Does anybody else feel very damaged by their parents treatment? Even though i've had therapy i still feel parts of me are damaged forever.

[SoleSource]

I was never allowed choices, I find it difficult to ask for what I really need. Socially I feel nobody like me as my jealous Mother made nasty remarks to me - you'll be alone forever, you'll have nobody. I guess I felt guilt.

I was popular a school and had friends outside of school, she didn't have friends really aside from a Lady across the road and a school friend living in another country.

I give my DS so much pause, my parents are spiteful, selfish pigs.

My Mother was detached and distance unless she was being spiteful, then I had all of her attention.

"My view of personality that it is innate and, even if it is refracted by bad experiences, it can still shine through. I'm 50 years old, I do my best, and if I cock things up I'm past blaming mother."

Disappointingly flippant. There are parents out there who ensure that their children reach adolescence without ever knowing what it feels like to be loved, or happy, or unafraid. You make it sound as if the OP is complaining that her mother missed the nativity play, the year she was a shepherd.

I too have been greatly affected by my frankly shitty childhood. Emotional and physical abuse from my father and tolerated by my mother has turned me into a hoarder (although I am getting better but its taken years) and meant that when I met STBEX I tolerated his shit far more than a normal person would. I can't blame my parents for everything that's gone wrong in my life but they set me up to fail.

I now live far from them and see them a handful of times a year. Every time I do I come away feeling worse. Interestingly, during my last visit recently, bearing in mind I am mid-split with ex-husband and struggling, my dad couldn't help but twist the knife by making digs at me. My sister in comparison is the golden child.

It affects you forever. I think the best anyone can do is ensure the mistakes do not repeat - DC goes to bed every night with me telling them how much I love them. For all my own faults, I will not let the shadow of my shit parents ruin my own child's future.

I am glad if my post helped.

Speaking from personal experience, moving on is something to work towards eventually but there are other goals that need to come first, like acknowledging your grief and being kind to yourself. Personally I don't have 'moving on' as a goal but it is happening, very slowly, little by little.

You are allowed to not be okay. That has been a revelation to me. Would it be possible to have more counselling? Also, the NSPCC has a 24-hour helpline with counsellors available to speak to adult survivors of abuse. They don't always have anyone free, but it is worth trying - I spoke to them once and found it immensely helpful, and they had more specific, specialist training than Samaritans and the like.

Snap. A narcissistic mother like mine. My evil parents made me my husband and three kids homeless

'Flippant'? I'm insulted. The OP asked if people were still damaged. I acknowledged the damage but chose to offer my personal perspective on how I've managed to work life around the damsge. I personally find that hanging onto blame & resentment is more exhausting than the alternatives. Doesn't mean I think badly of people who adopt a different solution. Will accept no criticism for sharing something important to me.

I think its hard but possible. I think of myself as a work in progress and keep working away at it. I also like the phrase -giving up hope of a better past. Ive accepted that it happened but dont let it define me now. Going no contact empowered me hugely and made and still makes me so happy. Every day I get up and am glad I dont have to have anything to do with them. And my being able to have a good relationship with my own children has made me feel good too.

Sorry you find it hard. Hope you can get some respite and support. And then try to do one kind small thing for yourself every day. Like doing your nails or buying a magazine. It might start to help.

It took me years to realise only one of my two parents was to blame for the mess my childhood was. My mother, I realised later, was a victim as much as I was. My father is a narcissist and his 'ways' ensured even after leaving him, my mother spent years (on and off) in an institution to help her mentally.

I was sexually molested by a family member, and the fact that my father (even though he knew) ensured he stayed on very good terms with this man, meant it was easy for me to cut him off. Life is now peaceful.

Am I screwed up? Judging by the messes I've made in my own life I'd say yes. But am I healing away from his shadow? Yes definitely. My mum and I are good friends now after arguing for years believing each other paid a part in the blame, but we see now that we weren't to blame.

My children however, have been loved, cared for, and sheltered from all this crap, and they are turning out just beautifully :)

Low self esteem from attracting arseholes, I suffer with. My parents were the first to bully me, not the last. I'm not bitter at all, just been recently hurt again by a so called friend whom is demanding and has no idea who I am aside from her taxi.

I cut mine out of my life in 1987. Mother is now dead and I
did not attend the funeral. I feel nothing towards them. Not even hate any more

My advice would be to forget about them, don't feel guilty and get on with your life. Counselling may help you but could also just prolong the agony. You cannot go back and change the outcome. Moving on is accepting what has happened and deciding you will not permit their poison to permeate through any of the rest if your life. Only then will you be truly free of the past.

I have no regrets. I hope you can reach that stage too.

I didn't think so until I read your op then it felt like one of the corner posts holding up my building fell away.

It is weird, can't quite put finger on it, sort of feeling.

Yes I reckon you can be very damaged by your parents. I had terribly low self esteem, like on the floor when I got with my ex. He was 18 years older than me and tbh probably added to the low self esteem.

My Father was prone to making horrible comments about my appearance, I still do think I am ugly and horrid and unloveable. My ex kind of contributed to this by never giving me compliments, he said once I think, "oh you are beautifull to me" :/. But we had a decentish relatiolnship for 10 years.

We split up last year and I have been on online dating, tbh my confidence has soared, still not there yet, but tbh, I could never have imagined me having the confidence to even go on a date, so I'm getting there slowly.

Lasting impacts for me include feeling very uncomfortable being praised (What put-down will follow to restore the rightful order?) and a complete inability to believe anyone would want to be with me.

I understand now that a lot of this is simply being played down the generations from my mum's poor self esteem and her sisters jealousy.

I also know that the people who I have grown up with as examples of all things 'wonderful' have become total shits, possibly as a result of this awful dynamic.

Another long term impact is that I really struggle to ask for help.

Forgiving your parents and moving on from blaming them can be relatively easy depending on circumstances. My mum opened up about her abusive childhood (actually used me as a repository of memories about it as a child, which didn't help). Recently she told me she doesn't think she is able to love, that it was beaten out of her. She was talking about romantic relationships, but it was a lightbulb moment for me! So now I blame my GPs instead.....

But I cannot seem to undo my programming. All my childhood I was considered lazy, arrogant (read: more intelligent than mum), rude (ASD), selfish, fat and generally unpleasant to be around. I'm not sure they thought I had any redeeming features at all. They also told me not to have children because I'd be too selfish.

Logically I know this isn't true (apart from the fat). I'm a bloody good mother to DD - people say so without me fishing for compliments, and I put a lot into it/her. I do a lot for other people, volunteer 3-4 times per week, want to retrain for a career where I can actually help people and be there for the kids at the same time, and I do a lot for other people. But I alienate friends by assuming they don't really like me so I distance myself, whilst taking too much crap because I'm afraid they'll leave. Do you do that too?

If anyone knows how to silence early programming id like to know! No NHS counselling round here unless you've attempted suicide.

Well I've seen you being 'short', Cogito, but I don't recall ever seeing you being flippant - and I don't think that that was.

For my own part, I don't any longer feel damaged by my parents' behaviour but I do feel that there are parts of me that would have been very different if they had treated me differently. Areas that were stomped on and not 'fertilized' if that makes sense. I've worked my way through and around it but in some/many ways I'm still lacking compared to that which I sometimes suspect might have been.

So be it. I'm not going to be changing much now and I seem to work OK. That may be as good as it gets.

Sole Another here who had a pretty crap childhood. Emotionally absent mother who could barely address our physical needs, let alone our emotional ones. It was all about her.... blah, blah, blah. I have been doing the self-help thing for quite a few years and progress has been very slow.

I was reading another thread and a poster recommended the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" I had a quick dip into it on the Amazon website and ordered the book. I've read the whole thing and will begin reading it again in the next couple of days. For me, it's the book which put into black and white what I was formulating in my thoughts. I feel as though I have been validated and vindicated. I was the family scapegoat (and they're trying to turn my son into one too, but I have put a stop to that and will continue to put a stop to that).

I WILL DO THIS. I AM WORTH IT. How my life started, will not be how it finishes.....

"How my life started, will not be how it finishes"

Thank you for that, I needed to hear it today.

Another one signing in. I went NC when dc1 was born, as I was not going to expose her to their malice.
It's difficult, but I did the 'iggy Pope's thing upthread, just refused to allow them control over me any longer.
I'm an introvert though and I don't get lonely, thankfully.
I started being more selfish and don't put up with users. Good luck!

I feel the same, damaged by my childhood and really worried in case I turn into my parents. It's one of the reasons I only had one child.

It was once I had DS that I realised just how shitty they were. Most people realise how great their parents were once they have kids, but for me it's the opposite.

Feel for you, OP. It's hard. Think we're all agreeing violently, arent we? Cog is right in that it is best ultimately to move beyond blame for one's own sake, but that takes time, possibly therapy and support. I am nearly there. And have personally found Cog very wise and supportive on this on previous threads (have NC but chatted to her often). I have been on the Stately thread in the padt but for ME where i am NOW it is too angry and labelling- i prefer and find it healthier to think of my parents as having sometimes toxic behaviours rather than them as toxic people, for example. Don't we do that with our own kids? Label the behaviour not the person? . The thread is right for many some of the time, OP may help you too. Or you might prefer a different approach. No one way to this.