Does anybody else feel very damaged by their parents treatment? Even though i've had therapy i still feel parts of me are damaged forever.

[SoleSource]

I was never allowed choices, I find it difficult to ask for what I really need. Socially I feel nobody like me as my jealous Mother made nasty remarks to me - you'll be alone forever, you'll have nobody. I guess I felt guilt.

I was popular a school and had friends outside of school, she didn't have friends really aside from a Lady across the road and a school friend living in another country.

I give my DS so much pause, my parents are spiteful, selfish pigs.

My Mother was detached and distance unless she was being spiteful, then I had all of her attention.

Praise not pause.

It's common to need more sessions of therapy or counselling as you grow and change, because new things will come up at different points. Having a child is a very common catalyst for having new revelations about how your parents abused you. Because now you really understand that a normal person would never treat their child the way you were treated.

Can you look into getting more therapy now?

Do you have contact with your parents?

I cut them out in 2005.

But I still feel their affects and hear their nasty words.

I think I've had quite a few bad experiences in life - parental mistakes included - that have left me with various mental battle-scars. But I'm fundamentally an optimist. My view of personality that it is innate and, even if it is refracted by bad experiences, it can still shine through. I'm 50 years old, I do my best, and if I cock things up I'm past blaming mother.

Does anybody else feel very damaged by their parents treatment? Even though i've had therapy i still feel parts of me are damaged forever

Yep. Ditto.

I look at the good things and keep trying to heal the damaged parts. It'll never fully succeed but the attempts have not entirely failed. The pain has been intense and god I regret the mistakes I've made along the way due to teh damage - some of which have hurt other people :(. On the other side I've learned a helluva lot along the way. Rather not have had to but wasn't given that choice.

The absolute driving thing in my life now is not to pass that on to my children. Fortunately my husband is a rock and so are MIL and FIL.

I still feel others can detect the bad characteristics my parents defined me as having, even if I dot posses them. I worry people see me as they do/did. I feel sad that my extended family also have a very low opinion of me and they believe m parents view of me even though I don't see them either.

When will my worries end?

I'm fed up of isolation because of tis

Do I make sense at all?

As cogito says, the point comes where you have to leave blame behind. Even when you're still angry, blame becomes unhelpful. Better to do what you can with what you have and look forward. The other way, well, bitter old people are really unpleasant to be around.

yes, yes you do sole. Not sure I have anything consoling to say except that you keep on keeping on, and enjoy the small things in life, here and now.

In my defence I am upbeat, kind, generous person.

Yes Meerka thank you :)

Thanks to all x

MN makes me feel good

yo don't have to defend yourself

Having a very low day?

Low moments here and there Meerka
stems from dwelling and loneliness

yeah.

any chance of a pet?

the internet can be a real life line when you're isolated, too

Unfortunately a lot of us had parents who didn't really do a good job of parenting.

Hard as it is there comes a point where you have to decide if you are going to let your bad start bring you down forever, or if you are going to take responsibility for your own outlook/future/happiness like the adult you are.

I read a fantastic quote about this once from someone like Iggy Pop (but I don't think it actually was him). It was about growing the fuck up after the age of 30. I've scoured the internet for it but haven't been able to find it, would love to see it again.

When I say you here I mean us, or the collective "you".

I think you have two choices: you can let your parents define who you are, or you take control of your life and be the person you want to be.

I know that's easier to say than do, and it took me a very long time to realise. My parents were both violent and emotionally abusive, and to an extent, that's all they themselves knew. My mother had had a very toxic upbringing which included some very nasty sexual abuse. I had to break that chain. I have nothing to do with her now - only one of her five children are still in contact. I do still have the voices telling me that I'm useless, I'll never be good enough, I'm hopeless, but my own voice will drown that out (except for low moments). My father died many years ago, he apologised for his behaviour and that went a long way to healing these wounds.

My brother is in his sixties, and despite having adoring wife, children and grandchildren is still basically an unhappy person, and constantly talks about his miserable childhood. I agree with Cogito - you have to stop blaming and let your own personality make its mark.

I have a cat, recently neutered and comes down FO food at 5pm, then sits by me when I watch TV at night. He is really loving.

DS is profoundly disabled, seventeen in October. He rarely comes out of his room except for food.

I miss chatting with people and with too much time alone I think of my pat.

Had meeting at DS's school on Friday, might be getting respite for DS, we both need something more than this now, better socialisation for DS and create opportunity for me to seek some.

Fingers crossed :)

I should be pecking grateful but I don't think it is healthy for an extrovert a I to live so lonely. Hence my dwelling.

if he's profoundly disabled it makes it harder to go out and socialise too, I expect, so more time to brood. being able to go out sometimes in the weekends or evenings does help! I hope you can get some respite for him

raises hand

I think it's worth acknowledging that 'growing up' or 'putting it behind you' isn't a simple process, like a switch you can flip. It takes time, and you have to do a lot of grieving first.

I worry people see me as they do/did. I feel sad that my extended family also have a very low opinion of me and they believe m parents view of me even though I don't see them either.

Your parents were not seeing the real you, but an idea of you, formed out of their own fucked-upness. That was never really you. They just said it was. Children see themselves in what others reflect back and they accept it as truth. As a child you need your parents to be God. When they are the devil instead it leaves wounds that never really go away. When you feel you have these 'bad' characteristics it's because you are looking through the distorted lens you were given and not really seeing yourself.

But you can learn to live more fulfillingly even though you have these wounds. That starts with trying to accept yourself - pay attention to how you feel, think through the negative statements in your head and where they came from, be kind to yourself. In time it will start to get better. I whole-heartedly recommend the book Getting Through the Day by Nancy A Napier, which is for adult survivors of abuse who need day to day coping strategies.

It usually has to feel worse before it feels better as you are getting to feelings you've been bottling up or blocking out.

I think it's not helpful when people say things like "I'm past blaming mother". Your early life and attachments have a huge effect and when you are betrayed by the people who are meant to love and look after you, when you don't have inside you the experience of being loved, when you don't feel safe and secure in the world, it can have far-reaching consequences.

Personally I don't feel I will ever completely get over the loss of my childhood and the pain and grief of all I experienced. But I am finding it easier to live with, little by little, and I am feeling happier with the person I am now.

You are not like them. That is something to be proud of.

Raises hand was meant to be between stars, not in bold.

Peppermint that was an eloquent and moving post.

It is nt helpful for people to say thing like you have to move on, because the damage remains.

It is nt always possible to be the person you want to be, ie If you want to be confident but your parents told you were worthless it's hard to achieve your goal. Also there a real risk of entering into abusive relationships which adds to the damage.

Peppermint thank you

Really helpful post.

Yes, of course it is not easy. But it is something to work towards because if not then what happens? Nothing changes.

Yes I do. My DM loved me desperate & as an only child I absorbed all the intensity you could imagine.

I often hear her voice, her sayings, opinions & beliefs. What I'm able to, generally, is nip it in the bud.

At a very powerful therapy session the therapist went over a scenario where we had to role play () & she has me to shut my eyes, go over the situation & then asked me what "little Oxfordblue" would like to do. So basically between us, we re-wrote the past.

I think that episode lasted maybe 10 mins but it was one of the most powerful & maybe empowering events I've ever experienced.

I still have doubts, but a deep breathe & a mental flip to where I want to go, is very helpful.