This doesn't sound like an abusive husband changing does it?

[weedinthepool]

H and I have been separated for 6 months, for good, after lots of abuse. I have my own house, financially independent, dc's doing ok etc.

H is constantly saying he is changing, addressing his issues, we still have a future etc. My general response to his claims is

Today he has said a couple of things during handover with dc's that have left me reeling & I just want to check that my red flag alert is right with you wise people.

We were talking about long term plans with house sale, divorce etc & I said this is a sad conversation to be having, I wish you had been a better husband. H said 'It wasn't all down to me. Do you expect me to listen to all this criticism of me? Don't criticise me. Just don't.' So basically he is saying I am not allowed to be angry about the abuse. Or criticise him or have an opinion. Still abusive no?

and

'If you hadn't left me for that (a serious sexual assault) you'd have left me for another reason. You were always moaning about having no social life. You would have left me to go out more whatever happened.'

This comment has made me feel like he was saying I engineered it all?

Throughout the conversation he basically swerved any responsibility. If he really was changing surely he should just be holding up his hands and saying yes I hit you, yes I abused & controlled you. I was wrong, I will hear your anger out. Shouldn't he? I feel a bit confused and upside down now & feel like I've been set back a bit, doubting myself & I was doing ok .

Oh love you will never get validation from him. I'm still waiting two and a half years later for my abusive ex to do that. I suspect if I carried on waiting I'd be still waiting until I die.

I got huge amounts of validation from mumsnet, loads from my freedom programme group and then more from within.

You are not going mad. You are not being ooverdramatic. I believe you.

The way you feel is normal and human. I agree with others though, he would probably eat his own leg off rather than admit to you he was wrong. Hopefully he DOES know it though. Live well, heal from this and be a bright star that he can look at from afar and realise what he has lost, that is your goal. Become more of a friend to yourself. You are asking for the moon expecting this twat to give an inch. He won't so stop interacting with him and stop doing anything he expects you to. Hand over the DCs and nothing more. He will hate it. So what? Do what you must do to get away from his influence. His time is over. He made it thus. MN will support you.

I don't know your whole story but I do understand the want/need for him to accept some responsibility and to be sorry - he won't. My ex was and still is the same, he has accepted no responsibility for the reasons I divorced him, he has never apologised for anything and still blames me entirely. I know this now and I will only talk about arrangements for him to see dcs, I know if I say anything about 'us' and what's happened he will make me feel like poo all over again and I will start to doubt everything - again. Just keep to contact about dcs - don't let him in and don't let him get to you. Hope that helps:)

Well I did get an apology and acknowledgement of his grotesque behaviour.

And here's the thing - it didn't change his behaviour at all. I still get abuse and attempts at control nearly 4 years after separation.

Talk is cheap.

Thanks everyone. Feeling much better this morning.

I will follow your advice. Only communicate about the dc's etc. I was trying to shield them by being amicable with him and keeping a dialogue open with him but yesterday it was very clear he is using this to continue to be abusive and keep everything on his terms. So yes you have all seen that and I missed it. I need to let go of wanting him to take responsibility and ultimately change because I'm just getting hurt by waiting for it. Right onwards and upwards. Work and school and parenting 3dcs are my focus today. Not him.

Good plan

I don't know if you're familiar with the story of Ian Brady and Myra Hindley, the so-called 'Moors Murderers'? Fifty years on, at least one of their victims has never been found and Brady - now a very old man - refuses to say where the body is. The child's mother died not knowing where her son was. He gains nothing from this behaviour except a kind of control and the sick enjoyment of still having the upper hand.

In a lesser way, I think your abuser knows you want an apology. I think he knows you feel obliged to be nice to him. He uses both of those things to maintain the upper hand... and he'll have been getting a perverted pleasure from watching you struggle, waiting for him to acknowledge that he's in the wrong. If you accept there will be no apology and if you drop ideas of having to appear amicable, he loses any remaining hold.

No contact. Out of sight, out of mind.

weed

What an amazing women you are.

You are not weak....even the strong have a wobble!

Yep cog I am familiar with Brady & Hindley. I live nearish Saddleworth. He is a disgraceful human being. Heinous to do such a thing to a mother.

You are right, he had me hooked on & was watching me squirm and I just can't be bothered to allow it anymore. I spoke to my domestic abuse advisor today (an ISVA) and she said I've done well to get to this point in 6 months, some people take years. So well done me and we'll done mumsnet for propelling me there at a pace. I need to hold on to the positive steps I've taken.

I'm financially, socially and (nearly) emotionally separated & independent from him and I have my own home. I've held down my job. I've done an ok job of not traumatising the kids. Think it might be time to see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

Thanks all

Yes, start divorce proceedings. Loosen his hold on you even further. What's not to like about that ?