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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This doesn't sound like an abusive husband changing does it?

35 replies

weedinthepool · 08/03/2015 19:12

H and I have been separated for 6 months, for good, after lots of abuse. I have my own house, financially independent, dc's doing ok etc.

H is constantly saying he is changing, addressing his issues, we still have a future etc. My general response to his claims is

Today he has said a couple of things during handover with dc's that have left me reeling & I just want to check that my red flag alert is right with you wise people.

We were talking about long term plans with house sale, divorce etc & I said this is a sad conversation to be having, I wish you had been a better husband. H said 'It wasn't all down to me. Do you expect me to listen to all this criticism of me? Don't criticise me. Just don't.' So basically he is saying I am not allowed to be angry about the abuse. Or criticise him or have an opinion. Still abusive no?

and

'If you hadn't left me for that (a serious sexual assault) you'd have left me for another reason. You were always moaning about having no social life. You would have left me to go out more whatever happened.'

This comment has made me feel like he was saying I engineered it all?

Throughout the conversation he basically swerved any responsibility. If he really was changing surely he should just be holding up his hands and saying yes I hit you, yes I abused & controlled you. I was wrong, I will hear your anger out. Shouldn't he? I feel a bit confused and upside down now & feel like I've been set back a bit, doubting myself & I was doing ok .

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 19:21

Am surprised you are surprised, tbh

You know what he is. Stop having these conversations where you hope he will have had a lightbulb moment. It's never going to happen. You are just giving him more ammunition to destabilise you again. And it's working

Annarose2014 · 08/03/2015 19:27

Why on earth are you having conversations that include emotive stuff like "I wish you'd been a better husband" face to face, to an emotionally abusive man, 6 months after seperation?

Whats the point?

I presume you were hoping he'd blush and murmur "So am I". But it still would be a pointless conversation after all this time with no reconciliation in the offing.

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum · 08/03/2015 19:28

AF is right. Stating now, do not ever give him the chance to say anything to you other than about the kids again. Don't react now or else he will know his dart has hit it's target. Wait a fortnight or three weeks and then tell him that any conversation of any sort is now to be done via email or text and anything other than about the DCs will be seen as harrasment and you will take action against him. He is a turd and behaves like a turd. You just need to accept that and not be shocked when he continues to behave like a turd. Bless you for believing he could change, you are clearly far far too nice for him the turd .

Original poster

weedinthepool · 08/03/2015 19:28

I don't know why I so desperately need him to have that lightbulb moment. I don't know why I keep pursuing it. I just want him to recognise what he has done to me. I want validation that I'm not insane & overdramatiC. If it does happen it will just be bullshit. I won't trust it.

I am destabilising AF, you are right I don't know if I'll ever get rid of him.

OP posts:

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum · 08/03/2015 19:29

Starting now, not stating now. Fat fingers!

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum · 08/03/2015 19:30

Time to toughen up and start calling the shots Weed

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 19:32

Hang on in there, lovey.

Don't assist him in any way to hurt you.

No more wistful conversations and have no expectations of him at all

Original poster

weedinthepool · 08/03/2015 19:32

I Was toughening up and calling the shots Fru but now I'm starting to wobble. God I feel weak today.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 19:33

Hey, we validate you

If you are wanting validation from an abuser you will go to your grave without it. Don't let that happen.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 19:35

It's just a wobble. Nothing permanent. Put it behind you and don't beat yourself up or else he wins, right ?

queenofthepirates · 08/03/2015 19:36

I know of someone who resolutely stuck to his abusive ways for 22 years after the divorce taking it to his grave. Some people are not capable of change. Luckily the other party detached herself and remarried someone very nice, in fact my stepdad.

BertieBotts · 08/03/2015 19:37

Have you read Lundy? Time for a re read of the chapter about abusive men changing if so (spoiler: it's not very hopeful.) If you haven't read it it would be an excellent time to start from the beginning :)

I'm sure there is something in there about needing that validation too and getting over it.

cleanmyhouse · 08/03/2015 19:38

2 steps forward, 1 step back. Give yourself a break. Wanting the lightbulb moment is normal after being treated badly. Just take this one as a lesson and keep moving forward.

marshmallowpies · 08/03/2015 19:41

Even if he had conceded a point to you in a past discussion, you can't be sure he'll always agree with you on it. He'll argue black is white and left is right to suit his own ends, and deny he ever agreed with you.

My emotionally abusive ex did this - when we broke up we argued (among many other rows) about one particular issue that had been a flashpoint between us for years. I got him to agree that he had been in the wrong on that specific issue, and felt validated knowing that he conceded I was right. Months later, he denied he ever agreed with me and pushed the whole issue back on me, the whole thing was my fault and nothing to do with him. Lost that feeling of satisfaction and years later the sense of injustice that he denied my validation remains!

iloverunning36 · 08/03/2015 19:44

I know how you feel. I am 5 months on and still find myself engaging and wanting the lightbulb moment. I stupidly engaged in an email convo with him where he rewrote history and I have felt churned up since then. Do they know what they are doing or is their reality really that warped?? for you, and good advice above

Quitelikely · 08/03/2015 19:49

Weed

This is the man who was so greedy you couldn't but the kids the basics as in a warm coat. This was the man who took sex from you whenever he wanted even though he knew you had suffered at the hands of others as a young girl.

This is the man who took your wages every month. This is the man who had you afraid to use up fuel in your car.

He will never be able to see the error of his ways. He isn't different from all the other abusers. They all say the same crap, they will say anything to get you back under their control.

I'm not surprised your feeling low. He's no good. Sure he might have some nice qualities but his abusive ways will always be there, just waiting to come and torture you.

Please don't go back to him.

BertieBotts · 08/03/2015 19:50

Their reality is warped.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2015 20:22

Whatever else he may or may not be he's certainly not repentant. Bullies rarely take responsibility so he's conforming to type.

Rebecca2014 · 08/03/2015 20:34

My ex still believes our marriage failed because I refused to get a full time job! (long story) Anyway these men never change and they never admit to what they are, if they did they would have to deal with the consequences and its easier to have your own warped view of reality.

Original poster

weedinthepool · 08/03/2015 20:35

Yes bertie I have Lundy on my phone phone, with highlighted passages I will reread the change bit.

I just had a little cry. I feel a bit better.vthanks AF, Quite, Cog, bertie etc. I'm a nightmare wobbler!

I just want him to be sorry for treating me like I was stupid for 9 years because it made him feel better & in control. Calling me ugly & fat & thick & a slut. Accusing me of going with other men. Saying I deserved to be sexually abused as a child. Waking me in the night for sex by shoving himself or fingers inside me. Forcing me to have sex, without my consent, by pinning me down. Giving me a black eye and making me blame it on DS1. Throwing wine glasses at me. Biting me and leaving marks repeatedly. Hitting me. Kicking me so hard I fell out of bed and broke my ribs. Refusing to have a vasectomy so I had to be sterilised when dd was 2 months old. Having unattainable high standards set for me and the kids re food, heating, money etc. Letting me down when I really needed him (when we lost dd twin and hyperemesis).

Those are just a few things that I'm supposed to suck up and move on from, without any apology or responsibility taken. It just galls me that I won't get validation that these things were so damaging. That they were wrong.

It's my fault for being too weak to go to the police, but if he just said 'Fucking hell weed I was a shit, you were right to leave me' it would help me. In my mind, it would help me.

OP posts:

Original poster

weedinthepool · 08/03/2015 20:37

Sorry about the vent. Writing the abuse down helps me solidify in my mind why I left. Feel free to ignore.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 20:38

Have your little cry and dust yourself down again. No harm done, that wasn't already there before.

Look for your "help" away from him. He is never going to give it to you.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 20:41

I refuse to ignore what you have written.

That happened to you. He did that. To you.

He is an abuser of the Highest Order. You will not move on until you no longer wish for his acknowledgement.

Sorry if I have lost track of your story, but are you having counselling ? Done the Freedom Course ? (you can do it online)

TendonQueen · 08/03/2015 20:51

Having read what he has done to you, while I understand your need for an apology, I don't think he should ever get to think it's ok or that you think he's made it right by apologising. It's very sad, but people like him never admit that they are wrong. It's part of the way they see their power. The way you free yourself from that power is by (eventually) walking away shrugging your shoulders and knowing that you don't care at all about anything they say or do or can't anything that happens to them. It's a long road to get to that though. I wish you the best with it.

pocketsaviour · 08/03/2015 20:58

"It just galls me that I won't get validation that these things were so damaging. That they were wrong."

Does it help to know that everyone here - and in fact pretty much everyone you confide your story to in RL - will absolutely validate that those things were utterly wrong?

He will never, ever, admit that he did wrong. He's an abuser. They don't have any feelings or empathy for their victims. Only for themselves. You don't have to see or live his version of reality any more, but you will never get him to see anything else.

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