spent all day cleaning, cooking and tending to their needs was me.

Children do not get everything adults get and I back my DH up on everything. He's not an asshole however, this DH is, I still think he can watch what he wants on tv for 10 minutes. Christ, is that really such a big ask?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/03/2015 06:56

Marriage counselling will not help. It just won't.

And sensational, I think you are projecting. The op did not bring this abuse on herself, and the man's behaviour was fucking disgusting.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/03/2015 06:57

My "I'm trying to demonize my husband" radar is going off on this thread and it doesn't usually

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/03/2015 06:58

Verbally abusing his partner for 45 minutes in front of their children who are in tears, calling her fucking mental and a bitch, yeah that's a totally proportionate reaction to what she did! Shes totally demonising her husband here!

SensationalGirl · 09/03/2015 07:05

I stand by my original comment. Why did you not leave the room with the children? He's a dick for sure, and the marriage will absolutely end in divorce at some stage just based on his behaviour.

I'll put money on the OP being a button pusher though.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/03/2015 07:11

Why the fuck should she? Woman and two kids are in a room watching tv. Man comes in, demands channel change and starts verbally abusing woman until kids are in tears and it's her fault for not taking them out of the room?

Victim blaming utter fucking bullshit. You know, there is no need to be a button pusher with verbally abusive bullies. They can find a reason to behave like a cunt all by themselves.

I do wonder why some people get so invested in blaming victims and exonerating abusers.

Original poster

CarpetDiem · 09/03/2015 07:12

Thanks for all your feedback. I'm not an angel & dont want to come across as a victim, i don't live in a one room house & I should've walked away from the situation quicker but I was trying to keep some kind of perspective & thought things would be worse if I walked out. I was wrong. I am not trying to demonise my DH, what I have written is factual, when he was shouting I kept a level head & didn't shout back, not reacting seemed to make things worse. He is the DCs biological dad, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself when I posted last night, I've woken up today feeling positive about a future without living with him. He slept in the spare room incidently.

OP posts:

Christinayang1 · 09/03/2015 07:19

It all seems to have started out of nothing, does this happen a lot?

I think dcs are his

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2015 07:23

There's no excuse for the kind of bullying & intimidation you describe OP and I'm appalled that anyone would suggest you deserved that kind of treatment. I'm glad you're thinking about an independent future and suggest that, while you're feeling positive, you should make some moves in that direction. Have you ever confided in a friend or family member about his behaviour? Would you take legal advice and find out your rights in the event of a divorce?

Strike while the iron's hot.

IsabellaofFrance · 09/03/2015 07:24

SensationalGirl I am glad I dont live in your house. In our house everyone gets treated with respect. If the OP's DH wanted to watch the TV that badly, maybe he should have skipped the afternoon nap. The child was watching something and should forgo it so the DH can watch 10 minutes of a match he has missed 88% of?

youarekiddingme · 09/03/2015 07:31

Your dh reaction and throwing sponge at you is clearly abuse. Is this a frequent occurrence? It's a massive over reaction to the situation. Why couldn't he just say he was dealing with it and ask you to let him do so? The "don't get between me and my son" sounds like a controlling statement.

However it sounds like the whole family dynamics are skewed - and there's far more to this than the incident you've posted. It's not a healthy environment for your boys to be growing up around.

Just make sure if you do go it alone you don't allow your boys to rule you by taking their time to follow simple requests.

Superworm · 09/03/2015 07:33

Pleased you're feeling more positive today. Dont put up with this sort of behaviour. 'Button pushing' is just an excuse people use to justify behaviour. He clearly doesn't care he has frightened you and the children.

My mother was a screamer. For years I believed I pushed her buttons and was in some way responsible. When I moved out, she moved onto screaming at someone else. Twenty years later, she's still screaming and shouting.

Implying you're unstable while he loses it, just shows you who he is.

dollius · 09/03/2015 07:42

God sensational you are unbelievable. She should leave the room with the kids to pre empt him kicking off. Are you for real.? And no, in my house if I or DH tell the kids they can watch something, the other of us does not get to come in and demand it be switched off. What a way to teach your kids that they are completely insignificant and that their needs do not matter in the slightest.

No wonder so many women stay with abusive dicks like this man when so many other women like you tell them to suck it up, walk on eggshells, let him do what he wants and 45 minutes of disgusting verbal abuse was deserved because she stood up for her DC.

This attitude makes my blood boil.

dollius · 09/03/2015 07:44

And Jesus wept. I just noticed the "button pusher" comment. That is victim blaming pure and simple.

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