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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Update: Marriage Regrets After Only Four Months

74 replies

notlikemetwo · 08/03/2015 19:56

Hi, I've created this account just to update all those posters who showed me genuine compassion at a time that was incredibly difficult/upsetting- I can now see I probably didn't deserve any of your kindness but I very much appreciated it. Also it's my chance to thank those who supplied advice which has helped me to arrive at a much happier/healthier place. (I have had to create a new account as I have completely forgotten the log in details to my previous account and resetting my password is not possible as I no longer use many of old email accounts- hope that's ok). This was my previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2184768-Marriage-regrets-only-four-months-in?pg=4
I was rereading the thread the other day (no idea why!) and forgot how lovely some of you were.

Anyway, towards the end of last year my life really had become a bit of a mess (all my own doing of course). I had only been married for four months but found myself bitterly regretting the marriage in addition to many other past decisions. You guys may or may not remember but I had been conducting an affair with an ex-boyfriend (on/off) for whom I intended to leave my husband- which in the lead-up to my wedding never happened for a number of different reasons. So after abandoning the thread (which became an unhelpful distraction) I took some posters advice and sought out some counselling, which has proven to be life-changing-I thoroughly recommend it to everyone. My counsellor and I worked through a number of issues and I was provided with possible explanations for why I had been acting in the manner which I had. Upsettingly it became pretty obvious that my marriage was over. At the beginning of December I told my husband everything. Every-bloody-thing. His reaction was very difficult to witness, to the point where I was hating myself for hurting him. After a difficult weekend of crying/shouting I moved out and in with my best friend. My ex started divorce proceedings just before Christmas and it is something we are still working through now.

I am apprehensive to share the next part (for fear of being subjected to some nastiness) but I have no reason to hide anything so I will- also I'm hoping my outcome may inspire those who are in similar situations. As a result of simplifying so much in my life, I was really able to see for the first time in a long time what it was that I wanted. After months of reflecting and being on my own I decided I did want for things to work out with the OM. For the past few weeks OM and I have very slowly entered into a much healthier relationship. I can't say much more than that, it's early days....So I just want to end this post with saying that I encourage everybody to actively engage with seeking out whatever it is that provides them with happiness. Had I listened to people telling me to settle and "just be happy with what you've got" (i.e a junior surgeon husband and lovely home- my mum's ridiculous advice) who the hell knows where I would be. And maybe sometimes its ok to be selfish- that will be controversial but o well.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 08/03/2015 23:57

I'm sure you'll be able to work around that OP what with your remarkable ability to rework time

BitOutOfPractice · 08/03/2015 23:57

You're a legal professional?! Lord help your clients.

Original poster

notlikemetwo · 09/03/2015 00:00

How have I reworked time? It has been months (3 in fact) since stbex and I separated. And it has also been a number of weeks since OM and I restarted our relationship.

OP posts:

Pomegranatemolasses · 09/03/2015 00:01

To reiterate, you sound utterly deluded and I feel very sorry for your Stbxh.

I think you have a massive ego - the idea that your actions would 'inspire' anyone is laughable. Many of us have gone through counselling - I just do not believe that any reputable counsellor would endorse your actions.

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/03/2015 00:02

I thought this was going to be an update on lessons learnt.

I was wrong.

I think you just wanted more attention by starting this 'update'

Viviennemary · 09/03/2015 00:06

I'd love to know what lessons the OP has leant. How to be a selfish, mean lying cheat and yet feel no remorse.

Original poster

notlikemetwo · 09/03/2015 00:07

At what point have I said that my counsellor endorsed my actions? He was able to help me explore underlying factors which may have contributed to me entering into a non-viable marriage.

I admit inspire is a bit of a laughable term to have used but it was my intention to express to people that our pursuit of happiness should never be compromised.

OP posts:

Original poster

notlikemetwo · 09/03/2015 00:11

Just because I haven't explicitly expressed by remorse doesn't mean it has not been experienced.

You know I was attempting to keep my post brief, i didn't feel it necessary to present to you all the issues and revelations I have confronted in the past few months.

OP posts:

MonstrousRatbag · 09/03/2015 00:11

it was my intention to express to people that our pursuit of happiness should never be compromised.

I disagree.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/03/2015 00:11

You said you finally split just before Christmas. 10 weeks ago. You said you had been "alone for months". You said you were several weeks into a "relationship" with the OM. Now I know it's been many years since I studied maths but that doesn't add up to me. Sorry if that's an inconvenience to yours and the om's great love story but there you go.

I've had manicures that have lasted longer than your period of great reflection. The words indecent haste spring to mind.

You have not been on your own. Let alone for "months". You have bounced straight from one relationship to the next and now you are trying to portray yourself as someone who has given all of this a great deal of soul searching and reflection. You haven't. In fact I doubt whether you ever called it off with the OM at all. Since we know you to be s liar I am struggling to come to terms with this new shiny you that you've invented.

handfulofcottonbuds · 09/03/2015 00:14

it was my intention to express to people that our pursuit of happiness should never be compromised

Regardless of whose feelings you trample on to get your happiness!

Original poster

notlikemetwo · 09/03/2015 00:15

BitOutOfPractice no legal proceedings began just before Christmas, I moved out at the beginning of December (as I stated).

OP posts:

BrockAuLit · 09/03/2015 00:19

I think your best friend from childhood had it right. You sound to me like you have a lot of work to do on yourself, I cannot see your attitude as evidenced on this thread bringing you (or anyone else) long lasting happiness. Your selfishness is astonishing.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/03/2015 00:19

Ok. 14 weeks. Since you told husband you'd cheated on him. Had "months" on your own. And to start another relationship.

Oh. So that's fine then. Very sensible. Christ I haven't even paid my credit card bill for December yet. You've ended a marriage, had your great period in your own ("months" - by that I assume you mean 1 or 2, tops) and started a new relationship

Congratulations

You wish your STBXH every happiness

BrockAuLit · 09/03/2015 00:22

Cross post.

An uncompromising pursuit of happiness is possibly the one, guaranteed way that you absolutely will not find happiness. Anyone caught up in your search will also suffer.

You have some serious growing up to do.

Original poster

notlikemetwo · 09/03/2015 00:24

handfulofcottonbuds Yes, I was not going to remain in an unhappy/unhealthy marriage for fear of "trampling" on my husband. That would have been unfair on the both of us. I don't care if this statement will be used against me to validate my selfish label.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 09/03/2015 00:24

In any case I thought you had to be married a year before you can start divorce proceedings. And you are the one who is meant to be a legal expert. But a year or two a few weeks or a few months. What are those unimportant technicalities in the face of your pursuit of happiness.

SukieTuesday · 09/03/2015 00:30

Well it's great news for your soon to be ex. He might be devastated now but he won't waste any more time on you and he's gotten out before you had children.

Original poster

notlikemetwo · 09/03/2015 00:31

Viviennemary this is true, it is also something I have referenced in an earlier post. Like I said we are currently in the process of seeking a judicial separation, which will suffice until we able to begin divorce proceedings.

OP posts:

GallicCunt · 09/03/2015 00:36

Seriously, I don't see how it's wise or desirable to work on re-commitment to a marriage that was a mistake from the beginning and has only lasted four months. Far better to come clean, try to break up considerately and gather your thoughts at leisure.

Try not to pin everything on your new relationship, notlike. It sounds as though there's a fair amount to work through and you have a good counsellor - you'll continue to develop your perspectives, I'm sure.

ToastedOrFresh · 09/03/2015 00:37

factors which may have contributed to me entering into a non-viable marriage

You sound like a real treat. Your husband pledged you his life long love and after four months you call time in favour of OM. As you simply refer to your marriage as, 'non-viable'. Although I accept in certain circumstances it's what happens.

You're a born romantic aren't you ?

Hughfearnley · 09/03/2015 00:38

I'm not here to judge on what has gone previously. I too, divorced after a very short marriage (2 years).
What I realised through counselling and time apart were the myriad of factors affecting me and the way I form relationships. Over the following 10 years I had 3 long term relationships (one live-in) and it was only my caution not to dive back in at the deep end that prevented a second divorce.
I am now remarried 14 years later to someone who I knew instantly was right. Every bone in my body told me he was right!
It's honestly taken me that long to understand myself and unpick who I really am.
I know you feel this relationship is right but please take some time to be on your own first. If you can't be happy on your own, then you will struggle to find happiness in this relationship.
Good luck

iwashappy · 09/03/2015 09:01

You say that you are now single and it was your husband's wishes as well to not continue with your marriage so you don't feel you are doing anything wrong by seeing the OM now. You also say that you are showing your ex compassion by making everything as straightforward as possible.

Can I ask, genuine question, why you feel that you think your husband should be okay with this? He didn't wish to continue with your marriage because you had cheated on him, it was not necessarily a decision he wanted to make. You are now, a very short period of time later, having a relationship with the man that was instrumental in breaking up your marriage, yet you think it is okay because you are taking it slowly.

I'm not interested in flaming you, I am genuinely interested as to the thought process that you seem to have in that you have been considerate to your husband with your new relationship.

Weebirdie · 09/03/2015 09:10

Iwas, I very much believe there isn't a thought process going on here that would enable the OP to think the way most other people would. There is a distinct lack of empathy and everything is all about her.

Im aghast to at the bit about her husband not wanting to work on the marriage and the OP almost being insulted by his decision not to.

And its funny how the husband has been 'sg someone since they broke up yet the OP calls what she is now doing, and was doing when she was married, by another name.

It beggars belief

YvesJutteau · 09/03/2015 09:23

You might JUST be able to squeeze two calendar months into the gap between the day you actually walked out of your old home and the day you started seeing OM again, but that's not the normal and naturally understood sense of making a decision to contact him "months after you separated". The fact that you're spinning a narrative where that's what happened is concerning.

It does sound as though ending your marriage was the right thing to do, but I'm not convinced that your counselling has brought you as much self-awareness as you seem to think it has. There's still a lot of justifying, excusing, minimising and creatively rewriting going on, and no way have you had the time and space to break old patterns of behaviour.

I hope this works out for all of you, but I'm not full of confidence.

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