Update: Marriage Regrets After Only Four Months

[notlikemetwo]

Hi, I've created this account just to update all those posters who showed me genuine compassion at a time that was incredibly difficult/upsetting- I can now see I probably didn't deserve any of your kindness but I very much appreciated it. Also it's my chance to thank those who supplied advice which has helped me to arrive at a much happier/healthier place. (I have had to create a new account as I have completely forgotten the log in details to my previous account and resetting my password is not possible as I no longer use many of old email accounts- hope that's ok). This was my previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2184768-Marriage-regrets-only-four-months-in?pg=4
I was rereading the thread the other day (no idea why!) and forgot how lovely some of you were.

Anyway, towards the end of last year my life really had become a bit of a mess (all my own doing of course). I had only been married for four months but found myself bitterly regretting the marriage in addition to many other past decisions. You guys may or may not remember but I had been conducting an affair with an ex-boyfriend (on/off) for whom I intended to leave my husband- which in the lead-up to my wedding never happened for a number of different reasons. So after abandoning the thread (which became an unhelpful distraction) I took some posters advice and sought out some counselling, which has proven to be life-changing-I thoroughly recommend it to everyone. My counsellor and I worked through a number of issues and I was provided with possible explanations for why I had been acting in the manner which I had. Upsettingly it became pretty obvious that my marriage was over. At the beginning of December I told my husband everything. Every-bloody-thing. His reaction was very difficult to witness, to the point where I was hating myself for hurting him. After a difficult weekend of crying/shouting I moved out and in with my best friend. My ex started divorce proceedings just before Christmas and it is something we are still working through now.

I am apprehensive to share the next part (for fear of being subjected to some nastiness) but I have no reason to hide anything so I will- also I'm hoping my outcome may inspire those who are in similar situations. As a result of simplifying so much in my life, I was really able to see for the first time in a long time what it was that I wanted. After months of reflecting and being on my own I decided I did want for things to work out with the OM. For the past few weeks OM and I have very slowly entered into a much healthier relationship. I can't say much more than that, it's early days....So I just want to end this post with saying that I encourage everybody to actively engage with seeking out whatever it is that provides them with happiness. Had I listened to people telling me to settle and "just be happy with what you've got" (i.e a junior surgeon husband and lovely home- my mum's ridiculous advice) who the hell knows where I would be. And maybe sometimes its ok to be selfish- that will be controversial but o well.

OP it seems as though your life has been a roller coaster for the past few years.

Don't you think you should spend some time alone to come to terms with what has happened?

You seem to rush from one situation to the next, not to mention the fresh hurt your exDH will feel when he learns of your relationship with OM.

I didn't read your previous thread but I do know that staying in an unhappy marriage isn't fair to either parties. Well done for making some tough choices and good luck

I'm firmly in the camp that you can leave your OH for whatever reason that is important for you. If you are not happy is certainly a good reason.
I would just criticise having the affair, and the deception that it entailed, but you were brave to take it on, get counselling, tell your husband and finally leave.
Wish you all the best in the future, as well as to your ex.

I'm sorry but I can't see how counselling has helped you?

You left your committed husband to chase rainbows. I have a feeling the forbidden fruit is going to ruin your future relationships unless you address the issue you have of chasing what you can't have. Longing is not love. It feels exciting and passionate, but that soon fades to more normal feelings and unless during your counselling you addressed this before you left DH then I think in many years time you may view your husband as the one that got away.

I understand where you're coming from whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey I have friends and family members who have voiced similar thoughts. For whatever reason, I don't feel like I need time out to analyse/think things through before embarking on a relationship with OM. I spent so much of last year in my head- examining/second guessing/evaluating- to the it became both extremely claustrophobic and exhausting. Attaining happiness is my main priority- which is what I get with OM now we have established a seemingly healthy relationship.

It may hurt/affect my stbex but my counsellor suggested it may actually make things easier for the both of us.

Missqwerty you're wrong, I did not end my marriage to "chase rainbows" it ended because it was no longer a viable/the right option for me. Deciding to get in touch with OM was a completely independent decision- made months after my husband and I separated. Honestly, who are you to judge how successful my counselling has been? Take my word it has taken me from a miserable/anxious place to being in a position where the future once again excites me. Also, OM is no longer "forbidden fruit"- we are both single, unattached individuals. So far our "new" relationship has proved to be fulfilling/healthy- there's no sneaking about whatsoever.

I feel really sorry for your sbeh, sorry...

You've 'established' a healthy relationship with you boyfriend after only a few weeks? And despite your previous chaotic relationship history? And despite only having separated from your exDH 3 months ago?

I urge you to slow down.

I also urge you to have a bit of compassion towards your exDH and stop thinking of his feelings as collateral damage in your quest for happiness.

All that in only 6 months?

The way you write you'd think it was a lot more - after months on your own? Surely you mean weeks?

I applaud you for getting counselling, and for coming back here to update... however I don't think you should be in a relationship this soon at all.

You're not both single. Though separated, you are still married.

You've shown a history of impulsive, emotionally damaging decisions. Getting in a relationship this soon is one of them.

You've also shown very little regard for other people's feelings. There is nothing to lose by putting a stop to this new relationship while you finish your divorce. There is nothing to lose by waiting until you are truly free, and sparing your poor husband more pain. The ink isn't even WET on your divorce papers.

If you truly want this relationship to work with OM, try and start it when you're actually free and without a cloud over you.

There are people in this world who just cannot be alone, who constantly crave attention, and who lurch from one disaster to another leaving nothing but chaos in their wake.

I think the OP is one of these people, and Im not sure she has any actual grasp of the reality of things.

"Established" meaning we have both agreed on what it is that we want to experience together. We are both in agreement that it would be wise to take things slowly in order to start our relationship afresh. (To be honest although it has only been a few weeks things already feel different to what I have previously experienced with OM) Also, I am showing stbex compassion by attempting to make this process as straightforward and uncomplicated as possible. I am not fighting him on many issues, so much so that I will be tens of thousands of pounds out of pocket. I have also been hugely accommodating in other logistical/practical areas.

Stbex and I will only be able to apply for a divorce once we have been married for a year, we are currently working towards a legal separation (so using being divorced as a time frame seems arbitrary and unnecessary in my opinion)

Weebirdie- considering me to be an attention seeker is both unfair and untrue. And I can assure you I have an extremely firm grasp on the reality of my situation. I am doing my best to maintain a dignified approach. I accept I acted selfishly and perhaps even cruelly, I can't change that, but I am able to influence my future actions and I think being transparent and open with my shortcomings and intentions works towards that.

And you know what, stbex has already shagged somebody else- he's not sitting around pining for me. He's moving on and I'm not going to be made to feel guilty for wishing to do the same with somebody I care for/love. I didn't come on here to justify my decision making processes. I wanted to share my experience in the hope that it might show someone in a similar situation that things are always recoverable and that you should never lose sight of your own happiness, even if you run the risk of being labelled reckless/selfish/deluded/immature/cruel etc.

Plus maybe it's relevant to add that once I had told stbex everything that had been going on, he was not interested in salvaging/repairing our relationship.

:) I like this update. Well done, you. I assume you're still in counselling? This will help you stabilise things in your new relationship as well as exit your very short marriage with reasonable dignity on both sides.

It's true that you can't divorce until you've been married a year (I actually thought it was two?) The marriage itself, though, lasted only a few months and I feel others are being unfair to talk about "still married". Legally, you are so, but you have none of the bonds of shared lives & history that usually go with a separation.

I wish you good luck and a far more fulfilling future.

Notlikeme. I find you quite ghastly, even the way you have spoken about your husband in the last paragraph.

You really dont have a clue, which is probably great for you as you'll more than likely never feel the fallout from your actions - but god help the people you leave in your wake. You are nothing more than a destructive force.

Weebirdie it's not about not having a clue, it's called having a different perspective- which I am entitled to (as are you).Ghastly is a bit harsh though but you know what, I have been called a lot worse in the past few months.

What have I said about my estranged husband that is unacceptable? I have stated objective facts.

Thanks to those who have wished me well.

You haven't had "months of being on your own". It's only 10 weeks since you split up with your husband and you've already had "several weeks" of getting it back on with the OM.

you're rewriting history to suit yourself aren't you?

Why are you even posting this update? Your life sounds like a car crash. You are chillingly lacking in any kind of reflection on the impact of your behaviour on others.

What sort of counsellor is validating this crazy, self indulgent life?

Your post has honestly disturbed me, because of the utter lack of insight you have towards your own actions. Almost as though you are still at the egomaniacal toddler stage.

You didn't make the decision "months after you separated" because it hasn't been months since you separated

This has got disaster written all over it op. Sorry but you sound like a self absorbed, selfish arse

It's all about you and your happiness isn't it, OP.

You sound worryingly deluded and selfish.

Having said that, although you have clearly caused your ex huge pain (which poor you found difficult to witness) I imagine his life is likely to be a lot better without you in it and I hope he recovers from the shock and pain and is able to move on.

Posted too soon - so I do think you are probably right to have left the marriage as you would not have done him any favours by staying.

You may have stated facts about your ex but you werent at all kind. You said he had no interest in salvaging the relationship. You had had an affair - he needed you to treat him with great kindness, reassuring him that the OM was well gone and committing to work at the relationship and deal with the huge trauma he had suffered and making him feel secure ongoing . I doubt that happened from the fact that you have very quickly moved on with the OM.

I think I am/was like op in some ways. Particularly the leaving a trail of destruction bit. I'm now middle aged and in my fourth serious relationship, and I so much hope it's the last.

I think I was/am very selfish. I am only really just starting to understand this. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to change, but I think having children is a motivator (I have two), and I really do want the best for them.

I'm afraid that I absolutely do not agree with your take on things. You have hurt people. I agree that you sound deluded and selfish. Your marriage was a complete non starter as you were having an affair right from the start. I feel pity for anyone who gets involved with you. sorry.

GallicCunt- yes I am still in counselling, I attend on a weekly basis in fact. The catharsis I receive from just being able to express myself in a non-judgmental environment is truly invaluable.

If it helps anyone: you can only apply for divorce if you have been married for at least one year. (No exception to this rule). But if you've lived apart for more than 2 years and both agree to the divorce- this is considered grounds for divorce.

(I am a legal professional)